Expat in recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Expat in recovery
Hi everyone...or no one...out there in the ether.
I've been sober for just over four months and have had a tough time. Korea is a difficult place to be sober, especially as an expat.
I've lived here for over three years and every person I know I know from a bar, and the ones I met elsewhere only socialize at bars. I once reveled in the notion of the 'bar-family' in the expat community, there was always someone I knew, somewhere. There was always respite at the end of a long and tedious week - in a bar, in a a bottle of whiskey in my small apartment. Perhaps it's my perception only, but the sauce is a ubiquitous force here.
Since quitting I've lost almost all of my friends. Luckily, there've been very few bridges to burn completely - but for the most part people have forgotten about me. When I go out, now, people who I once considered my closest friends are shocked, having assumed I left the country - yet I've had a total of 2 invitations to booze-free social events (brunch).
I'd been drinking since I was 15 but only really began binge drinking around 17. Korea turned heavy binge drinking into problematic daily drinking. Even with a degree in psychology I don't know how to diagnose this sort of thing. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago and I still don't really know if I believe that (though the depression certainly seems real.) The truth is, I don't know if I can really call myself an alcoholic - I really just don't know, but I do know I can say I have a problem - one that scares me and threatens my life.
I've managed well, so far. In the past 4 months I've survived a wake for a friend (bar owner) who passed away, I made it through the festive season - a typically difficult period for any expat, I got through the anniversary of my brothers suicide, through two vacations and of course ending all toxic relationships and distancing myself from negative influences (extra difficult when ALL of your friends are functional alcoholics).
I've been strong, and proud. I've been mostly focused on exercise and nutrition and overall personal development. But it's been difficult to do it all alone, and this past weekend was probably the most difficult thus far. I feel completely isolated in a town I call home, completely alienated among people I once called family. I have no real support network, and I'm struggling.
Recently it's become harder to accept what a lonely journey this will be. I don't have a single person who appreciates how difficult every day is. Some people are angry at me for withdrawing. Some have accused me of being melodramatic. Most say it won't last. A handful will wish me well and respect my decision before throwing back a shot of tequila in front of me. I don't expect people to change, I recognize that I've made a decision for my own personal well-being and it's no-one else's responsibility...but it's difficult to do alone.
So...I'm here now. I thought it was time to reach out to others who are on the same journey - because I feel like I'm flying blind.
I've been sober for just over four months and have had a tough time. Korea is a difficult place to be sober, especially as an expat.
I've lived here for over three years and every person I know I know from a bar, and the ones I met elsewhere only socialize at bars. I once reveled in the notion of the 'bar-family' in the expat community, there was always someone I knew, somewhere. There was always respite at the end of a long and tedious week - in a bar, in a a bottle of whiskey in my small apartment. Perhaps it's my perception only, but the sauce is a ubiquitous force here.
Since quitting I've lost almost all of my friends. Luckily, there've been very few bridges to burn completely - but for the most part people have forgotten about me. When I go out, now, people who I once considered my closest friends are shocked, having assumed I left the country - yet I've had a total of 2 invitations to booze-free social events (brunch).
I'd been drinking since I was 15 but only really began binge drinking around 17. Korea turned heavy binge drinking into problematic daily drinking. Even with a degree in psychology I don't know how to diagnose this sort of thing. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few years ago and I still don't really know if I believe that (though the depression certainly seems real.) The truth is, I don't know if I can really call myself an alcoholic - I really just don't know, but I do know I can say I have a problem - one that scares me and threatens my life.
I've managed well, so far. In the past 4 months I've survived a wake for a friend (bar owner) who passed away, I made it through the festive season - a typically difficult period for any expat, I got through the anniversary of my brothers suicide, through two vacations and of course ending all toxic relationships and distancing myself from negative influences (extra difficult when ALL of your friends are functional alcoholics).
I've been strong, and proud. I've been mostly focused on exercise and nutrition and overall personal development. But it's been difficult to do it all alone, and this past weekend was probably the most difficult thus far. I feel completely isolated in a town I call home, completely alienated among people I once called family. I have no real support network, and I'm struggling.
