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Finally...got to sleep at a semi decent hour! Holy Anxiety!

Old 03-12-2015, 08:47 AM
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Finally...got to sleep at a semi decent hour! Holy Anxiety!

I am 11 Days Sober I finally got to sleep at a decent hour last night! I've always drank at night and used the excuse that I couldn't sleep so I needed alcohol to help me sleep. I've had insomnia since a young age. I've been told by therapists that it makes sense since I was severely abused by my father as a child, often being woken at night being hit. In reality, alcohol was not helping me sleep, I was passing out every night.

For those that don't know my story, as I'm pretty new here...On Feb 23 I did my usual wine drinking after the kids went to bed, around 9pm-1:30am. But this night I made my tea, went up to the bedroom (completely aware of all of this) and blacked out for a few minutes. I got into an arguement with my husband over the 3 guns he left out of the safe in our basement (next to play room and my 14 year old's bedroom). Apparently I started hitting and came to as I was hitting him. I was arrested and am being charged with Domestic Violence. He has a restraining order on me, so he's in my home while I'm sleeping on my sister's couch.

I have since been in a 5 day Detox, attend therapy once a week and AA everyday. I am documenting all for my court date. In Detox I fell asleep great but I know that's because I was on meds all day long (librium and something for my blood pressure/anxiety and then trazadone at bedtime). They sent me home with a script for trazadone but when I take it's there is a 20 minute period in which I have to go to sleep or it is not effective any more. I'll lay down around 12:30am and start thinking about the mess my life is and can't fall asleep until 2:30.

Last night, same routine, TV off at 12:30 and I put a 8 hour deep sleep music video from Youtube as white noise. I try to count sheep so my mind doesn't wander but it starts again. Thinking about my kids, who I'm not with and thinking about my husband who is trying everything in his power to hurt me.

But this time I decided to try a Mantra. I kept repeating, obviously in my head, that sleep was my reward and I deserved it because I had a good day. It worked, went to an AA meeting, took care of my nephews and didn't drink. I deserved a good nights sleep as a reward. Over and over I repeated it and it kept my mind off all of the negativity and I did fall asleep before 1:00am.

It's funny because I was reading an article about addiction and how it may be possible to reprogram our brains. If we could stop associating drinking as a reward or a thing we needed and start associating good things (sleep, exercise, meditation, etc) as a reward or thing we needed then it could make coping with sobriety easier. Worked last night and I'm going to keep doing it!

I always thought wine was my reward for a long day of working and taking care of the kids and I thought I needed it to sleep. I now know that my wine reward was never a reward at all. It was a crutch I used to cope. I am looking forward to rewarding myself with healthy alternatives.

Hope it works tonight! Anyone else having severe anxiety at night? I had major anxiety during the day when I first got out of Detox but I'm getting better. It creeps back up when it's dark and I'm alone with my thoughts.
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Old 03-12-2015, 08:51 AM
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Congrats on day 11 Missdaisy thats fantastic i had severe anxiety too panic attacks etc

Have you spoke with a Dr about this ?
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Old 03-12-2015, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Congrats on day 11 Missdaisy thats fantastic i had severe anxiety too panic attacks etc

Have you spoke with a Dr about this ?
I was recommended a Dr by my Therapist but she's booked 3 weeks out so I don't have an appointment until 4/1. I took the appointment and will patiently wait since I trust my Therapist's referrals. He's yet to do me wrong.

Right now I'm just practicing any meditation, mantras etc to help me get through it. I'm a thinker. I think that was another excuse I used to drink. My brain is always on and drinking shut it off. I need to learn how to regulate my thinking and worrying without alcohol!
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Old 03-12-2015, 09:03 AM
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Hi MissDaisy!

Sorry to hear about what happened between you and your husband. Good for you for seeking treatment and working a program.

I too have struggled with sleep and anxiety all my life and used alcohol to "help". As you've said it didn't help at all and just made it way more difficult. I'm glad you're getting some good hours in. I read recently that our brains literally clear themselves of toxins as we sleep, so sleeping enough and going to bed sober are both very healing.

And speaking of brains -

Originally Posted by MissDaisy View Post
I always thought wine was my reward for a long day of working and taking care of the kids and I thought I needed it to sleep. I now know that my wine reward was never a reward at all. It was a crutch I used to cope. I am looking forward to rewarding myself with healthy alternatives.
This is a really awesome insight, thanks for sharing! I hope you stick around SR and find some healthy alternatives that work well for you.
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Old 03-12-2015, 09:30 AM
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Meditation is awesome
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Old 03-12-2015, 09:38 AM
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The insomnia and anxiety should straighten out in a month or two. I'm at 73 days and my anxiety level is down probably 70 percent. I still have my moments but it's better everyday
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Old 03-12-2015, 10:39 AM
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My anxiety has skyrockets since I came off this last bender. I hate this feeling.
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Old 03-12-2015, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Alchemist1978 View Post
My anxiety has skyrockets since I came off this last bender. I hate this feeling.
My anxiety got so bad I had to stop. I would wake up in horrible shape and I couldn't drink fast enough to stop the anxiety and withdrawl. Sometimes no matter how much I drank it wouldn't go away. Absolutely awful. It sucks so bad. The problem now is I'm starting to feel better and im tempted to drink again. I have to remember how bad it gets.
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Old 03-12-2015, 11:49 AM
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I am almost to 9 weeks sober and my anxiety attacks are quite less but I will not lie it was pretty brutal for the first 6 weeks or so. I always remeber to keep a bottle of water with me so I stay hydrated. I also feel I get less anxiety the more good sleep I get.

I wish you the best.
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Old 03-12-2015, 12:45 PM
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Your post is very honest and I commend you for that.


With you on the anxiety thing.
I struggle with it too.
Mine is 1st thing in the morning.
I think it comes from years of waking up and thinking 'what happened?'
I'm 3 years without a drink and it is starting to get easier though.

There is a saying I want to lend you that helps me hugely.

'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, its not the end'.

I live my life to that saying now.
Dee taught me it.
He is very wise.

I find it useful on nights I can't sleep to repeat it to myself. Especially when times are uncertain.

You can borrow it from me if you like?

I too do the you tube video's at night. I like the howling wind ones. However, one last night that I listened too was running water. I must have got up for the toilet 30 times! Tonight I might look for a counting sheep one instead!

I wish you the best xx
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Old 03-12-2015, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post
'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, its not the end'.
Definitely a quote I'm going to add to my Mantra list I've been through a lot in my life and not being with my kids is really the worst thing ever. Oddly, with all this stress, I've yet to have the desire to pick up a drink. I would walk through fire for my kids so I've got my priorities straight...finally.

I would do anything for a full 8 hours of sleep. From the replies here I'm seeing that it will come in time. Just have to be patient!
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