Lyricchi

I need help. I need help. Why can't I say this out loud, at a meeting? To my sponsor? I need help. I was sober several months, felt great some of the time, and terrible some of the time. Let meetings dwindle; went from going every night to just my home group twice a week. My sponsor and I rarely met - truthfully mostly her doing, but I never spoke up to say 'hey, I need to meet'. I never spoke up when we did meet and say 'hey, I really need to focus on the steps' when she would go off about her particular religion. I never called any other women, I never went for coffee, I never told the truth when someone said 'how are you?'. And I had resentments. And incredibly low self-esteem. Everything hurt my feelings, I am a raw nerve.

A big thing I struggle with - forgive the broad brush - is that I don't know myself at all. So I will sit in a meeting and smile and not to everything I hear thinking if I'm not smiling and nodding, I've got the cotton in my ears, or I'm on my pity pot, or I've got an attitude problem. I hate myself so much, I always think it's my fault. Then I go home and think about it. And think about it. And decide it's not my fault. And in come the resentments. I don't know if I'm describing it well... I'm just this massive ball of insecurity yet if I break open (outside of this online forum) - just one tiny crack - I freak out and go further within myself. As insecure as I am, I'm most insecure about being vulnerable.

Anyway, I drank again. I drank a week ago after several months sobriety. Just lost my cool, ran to the store, came home drunk. It's a week later and every morning is a new day one. Every day something happens that has me saying forget this and picking up. I'm scared of losing my mind. I can't do this anymore. There's this constant desperate feeling every time I drink now. I'm terrified the whole time I do it. It takes the entire bottle to take that 'edge' off now that used to come off with a drink or two. I'm jittery now, at 4 am. I work in three hours. I am guilt-ridden and filled with anxiety. I am scared to even go in and want to call in sick. I've been barely doing my job the past week. That's a lie - I haven't been doing my job, I've been into it there. God, what is wrong with me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Nothing can hurt I guess. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Lyricchi

god reading back it's embarrassing.

Gilmer

Never feel ashamed for writing, Lyricchi! We all vent here--it's important to open up and let people in in order to get help and support! We've all been where you are!

KenL

It's hard for you, now. You may feel stuck but have hope! Never give up on hope! Despair is a horrible feeling to have within your heart.

Making yourself vulnerable to others is very difficult to do. It certainly is for me. But if you don't keep trying to do that then you will not be able to know the true meaning of trust as it pertains to you, personally.

Dee74

Looks like you've decided to close your account. That's a great shame Lyricchi.

I found it hard too - but the second time was easier, and the third easier still.

Your addiction loves to use your pride fear and shame to isolate you and keep you from making any real changes...fight that - fight it with everything you have - you're worth it Lyricchi

D

FreeOwl

Don't know if you'll ever see this with a closed account.... But if you do I hope you'll come back, keep posting and really dog back into the steps.

You can stop the madness!

Anna

I hope that you decide to stop allowing the shame to rule your life. Yes, it's hard to let go of the shame and guilt, but it's part of the process in getting well.

Hawks

G'day Lyricchi

Familiar alcoholic story there.

The chapter in the AA book is called "into action "

Not into thinking, into withdrawal, into meetings, into anything else... Just action.

Get busy and get recovered

All the best