help please...
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
thanks for your support. went to a meeting tonight. my first in 4 years. got some fear factor brewing. not sure what that is about. i guess i'm lonely. thank the spirits for this site and for the support.
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
Hi. Thanks for you PM. What a treat to wake up to. Still can't access the chat stuff. Did find an AA chat that I could access last night after the meeting. It's another day and a bit on the brighter side! Time for some java. In light and love to you all....juls
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey Greeneyed--I am a little bit late, but I wanted to welcome you as well. It is so great that you made it to the meeting. Also, I wouldn't be too concerned about the fear part. I think it is totally normal. In fact, most people would be worried if you weren't a little bit scared. So glad you are feeling better today. Hang in there and keep posting!!!! 
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
Trish, thanks for sharing your experience with me. Day two....a bit on the rough side. Dumped the wine this am, just gave away the last six pack of my favorite microbrew and heading out to a meeting. Friend's and family have been so supportive as this site has been. Hanging in there! 
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
Better news Dan....Day 3 one day at a time!
Hi all!
Day three found me driving up the Columbia Gorge to my old home group at Cascade Locks, OR. A good morning for a Spiritual Breakfast, sun rising on the river, birds flying, the breeze warm. My past sponsor received her 20 year coin and another good friend I hadn't seen in years received his 18 year coin. Several of the people I had shared my clean and sober years of experience with were there, many totally surprised and shaken at my recent 4 1/2 year path. The birthday two shared their strength and hope, then I was called on to share my story of how I moved after having 5 1/2 years of freedom, got away from the home group, didn't work with my sponsor in the most honest way I could, didn't find another group, stopped reading the big book, took my life for granted...DAH...the list goes on. The one saving grace in this whole story is I did work the steps the first time in a pretty thorough way, which eases the damage this last time around. I did learn to make amends, not hold grudges, and pray to my higher power. I didn't learn that this is such a cunning and baffling demon I carry around with me..I had heard the stories but now I have experienced the reality of it all. It amazes me even still how arms and hearts are opened to we, the wanderers, and to feel the love and relief when the stray comes wandering home. Now my work begins and it's not with the fear I felt a few days ago but an eagerness in my heart to do this in freedom from the demon one day at a time. It's not as easy this time around for me in some ways, yet the first time around gave me some wonderful tools to work with and now it's time to put them allo back to use. One last thing, I'm a rider by heart...a hobby taken up these latest years...I had one worry as I frequent events...it's been dispelled today. The parking lot had changed in character, the patches on the leather and the logos on the bikes were oddly familiar and there was a sparkle in the eye, mine included. Thank you for being here, all of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by greeneyedjul
The parking lot had changed in character, the patches on the leather and the logos on the bikes were oddly familiar and there was a sparkle in the eye, mine included.
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
24 hours more and the tough get going!
DAy 4 folks. When the going gets rough, the tough know what to do...run to a meeting, call a friend,keep on the lookout for a sponsor and surround myself with good people and things to do. It's not pleasant yet neither is a hangover or a blackout or humiliation from the demon drink. Boy do I have some anger and resentment about so called friends who don't undertand addictions and have bailed. I'm working on this issue by trying to understand their point of view and journaling. I guess the biggest ache I have right now is that I lost my riding partner and since I'm still on the back, I won't be able to ride for awhile. The bright side of this is I will be taking the ABATE course at the end of the month and will have my own bike soon. There is always a bright side through the thick of it all...so it's LET GO and LET GOD right now,(easier said than done) and some productive down time. My fear is in the loneliness that my addiction has brought me. I lost a wonderful relationship. OUCH yet DAH...if I hadn't gotten so cocky about my recovery and out to the wandering path......then again, maybe it was meant to be anyway....thinking about you all out there is like coming home from a toooo long not so wonderful vacation...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: you cant get here from there
Posts: 2
I"ll take another 24
Congrats Greeneyed
Greetings again from beautiful North Central Washington----ok, it might be pretty up here but it's still to darn hot!
