TrapezeFreak

My wife is all over me about this. It's nothing new but lately it is really been blowing up. She tells me I am negative ALL THE TIME. I always claim to be a realist as I am and have always been the one trying to keep things grounded in terms of finances and our whole life in general. She's already living in our fictional dream home with all the money in the world...but there isn't much of a plan to get there. I basically just try and keep the train somewhat on the tracks. Sometimes it stays and sometimes it misses the switch if you know what I mean. She feels positive thoughts lead to success in life but those positive thoughts have to be followed up with positive and productive actions right??

She quit her job a year ago to raise our three kids and since half our income (we make/made about the same amount of money) was going to day care it only made sense. Plus she had always wanted kids and now we have them. However, I have not noticed much of any change in how things are. I tend to be the more domestic of the two and still find myself cooking most meals after my 10 hour workday, doing dishes, and bathing the kids. She has all these big ideas (she is trying to launch her own business) but not much is happening. Meanwhile I am busting my butt in a job I don't really care for trying to keep us going and being able to keep affording our house. The other night she got on me about not getting a better gig. That pi$$ed me off big time.

I feel as I have sacrificed my life for her. Bought the house she wanted, we had the kids she wanted, and now she is home them and I see ZERO improvements. On top of that I have lost myself and there is no doubt that these stressors have led me to the bottle time and time again but how many times can I have the same argument over her spending money we don't have or the vacations we can't take because we simply can't do it right now. In my opinion that isn't being negative it's being REAL.

Any perspective on this? Any one struggle with this? I know deep down I have always been the brooding Irishman and I can't help that. I also know that I deal with depression and alcohol is a depressant and I am always dual diagnosing myself. I do honestly try to be more positive but when I keep getting defeated it's hard for me, plus like I've said I feel you can't improve your future without bettering your current reality. You have to deal with that first. I'm rambling now... Thanks for reading.

Hope you are all staying strong.

biminiblue

First things first.

Put down the bottle, it distorts and destroys everything good in life.

It sounds like the same discussions had by most married people. It isn't easy. If you aren't drinking for a while and it doesn't get better, maybe you could both use some outside help, like AA and AlAnon or counseling.

ScottFromWI

I could have written your story verbatim. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I "dealt" with those issues by drinking myself. Or in other words, I just ignored it and got drunk. Which of course make things worse.

Getting alcohol out of my life was a huge step forward. Yes, I still have marital issues, but now I deal with them and make attempts to improve things. I also am more capable of actually listening to what my wife and kids have to say rather than just blowing it off.

Another thing to keep in mind regarding your wife's situation is that giving up your paying day job and becoming a stay at home mom is a very, very difficult job. Not only is it hard, but it's sometimes a bit humiliating to feel as if you are not contributing financially to the family anymore.

The marital issues are one thing, but for me the drinking had to stop first before anything else.

MyShadow

Having those conversations sober, she can't hold the alcohol over me anymore. So, my question to my wife is what's your excuse? I'm having a hard time even liking my wife right now. Same as you I have done the proper duties as a husband and father, always worked and provided. Now that my kids are finishing school and starting college. I am contemplating whether to start a new life, I think we are comfortable and not in love anymore, if we really ever were. A lot of questions I dont have answers to. So your not alone with those thoughts.

anattaboy

People change...and some don't. Best wishes.

Johnston

Three kids here too and I've experienced some of what you wrote about. I'm an empty nester now so most of the stress is gone. My opinion for what it's worth :

- as someone else already mentioned, sobriety needs to be your #1 priority. Everything is distorted when you're still in your cups.

- if your wife is home now she can do the cooking. Three kids are a handful but there's time in the day to prep dinner.

- you do sound negative, actually whiney. Take it from a skilled whiner, I've got decades of practice. On the other hand, the numbers don't lie. You sound like you are responsible money wise, so maybe get couple counseling on this.

Again, you need to be sober for anything to work out right going forward. Good luck

bitmap

From the wife's side, although we don't have kids and I have always worked as well, I totally agree couples counseling would be a huge help. Maybe even counseling for yourself separately as well.

Currently, due to sequestration and my hubby's job loss there, he is on the road, which honestly SUCKS..... I hate it and I am trying to be accepting and understand that he felt it was the best option. I have my own issues besides alcohol which I am now working on and if necessary when he comes back I fully intent to embrace couples counseling if some of the same issues return when he is home again.

But, yes put the booze down first, then remember you are a couple and try to work together??

OnMyWay7

Hi there,

Not the same situation as I think my SO is the depressed one but you and I sound alike as I think I've given myself totally over to make her and the kids happy and she's still not happy. Like what the heck else do you want me to do!?! You want a big house - I get a big house. You want the kids in a specific school - they're in that school and we're paying for it. You want the nice car - we get the nice car, want to go to Miami - we go to Miami and and all I hear are complaints. (the world is alw2ays kicking her while she's down etc. - what like down in Miami) Anyway

I'm only 50 days sober but I can tell you that I'm realizing that I let all this happen and now I'm trying to decide why did I do that? Why did't I stand up for what I wanted and why am I now so resentful. No I'm trying to figure out what I need to do about it as I can't change her.

So - I can see your point but I can see hers that your being negative and maybe a bit of a whiner. Stop drinking and look at what you can do and what you want to do. Stop worrying about her and go play with your kids. She's responsible for her own happiness.

Ruby2

I struggle with this myself. It's hard. I work full time and until recently my husband did too. But I felt and still feel I'm doing the lion's share of the housework and child care. My circumstances are slightly different as I'm sober and my husband has relapsed. This situation has raised a lot of resentments. He's off all day doing nothing and I'm doing most of it.

What I propose is couples counseling. But in the meantime, if your wife is taking care of the other stuff during the day, she could use a break at the end of the day. Believe me on this. Id go insane going from full time work to being home all day with three kids. I'd talk to her and ask if she could do dinner and you will do the wash up after dinner and bathing the kids.

As for the money? I don't have any suggestions about that. We are struggling. I'm the shrew. But as I said, my husband quit his job, isn't doing anything around the house and is still using and drinking. Just don't drink about this.

TrapezeFreak

Thanks. I am NOT drinking about this although I have many times in the past. Also it should be known that I don't mind the cooking (one of my hobbies really) and I totally understand the need for a break from the kids. This is why two nights a week I tell her to leave the house to get some sanity and over the weekends I cook all weekend and try and take the kids to and from all their activities to give her a break. So if that's me whining so be it. I work hard, she works hard, I get it. I was a stay at home dad for two years when we had our first two so I get it. It's the other stuff that seems like it should be a two way street for me and it isn't because her heads in the clouds avoiding it and I am entrenched in it trying to handle it all.

I agree counseling might help. I am already in counseling (shocker). Just venting, thanks.

OnMyWay7

Based ojn your reply then she needs a reality check - you're doing more than your share.