philly76

Okay, I'm by no means sober. I mean I am now, but not in the AA sense. I drink.

I've tried to quit drinking before. And honestly it's only gotten to become what I consider "bad" in the past two years or so. But when I've tried to quit before, I've come to these forums and focused on the quitting. I have tried to recover. I have had a problem. I took the victim approach and internalized all the negative propaganda that comes with giving up alcohol. And in doing so, I felt like I was giving up something.

Again, I'm not "sober," so I'm by no means preaching. But I'm no longer fixating on the negative. I'm looking at this as a journey into discovering something new about myself, not coping with something I forced myself to lose.

I'm not a victim. I chose, I choose to drink. I'm not diseased. I don't have a condition. I am simply a weak person who hasn't fully accepted how strong I can be and what amazing things that strength holds for me.

My dealings with alcohol were two fold, maybe three fold. I got laid off, so I got bored. I'm gay, and gay people drink. And I'm single and pushing 40, and that's more frustrating than I think it should be...because rationally I don't care.

It's when the irrational side takes over that I want to bury my night in a box of wine. But the more I think about my strides proactively instead of reactionary, the more I think about what 40 holds for me verses what 30 was, the more I think of being a truly healthy person - mentally and physically - the less relevant alcohol seems.

I never want to be "2 years sober," I want to be "38 years human." We **** up and recognizing that makes me feel better, it makes me feel good. I'm not going to make the trek into sobriety if I'm dreading it. I could never do that. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be weird, upsetting, manic, and funny. It's going to be human

Nonsensical

If I'm reading your post correctly I had a similar epiphany on my journey. I quit drinking many times. It never stuck because the sensation of giving something up was always nagging at the back of my mind.

It wasn't until I made the decision to start living sober that things fell into place for me. I have a better life now and alcohol is not going to steal it from me.

Thepatman

Leaving a crack in the door some call it. Unless you close the door shot and remove Alcohol on the table of options, then it will be difficult.

Like a tooth about to fall, either you play with it or you yank it out the hard way. Same for booze.

GracieLou

Why?

There are a lot of humans that do not drink that are not alcoholics, they just choose not to.

It sounds to me like you want to have the choice and that is fine. It is your life. It is your choice. If you want the choice to remain on the table, that is completely up to you.

I was the same way at one time until I didn't have a choice anymore. Remember alcoholism is progressive. I thought I always had a choice until the day came I wanted to stop and found I could not. I needed it and the choice was gone.

Just keep that in mind why you are pondering your choices.

OklaBH

Who are you trying to convince? This is a forum for people who know they cant drink. We are cleaning up the wreckage from "being human and doing what I want" You may be confident now, but read what Gracie said "Remember alcoholism is progressive. I thought I always had a choice until the day came I wanted to stop and found I could not." Everything you are hanging onto can be wiped away. You wont even know what hit you! Good luck

FreeOwl

Gay people drink.

Wow. Really? So if you're gay you have to drink?

Listen, if you feel like you want to find a rationale to keep on drinking, you will. But some of your post is nonsense.

People drink. Gay people, straight people, transgender people, white, black, Hindu and Christian....

All of those people also DON'T.

Drinkers drink.
Many alcoholics drink.

But you see.... Nobody HAS to make the choice to numb out their life's experience and drag themselves down into oblivion in a bottle.

I remember using a similar twist on some of your 'I'm not a victim' logic. I remember convincing myself I could just CHOOSE to drink alcohol and magically find a new and different result than I had for the preceding 26+ years.

Boy, I hope it works out better for you.

anattaboy

I will say this: I've been right where you're at and had everything else aligned perfectly to stop and yet I drank. I've also been in that place where I wanted it bad but something important requires what little stability alcohol offered to get through things. Finally it just made me very ill and fear of death prompted me to plan a detox and follow through. I did and have been here since. My point is, these moments of clarity came less often as I drank a lot of life away.

BernieE

As someone who is also approaching one of those big birthdays, I see Philly's post in a different light. I think he's not saying he is going to continue drinking, but that he's viewing it in a more positive way -- he's not focused on what he's losing but on what he's gaining, the healthy life he wants to lead. When alcohol is truly off the table, you're free to focus on what is on the table and what you want to add.

Philly, can you clarify?

sprout50

I agree with Bernie. I think Philly is saying that he was unable to stay sober while thinking the way he was. Instead of focusing on the negative-what he is giving up-he is now going to focus on the positive-what he is gaining. Philly, please correct me if I am wrong.

And Philly, I think you are spot on with this. It's what I call getting your head in the game. We have to change tthe way we think about alcohol. It is not giving something up. It is gaining a life.

Hawkeye13

I agree with the "living sober" approach.
I also don't see myself as "powerless" over alcohol,
rather that I am empowered as a human being to make positive choices
in my life.

I don't focus on "not drinking", but on enjoying a life which I have chosen to make
alcohol-free.

I love this life and do not "miss" alcohol anymore.
It is certainly possible to take a positive approach, and it is another way to create a sober life.

There is no "right" way to quit. One size does not fit all.

airwick

38 sounds wonderful, try 50 in January lol

Good-luck to you

philly76

Wow, thank you. I wasn't expecting such backlash from what I thought was a positive post.