I am really glad to see you hanging around--heck I"m glad to see everyone hanging around! I have had a pretty good day--almost done with work--gonna go home, grab some chow and hit a meeting. Sounds like the end of a perfect day.
Keep coming back! :okay:
Peace--clc
Greetings again from beautiful North Central Washington----ok, it might be pretty up here but it's still to darn hot!
I am really glad to see you hanging around--heck I"m glad to see everyone hanging around! I have had a pretty good day--almost done with work--gonna go home, grab some chow and hit a meeting. Sounds like the end of a perfect day.
Keep coming back! :okay:
Peace--clc
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
Day five...the humility sinks in....
Resentments, grudges, lashing out at anybody but the source...ME 
...anger, fear and loathing, EGO...all the crap I carry. Well, some got flushed today. :Flush:
5 days ago I bit the dust. 4 days ago, I got back into AA shaking in my boots, 4 days ago and standing empty is the bottle that ruined me once again.
Under it is the torn in half picture of my best friend and lover and riding buddy and me. I look at it in the morning and I look at it at night and it is a constant reminder of what I did to my life and a relationship. I did this to work through the feelings I was having about my loss. Not only my loss over the several years of sobriety, but my recent loss of a wonderful relationship and a loss of myself into the pools of shame and humiliation.
I think today, this morning, true humbleness sank in and I made an honest effort to make amends..not in anger or with a hidden agenda, just with humility.
I wrote to my estranged friend and truly apologized. I don't no what good it will do him if any, yet I do know a heavy weight lifted off of my soul. I cc'd it to his best friend as witness...that was a scarey thing for me to do yet now I'm glad I did. I took the full responsiblity for my actions and for the collapse of a wonderful relationship. He used to call me his goddess and say he had me on a pedestal. That used to make me laugh but I did plead with him not to put me up there. Well the goddess came crashing down broken and bruised and full of shame and tears.
Four day's ago I dragged myself to a meeting and four days ago the goddess started getting up off her butt from that fall, started brushing away the crap and the shame these past years have brought... and is NOT going to go near any pedestals. This goddess has been in a life threatening war and now has the strength, hope and courage to win it. I have a mighty army behind me if I choose to use it...all the AA's, NA's, CA's whatever A's are out there.
Again, thanks to you angel A's for your wisdom and support. You were there for me that first crucial day and now I am here with you.
In light and love and living to the fullest, free and clean. juls
...anger, fear and loathing, EGO...all the crap I carry. Well, some got flushed today. :Flush: 5 days ago I bit the dust. 4 days ago, I got back into AA shaking in my boots, 4 days ago and standing empty is the bottle that ruined me once again.
Under it is the torn in half picture of my best friend and lover and riding buddy and me. I look at it in the morning and I look at it at night and it is a constant reminder of what I did to my life and a relationship. I did this to work through the feelings I was having about my loss. Not only my loss over the several years of sobriety, but my recent loss of a wonderful relationship and a loss of myself into the pools of shame and humiliation.I think today, this morning, true humbleness sank in and I made an honest effort to make amends..not in anger or with a hidden agenda, just with humility.
I wrote to my estranged friend and truly apologized. I don't no what good it will do him if any, yet I do know a heavy weight lifted off of my soul. I cc'd it to his best friend as witness...that was a scarey thing for me to do yet now I'm glad I did. I took the full responsiblity for my actions and for the collapse of a wonderful relationship. He used to call me his goddess and say he had me on a pedestal. That used to make me laugh but I did plead with him not to put me up there. Well the goddess came crashing down broken and bruised and full of shame and tears.
Four day's ago I dragged myself to a meeting and four days ago the goddess started getting up off her butt from that fall, started brushing away the crap and the shame these past years have brought... and is NOT going to go near any pedestals. This goddess has been in a life threatening war and now has the strength, hope and courage to win it. I have a mighty army behind me if I choose to use it...all the AA's, NA's, CA's whatever A's are out there.
