GettingClean9

I've lurked here off and on for about 4 years. During that time I have enjoyed a few brief periods of sobriety. As one might expect, my life starts to get better when I get sober (of course, I also experience a lot of horror as I begin to "sober up" and realize the damage I have done while drinking).

The past few times I have gotten sober (and I have never enjoyed more than 40 days of consecutive sobriety) I have felt this false comfort of thinking, "Oh, I've made it thirty days, maybe I don't have a problem?" And then I go back and test the waters again, only to repeat the same awful cycle/downward spiral.

I apologize for that long intro, but here's what currently happening. I am going to AA, I have a sponsor (for the first time) and I am working the steps. I am also taking antabuse as an added layer of protection (just started yesterday, although I've had the prescription for a while).

Here's my current dilemma. (Now, by "current dilemma" I by no means intend to imply this is my ONLY dilemma or problem. It's just the most pressing one right at this MOMENT.)

I seem to have -- no, forget that, I definitely have -- transferred my addiction of drinking over to pills. Ambien, to be specific. I am so mortified and embarrassed about this. I have not told my sponsor, nor have I told my doctor. At my absolute worst, I have taken 7 ambien in one day.

I have been attempting to stop this, and I know that the first step is to tell my sponsor and also my doctor. Here's where the current trouble lies. My live-in fiance takes ambien (he is not addicted) and has his own prescription for it. Because of my problem, he keeps them locked up and I do not have access to them.

This morning I discovered that he accidentally left them out. All day long I have been struggling to not take any of the ambien. Thus far, I have been successful. I actually was so scared that I drove the bottle of pills down to my mom's house and left them there in her cabinet, so they would not be within arm's length.

As soon as he gets out of work (that's about 5 hours from now) he can stop by my mom's and get the ambien back.

The problem is, I am TERRIFIED I will drive back over that and take one in the meantime. It is not a far drive. I could technically walk if need be.

I have ruined so much of my life and I could very well DIE if I keep going back to these addictions. Yet, here I am, desperately trying to keep myself from going over there to get "just one."

My stupid addict brain keeps telling me this will be the last time, that I'll only take one, that I "really need it today," that "at least it's not alcohol" and so on and so forth.

I don't want to call my sponsor because she has a busy work schedule and never answers during the day. I don't want to call my fiance at work because Tuesday is his "long day" and he's in meetings all day. (I am out of work, having lost my job as a result of my addiction.)

I don't want to flush the pills.

What should I do? I already probably know the answers...and I apologize if I'm coming off like a total jerk and/or breaking any of the posting rules. I am having a panic attack right now, and I truly don't know what to do.

Should I call someone else from my AA phone list? Should I drive the pills out to my fiance at work (so they won't be at my mom's and, therefore, close enough for me to go get one). Should I do all of the above and then go to a meeting?

I have only been sober for under a week. Any help greatly appreciated.

Thepatman

Welcome to SR!

I think your AV wrote the top portion of your post, but near the end you wrote.

All this should work

"Should I call someone else from my AA phone list? Should I drive the pills out to my fiance at work (so they won't be at my mom's and, therefore, close enough for me to go get one). Should I do all of the above and then go to a meeting?"

least

If they're his pills you don't have the right to flush them. You'll have to tell him where his pills are so he can get them. I suggest calling someone and talking about this. Congrats on a week sober!

And welcome to the family.

Thepatman

Rectification, I read to fast. Get rid of the pills, give them to someone that knows about your addiction issues, or toss them down the drain.

jaynie04

I would say I had a bigger problem with Ambien that booze or benzos. I took it for almost 20 years… I got clean off of everything last summer, but I get where you are coming from.

I am not sure if you have every had to withdraw from Ambien…but it is horrible. Trust me, you DO NOT want to get addicted to that stuff.

I think you need to do this for you….to understand that you are in control, not the pills. It is an awful feeling to feel like something so small can wield so much power.

Don't spend today beating yourself up about what you need to tell your sponsor, etc, that is not going to help your anxiety, especially knowing that you still have access. You did the right thing, you came here and shared….that is really, really important and I hope you are proud of yourself.

You took action and protected yourself. Don't throw in the towel now. You might google Ambien addiction…it will kill your desire.

I ended up in inpatient for 30 days. There was a gentleman there with me who was in SOLELY for Ambien….he had fried his brain so much he had to have a one on one attendant with him for 3 weeks. It is a powerful drug, I promise you, you will be so glad later today if you don't cave.

There is nothing better than no longer being slave to those little white demons.

GettingClean9

What is the etiquette for calling other members? Now that I have a sponsor, I'm afraid that if I call another member they'll ask me why I didn't call my sponsor first.

But I feel sort of uncomfortable talking to my sponsor. I always feel like I am bugging her or she is pushed for time. (This could completely be in my head, of course.)

Is it okay to take the phone list and just call somebody else? (I probably already know the answer to this.)

I just feel like such a loser not having a day job (anymore) and I can't stand the idea of bugging somebody else while they're trying to work.

biminiblue

It will get easier every time you say, "No!"

Can he take the pills with him to work?

If it were me, I wouldn't handle them again. I'd leave them alone. There is always going to be access to one addictive substance or another.

Putting something in your body to make you feel better will never fill you up.

Stay busy!!

biminiblue

Yes! Use the phone list. If they are unable to talk, they will tell you and you call the next person on the list. That's why they gave you their numbers. The first time I called someone, they couldn't talk. I called the next person and she talked, and in the meantime the first person called someone else to call me back, so I had incoming calls beeping through when I was talking to person #2. It felt good.

Sponsors are not your only contact in AA. Call! We love it when you call.