No, I'm not looking for an escape clause. Yes, I want to stop drinking. When I said "gay people drink" I was being rhetorical.

When I said I don't want to be "2 years sober," I put it in quotes for a reason. Yes, I want to be sober for two years, ten years, thirty. What I don't want is for it to matter so much that I have to announce it in a meeting. I don't want booze to have power over me after I stop drinking. What would be the point?

I don't want to be dragged down into the aftermath of alcoholism: coping for the rest of my life. I want to find a place above it.

How on earth is that a bad thing?

Maybe it's unrealistic. I have no frame of reference. But for a site full of blind cheerleading, how can anyone be so rigidly obtuse about such a goal?

philly76

YES! Thank you. And we all tackle this in different ways. I have no idea how people thought my post tried to sidestep my own responsibility. If I was looking for a pass I wouldn't be posting here.

But I'm not going to budge on what I said. I'm not a victim. I want to be held accountable for my actions, for every idiotic thing I've done when I'm drunk, and for why I drink. I don't know why so many people are ****ing on me because I want to own that.

Nuudawn

I do believe I not only understand what you are saying Philly...but wholeheartedly agree.
I want sobriety. I want to live a sober life. I do not want my life to be about focusing on the door I have chosen to close..but instead on the door that is open before me.

Now I say all this..still smartin' from my own recent stumble...but well...I screwed up and all I do know is that I want to return to sobriety. I don't need to weep over the sober days I lost or freak out cuz I have a new sober date.... that's not what's relevant. BUT..that's what's important to MY sobriety.

Anyway a person stays sober is a GOOD way...know what I mean? Do what you need to do ..for you.

JanieJ

I see your post as positive, Philly.

Viewing sobriety as a gain rather than a loss can only be a good thing.

Nonsensical

I think the tongue-in-cheek style of your original post was lost on some people. I wasn't sure myself, which is why I started my previous response with "If I am reading your post correctly...". Your original post can be read in a way that makes it sound like you plan to continue drinking. That's what people were reacting to, not the concept of being positive about living sober.

Like I said, I had a similar epiphany. For many years my life was about drinking. When I first quit my life was about not drinking. I didn't want my life to be about not drinking, so I started to just live a life without alcohol. It's been good for my mental health, and it seems like it will be good for yours as well. Best of Luck!

Hawkeye13

I do think the irony / true intention of Philly's post may have been missed by some

It's so hard to "get" intention from internet postings sometimes.
Remember we are all on the same team here--

malcolmsloan

I think I understand. For me, there is a delicate balance between never drinking again because I have to and never drinking again because I just don't want to. Yes, I know that I have a problem with alcohol, and, therefore, I chose to longer put it in my body in any capacity. It's my choice and I say no. I am not powerless but powerful to do what is best for my life, health, family, and future. It is about gaining control again. I want to be sober, I want to abstain from alcohol. The trick for me is to maintain and build this strength and power because if I get passive I might forget this path and end up back where I was. And it took me a good 30 years to get here, into this space. Does that make any sense? I think this is the direction you are thinking, Philly?
Onward!
-Malcolm

Hawks

If I had been able to fix myself by myself I would have done it years ago.

I hope your case is different.

Best of luck with your sobriety journey

EndGameNYC

I didn't know what you were getting at in your OP, but your later, um, clarifications, are revealing.

It has been amply demonstrated that alcohol, or our relationship with alcohol, doesn't lose its "power" over us by virtue of putting down the drink alone. If it were all that simple, none of us would be here. I don't write this reminder as a criticism or as an insult, but it seems that you've either pole-vaulted over this reality or decided in advance of your experience with long-term sobriety that it does not apply to you. I don't know your history in terms of length or quality of sobriety but I'm assuming from your comments that you haven't yet enjoyed extended periods of sobriety.

For many of us, the "aftermath of alcoholism" is not or has not been a unitary or universal phenomenon. Nor is it predictable, easily observed or assessed, time-limited, fully comprehensible at any given moment, or a guarantee of anything in particular. No single form of treatment or group of treatments is reliable in its efficacy for everyone, or even for the majority. My problem isn't alcohol, but my relationship with alcohol and the way I live my life while I'm drinking. I cannot by a conclusion of the mind "find a place above it," though I'll admit I'm not certain what you meant by this.

Many of us have learned to live a sober life without every aspect of our lives being tied into or determined by whether or not our every thought or action is "sober." The remedy for living life badly or in a destructive manner is to live a good life, not to check my sober temperature every five minutes. As is true of major depression for me, worrying over whether or not I'll be depressed again is not living life at all, and works against my efforts at living a good life. What's worked for me is therapy and medication, and I don't understand what "placing myself above" my depression would add to this (again putting aside that I don't even know what placing myself "above" either alcoholism or depression even means or would look like). The time I spend in AA meetings represents roughly 1.2% of my time every week. I don't got to meetings or use SR because I'm afraid that I'll drink if I don't, but because I generally get something good for myself by doing so.

I won't belabor some of the things that may be taken as provocative in your OP. My only point is that in order for recovery and all that comes with it to become a natural part of everyday life and not a constant reminder that I need to take care of myself, I had to stay sober long enough and well enough to get there. There is simply no way to speed up this process or to know in advance that this is so without doing it.