tomsteve

I dont have any medical advise but do have experience with cancer.
Diagnosed in may of 06 stage 3 metastatic melanoma, I went through quite a bit for about 3 years straight. It was constant. Either gong through surgery, recooperating from surgery, going through clinical trial, recooperating from that, going through chemo and recooperating from that, mixed in with what seems like a jillion and three blood draws, mri's, PET scans, ct scans.....prolly some other stuff too.......it got old.
What helped me tremendously to get through it was finding a cancer support network online. I looked locally but the was only one meeting of cancer survivors once a month a 90 mile round trip. Not enough for me.
So I got online. There's some good support sites online for fighters and survivors and also family and friends of the survivors and fighters.
Today I still have it. It's just not active.its not a matter of " if" it takes off again but " when."
And what will I do?
Same thing I did when I was fighting- whatever my oncologist said I should, let Him and God do what they do best and did my best to keep my nose out of it.
I will do it for two reason:
Being selfish, self centered and not thinkin about my family and how they feel about it is too dam selfish and the self pity of how whatever I have to go through will effect me just ain't gonna work( seems there were a few times I wanted to give up due to self pity and not liking what I went through and God stepped in and spoke through others.)
Whatever I may have to face can help the pros treating me help someone else.

I don't think I could have gotten out of self pity( I only had it happen once during those years......yeah, it's my lie!! ). Without my support network helping work the crowbar to pop my head out of my but so I could see how selfish,self centered, and full of fear I was.

wpainterw

Thanks Anna. Sorry about your mom. I agree completely that it is likely to be crucially important to locate a physician and facility which is tops in pain management. As to persuading my wife to seek counseling at the present time (she does have a counselor whom she likes and whom she has seen periodically; I have no reason to believe that her counselor is unskilled), for various reasons I cannot interfere or even make suggestions about what she should do, since she is very self willed and resents any attempt at what she thinks is "interference".To fight over this is counterproductive. I can be supportive in other ways and cautiously, even a bit surreptitiously suggestive. I can wash the dishes (she has broken her wrist), feed the dog, carry out the garbage and avoid having a stroke or heart attack. If I die then it will be up to my kids to deal with this and they live far away. If I were to drink (and I feel absolutely no craving to do so) I would die very quickly since I take about 15 medications for blood pressure, depression, prostate, atrial fibrillation, cholesterol, anemia. My right carotid artery is 77% obstructed and I may have to have it operated on. The dog is doing well however.

W.

Lookingforchange

I'm really sorry it's such a horrible thing you're both going through. My 2 aunties died from cancer there was pain, the doctors really did try very hard to make them comfortable, every case is different. My dad died of Alzeimers I found it best to just take one day and step at a time-try not to loose today worrying about what will happen at the end, I have regrets about that. Will be praying for you both. X

hopeful4

I have no advise but want you to know you and your wife are in my prayers!

Soberpotamus

My grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma and was in remission, off and on, for around twenty years. She had a great mindset about fighting it - she exercised, changed her diet, and did all things the doctors suggested. I am thankful for that, as she was instrumental in my life, more so than any other person in my family. I was in my mid twenties when the cancer came back. It was very hard for me to admit what was likely to happen. I kept my head mostly in the sand throughout her last years. At the end, she was given pills and morphine. It was painful. It was hard to watch. I am not sure how much pain she was in, but it was significant.

I am keeping you and your wife in my thoughts. I hope your wife will become more compliant with her meds.

MythOfSisyphus

I wish you well! Hard to imagine why she doesn't want to take the medications but I realize folks have their reasons. I hope you can gently convince/trick her into it!

Marcher13

Bill perhaps at this stage of life your wife is considering her options? I'd encourage you to encourage her to become fully informed about her options so that she can make an informed decision about what drugs she will or will not take.

BernieE

Both of my parents died of cancer in 1997. We had home hospice care and the pain mgt was excellent except both refused an extra bump sometimes because the amt of of morphine made them too groggy.

Sasha4

I'm coming back to this thread to leave a comment when I have a bit more time very soon.

Hereandnow2

Watched my uncle die of ling cancer and grandmother die of breast cancer. Neither had pain and both had hospice toward the end. It was very peaceful. God bless you....

Sasha4

Not all cancer and cancer related deaths are painful.

In my work, we often find that cancer patients can be very, very reluctant to say they are in pain or that their pain is getting worse because they think it means they are getting worse or they must be dying. That's not always the case though.

There is also a big stigma and fear of morphine in some cancer patients.
They believe if they have to start taking it, that must mean they really are dying. They also can think that their family and friends will think that they are near the end of their life.

There are patients who stay on opioids for some years - sometimes 3 or 4 years - and have a good quality of life when their pain is better controlled.

There are also non pharmacological therapies that can help pain.
So drugs are not used.
These might be injections, pins and plates to support a bone, nerve blocks or palliative radiotherapy to ease symptoms.

Morphine is not the only opioid option either.
There are other opioids, like fentanyl for example, which can be administered in different ways (patches etc) that respond much better to a patients pain. It can control pain that is always there but support the short flares of pain that can occur with movement - like dressing, bathing, going to the bathroom etc.

Some patients that fear morphine due to the stigma and associations it brings them often don't view fentanyl or other opioid preparations in the same way and feel happier to comply with them.

Again the drugs used may not all be opioids either.
Some cancer pains are not opioid responsive.
They may do better with other classes of drugs, like NSAIDS or the neuropathic drugs, like pregababalin.

I think my point is that there are many 'misconceptions' about cancer and also dying from cancer.
These misconceptions often stop patients from getting the best treatment that they deserve.
They prevent patients from honest with their doctor for fear of what this might mean about their disease.
Sometimes it just mean their drugs need to be adjusted, increased, decreased or something else added in.

I wholeheartedly back all the other posts suggesting counselling and talking therapies.
Pain is made worse by anxiety and depression and fear.
People hate talking about death. They avoid it.
There is an author who writes about 'how to have a good death' which is a highly regarded publication in the UK amongst specialists in palliative medicine.

I understand your concerns. I am so very sorry for the situation you and your wife are in.
In 2015, there is no excuse to not have the absolute best quality of what remaining life your wife has. In this day and age no patient suffering from cancer should die in pain. It is unacceptable for this to happen.

I have always respected you and your presence here at SR.
You are a thoughtful, intelligent, wise and loving man.
Your wife is blessed to have you as her husband.
Please know any help you need, I would be honoured if you sent me a private message.

I wish you and your wife the very, very best xx