turns out i'm a big fat liar- stupid AV
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
turns out i'm a big fat liar- stupid AV
hello again,
Been about a year since I, ve been here.
I've always been a straight shooter. Dont see any good reasons to lie. I drink too much...WAY too much. And i've been doing that for a very long time...20 years plus. I dont lie about that. I dont hide bottles. I buy them, drink them and throw them in the recycling bin.
I've been having severe nerve pain which made me break down and go see a doctor. I dont usual go to doctors...cause well I'm obese, an alcoholic and have terrible eating habits (all kind of goes together, huh?). In general I think, what can a doctor do to fix me when I wont even make an effort to fix myself? But the pain was so bad so I went. And I dont lie to doctors about my level of drinking either.
My pattern is to drink LOTS...nurse a wicked hangover for 2 -1/2 days...then drinks LOTS on the evening of day 3. Sometimes I drink LOTS for three days in a row. Sometimes I nurse a hangover for two days then abstain for seven days in a row. Anyway thats sort of my general pattern.
So I dont really have the standard sort of withdrawal symptoms in the first seven days (perhaps I've trained myself to tolerate the withdrawal?), but from previuos attempts to stop entirely I know that my cravings start around day seven...and I've never abstained for more than 20 days or so.
I need to get my health in order. I've afraid of the damage i've done to myself. The doctor told me -in no uncertain terms- stop drinking and lose at least 15 lbs (to start). And I'm determined to do this.
I breezed through sober day seven and made a note of it on the calendar. Nerve pain management has been at the forefront for me...but i've had in the back of my mind...watch out for the cravings cause they are coming. I figured i'd address them when they reared their ugly head.
Yesterday I was looking through cookbooks to make myself a healthy dinner. And one really good reciepe called for red wine (my favorite). I consulted the clock. I could get a bottle from the deli down the block. If I used half in the recipe (which would boil the alcohol out) then at most I would be only tempted tk drink half a bottle. And by that time the store would be closed and I couldnt get another bottle even if I wanted to. So I would be limited and able to contain my intake. Plus..I needed to eat healthy didnt I?
Besides, I had breezed through sober day seven many, many days before. I was likely into sober week three by now. Apparently the cravings never came. Maybe alcohol wasn't really a problem for me after all.
And in order to congratulate myself, I went to the calendar to confirm what so er day I was on...
DAY 9.
Seriously...only day nine. I thought I was going crazy. I seriuosly felt crazy. How could I have bee. So far off? It was nuts!! I cannot tell you how crazy I felt.
Then it occurred to me that I had been listening to my A/V. So thats what a AV sounds like?!
My AV was willing to give up on my very early days of sobriety just for a "healthy" dinner recipe. And I tried to remember what was the recipe that was so important anyway? Seriously, what was it? I could not remember. The cookbooks were still on the table. I paged through them all again. I could find only one recipe calling for red wine. It wasn't particularly healthy. In fact it wasn't even something I like.
That AV thing is crazy! This is the first time I actual get it. I think of myself as being such an honest straight shooter, and it turns out I have this lying, manipulative, evil voice in my head thats part of me.
I'm starting now to uncover other lies i've been telling myself.
This is making me feel crazy!!!:
Been about a year since I, ve been here.
I've always been a straight shooter. Dont see any good reasons to lie. I drink too much...WAY too much. And i've been doing that for a very long time...20 years plus. I dont lie about that. I dont hide bottles. I buy them, drink them and throw them in the recycling bin.
I've been having severe nerve pain which made me break down and go see a doctor. I dont usual go to doctors...cause well I'm obese, an alcoholic and have terrible eating habits (all kind of goes together, huh?). In general I think, what can a doctor do to fix me when I wont even make an effort to fix myself? But the pain was so bad so I went. And I dont lie to doctors about my level of drinking either.
