Taking the first step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 58
Taking the first step
Ahh, Super Bowl Sunday. What a time to commit to sobriety.
I would like to pretend I don't know where to begin, but that is far from the truth. I know exactly what led me here.
I am 25-years-old and got drunk for the first time when I was 16. A rookie and cheap vodka DO NOT mix. I made a complete ass out of myself, covered a floor in vomit, and was recorded drinking a cup of urine. How HUMILIATING!!! But did it stop me? Of course not. Eventually my peers forgot about me drinking pee and fortunately it was an isolated incident. Now, 9 years later, consuming pee is the least of my worries.
I never drank heavily in high school. Maybe a random Friday night once a month but nothing more than that. Abuse wouldn't come until many years later.
After graduation I went to a state university and was drunk for a week straight. I thought that was SO unbelievable and couldn't believe I had it in me. I never binged like that until spring break in Panama City Beach the following spring.
Years 19-20 were pretty unremarkable because I smoked a *lot* of pot instead of drinking. I then became afraid I needed it to function and quit cold turkey. I smoke a few times a year now.
Anyway, next thing I know, I'm 21! Yay!!! I retired my fake ID and a local bar became a Thursday night ritual. My drinking slowly started becoming more recognizable, but nothing that made anyone think I had a problem. But it should be noted I started developing hangover depression at this age.
At age 23 is when I became an alcoholic. My sister and I moved into an apartment together and started drinking nearly every night. I justified my drinking because she was doing it too. Other than the "standard" hangover (headache, nausea) I never showed withdrawal symptoms until about 6 months into living together. First came the shakes. I was the only one who noticed them and would often lay my hand flat and stare to see if I really had the shakes or if I was delusional since no one had mentioned it... yet. The first person to ask me "why I was shaking" was my boss. I had always blamed it on being cold, even though I was profusely sweating even in my very chilly office.
First the shakes were only in my hands. Last year I started getting them all over. My legs were wobbly, I could hardly hold a cup to my mouth, and recently my voice has even become shakey. My friends laughed at me and jokingly called me an alcoholic, but in serious conversation they told me over and over I wasn't an alcoholic. I realize now that it's probably because if *I* was an alcoholic, that meant they were, too.
My next bout of withdrawal came from drinking to feel better. There once was a time that if I was hungover I couldn't STAND a the thought or sight of alcohol. Not any more. I did some research online and thought it was "normal" to use the hair of the dog, but I never stopped at just one. I would get drunk all over again.
I then started getting pins and needles feelings in my hands and feet. My head also would feel like cotton occasionally.
Finally came drinker's remorse. I don't think this a problem non-alcoholics suffer. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I feel guilty, depressed, and embarassed. I am clinically prescribed with anxiety and take 50mg Zoloft once a day, but it doesn't even scratch the surface. It does help with the heart palps, but I can never shake off the depression (when I'm hungover, that is. When I'm not it does its job wonderfully).
I know what the answer is, stop drinking, but I'm scared. I don't want to tell my doctor, I don't want to go to AA, I want to do it by myself. I know that isn't possible, which is the reason I'm here. I need someone to talk to who can empathize and reassure me I'm not the only one who suffers. Before the Super Bowl came on, I went to the dumpster and threw all the alcohol I had in my apartment away. I have vowed to not keep any in my apartment and to STOP drinking alone.
I have embarrassed myself for the last time. I know I can stop this before it spirals out of control. I'm a college grad, have a great job, my own place, and a very loving family. I'm going to overcome this.
If you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I already feel liberated and am beyond thankful for this outlet.
I would like to pretend I don't know where to begin, but that is far from the truth. I know exactly what led me here.
I am 25-years-old and got drunk for the first time when I was 16. A rookie and cheap vodka DO NOT mix. I made a complete ass out of myself, covered a floor in vomit, and was recorded drinking a cup of urine. How HUMILIATING!!! But did it stop me? Of course not. Eventually my peers forgot about me drinking pee and fortunately it was an isolated incident. Now, 9 years later, consuming pee is the least of my worries.
I never drank heavily in high school. Maybe a random Friday night once a month but nothing more than that. Abuse wouldn't come until many years later.
After graduation I went to a state university and was drunk for a week straight. I thought that was SO unbelievable and couldn't believe I had it in me. I never binged like that until spring break in Panama City Beach the following spring.
Years 19-20 were pretty unremarkable because I smoked a *lot* of pot instead of drinking. I then became afraid I needed it to function and quit cold turkey. I smoke a few times a year now.
Anyway, next thing I know, I'm 21! Yay!!! I retired my fake ID and a local bar became a Thursday night ritual. My drinking slowly started becoming more recognizable, but nothing that made anyone think I had a problem. But it should be noted I started developing hangover depression at this age.
At age 23 is when I became an alcoholic. My sister and I moved into an apartment together and started drinking nearly every night. I justified my drinking because she was doing it too. Other than the "standard" hangover (headache, nausea) I never showed withdrawal symptoms until about 6 months into living together. First came the shakes. I was the only one who noticed them and would often lay my hand flat and stare to see if I really had the shakes or if I was delusional since no one had mentioned it... yet. The first person to ask me "why I was shaking" was my boss. I had always blamed it on being cold, even though I was profusely sweating even in my very chilly office.
First the shakes were only in my hands. Last year I started getting them all over. My legs were wobbly, I could hardly hold a cup to my mouth, and recently my voice has even become shakey. My friends laughed at me and jokingly called me an alcoholic, but in serious conversation they told me over and over I wasn't an alcoholic. I realize now that it's probably because if *I* was an alcoholic, that meant they were, too.
My next bout of withdrawal came from drinking to feel better. There once was a time that if I was hungover I couldn't STAND a the thought or sight of alcohol. Not any more. I did some research online and thought it was "normal" to use the hair of the dog, but I never stopped at just one. I would get drunk all over again.
