I'm here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
I'm here.
I'm here and yet I'm not. I know I need to get my crap together and yet I don't. Just had a "blizzard" and during storm prep, I was sure to buy not one, not two but 3 1.75 liter bottles of wine. The last bottle of wine? I'm glad you asked. I dumped half of it down the sink because I had had enough of waking up feeling sick and going to bed "passing out" rather than falling asleep.
I'm an alcohol abuser, plain and simple. I don't view it as a disease, but being pickled as a result of my repeated offenses. I am similarly weak in the knees regarding things like Pizza, potato chips and chocolate, but that doesn't make me a "olic" with food. I just have poor impulse control and once I start, I don't know when enough is enough. A serving is an entire bag of chips. I don't eat it all in one sitting but it will likely be gone before the morning. A medium pizza with x-cheese doesn't stand the chance of seeing the dawn either.
I have to stop this madness. I don't know how. I know about the 12 steps and I'm familiar with another plan called Rational Recovery. I'm more in line with that approach cause like I said, I don't view alcoholism as a disease but something we do to ourselves over a long period of time. I use it to numb myself and to avoid things that I need to be facing and taking care of. So much easier to just pour another one and kick my feet up.
I have stopped for several years at a time in the past and I felt fine. didn't miss it. Well, when things started to hit the fan in life, I began to get tempted to drink again. I fought it off for about 6 months but I ended up having a few draft beers out at a restaurant. I was beginning a new job the next day and my anxiety level was very high. I recall that the beer did nothing to help with that. Still, I continued to drink. It was my reward for getting through each day. That was 6 1/2 years ago.
Why do I keep rewarding myself with something that is doing me in? What can I replace alcohol with to fill the void? What will I do with all that wasted time and money? I know what to do with the money, but the time is a harder issue. Well, I know what to do with the time too, but I'm so damned lazy and all I want to do is lay around and feed and drink my sorrows away. My problems only exist in the abstract.
I know I'm understood all too well, so that's all I'll say for now. Just wanted to dip my toes in the water to see if it was warm before stepping all the way in.
I'm an alcohol abuser, plain and simple. I don't view it as a disease, but being pickled as a result of my repeated offenses. I am similarly weak in the knees regarding things like Pizza, potato chips and chocolate, but that doesn't make me a "olic" with food. I just have poor impulse control and once I start, I don't know when enough is enough. A serving is an entire bag of chips. I don't eat it all in one sitting but it will likely be gone before the morning. A medium pizza with x-cheese doesn't stand the chance of seeing the dawn either.
I have to stop this madness. I don't know how. I know about the 12 steps and I'm familiar with another plan called Rational Recovery. I'm more in line with that approach cause like I said, I don't view alcoholism as a disease but something we do to ourselves over a long period of time. I use it to numb myself and to avoid things that I need to be facing and taking care of. So much easier to just pour another one and kick my feet up.
I have stopped for several years at a time in the past and I felt fine. didn't miss it. Well, when things started to hit the fan in life, I began to get tempted to drink again. I fought it off for about 6 months but I ended up having a few draft beers out at a restaurant. I was beginning a new job the next day and my anxiety level was very high. I recall that the beer did nothing to help with that. Still, I continued to drink. It was my reward for getting through each day. That was 6 1/2 years ago.
Why do I keep rewarding myself with something that is doing me in? What can I replace alcohol with to fill the void? What will I do with all that wasted time and money? I know what to do with the money, but the time is a harder issue. Well, I know what to do with the time too, but I'm so damned lazy and all I want to do is lay around and feed and drink my sorrows away. My problems only exist in the abstract.
I know I'm understood all too well, so that's all I'll say for now. Just wanted to dip my toes in the water to see if it was warm before stepping all the way in.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome to SR, Sissy. You will find support, understanding and encouragement here. The water temp is always perfect.
We have all been where you are - trapped in a vicious cycle which we are finding difficult to break. It all begins with putting down the drink - realizing, accepting and acknowledging that we are an alcoholic and that alcohol has nothing of true value to offer us.
Glad you found us, Cissy.
We have all been where you are - trapped in a vicious cycle which we are finding difficult to break. It all begins with putting down the drink - realizing, accepting and acknowledging that we are an alcoholic and that alcohol has nothing of true value to offer us.
Glad you found us, Cissy.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome Cissy, your story is similar to mine. I knew I had to do something about my drinking, but also enjoyed it. Tried to control it, which took a lot of effort. Had many quits, and relapses until I finally looked at the big picture and realized how stuck I was in my life. The years were quietly slipping by, while I lived in quiet desperation, wanting more.
I had some counseling which helped me to see my patterns, and that I wasn't a bad person, and I began to move forward. When I quit, the first few months I stayed sober mostly to please my therapist, lol, because no one else really cared or thought I had a big problem. It worked, along with help from this board. Life for me is so much better now.
Good luck, you can do it.
I had some counseling which helped me to see my patterns, and that I wasn't a bad person, and I began to move forward. When I quit, the first few months I stayed sober mostly to please my therapist, lol, because no one else really cared or thought I had a big problem. It worked, along with help from this board. Life for me is so much better now.
Good luck, you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
How nice to meet you all too. I love that we can "like" posts on this forum. Sure saves a lot of personal replies. I thank you for your warm welcome and I look forward to joining you, living on the other side of this thing. I think what I want more than anything is not to feel compelled to do something.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Oh, Cissy. Your story sounds so much like mine. Welcome to SR- it's a great place. Keep reading our stories and posting about how you are doing. There is so much knowledge and experience here. I'm glad you are here and are making a change. It gets better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
I'm checking in just to say that I'm doing so well with RR that I don't need support! I haven't been here in days. I just profess out loud, "I will never drink alcohol again and I will never change my mind" a few times a day and I make sure that I mean it and I'm doing great.