Again, thanks to you angel A's for your wisdom and support. You were there for me that first crucial day and now I am here with you.
In light and love and living to the fullest, free and clean. juls
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
(((( Jul )))))
Day 5 is great ! I find for me livimg in the day works best . You know those steps are in order for a reason, try not to be hard on yourself . I am grateful that the program gives us a way to repair the damage .read the promises , the will always materalize if we work for them ...great job ! Trish
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by greeneyedjul
I have a mighty army behind me if I choose to use it...
Thanks for another inspirational post Juls.
Inspire.
In Spirit.
In Spite of Ourselves.
greeneyedjul
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 86
Whew...6!
I've been thinking... oh oh!
I put myself in an intensive OP program in 1995 because of what drugs and alcohol were doing to me. I had a career as a nurse running two clinics, kiddos at home and was doing percussion for several bands at that time. For many band members, alcohol and drugs were free in the offering. Think they do this cause the pay is so poor (get the band loaded enough and they won't care) (it's a joke) yada yada yada. Anyway, a series of events took place and I made a choice to clean up. With the help of OP, AA , a few sponsers, having a strong spiritual belief and practice, things were bumpy, yet there was everyday, hourly support, a home group and therapy plus the Big Book.
Scene two: The big move away from a small town, my sponser, home group and then........ the program....... four years roll by kinda fun, kinda not, and begins the telltale signs of what drove me into treatment the first time.Hmmmmmmmmm. silly me. Away from my group, drinking again and not doing the program. Dahhhhhhhhhh
Scene three: I've been jotting this down from the day I came on this site shaken, rattled and confused to find the ESH and support of you all and to reconnect. Thank you!
The present....DAY 6 one day at a time. Did I tell you it was getting a bit better? Yes it is. Reconnecting with the groups in the area, going to meetings, writing here, journaling and finding a sponser at last night's meeting that understands women who ride! Whew. In a way it has been tougher, because I understand the freedom that I lost over these past four years yet in a way it has been easier then the first time because I was given and still have the tools to continue on one day at a time. I also have a twenty four hour coin that was given to me by an old friend of Bill W with the advice to put it on my tongue and when it melts, I can drink again. It won't melt...that I know for a fact....
I put myself in an intensive OP program in 1995 because of what drugs and alcohol were doing to me. I had a career as a nurse running two clinics, kiddos at home and was doing percussion for several bands at that time. For many band members, alcohol and drugs were free in the offering. Think they do this cause the pay is so poor (get the band loaded enough and they won't care) (it's a joke) yada yada yada. Anyway, a series of events took place and I made a choice to clean up. With the help of OP, AA , a few sponsers, having a strong spiritual belief and practice, things were bumpy, yet there was everyday, hourly support, a home group and therapy plus the Big Book.
Scene two: The big move away from a small town, my sponser, home group and then........ the program....... four years roll by kinda fun, kinda not, and begins the telltale signs of what drove me into treatment the first time.Hmmmmmmmmm. silly me. Away from my group, drinking again and not doing the program. Dahhhhhhhhhh
Scene three: I've been jotting this down from the day I came on this site shaken, rattled and confused to find the ESH and support of you all and to reconnect. Thank you!
The present....DAY 6 one day at a time. Did I tell you it was getting a bit better? Yes it is. Reconnecting with the groups in the area, going to meetings, writing here, journaling and finding a sponser at last night's meeting that understands women who ride! Whew. In a way it has been tougher, because I understand the freedom that I lost over these past four years yet in a way it has been easier then the first time because I was given and still have the tools to continue on one day at a time. I also have a twenty four hour coin that was given to me by an old friend of Bill W with the advice to put it on my tongue and when it melts, I can drink again. It won't melt...that I know for a fact....
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