MidnightBlue

Hi, Newcomers and my old SR friends.

I am sober 2 years and almost 2 months.

At the moment I feel so lost. The "most lost" in a long time.

I know what triggered that feeling of being lost.

Recently I got into very crazy relationships which didn't last long, but shook my world in some way.

I've realized more than ever that all my life was previously built on "pretending to be", lies, being a fake.

All my life I've been doing only what I thought people would expect from me. What would be secure and approved.

What would bring me benefit of the kind.

And now I've ended up not knowing who I am.

What do I really like?

When I go to watch a movie, exhibition, concert, whatever I mostly do not enjoy it.

I struggle so much to really enjoy, to be lost in the moment. I am always disturbed and distracted my different kinds of thoughts: what would I tell people (my friends, colleagues, sport buddies, etc.) about what I've seen (in other words - how would I impress them?). Would it add up to my "good image". Would it be a "right" thing to see, to listen to, to buy?

Was it worth spending money for this? Was this good "investment" to pay off in the future in some way or another?

I've been "watching" myself close recently and noticed that It's become almost automatic habit.

I am trying to let go. To stop impressing people. But I am so "addicted" to this that I feel so lost.

I am addicted to be approved by people. To impressing them. To getting attention in this way. It's some perverted kind of love I am seeking.

I am still hiding myself thoroughly because I am absolutely sure that if anyone ever knows "the real me" - this anyone will never love me. That once all the "veils" are taken off me - than I will be an outcast forever. Sent to some island for "hardcore fakes".

When people say to me that they like me, or compliment me on something, I never totally believe them.

I either suspect they need something from me, or (shame on me to say that, i know) they are not good enough themselves if they find me a good person.

I automatically behave like a fake, and hate people who like me when I am a fake. I want to cry out "But you don't like ME. You like the person who behaves the way you like!". It's a vicious circle.

But I am so so so deadly scared to "come out of a shell".

I am currently out of a job. And I need to find a job ASAP. But I feel lost again. Because I hated all my previous jobs. My last job was ok, well-paid, and, I think, most of all it "sounded" so respectfully. Yeah, it was a great job to impress people.

Now I am so afraid I will end up again with a job I hate, but which will be quite "decent and secure". The job I will keep only to "look and sound" normal. So, when I meet a new people I will feel "comfortable" when asked "What you are doing for living?".

Going back to the trigger. What attracted me in those relationships was that, at least, for some short moments, I felt like myself. I let some of my "sleeping or never even being awaken" sides to open up and claim their right to be real. I don't remember I ever felt that ALIVE.

Now I am back to my regular life. And feel lethargic again.

I want to run away somewhere far and far away. Where there's no past, age, or CV.

I want to go there and say "Hi. I am MB. And... I don't know who I am".

Thank you all for listening to my rant.

My best wishes to all!

P.S. I still never considered a drink as an option to ease my current tension. I know it will be thousand times worse. And, being sober gave me a great gift of living all my emotions in the fullest. And it's great.

strategery

Midnightblue, thank you so much for your beautiful post.
I was very similar to you in terms of always trying to impress people and doing what other people wanted. You need to figure out what you enjoy doing and stop thinking about other people. However, sometimes its a process to figure what we truly enjoy doing. I am still working on that myself with being sober.

doggonecarl

I think the journey of becoming the best person we can be often entails being lost occasionally.

And then finding ourselves.

Foolsgold186

Thanks for this post midnightblue.

This is exactly how I feel at times and you worded it to brilliantly. I'm really trying to work on myself but It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I'm so untrusting of people I want to let it all go and just live and be happy without doubt but It's a work in progress. It's identified so I think it could be solved.

Trust in yourself your worth. I need to tell myself the same.

L x

Alwyshope12

thank you for the post MidnightBlue. i am really feeling some of the same things right now, and it is helpful for me to see that others have the same issues in their life.

i have been taking classes on changing your thoughts and changing your mind to retrain how you think about life and what makes you happy. It seems like how I talk to myself and how much I let myself appreciate the little things in life help me to see that there is hope in the world and that we can overcome the difficulties in life.

