Why do I do this?
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Why do I do this?
I almost bought wine. I don't know why I do this. I know I don't want to drink. I don't know what I want. I shut down, like I want to reach out, I think of people to call, but I just can't. I'm convinced they don't want to deal with me. I want help, and I know I need it, but in that moment, I just can't get myself to ask for it. I'm paralyzed. I stood there in the wine isle (for a very long time) and I actually wished someone from my meetings would happen to walk by and stop me. Maybe I'm just terrified of rejection. Okay yes, I'm definitely terrified of rejection. I hoped someone else would initiate the help because to ask for it felt like way too much, like I didn't deserve it. I'm sure they think I'm crazy and barely tolerate me. I hate this. I create all this drama and conflict for myself.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Don't beat yourself up too much Briar - you didn't buy the wine. Come onto SR and post, just like you're doing.
You shouldn't be surprised about this because most alcoholics have to struggle to give up. You're not the first, you won't be the last.
What are you doing right now, physically to handle the cravings? Eaten? Taken on a job around the house? Come back with your plan to get through this.
You shouldn't be surprised about this because most alcoholics have to struggle to give up. You're not the first, you won't be the last.
What are you doing right now, physically to handle the cravings? Eaten? Taken on a job around the house? Come back with your plan to get through this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think for a long time I intuitively believed the only thing I could do to change my mood or escape a situation was drink.
I didn't value myself enough to ask for help, or initiate any kind of change, apart from some instances where I was clearly wanting people to rescue me.
Noone ever did.
Luckily I found SR.
For some reason it was different typing it out here...I stayed sober and my self esteem grew.
I changed.
I learned there were strong reliable people in the world who would and could help, and more than that, that I really was worthy of that help.
Even if we're routinely our own worst enemy, we definitely can choose other ways to react Briar even if they feel strange and awkward and scary.
In the beginning, there was a clear difference between the response I knew was right and the one that felt comfortable...
but as you go on, I found those two choices should become more and more synonymous.
I know you will too Briar. The way you feel today is not the end of the journey,. it's the start...Things do get better
D
I didn't value myself enough to ask for help, or initiate any kind of change, apart from some instances where I was clearly wanting people to rescue me.
Noone ever did.
Luckily I found SR.
For some reason it was different typing it out here...I stayed sober and my self esteem grew.
I changed.
I learned there were strong reliable people in the world who would and could help, and more than that, that I really was worthy of that help.
Even if we're routinely our own worst enemy, we definitely can choose other ways to react Briar even if they feel strange and awkward and scary.
In the beginning, there was a clear difference between the response I knew was right and the one that felt comfortable...
but as you go on, I found those two choices should become more and more synonymous.
I know you will too Briar. The way you feel today is not the end of the journey,. it's the start...Things do get better
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Sorry that you're struggling, but before it gets lost I'd like to point out that you stood in the wine aisle for a very long time and then walked away empty handed. Where I come from we call that a helluva goal line stand.
You had some minutes of inner turmoil, but you came away with a win. You'll want to find ways to work through that turmoil to reduce it in the future, but you have some things to be proud of here as well. Don't lose sight of that.
You're doing this.
You had some minutes of inner turmoil, but you came away with a win. You'll want to find ways to work through that turmoil to reduce it in the future, but you have some things to be proud of here as well. Don't lose sight of that.
You're doing this.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Victory over the wine aisle, well done Briar ((()))
I've done the wine aisle thing myself quite a lot if I'm honest, but walking away makes it easier next time.
Dee's post is spot on.
I've done the wine aisle thing myself quite a lot if I'm honest, but walking away makes it easier next time.
Dee's post is spot on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think for a long time I intuitively believed the only thing I could do to change my mood or escape a situation was drink.
I didn't value myself enough to ask for help, or initiate any kind of change, apart from some instances where I was clearly wanting people to rescue me.
Noone ever did.
Luckily I found SR.
For some reason it was different typing it out here...I stayed sober and my self esteem grew.
I changed.
I learned there were strong reliable people in the world who would and could help, and more than that, that I really was worthy of that help.
Even if we're routinely our own worst enemy, we definitely can choose other ways to react Briar even if they feel strange and awkward and scary.
In the beginning, there was a clear difference between the response I knew was right and the one that felt comfortable...
but as you go on, I found those two choices should become more and more synonymous.
I know you will too Briar. The way you feel today is not the end of the journey,. it's the start...Things do get better
D
I didn't value myself enough to ask for help, or initiate any kind of change, apart from some instances where I was clearly wanting people to rescue me.
Noone ever did.
Luckily I found SR.
For some reason it was different typing it out here...I stayed sober and my self esteem grew.
I changed.
I learned there were strong reliable people in the world who would and could help, and more than that, that I really was worthy of that help.
Even if we're routinely our own worst enemy, we definitely can choose other ways to react Briar even if they feel strange and awkward and scary.
In the beginning, there was a clear difference between the response I knew was right and the one that felt comfortable...
but as you go on, I found those two choices should become more and more synonymous.
I know you will too Briar. The way you feel today is not the end of the journey,. it's the start...Things do get better
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
it could be you do this because you're an alcoholic.
AA, individual counseling to help work on my own 'issues' in life (like anxiety and self worth and fear and stress and self love and acceptance), along with SR have changed my life for the better.
You can do it too!!
AA, individual counseling to help work on my own 'issues' in life (like anxiety and self worth and fear and stress and self love and acceptance), along with SR have changed my life for the better.
You can do it too!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Briar,
i just a couple of weeks ago asked someone to help me, who then explained to me that a daily phonecall or email , that daily contact that some 'sponsors' ask for, is exactly about this:
I shut down, like I want to reach out, I think of people to call, but I just can't. I'm convinced they don't want to deal with me. I want help, and I know I need it, but in that moment, I just can't get myself to ask for it.
it breaks down the resistance and paralysis about picking up the phone and asking. gets us used to doing it. staying connected.
i could see the sense in it.
i just a couple of weeks ago asked someone to help me, who then explained to me that a daily phonecall or email , that daily contact that some 'sponsors' ask for, is exactly about this:
I shut down, like I want to reach out, I think of people to call, but I just can't. I'm convinced they don't want to deal with me. I want help, and I know I need it, but in that moment, I just can't get myself to ask for it.
it breaks down the resistance and paralysis about picking up the phone and asking. gets us used to doing it. staying connected.
i could see the sense in it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 113
Trust me I can relate so much and I did this for so long, isolating and not feeling worthy of help or thinking I didn't need the help however the difference is that I left with the wine bottle time and time again. Now, I've lost my boyfriend of three years and the place where I lived with him. I have come to the point of desperation because I'm so scared about what will happen if I drink again. I am calling my sponsor every day, I'm going to two meetings a day, if I can and I'm listening to what people are telling me and I'm calling. I'm scared and reaching out is uncomfortable but if I don't keep connected to others I don't think I'll make it sober. I tried the other way and it didn't work.
Good for you that you didn't pick up but be careful because I tricked myself into picking up again and I hope that you don't go down that same path. It's not worth it!
You're in my thoughts.
Good for you that you didn't pick up but be careful because I tricked myself into picking up again and I hope that you don't go down that same path. It's not worth it!
You're in my thoughts.
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