Originally Posted by Serenidad

You're SO right Sarah! I went to 2 AA meetings today, met some new friends and got a sponsor. What do I have to lose?

I have to admit...I feel really good right now! :-)

Originally Posted by heartcore

Serenidad - I feel like you are waiting to not WANT to drink, to not have cravings, as though something magical is going to happen. Yes, you actually can JUST DECIDE that you will never drink again and then make that your truth. This is an act of courage and faith and blind foolishness, really, but no one on these boards had their desire to drink just fall away and disappear (well, maybe a few people had transformative experiences like that...). For most of us it has been often difficult, almost impossible at times. Then there are good days, then another profound challenge. This is heart-breakingly difficult. I mean, sometimes not drinking involves wracking emotional pain, physical withdrawal, acceptance of unacceptable truths about ourselves, raging, crying. Sometimes, it is a walk on the beach with your beloved dog, or feeling understood in a meeting, or eating a really good steak. There is absolutely no reason that you can't quit drinking. It is a poison. You hate it. Return to AA, check into inpatient, whatever, but seriously - girl - this is just a DOING thing, not a considering and reconsidering thing... You are infinitely capable. You're smart, you have resources. You can do it.

Originally Posted by maddad

How was your life with 5.5 years of recovery compared to now? I went back out after 4 years in AA, and I have now lost EVERYTHING. Struggling & exhausted myself, so I can totally relate. It's easy to find fault with AA & meetings, but the bottom line is when I was keeping an open-mind and working it, life was good. I went back out for 9 years and things were OK--for awhile--but the obsession/compulsion came back and I eventually & just recently lost it ALL: marriage, home, job, family, $$, credit. MAJORLY depressed and FULL of guilt and shame. I want to give up myself, but I keep truckin for my daughter. Coming up on 6mo, but it's an ongoing struggle...

Originally Posted by matilda123

Just to piggy back on what JanieJ said: for those of us who have childhood trauma, we HAVE to grapple with that at some point to stay sober. I do not know you, Serenidad, but I have witnessed your compassion and kindness on this board many times. Consider turning that compassion and kindness onto yourself. HeartCore's message also is important: it is a doing. Honestly, my nails are down to nubs. This week has been hard. But I can't drink--I can't. And I won't. Do what you need to do and get the support you need to stay sober. You are so worth it.xo

Originally Posted by Anna

Me too, Janie, this was the root of my alcoholism. Looking back, I realize how much I hated myself, to the point of poisoning myself. Allowing myself to know that I deserved a good life (we all do) made a big difference.

Originally Posted by haennie

Serenidad, have you thought about doing something more than just AA this time around? I'm just asking because you did go to AA before and are still struggling... Yes the cravings can be heart wrenching in the beginning and for a while for some of us. I certainly had some from hell, when I was thinking no way I will get through without picking up... but I did, many of us did. For me what worked best was to do something when they hit instead of just trying to think myself out of them, at least initially. I think you got a lot of good suggestions before and you had your own ideas as well. Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I sort of recall that you also had a problem with benzos and thought that they added to your cravings... Have you done anything about that? It would probably be also important to address the other underlying problems that you feel they get in the way of your staying sober. Giving up is not an option, but perhaps you should try to add more options to your recovery arsenal?

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII

serenidad, remember that are no magic fixes....and you won't be all better in a week, or two. yes you made a good start getting to meetings....now you gotta keep going, one day at a time, and DO THE WORK. do you have the Big Book? READ IT. do you have a homegroup? GET ONE. listen more than you share, right now....with both ears, that keeps the mind open. go early, stay late, help make coffee, set up chairs, clean up - service work, keeps you humble. yoru sponsor is there to help guide you thru the steps and the traditions, not be your friend or your therapist. if you need a friend, call one. if you need a therapist, get one. keep it simple. REAL simple. here are the directions for staying sober (old skool AA): 1) Don't drink 2) Go to meetings 3) Follow directions and the directions are: 1) Don't drink 2) Go to meetings 3) Follow directions and the directions are..........etc etc

Originally Posted by Serenidad

Thx so much Matilda! You're right....I need to treat myself nicely. I've been hitting myself pretty hard over the head with a stick lately. It's time to get off the pity potty, stand up, put my big girl panties on, dust myself off and WORK my arse off to get and stay sober again! Thx for the kind words! Means so much!!! Are you doing well Matilda? Hanging in there?

Originally Posted by Della1968

Just throwing this out there....Zoloft increased my drinking big-time. I thought it was just me but I have spoken to others that it happened to as well.

Originally Posted by matilda123

Good for you, Serenidad! Truth be told, this hasn't been the easiest week. Puppy cut her paw, tenant had an appliance emergency and I broke my rule and worked too late yesterday and feel exhausted. Partner is still out of town. Can feel a perfect storm brewing. Plan to head out of the office early, pick up something yummy at whole foods for dinner and head to bed early. Getting through these patches are the test and the reward.

Originally Posted by Serenidad

That is really good Janie. I will try that! How are you doing?