Koda

I have known for quite sometime I have a problem with alcohol. I cannot have just one drink. Sometimes I don't know which is scarier. Admitting I have a problem or telling someone I have a problem. I can go days without a drink but it's constantly in the back of mind. I would tell myself "I'm only drinking on the weekends. No more during the week. " yeah. So that lasts maybe a week or two. Then I think I will be ok to maybe drink on a Wednesday night. What could it hurt, right? Everything! I told myself for the longest time I wasn't an alcoholic because I don't drink during the day. I don't wake up and need "hair of the dog". I can go days without drinking. But the truth is I am an alcoholic. I drink til I pass out when I drink. I lie about how often I drink. I hide alcohol in my basement so my husband doesn't know about it. I wait til my husband and daughter goes to bed more often then not before I pop the cork. So I drink alone. I prefer to drink alone. I don't have to pace myself with the person next to me. I can refill my glass without someone looking over my shoulder and judging me. I have started becoming a loner. Not accepting dinner invitations from friends.
I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and had to start taking medication back in October. I Know deep down that my drinking has caused it. Not only that but I fear I now have alcoholic fatty liver. I have the paperwork for the blood tests that I keep holding onto out of fear. A few months back I noticed a reddening on my chest which has now moved to my face. Spider veins around my nose. I'm starting to wear my secret on my face. Will it go away if I abstain from alcohol?
Today I want to sober up and truly take the first step to recovery. I'm not ready for AA GROUP MEETINGS. So I am starting here. I have to start somewhere and I hope with putting myself out there I am taking the first step.

Esspee

Hi and welcome Koda. I recognise the 'old me' in so much you describe.

Eshgham

Welcome and good luck! Take it one step at a time, and when you have a bumpy day (I've had plenty!) come talk to us

KateL

All those veins and things will disappear. I was once like you waiting for everyone to go to bed. It is very lonely xxxx

PinkGstring

I was like you, I could only drink when I am alone when people don't judge me. Waiting for my GF to go to bed and keep going till I pass out, often on the couch. Blacking out was a daily occurrence.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Koda.

My alcoholism was physically, but even more so, emotionally and spiritually isolating. In sobriety, I found renewal and much, much more.

You will find a very welcoming, understanding, encouraging and supportive community here at SR; glad you found us.

Koda

it is very lonely. I don't talk to my husband about it because he doesn't know how I feel. He can drink one beer or one glass and stop or most times not even finish it.

SoberLeigh

My husband is a 'normie', too; I never discussed my plans to stop drinking with my husband.

I used to envy 'normies' and wish that I wasn't an alcoholic. It took a while and a lot of introspection and other sobriety 'work' but I am now so very comfortable and happy in my sober-skin; I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You don't need to be lonely or go this alone; we are here for you.

Soberwolf

Welcome Koda

Koda

Ahhhhh "normies"!!! Lol SOOOO envious of them!

Koda

I am glad someone else didn't discuss their plans for sobriety with their spouse. I just know what he will say. Don't need to hear it out loud.

Thepatman

Welcome to SR

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Koda!!