Super ashamed. Marriage hanging by a thread.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 31
Super ashamed. Marriage hanging by a thread.
Hello to all. My latest misadventure started Friday. I took a half day off work, went to the gym. Stopped to eat on the way home, had a margarita with lunch. Grabbed a 6 pack on the way home. My daughter and I cleaned up my 14 year old dog to take her to the vet to be euthanized. My daughter took the dog to the vet with her mother (my ex-wife).
I watch basketball in the evening and keep drinking beer. Another couple picks us up and we go out to eat. After dinner we sit at a table drinking at the bar. Wife brings up a sensitive subject and I ask her to not talk about it. She continues and I get angry, excuse myself from the table. I'm quiet the whole way home. We pick up my step-daughter (15) and go home. I shut the bedroom and lock the door.
My wife comes in and I tell her I don't want to be in the same room with her. I try to leave and she stops me because she wants to talk. I yell and push her to the side. The argument escalates. My step-daughter goes to the neighbors and calls her dad to come pick her up. The argument escalates into another bedroom and we push each other. I push her up against the wall, hard enough to bust the drywall.
My stepdaughter goes to her dad's and my wife goes to the couple's house we went out to dinner with. This is the third weekend in a row where I have gotten drunk and pi$$y. First time it has escalated physically. I slept in my work office last night, just stopped by home to get a change of clothes this morning. My step-daughter is now afraid of me (we had a great relationship). I'm as ashamed as I've ever been in my life.
I've always been the life of the party, the guy who could drink the most. Alcohol had a negative effect on my first marriage and it's doing the same with my second. Feeling pretty lost and self-loathing. I'm now one of those guys I could never imagine being. Not sure where to go from here.
I watch basketball in the evening and keep drinking beer. Another couple picks us up and we go out to eat. After dinner we sit at a table drinking at the bar. Wife brings up a sensitive subject and I ask her to not talk about it. She continues and I get angry, excuse myself from the table. I'm quiet the whole way home. We pick up my step-daughter (15) and go home. I shut the bedroom and lock the door.
My wife comes in and I tell her I don't want to be in the same room with her. I try to leave and she stops me because she wants to talk. I yell and push her to the side. The argument escalates. My step-daughter goes to the neighbors and calls her dad to come pick her up. The argument escalates into another bedroom and we push each other. I push her up against the wall, hard enough to bust the drywall.
My stepdaughter goes to her dad's and my wife goes to the couple's house we went out to dinner with. This is the third weekend in a row where I have gotten drunk and pi$$y. First time it has escalated physically. I slept in my work office last night, just stopped by home to get a change of clothes this morning. My step-daughter is now afraid of me (we had a great relationship). I'm as ashamed as I've ever been in my life.
I've always been the life of the party, the guy who could drink the most. Alcohol had a negative effect on my first marriage and it's doing the same with my second. Feeling pretty lost and self-loathing. I'm now one of those guys I could never imagine being. Not sure where to go from here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hi. Have you had enough? Because unless you stop drinking things will continue to get worse. Do you yell and scream and push your wife hard enough to damage drywall when you are sober? I bet not. Look, I know it seems impossible to imagine a life without alcohol. But it is such a better life. I seldom do things I regret. Sobriety is freeing. I'd your stepdaughter is afraid of you it is because of your drunken behavior. Start today to guarantee that you will NEVER be drunk around her again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Welcome to SR, HoosierFarmer. Glad you took the initiative to get help.
Countless people have come here and found the support they needed to free themselves of alcohol/drug addiction. It may seem like a high mountain to climb, but it is very much achievable.
The remorse felt in the aftermath of a bad situation is often the impetus needed to embark on sobriety and recovery. Many have been in that "last straw" boat.
There are also good resources available for you:
Indiana Family and Social Services Administration -- looks like some good links there
FSSA - DMHA: DMHA
Resources to help with recovery
All Things Addiction: Drugs, Alcohol & Treatment
AA in Indiana
Alcoholics Anonymous : A.A. Near You
I'm also a stronger believer in joining your SR class. Mine was instrumental to my recovery; 1.5 years later, we continue to be good support for one another. Here's the March class link (it's also on the front page -- the Newcomers Forum):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
Anna and Dee, the forum moderators, are both very helpful in the 'classrooms.'
