Back at square one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 884
Back at square one
I drank last night. No excuses. I chose it. I didn't fight it. I don't know why I thought things would be different. It never is. Anyways, back to day 1. I'll deal with the repercussions of what I did, pick myself up and try again. I will formulate a plan by the end of the day. This cannot keep happening.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Bardo
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by Copper442 
I drank last night. No excuses. I chose it. I didn't fight it.
Square one for me is always now, today. I try to let the past all go--to make it really square one.
Best luck, and be well.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Copper442
I don't know why I thought things would be different. It never is.
That acceptance can come in may forms...for some it's publicly admitting it at an AA meeting, getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps. For some it means practicing a technique like AVRT and recognizing your inner Beast. For some it involves detox, rehab and counseling. Some use SR as there form of recovery. But the bottom line is that nothing works until we accept the reality and stop lying to ourselves. I hope you can find a way to do so.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m glad you made it back as too many don’t/can’t.
I’m in 100% agreement with what Scott posted. The big thing this sobriety is not a thing to be wished for and it arrives in a nice bunch of flowers.
It comes with work no matter which program we choose and it’s permanent process but it does become easier with time.
However the fact remains that if we are alcoholic we will always be alcoholic and the ism is ready to attack in a heartbeat at which time our tools must be ready to withstand the attack. The longer we drink the harder it is to stop which results in things we don’t ever want to experience.
BE WELL
I’m glad you made it back as too many don’t/can’t.
I’m in 100% agreement with what Scott posted. The big thing this sobriety is not a thing to be wished for and it arrives in a nice bunch of flowers.
It comes with work no matter which program we choose and it’s permanent process but it does become easier with time.
However the fact remains that if we are alcoholic we will always be alcoholic and the ism is ready to attack in a heartbeat at which time our tools must be ready to withstand the attack. The longer we drink the harder it is to stop which results in things we don’t ever want to experience.
BE WELL
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Copper442
I had such a beautiful clarity moment. I felt life just surge through me. For just a split second I knew without a shadow of a doubt that sobriety was stunning and something to be pursued. I felt unstoppable. Now, I'm hollow. My surroundings and the demands coming from every direction of my life have literally brought me to my knees. I feel like I'm being buried alive. Like there is no air in the room. My anxiety is so bad it hurts to breathe. I can't handle this. I want to scream. I want to cry. All I want is a drink.
. For me, that is why it is VITALLY important that we stay "present" ..and stay sober only in each arriving moment. I found it easy to commit to..I don't drink right NOW..that's it, that's all. We need to get through the intense moments where all we can think of is having a drink. You are an extremely talented writer...pity you haven't shared more of yourself with us..with your writing ..about what you are experiencing before going to grab that drink. It works like magic really. Well, it can... sometimes it has gone so far we don't even want to ... but you are pretty new around here and we would LOVE to get to know you better. This community is amazing..lean into it more.
Unfortunately, sobriety is not as simple as just waking up one day and deciding we are not going to drink anymore...although..that IS the most important step. After that decision, we have to add new things and structures to our lives. Community is a good one..also, what things can you do instead of drinking. What are some ways you can alleviate your anxiety etc? Stay with us friend.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Copper, good to hear that you are formulating a plan.
You sound determined
We all know how tough it is at the start, but it DOES get easier, you just need to tough it out for the first week or so.
You can do this Xx
You sound determined
We all know how tough it is at the start, but it DOES get easier, you just need to tough it out for the first week or so.
You can do this Xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 884
Sorry it has taken me several days to get back on here. Things have been crazy with graduation and family matters. I'm still sober though. Day 5 today. Thank you guys for your support and advice. There is so much good stuff in these posts from you guys.
Scott- you are definitely right about the acceptance factor. I really struggle with that. I think since I'm still relatively young, it just can't be possible for me to be an alcoholic. Obviously there is so much at fault with that line of thinking. I think what is going to help with accepting the fact that I can never drink again is just going to be repetition. I seem to have amnesia of sorts where everyday starts with no memory of the past and I start afresh with alcohol like it's my first time. I need to read posts on SR and see the similarities between my story and of others. I need to constantly keep with me a list of the devastating consequences alcohol has on my life and read it every time my thinking shifts into "I can be a normal drinker".
Nuudawn- I totally need to live in the right now. Staying sober minute by minute. I feel like superwoman half the time and think I don't need to take it so slow. That clearly isn't getting me very far. I also very much need to lean more into SR as the support and encouragement are so readily available. I have consistently struggled with feeling like a burden and that prevents me from reaching out and sharing when I need to. That seems to even be translating over into the virtual realm. Thank you for your compliment on my writing. I'm not sure what to do with this skill now that I'm trying to get sober. Writing was only something I did when drunk or on a vast assortment of drugs. I need to figure out how to use writing positively while sober.
