SoberComposer

When I was drinking it was a lifestyle for me. Cannabis has never played much of a role as a major theme because I have a very low tolerance and it's hard to safely find. As coincidences occur, I stumbled upon someone from my past the very week that I quit alcohol. I felt reluctant because I wanted to be sober but I had tried to quit drinking over a few hundred times over the last ten years and failed each time. I was at the point that I didn't think I could quit. I felt miserable and like a failure. So, I thought it may help. I was also at the point though that I knew I had to quit alcohol at all costs if I had any chance of happiness so I am sure I could have done it without the weed but I wanted insurance. I never mentioned it here because alcohol was my demon and the goal of seeking support. Now, I feel that I am having all of the urges to drink that I postponed but I know that is not an option for me. I have come to far to turn back now! I also feel like a sober-fraud now but I didn't realize it was a problem until this week.

Truth is though, I just postponed dealing with reality. Boy.. what a reality check. These past few weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster mostly going down so far. I know it will pass but now I am awakening to all these behavioral faults that I have lived with all these years. The need to please and have people like me (most likely from a deep feeling of loneliness going back to childhood). Yesterday, someone asked me to do something that was out of the blue and overstepping boundaries (sort-of) and I kept my boundaries but I then went on to explain nearly every aspect of myself. I realized it immediately, actually while I was doing it, and then said that I shouldn't be saying these things. It just felt vulnerable and like a failure on my part.

There is so much to build. So many things to learn. It feels overwhelming but levels above where I was in the bottle. After quitting all forms of intoxication, how did you cope with these growing pains? How long did it last to get on your feet?

Today, I just feel lost and depressed. I am sitting here listening to old Nancy Wilson albums and trying to plan my day. Just wish I felt better and not used to have no-where to turn. Feeling very alone and wishing that I had someone to be with. I guess I am highly codependent. It was safer to depend on the bottle because people can deceive, or so I thought.. the bottle is a guaranteed deceit. I guess I have to start in trusting myself and going though this completely sober so I can bring this relationship with myself to the next level. I don't want to feel needy or alone.

I would appreciate any advice or support. I posted a little of this in JimJim's thread but that was a bit self-serving of me. I just feel pretty desperate at the moment.

-SoberComposer

melki

I get overwhelmed by this too, so much to learn. When it gets too much, I remind myself that it's a process and we get there one day at the time, focusing on the here and now. We tend to want immediate changes, but it doesn't work that way. I'm a bit awkward socially sometimes and have to consciously stop myself when my mind races or I want to apologize unnecessarily or start over-explaining. But I'm on the way to becoming the best version of myself, and that's exciting! There's no turning back to the hermit cave and dulling uncomfortable emotions. Only onward.

You are not alone. You are in a place where people are here for you, we relate and understand.

PurpleKnight

Sobriety for me created the same kinds of feelings, I felt so lost for some time, didn't know who I was, didn't really like myself, so many unanswered questions over what do I do know? will I ever feel happy again? chaos was a good definition of where my mind was at.

The reality though was we can't rebuild a life overnight, the phrase Rome wasn't built in a night was a mantra I kept telling myself, we only have 24hrs each day and there's only soo many things we can do amongst the rest of life that just continues on in Sobriety.

I needed to slow my mind and take a long term view of everything, the project of Sobriety was going to be a journey, small steps each day, maybe no steps some days, but they would all add up over months or a year to get me to a better place.

Sobriety was the key each day, but I knew I needed to add other things into my life, going out and meeting new people, new activities, things to fill my time with, and at the start it wasn't anything more than going out for a walk each day, talking to people I met out and about, basic things, but as I mentioned small steps compared to what I used to do, which was sit in alone on my sofa drinking each night.

Hang in there!! It will get better, Sobriety is a journey, not something we have to have all figured out over night!!

AcceptingChange

Wow, that's exactly the way i'm feeling too. My drinking was a way to manage my anxiety around others, my desire to want deep friendship with others. I grew up as an only child, and i really envied people with brothers & sisters, other people who love and help them through thick and thin. I wanted that too, but it wasn't happening the way i wanted. Then when i drank, i felt like i was bonding with people and establishing deep friendships. And sometimes it would work for a period of time. But over time the friendships would fade a bit, and i'd then react in different ways, sometimes drinking more to make myself seem more fun. But it would just cause more problems.
So here i am, still unable to feel really comfortable with other people, the same problem i had at 16. The solution of drinking didn't work. Drinking helped alleviate my self-consciousness, but then it just created other problems.

Soberpotamus

SoberComposer, I feel just as you've described sometimes still. I'm about twenty-two months sober now. Things got better, then worse, then better, then worse Lately, I've been depressed but I already know that I get depressed in winter anyway, so it was expected. I'm coming to accept these things about myself. I see that I have some highly valuable strengths that do tend to balance out my weaknesses or eccentricities, and you know what? I no longer feel the need to explain or justify my differences to others, and with that comes liberation. I say... embrace your loneliness and depths of despair right now, and you'll hopefully find your way out of it. Not to say ignore any severe depression, of course. But I think it took me feeling my emotional extremes sober for several months in order to come to grips with my baseline.

