Wanting to do what I love, but unable to.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Berlaar Antwerpen
Posts: 72
Wanting to do what I love, but unable to.
Hi, so today for the first time since I quit drinking, I felt motivated to pick up the hobby I used to love doing most: writing. Yet, once I started on a chapter, it all backfired... I can't concentrate, I constantly find myself comparing sentences, in order to see if I used a certain expression twice(because of my poor memory.) etc...
This is just so frustrating: it's like I can't even remember the bright person I used to be.
How can I possibly get out of my severe depression( cause depressed I am, yes sir.), if I can't do the things I enjoy most in the world anymore?!
Yesterday: my day was finally filled with a few ups and now... I'm falling down the mountain again.
I also say these ******* dumb things, which really make me feel ********: like my mom told me she was heading someplace she goes every week, and I was like: you have to go there on Mondays?
I just... I'm struggling and need encouragement(again, ugh! Sorry everyone) It's EVEN gotten to the point, where I'm considering drinking again, just to feel SOMETHING, because I'm such a numb, brain-dead zombie. I'm so tired of feeling like that!
Also, I'm still having trouble believing what I've turned into, since I just read my diary from a year back: I was freakin' razor-sharp back then! It just saddens me to no end, what I did
And oh, then in my diary, I'm boasting about being so clever, as in to drink beer from a soda can, so no-one will notice.
And now I'm like: oh yeah, real clever: RUINING your life! I just... I'm at my lowest and I don't know if I'll ever reach a peak again. Please, pleeeaaaase:
This is just so frustrating: it's like I can't even remember the bright person I used to be.
How can I possibly get out of my severe depression( cause depressed I am, yes sir.), if I can't do the things I enjoy most in the world anymore?!Yesterday: my day was finally filled with a few ups and now... I'm falling down the mountain again.
I also say these ******* dumb things, which really make me feel ********: like my mom told me she was heading someplace she goes every week, and I was like: you have to go there on Mondays?
I just... I'm struggling and need encouragement(again, ugh! Sorry everyone) It's EVEN gotten to the point, where I'm considering drinking again, just to feel SOMETHING, because I'm such a numb, brain-dead zombie. I'm so tired of feeling like that!
Also, I'm still having trouble believing what I've turned into, since I just read my diary from a year back: I was freakin' razor-sharp back then! It just saddens me to no end, what I did
And oh, then in my diary, I'm boasting about being so clever, as in to drink beer from a soda can, so no-one will notice.And now I'm like: oh yeah, real clever: RUINING your life! I just... I'm at my lowest and I don't know if I'll ever reach a peak again. Please, pleeeaaaase:
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
take a deep breath....
then another one.
Now - go easy on yourself.
Stop rushing things.
Stop judging yourself.
Give yourself some love.
It's OK to feel a little discouraged - that's human. And every writer goes through that; drunk or sober.
I'm a writer too.... I felt that way also. I felt scared of 'losing my talent'. I felt scared that my inspiration would be gone and I'd never be able to come up with great work again.
What a load that turned out to be.
You'll find far deeper, far greater, far more meaningful inspiration in sobriety.
You'll find that this period of frustration and despair and fear will blossom into a shining place you could never have imagined.
Be patient.
Keep writing... even when all that comes out is disorganized garbage that pisses you off.
It's still important.
It's still gold.
It's still your process and your truth and your experience.
You're gonna be so much more.
You're gonna be so, SO much more.
Keep sober. Keep growing. Keep working.
You'll see.
then another one.
Now - go easy on yourself.
Stop rushing things.
Stop judging yourself.
Give yourself some love.
It's OK to feel a little discouraged - that's human. And every writer goes through that; drunk or sober.
I'm a writer too.... I felt that way also. I felt scared of 'losing my talent'. I felt scared that my inspiration would be gone and I'd never be able to come up with great work again.
What a load that turned out to be.
You'll find far deeper, far greater, far more meaningful inspiration in sobriety.
