DisplacedGRITS

So i'm posting here because i'm just awfully tired of living my usual lie. I'm not in terribly shape but i'm bad enough that i'm tired and afraid. I keep making it longer and longer between drunks but i have yet to make that elusive year. Isolation and self reliance do me in every time. I'm still in AA. Lawd know i have friends for years! I can contact a dozen people at a swipe of my finger yet making that call is the hardest thing to do. I'm lying to everyone right now. I don't want anyone to know that i drank tonight. Why? I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm brining a turkey right now. To serve a delicious bird at the 35th anniversary of my group's founding today. What the **** do i do?? My grandfather died rather suddenly this month and i'm stuck over 2000 miles away just giving verbal support. It was my Mom's dad and she lost her only sibling to suicide earlier this year. I feel about as useful as **** on a bull right now. Look, my life is good. Damn good, and yet i find my emotions bogged down by fears and sadness thousands of miles away. I guess i'd be just as screwed up if i was right there. I'm just...i dunno...sad. i want to crawl into a hole and just die for a few days. That being said, most of my happiness comes from being involved with my other sober alcoholics. I see my path diverging....i think i have to choose involvement and friendship if i want to live, even if it isn't easy.

So, i'd like to pose a stupid question to anyone who's been an AA sponsor......so i guess i gotta come clean to my sponsor. Is there any easy way to do this? Do i just say that i've done screwed up and kept screwing despite best intentions until now? I can't say that i've quit drinking but i can say that if i'm speakin' i ain't drinkin'.

trachemys

Sorry for your loss. When we don't have new coping strategies in place, we fall back on the old ones. BTDT. Don't beat yourself up about it. Stop drinking, be honest with your sponsor, get on with a new life. Progress, not perfection.

FreeOwl

Own up.

Then get to WORK.

You say you're 'in AA' - what does that mean for you?

Have you been actively working sobriety? Apart from going to meetings.... What actions are you taking to depend your foundation?

Start with honesty - the critical principle we must practice in all our affairs.

Clear your conscience of this one. Own up to your sponsor and to your group. Dig in and do a real step one.

You want to change this??? Then get changing.

sprout50

I am not in AA but isn't that what a sponsor is for? Pretending to be sober isn't what AA is for. It is for helping you get and stay sober. Tell your sponsor so you can get the help you need. As for how to say it, just do it. I am sure your sponsor has seen and heard it all and probably has done it all as well.

Flawed

From a current GRITS who has had this conversation with her sponsor a few times...just tell them and be honest. I, too, had a bunch of numbers and never reached out before a slip. The hard part is all the thinking in your head before you tell them, the easy part is once again not feeling like you have a secret.

trachemys

And another thing: stop the isolating thing. If you can't call your sponsor, we're here. 24/7/365. Just for you. Can't dial a phone, you can type.

Thepatman

Why not be honest with your sponsor.

I fail so see what negative can come out of it, other then your EGO taking a little beating...

There is good pride that brings positive, and bad pride that is useless.

Come on Grits, kick this thing to the curb like I know you can!

IOAA2

Hi.
I’m sorry for your loss along with the slip.

A sponsor is someone we can confide in good times and bad periods. It was hammered into me to call my sponsor before I pick up a drink. Other things were hammered also like going to lots of meetings, work on the steps, get active, go on commitments etc.
Perhaps more focus on step one again?
After a 2 year period of not getting it my undisciplined thinking needed some tough old fashioned attention getting from some old timers, mostly gone now.

The first thing I and others need is to be honest with our self about my drinking which is not easy for most of us. After doing that I needed to accept the fact that I cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row.
I’m not a religious person but my last day drinking I asked MY higher power to help me stop drinking out of desperation. From that moment till now I haven’t had a drink, 35+ years. I still go to 3-5 meetings a week and hearing and seeing newcomers helps me TG for the program and the people in it.

Most of this is no secret but needs to be repeated daily as that built in forgetter sometimes can pop up in a heartbeat.

BE WELL

JetIonic

I have been trying to remember this line - I saw it in one of your posts on one of my first sober days and it has helped me so much. I've turned it into a mantra for myself, saying "not bored, serene", when I get that itch to drink. It really works!