Things are in a constant flux of change. Just the way things are. My mom always told me that. She knew I had a tendency to dig in and resist change

SoberComposer

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your understanding and advice.

Melki: Thanks Friend! I'm glad i'm not the only one who this feels overwhelming too. It's interesting how knowing that this is a normal reaction makes it a little more tolerable. Whew.. it feels like someone just ripped a band-aid off my soul.

PurpleKnight: The reference to Rome wasn't built in a day is very helpful and a reminder that I am doing good and may be a little impatient. There are also so many new and really cumulative problems since I was a kid that are now breathing again. It feels overwhelming but it feels good to know that this is a normal experience for a newly sober person.

AcceptingChange: That is pretty much exactly how I am feeling. I didn't realize it until I read your post but these problems are the same exact one that I had as a teenager. It's overwhelming in so many ways, combined with a slew of current issues. I am so glad I quit when I did and will ride this out until I can work on the real issues. Thanks!

SoberJenie: Thanks for your post! I see that I have been cheating life this whole time trying to delete all of the negativity. I appreciate your experience with advanced sobriety. I am not sure what I expected but dealing with life is new to me. I guess it's to be expected that it is overwhelming at times. Maybe when I begin to build a life with people it will be a little easier, not to mention as I work through some of these issues. Thank you!!

Much Love everyone, thanks for your support!

Dee74

I'm really glad you put down the pot SC

For me I grew with every new sober experience - some I handled well, others not so well - but I did better the next time.

I found feelings did hurt yes - but they hurt far less than I had convinced myself they would...

and they got better - I've grown to actually love feeling...even the bad feelings, because sober they never last.

by 3 or 4 months of 'no-net sobriety' I'd rediscovered a strength and resilience in me I'd forgotten I ever had

but...if you have difficulty with this and it's upsetting you, why not see a counsellor in the new year SC?

D

SoberComposer

Thank you Dee! I knew that you also had a problem with pot so it's good to hear from you.

I look forward to actually embracing these emotions and using them to refine me instead of being bum-rushed by them . In the past, I blew my personal defeats off because I had a secret that no-one knew about. My secret power was creating an alcoholic wormhole into an exciting realm of drunkeness, lol, so I just accepted my personality defects as not much of a deal. I thought they made me unique. Like, I must be special because I am so kind and honest... instead of the truth that I was lonely (wanting people to like me) and had no boundries (using everyone around me like a councilor).

It's good to know that it took about 3-4 months of complete sobriety to find resilience. I find it better to have some timeline, understanding we are all different, instead of an unknown date of it getting better. The idea of resilience sounds really wonderful!

I will also consider a councilor, if the difficulty becomes too much, for strategies to help me with boundaries and loving myself but I am feeling much better now after my workout and think this is more normal than anything. After quitting pot, I have had a few tidal-waves that I did not expect at all. I have quit pot before with very little problems, so I didn't expect them and was caught off guard. Now I see that it was having 'no net' to escape during the reality of no alcohol.

Thanks everyone! I very much appreciate your time/experience and great support.
You have been a lighted guide for me in this unexpectedly dim part of my journey.

-SC

Anna

SoberComposer, you are doing great and I'm glad that you posted about this. My drinking lasted about 3 years, but childhood abuse completely stopped my emotional development at a very young age. When I stopped drinking in my mid-forties, I had so much to figure out. I had to look inward and find a purpose for my life, something that I felt passionate about. I had to learn to keep personal boundaries, and as you said, I had to learn when to open up to other people and when to not share too much. All I can say is that it takes time and there will be bumps in the road when you feel like you'll never figure it all out.

Therapy might help, there are lots of great books on spiritual/personal development, and you can always find support and advice here, too.

SoberComposer

Thanks Anna, I appreciate this. I was never accepted as part of the group in school and didn't feel accepted as an adult and alcohol seemed to fix everything. It was a huge surprise to find out that alcohol was a huge problem but also prevented me from dealing with my biggest problem, the one instigating my drinking. It's great to read your experience and how you have/are overcoming it! I am trying to be prepared and next time I find myself repeating old behaviors I will remember this post.

VikingGF

SoberComposer- Thanks for this honest post. I had lots of ups and downs recently, I have not picked up, but I felt less focused, had very hard, sad, lonely days and really doubted why I was trying so hard when I was mostly miserable. I even stopped coming here for a bit because I thought being here was depressing me.

Sometimes the brutal introspection is too much, dealing with feelings that have been there all our lives, the ones we drowned because they were so immense. To all of the sudden be faced with them with barely any tools to deal with them can seriously be overwhelming.

It passed, though, and I wish I could pinpoint exactly why or know if it's going to come back. But, having gotten through the roller coaster once, I can do it again, and like Dee says, each time I succeed I feel stronger, and the feelings really don't seem to last that long.

I guess my advice is to keep going forward and keep coming here. Finding people who have been through the same things is so comforting. Wish I had more for you, but like you, I'm just a few months in.