Recently it's become harder to accept what a lonely journey this will be. I don't have a single person who appreciates how difficult every day is. Some people are angry at me for withdrawing. Some have accused me of being melodramatic. Most say it won't last. A handful will wish me well and respect my decision before throwing back a shot of tequila in front of me. I don't expect people to change, I recognize that I've made a decision for my own personal well-being and it's no-one else's responsibility...but it's difficult to do alone.
So...I'm here now. I thought it was time to reach out to others who are on the same journey - because I feel like I'm flying blind.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi and Welcome,
Congratulations on your recovery. Your story is not unique and many people find they lose friends (& family) when they decide to stop drinking.
I think it's important to remember that stopping drinking is only the first step of recovery. For me, in order to recover, I needed to make a lot of fundamental changes in my life. I began volunteer work and quickly made several new (sober) friends. Do you enjoy sports or have hobbies? Get involved in something that doesn't revolve around alcohol and you will be okay. You can make new friends and move on.
Congratulations on your recovery. Your story is not unique and many people find they lose friends (& family) when they decide to stop drinking.
I think it's important to remember that stopping drinking is only the first step of recovery. For me, in order to recover, I needed to make a lot of fundamental changes in my life. I began volunteer work and quickly made several new (sober) friends. Do you enjoy sports or have hobbies? Get involved in something that doesn't revolve around alcohol and you will be okay. You can make new friends and move on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and congratulations.
This alcoholism e deal with is deadly and very dangerous because so many think of it as a friend. NO NO!
When I first joined AA it was impressed upon us to go to ANY length to not drink, I still feel strongly about that today many years later.
If I were having a difficult time there it would be a life saving decision to consider leaving the environment entirely.
BE WELL
This alcoholism e deal with is deadly and very dangerous because so many think of it as a friend. NO NO!
When I first joined AA it was impressed upon us to go to ANY length to not drink, I still feel strongly about that today many years later.
If I were having a difficult time there it would be a life saving decision to consider leaving the environment entirely.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome to SR, jdvivre; glad you found us. There is someone here 24/7/365.
I echo what Anna said about sobriety being only the first step in recovery. many find that they have to change things up a bit in their life in order to form a new social circle and 'base'.
Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and to 'get outside of ourselves'. What about taking a class?
I echo what Anna said about sobriety being only the first step in recovery. many find that they have to change things up a bit in their life in order to form a new social circle and 'base'.
Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and to 'get outside of ourselves'. What about taking a class?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome jdvivre 
My old life revolved around drinking and drinker....so I really had to start again from scratch...
Rebuilding a life takes a while but I have a life I love now and I'm busier and more social than I've been in 20 years.
Don't think this is your future and this is as good as it gets. That's simply not true
D
My old life revolved around drinking and drinker....so I really had to start again from scratch...
Rebuilding a life takes a while but I have a life I love now and I'm busier and more social than I've been in 20 years.
Don't think this is your future and this is as good as it gets. That's simply not true
D
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
If you have no support network there, is there some reason you need to stay in Korea?
Seems like you might be able to find a healthier environment somewhere else.
In any event, good luck! Four months is awesome!
Seems like you might be able to find a healthier environment somewhere else.
In any event, good luck! Four months is awesome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses. I have a few months left on my contract and I need to see it through. Though my job isn't particularly fulfilling it has kept me busy and my students bring a lot of light to the darker days. It was a tough decision not to re-sign, but I am essentially leaving for my sobriety and sanity. It does mean I'll have to start over somewhere new, but such is the life cycle of an expat. The prospect of a new start is exciting and gives me a lot to look forward to, for the most part focusing on that has kept me strong.
For this reason, perhaps it's nitpicking, but it does feel a little pointless to make new friends. I spend most of my time working and working out and I've become quite comfortable to spend my free time alone. Really it's only the social-obligations that make it difficult, when I have a birthday or wedding or farewell party where I see all of my old friends.
Anna, I appreciate your response. I suppose a part of me had expected that quitting drinking was all I needed to do but perhaps I need to look into the broader process of recovery. Like I said, I've been flying blind.
Once again, thank you all for your responses and support. It helps to know there's a community out there, somewhere.