GettingClean9

Thank you so much. This was very helpful. Part of my problem is that while I KNOW (and can freely admit) I have a problem with booze, there's some stupid part of me that continues to insist Ambien isn't addictive, or that I'M not addicted. I know deep down that this is hogwash. In some ways I think my problem with Ambien is even worse than my problem with alcohol -- or at least as bad. Yet, when I mention it to people they don't seem to take me seriously. (Of course, I have not mentioned it in a meeting, or to my doctor, or to my sponsor -- I'm quite sure I'd be taken seriously in those settings.)

The few friends and family members I've told just seem baffled. Ambien? Addictive? No way!

But I have more trouble with that than I do with alcohol. (At least, that's how it has been for the past year.)

I appreciate everything you have said so much. Every fiber of my being is SCREAMING for me to go get the Ambien.

It just confuses me so much because I have never felt an addiction to any other pill. I have a prescription for Ativan and I couldn't care less about it. I guess that's because I get no "high" from it. Ironically, the Ativan just makes me fall asleep. And I've seriously had the same bottle of it sitting around for months untouched. (Although, thinking now, I am aware that I could probably get addicted to anything. Therefore, I suspect I need to flush the Ativan.)

Anna

I'm not in AA, but hopefully your boyfriend will reclaim his pills and put them away.

I think you should do whatever it takes for you stop using them. Do you normally take them in the evening? If so, try going out after supper for a walk, to the gym or call a friend, whatever it takes.

jaynie04

Definitely call.. anytime we take action we are strengthening our sobriety muscles and weakening the enemy. Then it is no longer just you against the pills. You have brought in the SR army, the AA peeps, your defenses keep getting stronger and stronger and the substances start to dwindle and fade.

I promise you this…when I drive by the pharmacy now I cringe at how dark it used to feel to be owned by those pills. There was something so sinister and dark about the covert activity associated with it. So I understand that lonely space when it feels like you against the pills.

I wasn't fortunate enough to use SR until after I got back from rehab. But there is something really powerful in being able to verbalize that struggle. And huge props to you….you came here BEFORE you made the choice.

You just head butted that nasty AV….bravo!!!

GettingClean9

He can take them to work. In the past, he used to keep them in his office at work and then he'd bring home one a night for himself so as to not risk letting me get at them.

However, now that I'm in AA and appearing to be getting a little better, I told him it was okay if he left them in the locked cabinet (!)

WHY??!?!?! I want to punch myself for saying this. I don't even blame him for believing me. He was just trying to be trusting, and he does NOT get how my brain works. He was like, "Oh! Good. I'm glad you're getting better."

I read somewhere that one of the saddest things about addiction is how easily your family/friends will believe any lame excuse you give them. How they sometimes so desperately want you to be well that if you give them something that sounds even halfway plausible they'll buy it.

I feel that's the situation here.

GettingClean9

I think another huge part of the problem (for me, and I'm guessing all addicts) is that I want to feel better RIGHT NOW. I read once that an addicts favorite words are "more" and "now," and that an addicts least favorite words are "no" and "wait."

That's very true of me.

Also, I just can't stop thinking about the absolute nightmare my life has become. It has become this nightmare because of my drinking/pill use, but now that it's staring me in the face I feel like I'm drowning.

doggonecarl

Unsure if you're addicted to Ambien...

This is practically the definition of addiction.

Maybe looking up a local NA meeting would help?

GettingClean9

I know I'm addicted. I just keep thinking, "Maybe this isn't as harmful of an addiction (as drinking). Maybe I need this to get myself through. It's prescribed by a doctor (who knows I'm an alcoholic) so it can't be that bad, right?"

I'm not saying these are valid points -- I am well aware that they are NOT. I'm just describing what's going on in my head.

When I read what you said about looking up a local NA meeting my first response was anger. Because, of course, I don't want to admit I might need help there, too.

Again, not trying to sound like a jerk. Just admitting that what you said hit close to home (perhaps too close). I remember years ago when family and friends first started suggesting I go to AA. I was so mad at them. Now I don't feel that way at all. Now I feel like I KNOW I need AA. I know I am powerless over alcohol. But to admit I might need NA too? It's almost too much to bear.

I will be honest in saying that I don't truly understand the difference. I have no idea what to expect from an NA meeting.

GettingClean9

And to add to the fact that I'm most certainly an addict, I'm not even talking about my own prescription anymore. I no longer have any refills because I used it up in about a week and a half (a 30 day, 10 mg supply). The issue at hand is stealing my fiance's ambien. He doesn't want to quit taking it just because I have an issue, although he has said he will if need be. I don't want to ask that of him, but since he has offered maybe that's the best thing?

I just don't even know anymore. It was easier to justify this not being a problem when I was only abusing my own prescription. But I have stolen Ambien from him (and from other family members). And I used up my own prescription virtually overnight. So, yeah, it's a huge problem.

doggonecarl

Having read jaynie04's post again, maybe detoxing in a supervised medical setting should be the first step...followed by the additional support of NA. But getting through the withdrawals is key.

GettingClean9

I've never experienced Ambien withdrawals...at least, I don't think I have. Other than some minor anxiety (and, of course, insomnia) I've been able to go off Ambien for 2-3 weeks at a time, cold turkey, without experiencing anything too bad.

I'm coming to see this is lucky, and that I perhaps need to consult with my doctor. Called and left a message with my sponsor, also got through to somebody in AA and talked for a bit. I'm feeling slightly better.

Just never wanted to admit my problem was this bad

But, like others have said, the girl I spoke to with AA was sooooo excited to hear from me! It was like a breath of fresh air. I always worry that I'm bugging people when I call them, but that didn't feel like the case at all.

Feeling anxious again, so I may try another on the list. Thanks so much for all of the help, everybody.