I feel so lost!
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Little update.
I still feel...."lost in progress"))
But today my trainer did sparring with me and said "I think you are ready to compete". Ok, then. Once I made this decision I've had a feeling I made the right one.
Competition is in two weeks. I am going to just focus on getting ready, and enjoy.
See you all)
Little update.
I still feel...."lost in progress"))
But today my trainer did sparring with me and said "I think you are ready to compete". Ok, then. Once I made this decision I've had a feeling I made the right one.
Competition is in two weeks. I am going to just focus on getting ready, and enjoy.
See you all)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,445
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue 
And a little bit to add.
You may have noticed I've changed my avatar.
That's part of Real Me)
You may have noticed I've changed my avatar.
That's part of Real Me)
And I know you thought I was just being complimentary when I told you how beautiful you are. The thing is, even if you don't know quite who you are yet, I know you are beautiful inside and out.
The search for ourselves is a precious journey.
None of us know exactly where the bends in the road will take us.
What I believe, is that if we search from a place of truth, our souls' needs will be revealed.
I believe that someday soon you will look at the photo of yourself and smile, and know that you are becoming someone that you can love. Someone that you are proud of.
Venus xx
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Wow, it's' been almost a year since I wrote this post.
I added one more year under belt of my sobriety.
I found a job which I love (but though feel like a fraud and that I don't deserve it.). For the first time in my life I have the job I don't hate - and more than that.
I don't feel THAT lost as a year ago, but still lost. Still like I don't know who I am.
Recently I "stumbled" upon a book "Toxic Parents. Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming my life". I've read only, maybe, 1/5 of the book by far, but it's such a breath of fresh air. Though I've done a lot of therapy and self-digging to heal myself from the hell I went through in my family, there are still wounds that hurt. And sometimes a nasty thought of hopelessness flickers once in a while "Maybe, I will never overcome this". Something was missing.
I will. Overcome. And reclaim my life to every bit of it.
One of the "faces of toxicity" in my family was that my mother made me lie to other people to "keep good facade" in front of rotten house. It was kind of "protection". I became severely codependent with misery and lies.
Sometimes I trace back my life and it's amazingly hard to tell where is a "cover story" and where's the facts.
Today a bold thought came to me - well, if I don't know who I am, maybe, there is something goon in it. I can start fresh. Carte blanche. Take a huge snow-white canvas and put the first piece of puzzle of the person I FEEL like being.
It's scary - like losing gravity - it means I have to turn of "I need to do a safe thing that is universally approved and check all the opinions and keep my cover ducks in the row'.
But I believe it's better than trying to belong everywhere and still belong nowhere.
So, what's my first piece of puzzle? I don't know... yet.
Thank you all for reading.
Have a good day.
Wow, it's' been almost a year since I wrote this post.
I added one more year under belt of my sobriety.
I found a job which I love (but though feel like a fraud and that I don't deserve it.). For the first time in my life I have the job I don't hate - and more than that.
I don't feel THAT lost as a year ago, but still lost. Still like I don't know who I am.
Recently I "stumbled" upon a book "Toxic Parents. Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming my life". I've read only, maybe, 1/5 of the book by far, but it's such a breath of fresh air. Though I've done a lot of therapy and self-digging to heal myself from the hell I went through in my family, there are still wounds that hurt. And sometimes a nasty thought of hopelessness flickers once in a while "Maybe, I will never overcome this". Something was missing.
I will. Overcome. And reclaim my life to every bit of it.
One of the "faces of toxicity" in my family was that my mother made me lie to other people to "keep good facade" in front of rotten house. It was kind of "protection". I became severely codependent with misery and lies.
Sometimes I trace back my life and it's amazingly hard to tell where is a "cover story" and where's the facts.
Today a bold thought came to me - well, if I don't know who I am, maybe, there is something goon in it. I can start fresh. Carte blanche. Take a huge snow-white canvas and put the first piece of puzzle of the person I FEEL like being.
It's scary - like losing gravity - it means I have to turn of "I need to do a safe thing that is universally approved and check all the opinions and keep my cover ducks in the row'.
But I believe it's better than trying to belong everywhere and still belong nowhere.
So, what's my first piece of puzzle? I don't know... yet.
Thank you all for reading.
