HopeandFaith1

It has been awhile since I first joined this site. I am sorry for not being around much. My health has been declining and I’m barely holding on to everything – my marriage, my home, my health, my job. Again as I believe I mentioned before, I used to read this site and feel strangely comforted by the fact that none of the horrible things had happened to me. YET. But as many of us have discovered the hard way, the not-yets have a way of becoming reality. The not-yets are hell. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.
So just to do a little catch up since I last posted, I only stopped drinking for about a week. I did go to AA. I went to about three meetings. As usual I did like it but I live in a fairly small town and the only place that has regular meetings, has them at 7 pm. I do not get off work until 6:45 and I’m about 45 minutes away. They do have earlier mornings before I have to be at work, but those don’t help much, it’s night that is the witching hour for me. As a newbie I need meetings at night. I was finding myself sneaking out of work early to make the evening meeting and there’s only so much of that I can get away with. I’m already on thin ice as it is.
I have also been going to a psychiatrist. He was actually advertised as an “addiction” psychiatrist but I know he isn’t really. At my last meeting, he asked me why I couldn’t just drink on the weekends instead of during the week? If I have to answer that question I don’t think he’s really an addiction doctor. But he is a nice guy and he did prescribe me some naltrexone and anti-depressants which seemed to work pretty good at first but now seem to do nothing or maybe even make me feel worse. The naltrexone did very little to nothing to curb my cravings and the anti-depressants seem to make me feel sluggish and more emotional than usual (or maybe it’s withdrawal, I don’t know).
The psychiatrist also diagnosed me of having some condition, I can’t remember the name, but it is called the absence of pleasure. I had it just a little bit before all the meds but now it’s worse. I can’t even get pleasure out of reading anymore which is really bad and unusual.
I have an appointment to see an addiction psychologist next Monday. He claims to have 30 years experience helping people deal with their inner demons so maybe he can help.
My husband and I are not getting a long too well. He drinks as much if not more than me. The past several months we’ve been having more fights while we’re drinking – that is also unusual. We’ve been married 14 years and for the most part get along pretty good. I tend to be a “happy” drunk while he is becoming an angry drunk. This scares me a lot.
I haven’t puked any more blood but I have been very tired and itchy all over with strange aches and pains in my belly. I went to the doctor to get a full work up and my follow up appointment is next Monday and I am really, really nervous.
Anyway that’s all I got good folks. Sorry this is long. I have not totally quit drinking but I am trying – not hard enough obviously – but doing more to quit than I ever have before. I want to be sober but I am also scared to be sober, if that makes sense. Don’t feel like I can go forward or back. It’s a bad place to be.
I hope you all are well. Thanks for being there.
Daisy

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Daisy

Theres no reason to be scared of sobriety id be more scared of vomiting blood (and believe me i know) you can lean on us for support 24/7

Acceptance is key

You have vomited blood because of drinking you need to stop like i had no one telling me when i was and i damn near ended up with wet brain

i was very lucky i was vomiting blood for 3 years when others have died sooner because of this pls daisy give it up i implore you to stop drinking tonight make tomorrow your day 1 you can do this

are you going meetings of any kind and have you got a plan ?

VikingGF

Hi, Daisy-

Good for you making such an effort to get sober. I understand completely the wanting to be sober but afraid to be sober- in fact, lots of us do- but it's not anything to be afraid of. The more sober you become the stronger you become, and things that were scary while you were drinking simply become problems to solve, not immoveable mountains.

I'm sorry your addiction doctor is not in any way an addiction doctor- but it's good that you know it now! I bet the new guy will help you.

AA meetings in the morning would be better than none, I would think. I don't have direct AA experience, but I know you will be hearing from people who do in very short time.

Lastly, I am so proud of you going to the doctor for a full work-up. That is the damn scariest thing of all, isn't it? But you did it and now you can deal with whatever you have to take care of.

It's a long road to recovery, but you don't have to walk it alone and when it gets scary and hard, we are RIGHT HERE. You can do this. I'm sending you tons of support.

HopeandFaith1

Thank you Soberwolf. I have not been to a meeting in a couple weeks. I am going to an addiction psychologist (not psychiatrist) next Monday. I have found there are a lot of psychologists who don't even want to see addicts unless they've been clean 30 days (if I could get 30 days, would I even need a psychologist? ha). Anyway I'm grateful he's seeing me.

