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Which way is up

Old 12-13-2014, 09:13 AM
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Which way is up

Having a few issues. It seems every time I get sober problems arise with my wife. We've always been big drinkers but I'm the one with the problem. The problem is that I don't enjoy hangovers and feeling like my life is slipping away. Anyways she works in the "industry" and claims drinking is part of her job. But it doesn't involve morning beers or drinking all day. And she complains about the bloat and weight gain. I complain that we live in squalor and never seem to get doing anything.

I was gone on a trip most of summer and she has been taking care of our cat who is doing poorly with cancer all in his head. Tough situation. Especially since she doesn't drive. Never learned because she doesn't trust herself to not drive drunk. Wife is constantly exhausted and irritable and has been throwing divorce words around since I returned. I was drinking when I got back and progressed worse on return so gave it up. Then we'd fight so I'd start again. I know it doesn't help but somehow we get along when we are both drinking. I've been sober 8 days now and last night same crap outta nowhere (typical guy right) talk how I don't communicate my feelings or something. Thing is she's so emotional that it does cool me out where I kinda turn off my emotions. She talks like she attacks me and I hide. It's just bad communication. She wants someone to have deep meaningful talks with all the time and I want to be left alone. We both know this.
We love each other but it may not be working out. I just don't want to drink anymore. I want to give myself the chance to climb out of the hole. I don't feel like drinking but I don't feel like dancing. I'm tired with headaches every once in a while and trying to get through to sober for life.

Guess I don't really have a question. Just need to get it out. My friends are far and few and don't like to make hanging out a session on wife talk. Divorce seems like such a drastic crazy thing. But maybe.
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Old 12-13-2014, 09:18 AM
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Tough break. Staying married can't mean staying drunk though. The equation is broke!
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Old 12-13-2014, 09:20 AM
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Not trying to make light of this, but, we only live once....is this how you want to live it? Doesn't sound like a good life journey to me. Nothing changes unless something changes....drastic or not. All the best.
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Old 12-13-2014, 09:23 AM
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BigShoe...this might sound extreme, but I had to move out of my home when i decided to put my sobriety first. My partner is an alcoholic and staying there, in that environment, with all it brings is toxic and deadly to my sobriety. It's been hard...believe me...but I'm still sober. For me, my sobriety has become my number one goal. Without it, I have nothing.
This situation isn't helping your sobriety.
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Old 12-13-2014, 09:26 AM
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If you still love each other, it seems tragic, BigShoe, to give up on that love without a fair fight. Have you considered couple's counseling?

Continuing to drink comes with its own share of tragedy, also. Whatever you do, I hope you don't give up on sobriety. It will be so much easier to assess, cope with and act upon the realities within your marriage with a sober mind and heart.
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:08 AM
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Sick and tired of being sick and tired........that was me and others. Sounds like maybe you're there??!!

When I finally sobered up I could start to clearly look at my relationships - especially with my wife, through a sober lens. Man, did she have problems......

The outcome is irrelevant here. The point is simply until I had some sobriety under my belt, nothing made sense. Simply jumping from thought to thought and decision to decision like the frog of Calaveras County.......and I always knee deep, knee deep in bad judgment!

Work on you and then the US part, perhaps
sorry bout the kitty......
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:17 AM
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I understand this, believe me My husband and I have struggled since I got sober.

If I could say one thing only to you it would be this - don't make any big changes until you have a year under your belt (within reason, of course). Our perspectives can change drastically in a year.

Assuming there's no domestic violence or abuse going on, please reconsider making rash decisions, or any huge changes right away. Some things begin to unravel and work themselves out. Some things don't. Either way, you need time to gain a bigger picture sort of outlook.
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:20 AM
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So, communicate. You've got to communicate with yourself and with her. Decide on a course of action. Initiate and persevere.

The advice about not making big changes is dead on. It will take a while for your mind to clear. During that time you have to stick to one thing:

"I don't drink."
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Old 12-13-2014, 11:00 AM
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Ugh, that's a confusing situation. But you can make a choice, and stay solid in that choice. Let's take a look at this a year from now. If you can say in 12 months "We were both drinking a lot, and i knew i couldn't do that anymore. So i stopped drinking. My spouse seemed to get uncomfortable with my choice, and would drink and pester me about "not opening up about my feelings". I tried to work it out, but it was very very difficult."

In that situation, you made choices you can control, which is maintaining your health and ending your addiction to alcohol. No one is going to blame you for your healthy choice. How she reacts to that is a reflection on her.
Your wife wants you to continue a behavior that makes you sick and despondent. This isn't an option for you. Lead the way with your strong choice, and know that at this point in your life (Dec 2014) it's the only healthy choice available to you. If after you explain your choice to her and that still causes anger and resentment in her, then you'll have to talk that out. But don't let your AV tell you "I'd quit, but i can't because it will bother someone important in my life." This is just rationalizing your addiction. Don't be bullied into staying addicted. And anyway, if you don't quit, she may just blame you in the future for encouraging and enabling her addiction. You have a voice too, so if she presents one perspective in the debate, you can present another.
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