matilda123

Just talked to my partner about my worries. He was pretty dismissive about them. Not in a mean way-- I know that he wants me not to worry--but it hurt, nonetheless. Unlike him, I'm not 6'4. Unlike him, I have had violent things happen to me.

I suspect part of this is about the fact that since I've quit drinking a lot of repressed stuff has been bubbling back to the surface and it has impacted our relationship. I so wish that I had dealt with some of this prior to our marriage, but I didn't (or at least not all of it; active drinking kept some stuff at bay). It just feels hard. Ironically, it was "easier" in some ways to be a better partner when I was drinking. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone--I guess I just felt like I could shut down easier. I know that isn't a good thing for me or our relationship, but it was easier in some respects.

Boy, I feel down tonight.

OnMyWay7

Very much understand but I'm looking forward to living more honestly if not easier or numb

LBrain

do your best matilda, whatever works for you short of drinking of course.

have you sought any kind of counseling? just a thought.

matilda123

I have had years of counseling off and on. I think I probably need some more. Sigh. I think I get a certain ways into childhood stuff and then, much like those at the gates of Dante's hell, I abandon all hope and start drinking again.

I'm just having a hard time...feeling very fragile and prickly and feeling bad and guilty about it too and my standoffishness. I am a people pleaser from way back.

saoutchik

Hello Matilda, you sound like a really nice person

maybe for now you should stop being a 'people pleaser' and just do what's right for yourself.
Don't blame yourself for not 'dealing' with horrible repressed memories and neither should anyone blame you.

It's hard enough just stopping drinking without repressed memories.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Jsbodhi

Aw!!!

I hope you get a good sleep and feel better!

savarna

let them feelings flow sweety they will pass tomorrow is another day xx

Foolsgold186

Sorry your having a tough time Matilda. I too was a people pleaser, took a long time (and still now) I struggle with that.

Maybe speaking to someone is a good idea.

Wishing you well.

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Matilda!!

Soberwolf

(((Matilda)))

Someone once told me you know whats great about sobriety ? you get your feelings bk

you know whats bad about sobriety ? you get your feelings bk

i think this person was trying to say keep balance

I would talk to your husband another time & try saying it again he might be worried trying to protect you somehow & maybe the wires have been crossed

hang in there Matilda

matilda123

SW, boy that is the truth! I'm feeling real joy for the first time in years (that joy that comes out of the blue and sweeps you like a wave). Of course with that comes the painful feelings I've been hiding from. Funny enough, I thought I'd "dealt" with all that. I see that it is like an onion you keep peeling.

Good advice about talking. heading out for our morning dog hike, which is always our talking time.

Thanks all. Feel much better this morning. I'm sure the good night's sleep (which I rarely enjoyed when drinking) helped.

Hope all of you have a great day.

Ellay

I hear you, Matilda. I miss being "numb" at times with my fiancé. The good and the bad feelings are always there - no numbing ...escaping...you are doing great. Keep talking to him. I bet he is trying to protect, and make things "ok" for you.