Have a good day.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Today a bold thought came to me - well, if I don't know who I am, maybe, there is something goon in it. I can start fresh. Carte blanche. Take a huge snow-white canvas and put the first piece of puzzle of the person I FEEL like being.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
MidnightBlue, 2 years 2 months sober is just so FANTASTIC, congratulations. Goin on 6 years now and unfortunately the expectation of, "instant satisfaction", still dominates me although I have improved. I personally haven't done as good a job as I should to fill in the time it took to be an alcoholic. I'm learning to expect that everyone minute of the day isn't necessarily gonna be a good one and enjoy the day anyway, rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
It's great that you are making the changes to live a real and fullfilling life, and allow yourself to discover just who you really are. Some people go their entire lives not even realizing that their source of discontent comes from within that person they don't even know: themselves
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Hi, all)
I don't feel THAT lost as a year ago, but still lost. Still like I don't know who I am.
Recently I "stumbled" upon a book "Toxic Parents. Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming my life". I've read only, maybe, 1/5 of the book by far, but it's such a breath of fresh air. Though I've done a lot of therapy and self-digging to heal myself from the hell I went through in my family, there are still wounds that hurt. And sometimes a nasty thought of hopelessness flickers once in a while "Maybe, I will never overcome this". Something was missing.
I will. Overcome. And reclaim my life to every bit of it.
One of the "faces of toxicity" in my family was that my mother made me lie to other people to "keep good facade" in front of rotten house. It was kind of "protection". I became severely codependent with misery and lies.
Sometimes I trace back my life and it's amazingly hard to tell where is a "cover story" and where's the facts.
Today a bold thought came to me - well, if I don't know who I am, maybe, there is something goon in it. I can start fresh. Carte blanche. Take a huge snow-white canvas and put the first piece of puzzle of the person I FEEL like being.
It's scary - like losing gravity - it means I have to turn of "I need to do a safe thing that is universally approved and check all the opinions and keep my cover ducks in the row'.
I don't feel THAT lost as a year ago, but still lost. Still like I don't know who I am.
Recently I "stumbled" upon a book "Toxic Parents. Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming my life". I've read only, maybe, 1/5 of the book by far, but it's such a breath of fresh air. Though I've done a lot of therapy and self-digging to heal myself from the hell I went through in my family, there are still wounds that hurt. And sometimes a nasty thought of hopelessness flickers once in a while "Maybe, I will never overcome this". Something was missing.
I will. Overcome. And reclaim my life to every bit of it.
One of the "faces of toxicity" in my family was that my mother made me lie to other people to "keep good facade" in front of rotten house. It was kind of "protection". I became severely codependent with misery and lies.
Sometimes I trace back my life and it's amazingly hard to tell where is a "cover story" and where's the facts.
Today a bold thought came to me - well, if I don't know who I am, maybe, there is something goon in it. I can start fresh. Carte blanche. Take a huge snow-white canvas and put the first piece of puzzle of the person I FEEL like being.
It's scary - like losing gravity - it means I have to turn of "I need to do a safe thing that is universally approved and check all the opinions and keep my cover ducks in the row'.
My heart just stopped and I thought I was going to throw up.
I don't know if you believe in God, but your bumping this post today, has saved me.
As I read your initial post I was nodding my head and fighting back tears because I relate completely. I could put a check mark by every sentence....because I feel your pain.
But when I almost lost it was when you mentioned Toxic Parents book, because I was about to type to you about the difference it's recently made in my life. I didn't realize how much responsibility my parents put on me.....I was a little adult by around 4 years old, caring for my mom's emotions.
For myself, the book, and 3 years of therapy, opened my eyes.
I've been living 30+ years seeking approval and love and never feeling worthy.
I'm working on this with a therapist. I'm struggling with identity and EXTREME cravings for love but inability to allow people in.
I want to send you prayers if you don't mind. And a big, warm cyber HUG.
(((((MB)))))
You are already worthy of love and do not have to earn it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
I don't believe I said it well enough.
THANK YOU
For describing this experience so well. I could not put it into words and have not seen it described in a way I can identify with.
Have you ever considered joining a codependency support group? I keep thinking it could help those of us with childhood trauma.
Also, maybe take a look at my thread entitled "does anyone have dysfunctional parents"....our friends on here offered some meaningful insights....so grateful to you and them.
Thank you so much. 💓💓💓💓
THANK YOU
For describing this experience so well. I could not put it into words and have not seen it described in a way I can identify with.
Have you ever considered joining a codependency support group? I keep thinking it could help those of us with childhood trauma.