I then started getting pins and needles feelings in my hands and feet. My head also would feel like cotton occasionally.
Finally came drinker's remorse. I don't think this a problem non-alcoholics suffer. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I feel guilty, depressed, and embarassed. I am clinically prescribed with anxiety and take 50mg Zoloft once a day, but it doesn't even scratch the surface. It does help with the heart palps, but I can never shake off the depression (when I'm hungover, that is. When I'm not it does its job wonderfully).
I know what the answer is, stop drinking, but I'm scared. I don't want to tell my doctor, I don't want to go to AA, I want to do it by myself. I know that isn't possible, which is the reason I'm here. I need someone to talk to who can empathize and reassure me I'm not the only one who suffers. Before the Super Bowl came on, I went to the dumpster and threw all the alcohol I had in my apartment away. I have vowed to not keep any in my apartment and to STOP drinking alone.
I have embarrassed myself for the last time. I know I can stop this before it spirals out of control. I'm a college grad, have a great job, my own place, and a very loving family. I'm going to overcome this.
If you have taken the time to read all of this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I already feel liberated and am beyond thankful for this outlet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Hi, I've just joined today too as I'm sick of being like this.
I know it's not easy but as you are on medication it may be worth speaking to your doctor as they may need to tweak it. I've no medical experience (bar watching TV shows !!) so may be talking rubbish :-)
I know it's not easy but as you are on medication it may be worth speaking to your doctor as they may need to tweak it. I've no medical experience (bar watching TV shows !!) so may be talking rubbish :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hello and welcome to SR 
You will find plenty of support here.
You are not the only one who suffers. I understand the fear and how difficult it is as do many here.
Good for you for trashing the alcohol pre- Super Bowl!
So glad you found the site.
You will find plenty of support here.You are not the only one who suffers. I understand the fear and how difficult it is as do many here.
Good for you for trashing the alcohol pre- Super Bowl!
So glad you found the site.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: California
Posts: 87
For me, I need AA. Having a Sponser I can called has really helped in my first 2 days after a binge. I was afraid of it at first, until I realized everyone in there is in the same boat and been there. I'm going to do the steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Hello Carrie! Welcome to SR.
I've also sought help for the first time at the age of 25. I quit, but as the days went by and memory of all my shameful actions faded, I picked up that darn bottle again. I just wasn't ready - my main argument was "I'm too young to quit drinking". Oh, how I wish I could turn back time...
I'm 28 now and absolutely all the worst things that have ever happened to me were a direct result of changing my mind 3 years ago. Don't make the same mistake. Once you know you're an alcoholic - get help. Trust me, things can spiral out of control within the matter of days/weeks. Good luck!
I've also sought help for the first time at the age of 25. I quit, but as the days went by and memory of all my shameful actions faded, I picked up that darn bottle again. I just wasn't ready - my main argument was "I'm too young to quit drinking". Oh, how I wish I could turn back time...
I'm 28 now and absolutely all the worst things that have ever happened to me were a direct result of changing my mind 3 years ago. Don't make the same mistake. Once you know you're an alcoholic - get help. Trust me, things can spiral out of control within the matter of days/weeks. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I never suffered depression or anxiety until I had become a regular drinker. I could only afford to drink 2 or 3 times a month in college so I didn't really start to abuse alcohol until I began to work full time at 24. Within 4 years, I was drinking a 5th of vodka a day. I was so miserable all the time but i saw alcohol as the cure for my anxiety and depression. I even went on AD meds. Still I drank. The meds never worked since the booze just cancelled them out.
Complete abstinence from alcohol was the only thing that ever cleared my depression and anxiety. It was all alcohol related
Complete abstinence from alcohol was the only thing that ever cleared my depression and anxiety. It was all alcohol related
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Pleased to meet you CB - you're among friends who care. Being here helped me find the courage to change my life. I sure wish I'd been in my 20's when I realized I couldn't handle it - things would have been so different. Be proud of yourself for taking a hard look at what alcohol is doing to your life. It's great to be free of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Burien WA.
Posts: 2,893
You need to stop, at your age to have those withdrawals symptoms you know it's only going to get worse, I was in my 50s before it got that bad. Stick it out, don't give in to the drink. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Torrance CA
Posts: 8
Hi Carrie,
I can certainly relate. I experienced something similar when I was on a fishing trip with some buddies and picked and drank out of a beer bottle that a guy used to **** in.
I am new in recovery and learn new ways to grow in sobriety every day. The only advice I have is, "don't try to sponsor yourself."
I can certainly relate. I experienced something similar when I was on a fishing trip with some buddies and picked and drank out of a beer bottle that a guy used to **** in.
I am new in recovery and learn new ways to grow in sobriety every day. The only advice I have is, "don't try to sponsor yourself."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: FPO
Posts: 119
Thanks so much for sharing. I am back in a cycle after so many wonderful years of sobriety. I want to do it alone too, but I think we are just fooling ourselves - we want an easy way out. I think it's time for me to hit some meetings and look into counseling. I really appreciate your stroy - it helps so much to know we are not along.
Hugs,
Grat
Hugs,
Grat
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
Thanks for posting! My story is about the same as your but I am 36. Today is my first day of being sober. I am nervous as hell and scared of whats to come without alcohol.
Seeing your story lets me know there are others who are here to help! We can do this together!
Seeing your story lets me know there are others who are here to help! We can do this together!
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Super Bowl Sunday is the perfect time to quit, since it is today and there is no time like the present to do something. (In fact, it's the only time you can do something. You can't do anything in the past because it's gone. And the future is not here, so nothing doable there. That just leaves NOW.) All the best to you and your new life.
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