Maybe some hope.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Maybe some hope.
Well I'm still sober.
I relapsed on Friday night, pretty bad.
My sponsor and I were supposed to meet on Saturday to do my fifth step. I hadn't slept and I was going through you know what so I called her and told her, expecting her not to come over.
She told me to suck it up and she came anyways. We went through my fifth step all weekend, she never really left my side The whole weekend, even though I was a mess. It took 12 hours and I've never done a thorough step 5 like that before.
When we were finished she left me for an hour to think
About the first 5 steps and whether I had left anything out. I had. My deepest darkest most shameful secret that I thought
I would take to the grave.
When she came back I told her the rest. Everything. I held nothing back.
I've been working on my 4th step (moral inventory) for months before that and I'm wondering if it's part of the reason I was relapsing all over the place. It was bringing up a lot of guilt shame remorse and feelings that I desperately wanted to escape from.
But it's done now, and we are moving forward. I'm hoping beyond hope that this is a fresh new start, a clean slate for me.
I know I can't live the way I've been living anymore. It's killing me inside and I can't do it anymore. I want this sober thing more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. And maybe this is the turning point for me.
As far as the steps I now have action ahead of me and I'm ready for all of it. I'll do anything. I have nothing left to lose and everything to gain.
God bless and be well.
I relapsed on Friday night, pretty bad.
My sponsor and I were supposed to meet on Saturday to do my fifth step. I hadn't slept and I was going through you know what so I called her and told her, expecting her not to come over.
She told me to suck it up and she came anyways. We went through my fifth step all weekend, she never really left my side The whole weekend, even though I was a mess. It took 12 hours and I've never done a thorough step 5 like that before.
When we were finished she left me for an hour to think
About the first 5 steps and whether I had left anything out. I had. My deepest darkest most shameful secret that I thought
I would take to the grave.
When she came back I told her the rest. Everything. I held nothing back.
I've been working on my 4th step (moral inventory) for months before that and I'm wondering if it's part of the reason I was relapsing all over the place. It was bringing up a lot of guilt shame remorse and feelings that I desperately wanted to escape from.
But it's done now, and we are moving forward. I'm hoping beyond hope that this is a fresh new start, a clean slate for me.
I know I can't live the way I've been living anymore. It's killing me inside and I can't do it anymore. I want this sober thing more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. And maybe this is the turning point for me.
As far as the steps I now have action ahead of me and I'm ready for all of it. I'll do anything. I have nothing left to lose and everything to gain.
God bless and be well.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i know for me when i did my 5th step it crushed me and its been the closet time i ever had to picking up a drink again
i can remember going around the aa rooms so dam angry at aa for having that step, i thought i would come away from it feeling free as a bird and a new man like some of the others kept on telling me would happen
well it didnt and it crushed me as i left nothing back
like i said i went around the aa rooms telling them all off for being such sick people for having that step
members came around me and told me to give it time and just keep coming back etc i can honestly say now that i am so glad i took that step as it did take time for things to sink in
i made a promise that day that from this day forward i will not repeat my past actions and i will try to just live a good and helpful life
he told me i will then forgive myself and its true all that guilt and shame has gone
so i understand how anyone could go and run off to pick up the drink again after that step but you have done it now and you will never again have to do that steps again ever
unless of course you wasnt honest in the first time but i believe you have been honest about it all hence how badly you feel after it
but honestly in time you will feel better, its all done and dusted now, what has been done had been done and no one can change it
all we can do daily is make sure they never happen again and try to live as good a life as possible without hurting anyone anymore etc
well done for taking it you have a lot of courage it took me 2 years before i did it as i was so scared of that step
i can remember going around the aa rooms so dam angry at aa for having that step, i thought i would come away from it feeling free as a bird and a new man like some of the others kept on telling me would happen
well it didnt and it crushed me as i left nothing back
like i said i went around the aa rooms telling them all off for being such sick people for having that step
members came around me and told me to give it time and just keep coming back etc i can honestly say now that i am so glad i took that step as it did take time for things to sink in
i made a promise that day that from this day forward i will not repeat my past actions and i will try to just live a good and helpful life
he told me i will then forgive myself and its true all that guilt and shame has gone
so i understand how anyone could go and run off to pick up the drink again after that step but you have done it now and you will never again have to do that steps again ever
unless of course you wasnt honest in the first time but i believe you have been honest about it all hence how badly you feel after it
but honestly in time you will feel better, its all done and dusted now, what has been done had been done and no one can change it
all we can do daily is make sure they never happen again and try to live as good a life as possible without hurting anyone anymore etc
well done for taking it you have a lot of courage it took me 2 years before i did it as i was so scared of that step
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
you just did steps 5 and 6, why not proceed into step 7? that is when step 2 came alive for me. not a need to drink since then. I did move forward after that into 8-12.....
(my sponsor doesn't give me more than the night before my 5th step to write my 4th step as stalling on that 4th step is exactly what you've experienced in relapsing....too much muck running around your head --that stuff you carry with you anyway, but writing that 4th step brings it all to a head....)
Keep moving forward!!!!
(my sponsor doesn't give me more than the night before my 5th step to write my 4th step as stalling on that 4th step is exactly what you've experienced in relapsing....too much muck running around your head --that stuff you carry with you anyway, but writing that 4th step brings it all to a head....)
Keep moving forward!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Myrrah, it sounds like you are making some awesome progress! The great thing is that with the relapse, you have thought about it intently, learned something from it, and you're using it to move forward. Keep up the great work!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
My deepest darkest most shameful secret that I thought
I would take to the grave.
When she came back I told her the rest. Everything. I held nothing back.
I would take to the grave.
When she came back I told her the rest. Everything. I held nothing back.
I think this will work out well for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Yaay for you, for really digging out the deeply buried bad...
And yaay to your sponsor, who is doing the real work, who didn't stop the process just because you relapsed, who made you feel safe enough that you added in stuff you hadn't had the courage to include, who stuck by you until the work was done, and who hung out with you all weekend to be sure you had a full and thorough experience!!!
You found a very good sponsor! I'm really happy for you. That is a giant gift in recovery. You can get sober without a sponsor, but it sure makes for a deeper and more cared for/shared experience to work with a great sponsor...
And yaay to your sponsor, who is doing the real work, who didn't stop the process just because you relapsed, who made you feel safe enough that you added in stuff you hadn't had the courage to include, who stuck by you until the work was done, and who hung out with you all weekend to be sure you had a full and thorough experience!!!
You found a very good sponsor! I'm really happy for you. That is a giant gift in recovery. You can get sober without a sponsor, but it sure makes for a deeper and more cared for/shared experience to work with a great sponsor...
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