You'll find that this period of frustration and despair and fear will blossom into a shining place you could never have imagined.
Be patient.
Keep writing... even when all that comes out is disorganized garbage that pisses you off.
It's still important.
It's still gold.
It's still your process and your truth and your experience.
You're gonna be so much more.
You're gonna be so, SO much more.
Keep sober. Keep growing. Keep working.
You'll see.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Berlaar Antwerpen
Posts: 72
Hey, thanks for your posts: it's just so hard for me right now. To give you a weird analogy: I feel like a cracked mirror: my shards are everywhere and I'm unable to just bend down and pick them up. I don't know if I'll ever feel like a person again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Give yourself a break ipaid - your mind and body's been through a lot.
Creativity will return - have no doubt...and you'll get used to sober creativity too..just try and sit with the thought that maybe you're right where you need to be right now?
D
Creativity will return - have no doubt...and you'll get used to sober creativity too..just try and sit with the thought that maybe you're right where you need to be right now?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by ipaidwithmylife 
Hey, thanks for your posts: it's just so hard for me right now. To give you a weird analogy: I feel like a cracked mirror: my shards are everywhere and I'm unable to just bend down and pick them up. I don't know if I'll ever feel like a person again.
I totally understand that feeling.
Been there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Berlaar Antwerpen
Posts: 72
Thanks everybody... You people keep me upright.
you know what's funny? That I never even valued alcohol THAT important, until I got into my writing: it was like it made me more daring and creative. And in the beginning I often wrote sober, but then stuff happened... depression, obsession...
I can't really explain, since I USED to have this really complicated personality: like things got to me, that shouldn't even be important enough to get to me: like I get these fixations on like childhood idols(celebrities) I never even met and I get upset if I find out negative stuff about them.
Soooo stupid I know, and when I read why most people on here got into drinking: I feel terribly ashamed: I come from a good family, am well-loved in general, no-one close to me died etc...
Nooo! I took my first steps in drinking, because of a stupid teenage infatuation with a teacher, who helped me out a lot at the time... and who also happened to be my sister's former best friend.... messed-uuup.
And ever since this person's been gone from my life, it's like I'm trying to replace them with other really good-looking famous people I've admired for all my life. I'm such a crazy goofball, right?
Ugh, I just... I'm 21, about to turn 22 in a month: my life's supposed to be just beginning and I feel like I've ended it for good and that I may as well give up entirely. I've wasted everything. I know there's no looking back and the only way is forward, but I haven't an ounce of hope left...
you know what's funny? That I never even valued alcohol THAT important, until I got into my writing: it was like it made me more daring and creative. And in the beginning I often wrote sober, but then stuff happened... depression, obsession...
I can't really explain, since I USED to have this really complicated personality: like things got to me, that shouldn't even be important enough to get to me: like I get these fixations on like childhood idols(celebrities) I never even met and I get upset if I find out negative stuff about them.
Soooo stupid I know, and when I read why most people on here got into drinking: I feel terribly ashamed: I come from a good family, am well-loved in general, no-one close to me died etc...
Nooo! I took my first steps in drinking, because of a stupid teenage infatuation with a teacher, who helped me out a lot at the time... and who also happened to be my sister's former best friend.... messed-uuup.
And ever since this person's been gone from my life, it's like I'm trying to replace them with other really good-looking famous people I've admired for all my life. I'm such a crazy goofball, right?
Ugh, I just... I'm 21, about to turn 22 in a month: my life's supposed to be just beginning and I feel like I've ended it for good and that I may as well give up entirely. I've wasted everything. I know there's no looking back and the only way is forward, but I haven't an ounce of hope left...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Hi IPaid,
Though it may seem like forever, 2 months is still very early sobriety! Give yourself time to heal...It gets better, really it does!
I am only a little over 4 months, and have improved so much! Read posts from people that have been sober for a while, it will give you hope of good things to come. Google "PAWS", and become familiar with the symptoms.
Hang in there! Life awaits!