Thank you for your responses. I have a few months left on my contract and I need to see it through. Though my job isn't particularly fulfilling it has kept me busy and my students bring a lot of light to the darker days. It was a tough decision not to re-sign, but I am essentially leaving for my sobriety and sanity. It does mean I'll have to start over somewhere new, but such is the life cycle of an expat. The prospect of a new start is exciting and gives me a lot to look forward to, for the most part focusing on that has kept me strong.
For this reason, perhaps it's nitpicking, but it does feel a little pointless to make new friends. I spend most of my time working and working out and I've become quite comfortable to spend my free time alone. Really it's only the social-obligations that make it difficult, when I have a birthday or wedding or farewell party where I see all of my old friends.
Anna, I appreciate your response. I suppose a part of me had expected that quitting drinking was all I needed to do but perhaps I need to look into the broader process of recovery. Like I said, I've been flying blind.
Once again, thank you all for your responses and support. It helps to know there's a community out there, somewhere.
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Fellow ROKer expat here as well. I understand the enabling drinking culture of Korea, but truth be told, that was part of the draw bringing me there. I was always on the search for a geographic cure, that things would be different in a different place or country and that my problems would be left behind.
But of course they never did. Not only did they stay with me, they usually got worse, since they reality is, all I was doing was isolating myself away from family loved ones. In essence trying to escape the consequences of my drinking.
So I can't speak for you Jd, but it was only when I got back home and decided to face my problems head on, instead of running away from them, I was finally able to get sober. What's that saying, I finally realized me and my thinking were the problem and stopped blaming everything and everyone else.
But of course they never did. Not only did they stay with me, they usually got worse, since they reality is, all I was doing was isolating myself away from family loved ones. In essence trying to escape the consequences of my drinking.
So I can't speak for you Jd, but it was only when I got back home and decided to face my problems head on, instead of running away from them, I was finally able to get sober. What's that saying, I finally realized me and my thinking were the problem and stopped blaming everything and everyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Thanks Nomis, it's good to know there's someone who knows.
I can't say I sought it out, but I certainly wasn't averse to it when I arrived. I always knew I had problems but not until quite recently did I consider alcoholism one of them (I probably should've really - my father is a crackhead and my brother was too until he commit suicide :/)
Anyway, I do believe that getting out will be an excellent opportunity to start fresh - whether it's at home or elsewhere. My contract is up in 4 months and for now my main goal is - obviously - to remain sober, to get out of the house and see stuff over the weekends, to remain committed to a routine of health and fitness for my mental stability.
Still - as my time here is coming to a close it's been difficult not to have any of those friends. It'll be sad to have spent my formative early 20's in a place and have no one to say goodbye to.
I can't say I sought it out, but I certainly wasn't averse to it when I arrived. I always knew I had problems but not until quite recently did I consider alcoholism one of them (I probably should've really - my father is a crackhead and my brother was too until he commit suicide :/)
Anyway, I do believe that getting out will be an excellent opportunity to start fresh - whether it's at home or elsewhere. My contract is up in 4 months and for now my main goal is - obviously - to remain sober, to get out of the house and see stuff over the weekends, to remain committed to a routine of health and fitness for my mental stability.
Still - as my time here is coming to a close it's been difficult not to have any of those friends. It'll be sad to have spent my formative early 20's in a place and have no one to say goodbye to.
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Consider yourself well ahead in the game then Jd. I didn't get sober until I was 36. Man I wish I had in my early 20's like you. Life is too short for looking back all the time, so I try not to dwell on that, but with soberiety in your pocket the possibilities for you are endless.
Still, I would personally recommend you strongly consider moving back home. The things you struggle with in Busan, the loneliness, lack of social network, isolation, are all things that you would have the least of back home, compared to moving to another new place. Just my two cents, sharing what worked for me.
But I do want to say, congrats on making it four months sober in Korea. That's a tremendous accomplishment, something you should be VERY proud of. The longest I think I ever lasted was about a week. Having a Family Mart open 24hours a day under my apartment, did not make sobriety a viable option for me.
Still, I would personally recommend you strongly consider moving back home. The things you struggle with in Busan, the loneliness, lack of social network, isolation, are all things that you would have the least of back home, compared to moving to another new place. Just my two cents, sharing what worked for me.
