My girlfriend doesn't want me to quit
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 54
My girlfriend doesn't want me to quit
I gave up alcohol for a year a while back and then fell back into old habits. I've therefore decided that I'll try and be dry for all of 2015. I'm quite excited by the thought of a sober year actually. The only downer at the moment is that my gf doesn't want me to quit - she says I should just moderate. She says I'm boring if I don't drink when we go out and it impacts upon her fun. She is a normie by the way - in fact she will only drink 2-3 on a night out.
Anyone had a similar situation? Any suggestions?
Anyone had a similar situation? Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Did she ever witness any particularly bad events when you were drunk? Blackouts? Etc?
I've heard sometimes that women resent their alcoholic husbands when they stop drinking because they are no longer the "holier than thou" one in the relationship who's right about everything. They are not used to an equal playing field.
I've heard sometimes that women resent their alcoholic husbands when they stop drinking because they are no longer the "holier than thou" one in the relationship who's right about everything. They are not used to an equal playing field.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I can totally understand how she feels.
I think its harsh to say it's unkind of her to feel the way she does
People who can drink normally don't get that we can't and that sometimes it has to be all or nothing.
For some people drinking is nice and they enjoy it.
If I think back to some of my past relationships (I'm single now) a lot of nice moments were shared with drink involved.
That was before my drinking got ridiculous.
Afternoons in cosy pub corners with a drink.
Evenings on the sofa sharing wine.
Shopping together and stopping for a drink.
Cocktails on holiday.
We even marked bonfire night with our traditional pint of lager and lime.
When we got engaged we had champagne.
In no way am I saying its right to do the above, but it is often what happens in a relationship, especially when you don't have children.
If I am honest the fact I don't drink is one reason I am not in a relationship.
If someone wanted to take me for dinner, would it be okay with him if I just drank diet coke?
I always remember reading an article about a woman whose husband got sober at AA. While she was really proud of him, there were times when she would watch other couples over dinner, sharing wine, chatting, laughing etc and she felt a pang of regret they could not do that anymore.
I think if you want to be sober, thats great.
But you need to understand and accept how your girlfriend may feel nervous, or sad as things will be different. Its natural to feel how she feels in my opinion.
The only way to move forward is to talk about it and try and make her understand but also understand her feelings too.
I wish you the best. xx
I think its harsh to say it's unkind of her to feel the way she does
People who can drink normally don't get that we can't and that sometimes it has to be all or nothing.
For some people drinking is nice and they enjoy it.
If I think back to some of my past relationships (I'm single now) a lot of nice moments were shared with drink involved.
That was before my drinking got ridiculous.
Afternoons in cosy pub corners with a drink.
Evenings on the sofa sharing wine.
Shopping together and stopping for a drink.
Cocktails on holiday.
We even marked bonfire night with our traditional pint of lager and lime.
When we got engaged we had champagne.
In no way am I saying its right to do the above, but it is often what happens in a relationship, especially when you don't have children.
If I am honest the fact I don't drink is one reason I am not in a relationship.
If someone wanted to take me for dinner, would it be okay with him if I just drank diet coke?
I always remember reading an article about a woman whose husband got sober at AA. While she was really proud of him, there were times when she would watch other couples over dinner, sharing wine, chatting, laughing etc and she felt a pang of regret they could not do that anymore.
I think if you want to be sober, thats great.
But you need to understand and accept how your girlfriend may feel nervous, or sad as things will be different. Its natural to feel how she feels in my opinion.
The only way to move forward is to talk about it and try and make her understand but also understand her feelings too.
I wish you the best. xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 210
It's very hard for a normie to understand why we just can't moderate. Just like its hard for us to understand how anyone can moderate. Explain to her the best you can that moderation is not an option for you. She doesn't have to get it, but she should at least not try to deter you from a positive change.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
I wonder what she means by boring. Does she simply want to share a drink or is your behavior different, because sobriety doesn't mean you can't act crazy and have fun. Maybe try to develop some new activities with her that don't revolve around going out and drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I am not sure I agree that it's hard for an normal drinker to understand that an alcoholic can't moderate. I think everyone understands this. It may be that she has not accepted that you are an alcoholic or has not given it much thought. I think you should talk the situation through with her and help her understand that you are an alcoholic and what the implications are and that you have no choice other than stopping completely. If she doesn't like it then that's too bad because it's a non negotiable. Then you can switch your focus to finding ways to make her happy.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I don't think a 'normie' would say that...
At least not a mature person who values you for you.
You might want to consider whether this lady is really all that into you.
I wouldn't be with someone who considered me 'boring' if I wasn't drunk.
At least not a mature person who values you for you.
You might want to consider whether this lady is really all that into you.