Though it may seem like forever, 2 months is still very early sobriety! Give yourself time to heal...It gets better, really it does!
I am only a little over 4 months, and have improved so much! Read posts from people that have been sober for a while, it will give you hope of good things to come. Google "PAWS", and become familiar with the symptoms.
Hang in there! Life awaits!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Berlaar Antwerpen
Posts: 72
So sorry, if I'm triggering negative feelings with anyone, but I don't know where else to go, but here: I'm already getting my entire family down, with my endless rants about my brain and not wanting to carry on, like this. They are angry with me and feel powerless too.
I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and my mom says I need to tell her about these issues: but I'm like: she can't possibly help my messed-up brain! Nothing can anymore. I'm a lost cause: I've tried it all: healthy diet: fish-oil, vitamine B, exercise: it doesn't seem to help an ounce!
I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and my mom says I need to tell her about these issues: but I'm like: she can't possibly help my messed-up brain! Nothing can anymore. I'm a lost cause: I've tried it all: healthy diet: fish-oil, vitamine B, exercise: it doesn't seem to help an ounce!
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
You are very wise for one so young. I wish I'd made the decision to stop in my twenties rather than my forties. Try to be creative and daring without the booze - it's obviously inside of you anyway. Bottles can't write stories xxx
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ipaidwithmylife
Hey, thanks for your posts: it's just so hard for me right now. To give you a weird analogy: I feel like a cracked mirror: my shards are everywhere and I'm unable to just bend down and pick them up. I don't know if I'll ever feel like a person again.
It is good that you stopped drinking. The essential first step. But not everything is fixed by sobriety. But being sober, you can address putting yourself back together.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
hugs and prayers freerowl. Take it easy on yourself. you did not get this way over night.. took awhile.. so to change the process you have to take it slow.. it will come back.. never stop trying.. ardy..
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ipaidwithmylife
I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and my mom says I need to tell her about these issues: but I'm like: she can't possibly help my messed-up brain! Nothing can anymore. I'm a lost cause: I've tried it all: healthy diet: fish-oil, vitamine B, exercise: it doesn't seem to help an ounce!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi ipaid.
I'm nearing 14 months sober and have been where you are, on and off. Struggled with motivation and concentration; it's very common. I had to learn a few new ways to motivate myself and to reconnect with my internal source of inspiration.
Infatuation with a teacher? And projecting an old affection onto other people, real or imaginary? Ha! I could share a few stories The teacher scenario was a repetitive pattern in my youth, and when I was too old for that, my mind would find other ways for a similar schema. This is something that could very possibly be tackled in a therapy setting, if you are willing to work through it.
It's great that you are exploring all these health-related issues. I am with your mom: do tell the psychiatrist everything that bothers you, but I would also encourage you to maybe see a psychologist. I find therapy tremendously helpful in many ways.
I'm nearing 14 months sober and have been where you are, on and off. Struggled with motivation and concentration; it's very common. I had to learn a few new ways to motivate myself and to reconnect with my internal source of inspiration.
Infatuation with a teacher? And projecting an old affection onto other people, real or imaginary? Ha! I could share a few stories
The teacher scenario was a repetitive pattern in my youth, and when I was too old for that, my mind would find other ways for a similar schema. This is something that could very possibly be tackled in a therapy setting, if you are willing to work through it.It's great that you are exploring all these health-related issues. I am with your mom: do tell the psychiatrist everything that bothers you, but I would also encourage you to maybe see a psychologist. I find therapy tremendously helpful in many ways.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
You are doing everything you can do. You can staying sober, paying attention to your issues and planning to see a psychiatrist. Try to remember that things are evolving in your recovery. You may notice changes in yourself that you like and some changes that you're not happy with, but you can work on those. It really is a journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
When I did a hard stop off years of benzos, I had the exact same thing for months. Mispronouncing words, forgetting how to spell things, and I felt just stupid for the most part. A rabid reader who suddenly couldn't comprehend a menu. It eventually passed and it will for you too.
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