But I do want to say, congrats on making it four months sober in Korea. That's a tremendous accomplishment, something you should be VERY proud of. The longest I think I ever lasted was about a week. Having a Family Mart open 24hours a day under my apartment, did not make sobriety a viable option for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: CO, USA
Posts: 145
Nice to hear from other expats-- I'm originally from the States but have lived abroad for most of the last decade. I think that, in my particular case, the sometimes isolating experience of living alone in other countries / moving regularly was a big contributor to my escalating drinking.
I can't say what's best for anyone else, but I've decided now to make some changes so that I can settle in one place back in the US. It's clear to me that growing some roots and having access to networks of others who've gone through this is critical for my sobriety and general well-being.
I cherish the experiences I've had living abroad, but now is time for some familiarity.
I can't say what's best for anyone else, but I've decided now to make some changes so that I can settle in one place back in the US. It's clear to me that growing some roots and having access to networks of others who've gone through this is critical for my sobriety and general well-being.
I cherish the experiences I've had living abroad, but now is time for some familiarity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Mediterranean
Posts: 187
Welcome jdv!
Congratulations on 4months! Hope you find the support you're seeking on SR.
I live in an expat community and its very facilitating to a drinker! Normal culture (especially Brits!!)
Wishing you the best x
Congratulations on 4months! Hope you find the support you're seeking on SR.
I live in an expat community and its very facilitating to a drinker! Normal culture (especially Brits!!)
Wishing you the best x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by nomis 
But I do want to say, congrats on making it four months sober in Korea. That's a tremendous accomplishment, something you should be VERY proud of.
Wow - I actually burst into tears reading this. I know it should be a small - if any - part of the process, but a little recognition goes a long way. It's so hard, and I do feel proud of myself for every day sober...but I often doubt whether that pride is deserved. THANK YOU - your words have been a great comfort and source of strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by N3p3nth3
It's clear to me that growing some roots and having access to networks of others who've gone through this is critical for my sobriety and general well-being.
I cherish the experiences I've had living abroad, but now is time for some familiarity.
I cherish the experiences I've had living abroad, but now is time for some familiarity.
I hope I will be in a familiar place soon. Either way - it's good to have this place, SR, now.
All the best with your home-time, and thanks again for your input!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
AA does exist in Korea. AA in Korea: Home.
The numbers are probably small and mostly expats. I see there was a group in Busan which has since closed. As the AA tradition is that any two alcoholics meeting for the purpose of sobriety, without any outside affiliation, may call themselves n AA group,I wouldn't be at all surprised to find there is at least one other alcoholic in Busan who would really appreciate a some help to get that group going again. Perhaps it would be worth contacting the website to see what the story is.
I am in Malaysia at the moment and there are a few meetings here. I made it to one in KL and am looking forward to another in Pinang next week. The really nice thing about here is the alsmost total lack of a booze culture. We are in a resort town in Pulau Pankor at the moment and have yet to see anyone drinking alcohol. It no doubt happens, but not in your face like at home. It seems like quite a nice place to live a sober life.
Congrats on four months. Like others have said, that is quite an achievement for an alcoholic on their own. It takes enormous strength.
The numbers are probably small and mostly expats. I see there was a group in Busan which has since closed. As the AA tradition is that any two alcoholics meeting for the purpose of sobriety, without any outside affiliation, may call themselves n AA group,I wouldn't be at all surprised to find there is at least one other alcoholic in Busan who would really appreciate a some help to get that group going again. Perhaps it would be worth contacting the website to see what the story is.
I am in Malaysia at the moment and there are a few meetings here. I made it to one in KL and am looking forward to another in Pinang next week. The really nice thing about here is the alsmost total lack of a booze culture. We are in a resort town in Pulau Pankor at the moment and have yet to see anyone drinking alcohol. It no doubt happens, but not in your face like at home. It seems like quite a nice place to live a sober life.
Congrats on four months. Like others have said, that is quite an achievement for an alcoholic on their own. It takes enormous strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
Thanks Mike. I only recently (a few days sgo) discovered the AA group in Korea and it does seem to still be going. I'm a little (a lot) terrified but will be sure to try it out at least once.
Much appreciated! Good job on maintaining through expat life. Malaysia sounds great!
Much appreciated! Good job on maintaining through expat life. Malaysia sounds great!
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