Today is actually day 3 for me. And it's been rough have been crying at my desk all day. Two things keeping me sick are my relationship with my husband and coming home to lots of booze in the house even when I do come home from meetings and two, my dad's been treating me pretty bad lately. When I was a little Daisy he was emotionally and physically and sexually abusive. All these years I've been the only person who stood by him because he is an unpleasant man (mysoginistic, two faced, hypercritical, and cruel). He got better for a while but is now reverting back to his abusive ways and I don't think I have the strength to deal with him anymore, or the desire. But that is something I can talk to the counselor about. Maybe he can help me figure this out so I can stop feeling so horrible inside. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

HopeandFaith1

Thank you, VikingGF. I really appreciate the support. At this moment in time I feel so miserable inside and don't think I will ever get better, but I also still realize that these feelings will pass, especially if we make changes. It just seems very, very hard some days. You are right that morning meetings would be better than nothing, I just have a very hard time not stopping at the liquor store on my way home from work particularly after a bad day. Have never been a day drinker but I do get your point.

Soberwolf

Well done on day 3 Daisy

I dont allow no alcohol in my home

i am so sorry you have such an abusive father and i would keep a big distance i hope you find resolve in your councelling sessions

you can lean on us for support 24/7

Im glad your here Daisy

VikingGF

Driving past the wine store at night was my hardest test! But, after I did it several times, it didn't seem to pull me anymore, and now I don't even consider it. I would think that AA meetings would give you some tools to cope with that drive- rather than being an actual substitute for going there. It really sounds like you have set yourself up for success- you are doing all the right things. Coming here and sitting on this site is a great alternative for those nights without a meeting- I used to pretend it was an actual appointment I had to show up for. It really, really helped me change my habits.

I'm pulling for you- you can do this.

Oh, and cut that dad right out. You need to do what's best for you. Harsh? Maybe. But I'm harsh.

Anna

Daisy, I can hear the sadness you are feeling in your words. I'm glad that you are seeing a psychologist. Good for you for making the effort to get an appointment. I hope things go well. As for your physical health, many of us have harmed our bodies with our drinking. All you can do is to forward and not drink. I hope your test results are good.

If the antidepressant you tried didn't work well for you, don't give up. Antidepressants affect people differently. I had to try 3 before I found one that worked, and then the dosage had to be adjusted numerous times to get it right.

HopeandFaith1

I'm trying, I really am. Some days I try harder than others. It has been bad lately with my dad acting up and my husband acting more like dad (while drunk which really sucks). I have been contemplating just cutting my father out of my life but then I know I'll get lots of snippy emails from my aunts and uncles who just don't want to deal with him and they'll tell me what a terrible daughter I am, even though even by my dad's own admission I am the only person he can talk to, and the only one who never forgets his birthday or father's day, and who cooks him Sunday dinner's from time to time when I can stomach it. This in spite of the fact that he was so rotten to us when we were kids, and he trash talks behind my back and everyone else's, and he criticizes my husband, speculates about our sex life, and discusses the size of my chest with other family members (yes, really). It's humiliating. There's a lot of anger there. I do want him to just go away as bad as I feel for saying it I want him to go away and not embarrass or hurt me anymore or make me feel bad about myself.

My husband is starting to act a lot like him. I work full time and wait on him hand and foot and always compliment him sincerely because I think (or thought) the world of him, I put up with the degrading comments that really hurt sometimes and the drunken temper tantrums but between the two of them, I am done. Not to say I am an angel in this, absolutely not, but I feel like I am the only one who ever tries or has a kind word to say about anyone. A little support from either one would make a world of difference.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH thank you for letting me vent I do feel a little better already.

HopeandFaith1

Thank you Anna it is good to know that re:antidepressants. I was ready to give up on them all together. The doctor is a little too willing to dispense I think. He wanted to give me a narcotic anxiety med and I said absolutely not, do you have no idea how many alcoholics die from taking narcotics AND drinking? I don't really know myself, but I bet it's a lot. At some point I would like to not take any meds at all but probably should take them during these turbulent and confusing days. As you are probably aware I think alcoholism messes up our brain chemicals until what's bad for us seems good and what's good for us seems bad, it's so scary.

luvmygirls

Welcome back, Daisy! I really hope you stick around this time. Your description of your father and husband's behavior is shocking and awful. I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly...please keep posting, we are here for you.

HopeandFaith1

Thank you JoSharon I feel a little weird talking about it to tell you the truth, I don't talk about it much to anyone, not my friends or co-workers or family members. But sometimes bad behavior can begin to seem normal and need other unbiased opinions, and thinking about it, it really is awful. My husband is a little worse because while my dad is usually pretty rotten, my hubby is a jekyll and hyde. He can be so loving and complimentarly one minute and then just turn on a dime and plus I love him a lot so that hurts the worst.

I needed to get this off my chest today. Thanks JoSharon and everyone for your words of encouragement.