Okay, so I have spent the last four days devising a plan that is tailored custom to my erratic, yet predictable patterns. First and foremost, I must inform my "friends" that I am quitting drinking. They contribute significantly to me questioning the severity of my problem so they gotta go. My house is alcohol-free so I don't have to worry about that. AA needs to be a part of my sobriety. I intend to start with the online meetings and if necessary I will make the drive a few towns over to attend a meeting. SR also will become a big part of my sobriety. I need to increase the amount of time I spend here. I feel safe and accepted here and I believe that to be vitally important. Being active in my church also is important. That has significantly helped me in the past. I have loads of support there. They don't understand alcoholism because many of them have never even drank, but they love me and are always there when I need them. One woman in particular is a counselor and she and I have been close in the past. I need to rekindle that relationship. I also need to plan and regiment my days. Being on holiday before starting the search for an accounting job at the beginning of the year leaves me a lot of free time which could lead to my downfall. I plan to try getting up at the same time each day, be in bed the same time each night, slowly add exercise as I am sill recovering from two highly invasive ankle surgeries. I also was to start playing music again. I've been playing instruments and been in bands of all types since I was 11. I even studied music for 2 years in college until my drinking got the best of me. Music used to be a big part of who I was and I really want to rediscover that part of me. I also want to get involved with helping out my community. I'm not sure how or what I will do but I plan to explore numerous options until I find something.
Even though I haven't been sober very long I have a deep passion to help others even just by providing a kind word. I would like to spend more time encouraging people here on SR. I think that would help me as well. I also plan to fill my days delving into my writing. Hopefully it won't turn into a trigger for me. I used to be one of those tortured artist types which is ridiculous I know but that could be a potential threat for me.
I also thought about what steps I need to take when I'm wrought with various emotional triggers. Anger for me requires blowing off steam and walking is a productive way for me to do that. Anxiety is a bit trickier but posting here will help along with taking a drive or just being outside.
Well, that's all I've got so far. Thanks again guys for all your input and support. You guys make me feel good about myself. I appreciate you all so much!
Scott- you are definitely right about the acceptance factor. I really struggle with that. I think since I'm still relatively young, it just can't be possible for me to be an alcoholic. Obviously there is so much at fault with that line of thinking. I think what is going to help with accepting the fact that I can never drink again is just going to be repetition. I seem to have amnesia of sorts where everyday starts with no memory of the past and I start afresh with alcohol like it's my first time. I need to read posts on SR and see the similarities between my story and of others. I need to constantly keep with me a list of the devastating consequences alcohol has on my life and read it every time my thinking shifts into "I can be a normal drinker".
Nuudawn- I totally need to live in the right now. Staying sober minute by minute. I feel like superwoman half the time and think I don't need to take it so slow. That clearly isn't getting me very far. I also very much need to lean more into SR as the support and encouragement are so readily available. I have consistently struggled with feeling like a burden and that prevents me from reaching out and sharing when I need to. That seems to even be translating over into the virtual realm. Thank you for your compliment on my writing. I'm not sure what to do with this skill now that I'm trying to get sober. Writing was only something I did when drunk or on a vast assortment of drugs. I need to figure out how to use writing positively while sober.
Okay, so I have spent the last four days devising a plan that is tailored custom to my erratic, yet predictable patterns. First and foremost, I must inform my "friends" that I am quitting drinking. They contribute significantly to me questioning the severity of my problem so they gotta go. My house is alcohol-free so I don't have to worry about that. AA needs to be a part of my sobriety. I intend to start with the online meetings and if necessary I will make the drive a few towns over to attend a meeting. SR also will become a big part of my sobriety. I need to increase the amount of time I spend here. I feel safe and accepted here and I believe that to be vitally important. Being active in my church also is important. That has significantly helped me in the past. I have loads of support there. They don't understand alcoholism because many of them have never even drank, but they love me and are always there when I need them. One woman in particular is a counselor and she and I have been close in the past. I need to rekindle that relationship. I also need to plan and regiment my days. Being on holiday before starting the search for an accounting job at the beginning of the year leaves me a lot of free time which could lead to my downfall. I plan to try getting up at the same time each day, be in bed the same time each night, slowly add exercise as I am sill recovering from two highly invasive ankle surgeries. I also was to start playing music again. I've been playing instruments and been in bands of all types since I was 11. I even studied music for 2 years in college until my drinking got the best of me. Music used to be a big part of who I was and I really want to rediscover that part of me. I also want to get involved with helping out my community. I'm not sure how or what I will do but I plan to explore numerous options until I find something.
Even though I haven't been sober very long I have a deep passion to help others even just by providing a kind word. I would like to spend more time encouraging people here on SR. I think that would help me as well. I also plan to fill my days delving into my writing. Hopefully it won't turn into a trigger for me. I used to be one of those tortured artist types which is ridiculous I know but that could be a potential threat for me.
I also thought about what steps I need to take when I'm wrought with various emotional triggers. Anger for me requires blowing off steam and walking is a productive way for me to do that. Anxiety is a bit trickier but posting here will help along with taking a drive or just being outside.
Well, that's all I've got so far. Thanks again guys for all your input and support. You guys make me feel good about myself. I appreciate you all so much!
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