I wouldn't be with someone who considered me 'boring' if I wasn't drunk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 10
no excuses
well done for facing the truth. The both of you must accept it and both must sacrifice something small for a much greater good. The thing is you must do this first, the rest will make sense later. Listen to these good people. They have been there.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Yep, I had that situation. I got sober soon after we broke up -- it became much simpler all of a sudden.
My drinking was a lot of why we broke up, but she didn't want me to quit. I always found that a bit weird. I think she just wanted me to drink "normally", she was a bit of an enabler.
You gotta put your health first, I think. If you drink like I drank, man, that's a ticket to an early grave. I'd rather live to 90 without her than stroke out at 68 on my kitchen floor. Plus your life improves (potentially, anyway) in a lot of other areas. Sanity, finances, self-esteem, whatever.
My drinking was a lot of why we broke up, but she didn't want me to quit. I always found that a bit weird. I think she just wanted me to drink "normally", she was a bit of an enabler.
You gotta put your health first, I think. If you drink like I drank, man, that's a ticket to an early grave. I'd rather live to 90 without her than stroke out at 68 on my kitchen floor. Plus your life improves (potentially, anyway) in a lot of other areas. Sanity, finances, self-esteem, whatever.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I know a couple, probably together longer than you two (married). He is moderating at his wife's request and is miserable. Started with a Jamaica vacation ( I had talked to him about googling meetings there or joining this site for the trip, he didn't, we kinda knew how it would go. Wants to be sober again and it's obvious she doesn't (we all know the manipulation and dishonesty increase tenfold in these co-dep "trades"). Most spouses want to keep the spontaneous balls-out-funny or adventurous or poetic drunk but get rid of the unpredictable loser. My marriage is still intact but very different w/out the booze and it's games. I wanted to leave cuz I was justifiably butthurt last week and realized it's sooo AV to consider (the whole "I'm outa here!" thing). We may have to address some things and part amicably at some point but only after pursuing a few new coping/communication strategies before going to eff-it (default mode). I will stay sober first.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
It does seem insulting to tell you you're boring when you're sober. What message is she tyring to give you, that you must drink every time you're around people or you won't be interesting enough?
Well if you're only hanging out with other drinkers it might be true but sober people usually want to be around other sober people who listen much better, make a lot more sense, think more deeply, and are capable of becoming truly close to another person. Even a few drinks destroys much of that IMO
Well if you're only hanging out with other drinkers it might be true but sober people usually want to be around other sober people who listen much better, make a lot more sense, think more deeply, and are capable of becoming truly close to another person. Even a few drinks destroys much of that IMO
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think there are many issues at work here.
It is unfair to say you will be boring if you don't drink. Do you want to be with someone who thinks that of you?
How long have you been together. I'd consider my situation differently if it was a relationship I'd been in for a few months or several years. Do you live together? (you don't have to answer me-it's just for you to consider
)
Does your life revolve around drinking? Do you do other things and have shared interests that don't involve drinking?
When I got sober my husband kept drinking though he did support my efforts. I could not have done it nor would I want to stay with him if he mocked me. That said, getting sober really has changed me, fundamentally. I am not the person I was when drinking. I saw my relationship through totally different eyes and have now ended my marriage.
The fact he drank was a factor but not the key factor. It just highlighted to me that we really had so little in common except our drinking lives in the first few years of our marriage.
Dating a drinker doesn't bother me. I'm in the tentative early stages dating another man who has been a friend for years and has only known me sober. I have no problem with anyone knowing I don't drink now-if it is a problem for them then it's not a man I would want to progress a relationship with.
Wishing you the best of luck but please do what is right for you and don't let her pressure you into staying drnking.
It is unfair to say you will be boring if you don't drink. Do you want to be with someone who thinks that of you?
How long have you been together. I'd consider my situation differently if it was a relationship I'd been in for a few months or several years. Do you live together? (you don't have to answer me-it's just for you to consider
)Does your life revolve around drinking? Do you do other things and have shared interests that don't involve drinking?
When I got sober my husband kept drinking though he did support my efforts. I could not have done it nor would I want to stay with him if he mocked me. That said, getting sober really has changed me, fundamentally. I am not the person I was when drinking. I saw my relationship through totally different eyes and have now ended my marriage.
The fact he drank was a factor but not the key factor. It just highlighted to me that we really had so little in common except our drinking lives in the first few years of our marriage.
Dating a drinker doesn't bother me. I'm in the tentative early stages dating another man who has been a friend for years and has only known me sober. I have no problem with anyone knowing I don't drink now-if it is a problem for them then it's not a man I would want to progress a relationship with.
Wishing you the best of luck but please do what is right for you and don't let her pressure you into staying drnking.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
what is her definition of boring and fun?
"She says I'm boring if I don't drink when we go out and it impacts upon her fun." This sounds like she's saying, "Honey, I'd rather have you ill than healthy and I'm really selfish."