My pattern is to drink LOTS...nurse a wicked hangover for 2 -1/2 days...then drinks LOTS on the evening of day 3. Sometimes I drink LOTS for three days in a row. Sometimes I nurse a hangover for two days then abstain for seven days in a row. Anyway thats sort of my general pattern.
So I dont really have the standard sort of withdrawal symptoms in the first seven days (perhaps I've trained myself to tolerate the withdrawal?), but from previuos attempts to stop entirely I know that my cravings start around day seven...and I've never abstained for more than 20 days or so.
I need to get my health in order. I've afraid of the damage i've done to myself. The doctor told me -in no uncertain terms- stop drinking and lose at least 15 lbs (to start). And I'm determined to do this.
I breezed through sober day seven and made a note of it on the calendar. Nerve pain management has been at the forefront for me...but i've had in the back of my mind...watch out for the cravings cause they are coming. I figured i'd address them when they reared their ugly head.
Yesterday I was looking through cookbooks to make myself a healthy dinner. And one really good reciepe called for red wine (my favorite). I consulted the clock. I could get a bottle from the deli down the block. If I used half in the recipe (which would boil the alcohol out) then at most I would be only tempted tk drink half a bottle. And by that time the store would be closed and I couldnt get another bottle even if I wanted to. So I would be limited and able to contain my intake. Plus..I needed to eat healthy didnt I?
Besides, I had breezed through sober day seven many, many days before. I was likely into sober week three by now. Apparently the cravings never came. Maybe alcohol wasn't really a problem for me after all.
And in order to congratulate myself, I went to the calendar to confirm what so er day I was on...
DAY 9.
Seriously...only day nine. I thought I was going crazy. I seriuosly felt crazy. How could I have bee. So far off? It was nuts!! I cannot tell you how crazy I felt.
Then it occurred to me that I had been listening to my A/V. So thats what a AV sounds like?!
My AV was willing to give up on my very early days of sobriety just for a "healthy" dinner recipe. And I tried to remember what was the recipe that was so important anyway? Seriously, what was it? I could not remember. The cookbooks were still on the table. I paged through them all again. I could find only one recipe calling for red wine. It wasn't particularly healthy. In fact it wasn't even something I like.
That AV thing is crazy! This is the first time I actual get it. I think of myself as being such an honest straight shooter, and it turns out I have this lying, manipulative, evil voice in my head thats part of me.
I'm starting now to uncover other lies i've been telling myself.
This is making me feel crazy!!!:
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome back to SR, milly4me. Good job on 9 sober days.
Good job on recognizing the AV for the demonic liar that he is.
You might want to Google "amount of alcohol burned off during cooking"; you might be surprised to see how much alcohol content remains after various cooking methods.
Do you have any face to face support, milly4me - AA, counseling?
Good job on recognizing the AV for the demonic liar that he is.
You might want to Google "amount of alcohol burned off during cooking"; you might be surprised to see how much alcohol content remains after various cooking methods.
Do you have any face to face support, milly4me - AA, counseling?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by milly4me 
Thanks guys. Oh yeah that whole "boiled off" thing. I know thats just my AV cooking. And...no I don't have any other support than SR right now. I'll need to start working on that too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Congratulations on what was truly and irrevocably a breakthrough!!!!
You just saw the lie!!! That's the center of everything. Once you can recognize the voice of the AV, you can snub him with the stubborn intensity of a pissed off 13 year old girl. Remember when you would pretend someone was invisible and you couldn't hear what they were saying? Remember how that could reduce them to tears if you did it long enough, how cruel it was, how they crumbled? The AV works the same way, ends up just sniveling in a stall in the bathroom with no power left at all...
You just saw the lie!!! That's the center of everything. Once you can recognize the voice of the AV, you can snub him with the stubborn intensity of a pissed off 13 year old girl. Remember when you would pretend someone was invisible and you couldn't hear what they were saying? Remember how that could reduce them to tears if you did it long enough, how cruel it was, how they crumbled? The AV works the same way, ends up just sniveling in a stall in the bathroom with no power left at all...
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