Now is the time to turn that remorse into action. What happened the other night could have been even worse, frighteningly so. I cannot honestly say I think that your home is a safe place for your wife, stepdaughter and daughter right now. You need to take action and develop a plan. I think any of those links above would be a good starting place.
Remember -- alcoholism *can* be conquered.
Countless people have come here and found the support they needed to free themselves of alcohol/drug addiction. It may seem like a high mountain to climb, but it is very much achievable.
The remorse felt in the aftermath of a bad situation is often the impetus needed to embark on sobriety and recovery. Many have been in that "last straw" boat.
There are also good resources available for you:
Indiana Family and Social Services Administration -- looks like some good links there
FSSA - DMHA: DMHA
Resources to help with recovery
All Things Addiction: Drugs, Alcohol & Treatment
AA in Indiana
Alcoholics Anonymous : A.A. Near You
I'm also a stronger believer in joining your SR class. Mine was instrumental to my recovery; 1.5 years later, we continue to be good support for one another. Here's the March class link (it's also on the front page -- the Newcomers Forum):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
Anna and Dee, the forum moderators, are both very helpful in the 'classrooms.'
Now is the time to turn that remorse into action. What happened the other night could have been even worse, frighteningly so. I cannot honestly say I think that your home is a safe place for your wife, stepdaughter and daughter right now. You need to take action and develop a plan. I think any of those links above would be a good starting place.
Remember -- alcoholism *can* be conquered.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Sounds like you're making some good decisions.
When I first joined SR, I spent a lot of time reading and learning that I wasn't as alone as I thought. And that my situation was hardly unique. You'll find lots of support and some really wise people.
You can do this.
When I first joined SR, I spent a lot of time reading and learning that I wasn't as alone as I thought. And that my situation was hardly unique. You'll find lots of support and some really wise people.
You can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
The physical violence would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Your step-daughter was wise to seek help and to be afraid of you. You say you don't know how this happened, so I would suggest counselling for the anger and rage that you feel.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You SHOULD have gotten locked up. Not for drinking, but for the violence.
Drinking is zero excuse for laying your hands on or spewing verbal abuse at someone else.
I hope you will get help for both. There is something beyond alcoholism that needs to be addressed when it comes to violence.
Drinking is zero excuse for laying your hands on or spewing verbal abuse at someone else.
I hope you will get help for both. There is something beyond alcoholism that needs to be addressed when it comes to violence.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I not going to pile on you. You know you crossed the line. You know why too. And since you know that you can become that way when you drink you just have to stop. Try AA. Try counseling. Post here. Try anything that you can find. You are not giving up anything of value, you are getting rid of a cancer that is destroying your life. We will be here for you every step of the way. There are good people here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 31
Thank you, ru12. I knew I would get some harsh judgment, but I also know I deserve it and defensiveness would just lead to excuses. My wife is open to reconciliation if I put in the work. Even if she decides it's a deal-breaker, I can't go back to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
I did lose my marriage. Partly from all my drinking, and partly because of ongoing depression. Of course, both of those are related.
I had been married 30 years. Now I'm an old single guy living on my own.
I put my fist through a wall during an argument once, but fortunately, never laid a hand on my ex.
Best of luck to you,
I had been married 30 years. Now I'm an old single guy living on my own.
I put my fist through a wall during an argument once, but fortunately, never laid a hand on my ex.
Best of luck to you,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Meetings are a great idea.
Get to those every day if you can. The gym is also good - but sounds like you may be similar to me; gym-then-drink..... So what I found helpful was to plan a new routine to break the old 'I worked out and earned it' thinking.
Yoga later in the gym day... Or fruit and greens smoothies. Or plan to do some chores or catch up on bills or some time spent with family doing something new.
You gotta change up your life and embrace sobriety.
Trust me it's worth it.
Get to those every day if you can. The gym is also good - but sounds like you may be similar to me; gym-then-drink..... So what I found helpful was to plan a new routine to break the old 'I worked out and earned it' thinking.
Yoga later in the gym day... Or fruit and greens smoothies. Or plan to do some chores or catch up on bills or some time spent with family doing something new.
You gotta change up your life and embrace sobriety.
Trust me it's worth it.
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