Also, maybe take a look at my thread entitled "does anyone have dysfunctional parents"....our friends on here offered some meaningful insights....so grateful to you and them.
Thank you so much. 💓💓💓💓
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,632
Wow, I can't believe that a year has passed.
It sounds like you've made great progress -finding a job that you like requires, well getting to know yourself and what you like Something sounds like it's working...
Carte Blanche - want a nice attitude as the new year approaches. Let us know how it fits you
It sounds like you've made great progress -finding a job that you like requires, well getting to know yourself and what you like
Something sounds like it's working...Carte Blanche - want a nice attitude as the new year approaches. Let us know how it fits you
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all.
Thank you so much, Sportsfan, for you post. It just brought tears to my eyes. Aam at work now, checking from my phone. I will check youru thread once I get home and get proper access to internet.
SereneEdition - Thank you for stopping by. Yes, its been a year - time flies. But I gell like I am finally aware of the direction of my flight.
Love you all.
See you later.
Thank you so much, Sportsfan, for you post. It just brought tears to my eyes. Aam at work now, checking from my phone. I will check youru thread once I get home and get proper access to internet.
SereneEdition - Thank you for stopping by. Yes, its been a year - time flies. But I gell like I am finally aware of the direction of my flight.
Love you all.
See you later.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Lovely thread MB, I can literally feel you growing in confidence from here. I competed in kickboxing for more than a decade back in the day and I can tell you there are fewer better ways to find out who you are than preparing for a competitive fight/match. Stick within your boundaries and maybe now is not the right time but I recon 95% of the people who have taken the plunge would say it is one of the most rewarding and liberating things they have even done. Really, you will see, its not about winning or losing at the end of the day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Hi, all.
Thank you so much, Sportsfan, for you post. It just brought tears to my eyes. Aam at work now, checking from my phone. I will check youru thread once I get home and get proper access to internet.
SereneEdition - Thank you for stopping by. Yes, its been a year - time flies. But I gell like I am finally aware of the direction of my flight.
Love you all.
See you later.
Thank you so much, Sportsfan, for you post. It just brought tears to my eyes. Aam at work now, checking from my phone. I will check youru thread once I get home and get proper access to internet.
SereneEdition - Thank you for stopping by. Yes, its been a year - time flies. But I gell like I am finally aware of the direction of my flight.
Love you all.
See you later.
Here's to another day to find ourselves, moment by moment!
Something my therapist has had me work on that is a an incredibly accurate guide: "checking in" with my body. Oftentimes we learn to suppress emotions, fake it basically, to the point that cannot access our emotions and even know what we feel.
She trained me to ask "where do I feel this emotion in my body? As the emotion is happening. My "tell" is my stomach....it feels like it spasms, or feels queasy, for a 1/2 second. It's my alarm to notify me that I need to step back and ask myself "what am I feeling?"
I've noticed my body is such a gift because it is still reacting to what the REAL ME wants/needs. It hasn't been completely brainwashed and rewired by my upbringing.
I love this example: if someone infringes on my boundaries by:
--saying something painful
--standing too close or unwanted touching
--asking me to do something that I want to say no.....even something simple
My alarm in my stomach goes off....it kinda spasms. I used to suppress it. Now I "honor and respect self" as the therapist says. I step back and ask what the real me feels and needs right now.
You know what is so amazing?
When we allow ourselves to feel the "bad", we will also open ourselves up to feel the "good"....true joy, happiness, love....
Another "tell" is I get chill bumps every day now.....I've figured out its when I'm talking about something I love or that inspires me and I feel FULLY ALIVE.
Our bodies give us cues to the real self. I hope this is helpful to someone who is prone to repression....it's changed my life!
💓💓💓🌞🌞🌞
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
....oops I forgot....
The goose bumps or chill bumps also happen when someone else is talking about something that evokes positive emotion in me.....something sentimental/loving or inspiring.....it could be something professionally inspiring or a hallmark commercial or a someone talking about something special in their life.
You might look for physical sensations that are connected to emotions for you. It's such a helpful guide for me.
The goose bumps or chill bumps also happen when someone else is talking about something that evokes positive emotion in me.....something sentimental/loving or inspiring.....it could be something professionally inspiring or a hallmark commercial or a someone talking about something special in their life.
You might look for physical sensations that are connected to emotions for you. It's such a helpful guide for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