I have terrible insomnia and take sleeping pills (Rx) but I'm also trying to nix those out of my life as well. They are an addictive drug and I don't have room in my life for things like that anymore. I just have to get used to sleeping like a normal person, no matter how long that takes.
I'm also back on a low carb eating plan and I'm losing weight. I'm determined that this year will be like no other year I've had in the past decade. I do look to God for support and I give Him much gratitude but I know the choice to use is in my hands. I've found what works for me.
I just wanted to share that and to say if anyone out there is still struggling, it's really so easy if you speak those words out loud and make sure that you mean them. Don't listen to the "beast" AV in your head. Just smile and know he's dead to you now. Watch him shrivel up and fade into oblivion.
I have terrible insomnia and take sleeping pills (Rx) but I'm also trying to nix those out of my life as well. They are an addictive drug and I don't have room in my life for things like that anymore. I just have to get used to sleeping like a normal person, no matter how long that takes.
I'm also back on a low carb eating plan and I'm losing weight. I'm determined that this year will be like no other year I've had in the past decade. I do look to God for support and I give Him much gratitude but I know the choice to use is in my hands. I've found what works for me.
I just wanted to share that and to say if anyone out there is still struggling, it's really so easy if you speak those words out loud and make sure that you mean them. Don't listen to the "beast" AV in your head. Just smile and know he's dead to you now. Watch him shrivel up and fade into oblivion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
My first real temptation coming up next Wednesday night.
I have gone out to eat twice in the past month and a half since I stopped drinking and sat at a table with family members who were drinking beer and wine and I drank my large glass of ice-cold seltzer with lots of fresh lemon or lime and I loved it. That was family and they knew I was on my low carb diet and I didn't bother announcing that the reason I wasn't drinking was because I would never be drinking again. I wasn't up for that kind of thing and it made no sense to come out and proclaim anything. I stuck 100% to my low carb eating plan and didn't sway on booze. No temptation. Felt strong and free.
But tonight I got an invitation. This coming Wednesday, 3 girlfriends and I are meeting at a place they chose called Barley Vine. It's a "gastropub." All 4 of us used to work at a therapeutic riding stable caring for the horses (none of us do now) but we have that connection and we used to get together for drinks on rare occasions. We haven't gotten together in maybe 8 months or so and it's the first time the 3rd girl has ever been able to make it.
I know the AV is talking to me and it's telling me that I can do this for one evening. Just a few beers, go off your diet for one night. It's like a holiday for your "other family" and then you can go back to your big plan. If it's worked from February 1st until today, it will work starting again next Thursday.
Can there be balance? Can there be special occasions? I have never been one who drank to get drunk and I never understood people who said that they did. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel like the world won't come to an end if I let my hair down and enjoy the company of my friends. I know I don't need to drink to enjoy their company, but we may not get together again like this for another year.
I know that you will all tell me to not do it but I'm just being honest. I don't know what I'll decide. I don't see the harm in one night.
I have gone out to eat twice in the past month and a half since I stopped drinking and sat at a table with family members who were drinking beer and wine and I drank my large glass of ice-cold seltzer with lots of fresh lemon or lime and I loved it. That was family and they knew I was on my low carb diet and I didn't bother announcing that the reason I wasn't drinking was because I would never be drinking again. I wasn't up for that kind of thing and it made no sense to come out and proclaim anything. I stuck 100% to my low carb eating plan and didn't sway on booze. No temptation. Felt strong and free.
But tonight I got an invitation. This coming Wednesday, 3 girlfriends and I are meeting at a place they chose called Barley Vine. It's a "gastropub." All 4 of us used to work at a therapeutic riding stable caring for the horses (none of us do now) but we have that connection and we used to get together for drinks on rare occasions. We haven't gotten together in maybe 8 months or so and it's the first time the 3rd girl has ever been able to make it.
I know the AV is talking to me and it's telling me that I can do this for one evening. Just a few beers, go off your diet for one night. It's like a holiday for your "other family" and then you can go back to your big plan. If it's worked from February 1st until today, it will work starting again next Thursday.
Can there be balance? Can there be special occasions? I have never been one who drank to get drunk and I never understood people who said that they did. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel like the world won't come to an end if I let my hair down and enjoy the company of my friends. I know I don't need to drink to enjoy their company, but we may not get together again like this for another year.
I know that you will all tell me to not do it but I'm just being honest. I don't know what I'll decide. I don't see the harm in one night.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
here's the harm:
"I will never drink again and I will never change my mind".
"I don't know what i'll decide."
already, you've gone back on the second part of your decision which supposedly has made it so easy for you so far.
and no, we won't all tell you not to do it. i have no interest in that. entirely your decision.
i have found it most useful for my sobriety to be as honest as i can be.
so if it were me i'd need to say: i've changed my mind on never changing my mind. wow. wtf.
and then i'd need to sit with that.
"I will never drink again and I will never change my mind".
"I don't know what i'll decide."
already, you've gone back on the second part of your decision which supposedly has made it so easy for you so far.
and no, we won't all tell you not to do it. i have no interest in that. entirely your decision.
i have found it most useful for my sobriety to be as honest as i can be.
so if it were me i'd need to say: i've changed my mind on never changing my mind. wow. wtf.
and then i'd need to sit with that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
hi Cissy, I used to take sleeping pills (prescribed) as well, its a tough thing to shake. I had a prescription for ambien, took it for 4 years, it worked wonderfully. I wanted to stop taking it, and I did. But I didn't sleep for 3 days and it got so bad my teeth were chattering for a full day. I will NEVER take another sleep aid. One cap of Nyquil will knock me out for a day and a half now. I wish you the best.
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