Talk with her more.....
"She says I'm boring if I don't drink when we go out and it impacts upon her fun." This sounds like she's saying, "Honey, I'd rather have you ill than healthy and I'm really selfish."
Talk with her more.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Parkman OH
Posts: 114
Hmm, for one she doesn't understand and to not support your decision is a big flag for you on how this relationship is going to end up.
Another thing is a couple comments I have read here. If she is normal, then why is it so important to her that you drink? It is not normal to have to drink to have fun, really people it is not a requirement to having fun. Also to rationalize her attitude for this in comments on a recovery web site is foolish. Your doing nothing but giving the guy all the excuses he needs to not commit to what he wants to do, Which is not to drink in 2015.
She has issues if she thinks drinking is a requirement to fun, flat out that is the truth of it.
Another thing is a couple comments I have read here. If she is normal, then why is it so important to her that you drink? It is not normal to have to drink to have fun, really people it is not a requirement to having fun. Also to rationalize her attitude for this in comments on a recovery web site is foolish. Your doing nothing but giving the guy all the excuses he needs to not commit to what he wants to do, Which is not to drink in 2015.
She has issues if she thinks drinking is a requirement to fun, flat out that is the truth of it.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
From my experience so far, with friends, I think you GF is nervous of the status quo being changed, which is understandable.
She is afraid of a future that she cannot predict.
Ideally she should support you, but as has been said, she maybe doesn't understand the seriousness of the issue for you, and is thinking more of herself here.
I'm single, but I've had one of two friends grumping about my sobriety, because I've changed, and the balance of the friendship has changed with that. That is unfortunate, but certainly eye- opening, to see how people react to change around them. It's no one's fault, that's they way it is with humans, we all have our insecurities.
I've tried to keep my friends in the loop with me by telling them why I've stopped drinking and making sure they know how serious it is for me. If they can't accept that, then, well I don't know, I haven't got that far yet, but some will drop off and some will stay, I'm sure.
I would be prepared for the fact that your relationship with her will probably change, it might be for the better or not, but it is likely to change.
She is afraid of a future that she cannot predict.
Ideally she should support you, but as has been said, she maybe doesn't understand the seriousness of the issue for you, and is thinking more of herself here.
I'm single, but I've had one of two friends grumping about my sobriety, because I've changed, and the balance of the friendship has changed with that. That is unfortunate, but certainly eye- opening, to see how people react to change around them. It's no one's fault, that's they way it is with humans, we all have our insecurities.
I've tried to keep my friends in the loop with me by telling them why I've stopped drinking and making sure they know how serious it is for me. If they can't accept that, then, well I don't know, I haven't got that far yet, but some will drop off and some will stay, I'm sure.
I would be prepared for the fact that your relationship with her will probably change, it might be for the better or not, but it is likely to change.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
I hope people writing on the newcomers board keep in mind that lots of people are coming here because they're hanging by a thread and hope the forum will help them not drink. He worst thing for me to do is start visuals of cozy experiences enhanced with alcohol. And even before alcohol became a huge problem in my life there were many bad experiences I didn't plan.
I see that a lot of non-alcoholics also get DUIs, say dumb things they regret later, accidentally get too drunk sometimes. The list is endless. As alcoholics looking back it's easy to only see the good and think it was all that at one time. Well for me it wasn't and for many others I see who just drink occasionally, alcohol doesn't always work out how they plan either.
Quote from above "If I am honest the fact I don't drink is one reason I am not in a relationship.
If someone wanted to take me for dinner, would it be okay with him if I just drank diet coke?"
It's OK to tell someoneyou don't drink. Lots of people don't. And shouldn't bother a non-alcoholic or non- problem drinker much, definitely not to the point that they wouldn date someone over it.
I see that a lot of non-alcoholics also get DUIs, say dumb things they regret later, accidentally get too drunk sometimes. The list is endless. As alcoholics looking back it's easy to only see the good and think it was all that at one time. Well for me it wasn't and for many others I see who just drink occasionally, alcohol doesn't always work out how they plan either.
Quote from above "If I am honest the fact I don't drink is one reason I am not in a relationship.
If someone wanted to take me for dinner, would it be okay with him if I just drank diet coke?"
It's OK to tell someoneyou don't drink. Lots of people don't. And shouldn't bother a non-alcoholic or non- problem drinker much, definitely not to the point that they wouldn date someone over it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
The only people I know who make comments about me being boring when not drinking, are other alcoholics who don't like the idea of losing a drinking buddy.I would ask myself some questions-how often does your GF drink? Does she always keep her drinking to a minimum? Is drinking what the two of you have in common?
You need to explain to her the reasons you have to quit. Whatever happens from there will happen but sobriety should be your priority.
You need to explain to her the reasons you have to quit. Whatever happens from there will happen but sobriety should be your priority.
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