I wish it was easier, but I need to continue to search to find that happiness and know that tomorrow can bring something great it I let myself open to it and allow myself to manifest positive thoughts and feelings.

Don't be judgmental on yourself that you feel lost, we all need to be kind and caring to ourselves to allow ourselves time to grow into the person we can become.

autan

What a fantastic post !

You do not sound lost at all, it sounds like you know exactly who you are and what you do and do not like.

I think you need to try a little of everything at this stage to see if you like it or not. You have been given a fresh start by yourself and so its not really all that surprising that your a different person to the old person and the old ways.

Take some time to find out what you like, try new things, make new friends and if needed drop the wrong friends.

In either way you choose, its sounds like your a remarkable person and you will get a job no problem about that.

Well done

Mrrryah1

Through pain comes strength.

The first step in changing a behaviour is always recognition.

I honestly think you're on your way.

Aellyce

Hey MB,

I agree with autan, you don't sound lost at all, quite the opposite: you seem very self-aware and realized all this quickly. Maybe it's just a kind of crisis / turning point in your life where you feel the need acutely to shift your values and your self-image since the old stuff is not working as well as it used to. It sounds like a bit of existential angst -- I've been there quite a few times! To me, it's a sign of personal development.

I can write to you quite extensively about this topic if you want -- figuring out who I am / what I like is something I've always been naturally good at and am very interested in also for others. I help my students with things like this all the time, except that what we do with them mostly tends to concern their professional talents, development and setting goals to reach that potential. I can get back to you later at the weekend, unfortunately now I have a ton of work to finish.

In the meantime, don't panic, it's really a good thing that you feel this way right now in terms of your future, I think

GracieLou

(((MB))) It sounds like you are going through a rough patch for sure

I am sure there are things you like, for you, but you are associating them with a person, place or time in your life and it makes them appear false.

For me, finding myself was hard. It was like everything I did I felt I did for the approval of someone other than me and so it felt I never really knew me.

I had to drift back to my childhood to find some of my own likes. I liked to read and when I read, I read just for me, no one else, just me. I picked up two books in the last month. My BF said “picking up a new like?” and I smiled and said no, an old one.

Some can be very simple things but that is where I started. I liked to color as a kid and have been thinking about grabbing some coloring books and crayons, I am not kidding. I can pick out what I want and I can color what I want and it can be just for me.

Puzzles too. I loved doing puzzles but as an adult, I have none. I loved board games but as an adult, I have none.

Sounds childish but sometimes we literally have to start from scratch, we have to go back and discover who we are and what we like. I think doing these sort of things remind us of what brought us alive and what we loved but have forgotten about. Try walking through the toy department now and then

Many things I liked but I didn’t think I did because I felt I only liked that because so and so liked that and I come to find that is not always true. Like action films. I love action films but stayed away from them for years because “he” liked them. Now I can watch and enjoy them all on my own. I don't associate them with anyone anymore. I just like them for me.

Sometimes it is as simple as discovering a like that you forgotten you had to push that memory in the right direction.

The little things that you can discover about you can help you feel less fake. You can find out for real if you like or dislike something.

Soberpotamus

MB, you sound like you're actually in a very good place, though it's painful and uncomfortable at the moment. You are at least very self-aware! Sounds like you're in a stage of growth

May you find peace *hugs*

Fishinainteasy

Hey mb. I'm kind of a newb here but if you don't mind me asking. Where is your HP in your life? It's helped me greatly when I've been lost.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, friends!

So many awesome responses.

And incredible support.

I've just back from my boxing class.

And we have upcoming competition, and my trainer asked me if i'd want to compete. And guess what: I keep asking myself - do I really want it or just want to impress others.

But, I think I really want it.