I tried to quote it in another post, but couldn't exactly remember it. So delighted to see it again. Did you come up with this fabulous line yourself?

Thank you!

P.S. Sorry for getting off-topic, GRITS! I haven't had much experience with a sponsor, so I don't know the right answer, but I would guess it's that honesty is the best policy.

Mountainmanbob

in most all cases that I have seen
if one truly has a solid Sponsor
best to share all with them ASAP

a Sponsor is one who will take whatever we share with them
to their grave without discussing it with anyone else

MM

Hawkeye13

You have identified the problem of isolation.
So your plan, my dear DG, must include no "option of isolation"
even if you must impose more structure on yourself.

Coming clean to you sponsor is essential and I don't think it will be all that bad
if you go to him / her with a clear "plan" for dealing with the causes that lead to lapse.

Hang in there. It will click if you never give up. And you won't

ScottFromWI

Yes.

Peter_819

It looks like you've had some long sober stretches that's great! No need to have your tail between your legs. You're on here, you're brining a turkey for AA, that's all positive. See what you can learn from this experience and keep soldiering on. You didn't get sober just for the coins. Fess up to your sponsor and keep not drinking. Don't let a slip up be a reason to fall into the trap of dishonesty and drinking.

Soberwolf

lots of good advice

strategery

I want to send my condolences. I went through something similar two years with my mother's father dying and also live out of state from my family. Being 1200 miles away is difficult when things like that arise.

In any case, you need to come clean as soon as possible with your sponsor. They can only help you if you are honest with them. I am not sure there is an easy way to do this. I am glad that you are planning on coming clean though.
I wish you the best. *hugs*

matilda123

Grits, just sending you healing thoughts. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

hokey

aw DG, I am so sorry to read all that you shared with us ... *hugs* to you, my friend. I haven't been a sponsor, but I have had to go to my sponsor to admit a relapse and I know what a difficult thing that can be. While I expected her to kick my a$$ and react with disappointment and anger, what I received was love and understanding (she is another alcoholic, after all). We went back to step one and started over again ... because I really had to get step one 100%. I had to remove alcohol as my much-loved go-to solution for everything. It's not easy, that's all I've ever known. Good, bad ... it doesn't matter ... I cannot drink to escape myself. I continue to go to meetings almost every night (I now have 108 days of sobriety) and I don't see that habit going away any time soon. The meetings keep me sane and sober, so that I can deal with life on life's terms. Good luck, I know you can do this ... one day at a time.

Anna

DG, I'm not in AA, but you know that being honest with yourself is the best thing you can do. And, allowing others to help you is the next best thing you can do, and I know how hard that is. But, allow your friends (and us here at SR) to give you a hand up.

Nuudawn

DG....my friend. You have a problem with your program. You pose a question at the end..that you yourself know the answer to right???? Any person who knows anything about AA..in program or not...knows the answer to that question DG.

You have just endured a terrible loss...yet....you reached out to NO ONE. Why? You have been involved in the AA program for years and you cannot pick up that phone. You say you have friends in the program..have for years..yet you can't call them.

WELL...DG..if you were my friend (like if you had my number) and you DIDN'T CALL ME...didn't share your pain with me...didn't share YOU and what's going on with you..with ME..

I would be mad as hell at you. THAT'S what friends are for honey! That is the basic premise of the AA program.

All those folks KNOW that the key to sobriety is sharing ourselves and our burdens...
Showing up and being authentic and TRUSTING that someone will be there for us.

Do you not TRUST the folks in AA to be there for you? These are really, really crucial questions you have to ask of yourself DG.

Everytime life throws a curveball (or hand grenade) you will run to the bottle if you DON'T run to another human being and allow them to care for you....

You are WORTHY of it...you have a right to be heard and be held and be supported ..and loved.

Why are you refusing to share yourself...your life...your burdens..with the folks in your program?

You are cheating them of YOU. That's not right my friend. It just isn't.

JanieJ

DG, this ^^^^^^^

Very sorry for you loss and your trauma my friend.