Nuudawn

Nothing like a new relationship to assist you in coming face to face with...yourself. When we risk intimacy...well....suddenly a big ole spotlight gets shone on our life. Wow...do we want to let someone ..really..in? Is our house clean? For me, I know that can be very scary stuff.

When I opened my own business, I came face to face with the realization that perhaps everything I do is for the approval of ..someone else. I am pretty much a "workoholic" ..for someone else. I have knocked myself OUT working for others ...putting in the hours of someone who had their own business..so why not?

Ya...I don't work that hard for my own approval. And unfortunately, I am not overly competitive. I get no high...from bettering the next guy/gal. Sad but true. That was a real eye opener for sure.

In my last new relationship..well, the first bit was glorious because I got all caught up in "how amazing" he THOUGHT I was...
When that connection was severed...
It was like I stopped getting oxygen..
Suddenly I was some sort of wildcat trying to protect the fresh game I had just secured..
It got ugly...

I too have had some real problems with 'my head" of late..and I feel blessed to have gotten some great advice..
The less I identify with my "identity"..my ego structure...the less suffering I will endure.

Last night...I was having some issue at work and suddenly I brought myself out of thinking "how I was coming off" ..and thought of the other person involved...
They too are just another soul in this universe...looking for love and acceptance and connection...

We are all one...
Identifying with my ego can give me some sort of "substance like euphoria" when stroked..or bring me to my knees when dismissed or disconnected.
Neither is good....

tomsteve

Het mb, yer post brings. Ack memories of some of what I used to be like. Living a big lie. Doing what I cold to get people to like me. Getting into very unmoral relationships when deep down inside I knew all those actions werent right.
What I found out is I was an egomaniac with low self esteem. I wanted people to like me because I didn't like (or love) myself. I got into unmoral relationship due to personal insecurity. Living a lie boosted my pride and ego( pride is how I view myself and ego is how others view me). The delusional thinkning that it helped me feel better about myself, which at times it did, but only twmporarily.
What I did was to first not want to be that way, want to love myself. It took quite.a bit of work- work which was guided by the program of AA.
It has enabled me to Get honest with who I was,what made me tick, and what to do with the character defects and shortcomings.
Today I can look at myself in the mirror and love who I'm looking.

Soberwolf

Hi Mb thank you for making this thread

Dee74

(((MB)))

I felt lost too - I had no idea who I was - I'd spent decades being validated (or not) by others opinions of me, and being whoever I thought other people wanted me to be.

I think we need to start from that place of lostness and not knowing in order to find ourselves.

I was terrified at first - what if I hate the real me...but that never happened...it was just more negative self-talk.

I can't tell you how to find yourself, but for me a little counselling helped, but not as much as service work - helping others got me out of my head for a while and helped me work out who I was.

You have a ton of friends here who want to help - so let them

You'll be ok

D

Gilmer

You can "let it all hang out" with us, MB! We love to hear your unvarnished thoughts and feelings, and we are here to offer real support!

Anna

I understand your concerns and realized the same things about myself when I stopped drinking. I had been a fake most of my life and I had no idea who I was.

Mia Farrow's memoir is "What Falls Away", which I always thought was an intriguing title. And, when I hit bottom, it was what I experienced. Everything fell away and I was left with my soul. I had to rebuild, and I did, slowly but surely. You can do this. Look inward and be true to yourself and let go of your preconceptions.

MidnightBlue

Thank you all, again!

I think I'll try baby steps here - it worked for me in sobriety.

I will try to tell one little thing that I really FEEL every day.

Like that I am really scared to go for this boxing competition. And I don't know what I am more scared of - that I can be hurt, or that I that it seems unbearable if I lose.

But that's what I feel.

Dee74

I think no matter what the sport is, if it's competitive everyone has to risk being beaten - almost all the greats of boxing were beaten at one time or another.

If that's something that you don't want to face, and you just enjoy boxing, then I think it's fine just to spar....

but it's really up to you and what you want

D