Elphaba

After many months of sobriety I relapsed on vacation, and it's been a steady descend back into hell. Smashed a tv, and my husbands guitar last week in a drunken rage. Hosted a dinner party Saturday night and suspect I made a complete ass of my self, but I don't really know because I don't actually remember. Woke up still drunk yesterday morning and continued on drinking. I am so disgusted with myself. It's helps to see the typed words because I sometimes doubt if I'm a true alcoholic, but who does that kind of stuff if they aren't? I am so ashamed.......I feel so lost

biminiblue

All you can do is move forward. Get rid of the alcohol.

Day one awaits. Use this memory as the reason to not go there again.

(hug)

Nonsensical

Welcome back.

I found shame and regret at the bottom of every bottle. There's a better way. Stick around and learn how.

You can do this.

Wastinglife

I know how you are feeling. My last relapse ended with me in the ER to get 30 staples in my scalp after drunken black-out.

Drknz

I know exactly how you're feeling.. I went on a 2 day bender and its now day 2 and still feel like Im actually hungover, I feel in actual physical discomfort n pain which is a sign that this is getting worse and I need to stop..

JT0626

(((Hugs)))


I understand the shame. Shame is such a powerful emotion & it often leads us in the wrong direction. I attach shame to a lot of things & that becomes my trigger & my downward spiral.

Let the shame go, it's all in the past now. Start a new you today, a you that you can be proud of. Keep coming back.

hopeful4

Your own denial is fueling the fire. Read your words. An occasional or social drinker does not damage property and not remember it in a drunken rage.

You need a plan. First thing, put the drink down. You are going to lose all you have if you continue down this rabbit hole. I strongly recommend an apt with a counselor who specializes in helping families who have addiction in their lives. Involve your spouse.

You deserve a better life than this. You deserve peace and happiness and are not finding it now in drinking. You can do this, it is just going to take work and dedication. Your life is absolutely 100% worth that.

I hope you reach out and make these changes that you and your family deserve.

TODAY IS A NEW DAY! While you cannot change the past, the future is yours!

Anna

The self-loathing is a double-edged sword. You have to be careful because it can quickly and easily move you back to drinking. But, it can also push you to change and to never go through that again.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back to SR, Elphaba.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope that you can put the shame and guilt behind you and move forward in a positive way. Moving forward will be difficult if you continue to beat yourself up over the shame and guilt. You will need strength and courage to battle the alcoholism (not shame and guilt).

We are here for you and solidly in your corner.

soberclover

Most of us start our journey of sobriety because we feel like we are the lowest of the low. While it is important for me to remember where I came from, it is also important for me to always remember that this is a forward journey. I know that the addiction just gets worse. The things that happen get worse. I hope you can continue your sober journey and not have to feel this type of pain anymore! Take care of yourself today

desypete

i ended up in a police cell and facing charges in court when i once smashed up the house and broke a tv and much more besides

i can remember the shame i felt in court having to answer for my actions
my name went into the local paper so everyone in my town knew what i had done

it never stopped me from drinking though all though i did stop for short period as i hated myself for what i had done etc but sadly in time i would forget about it all and soon end up drinking again and my crimes ended up getting more outrageous to the point were they just got sick of seeing me in court and ended up sending my to prison

drink was certainly a poison to me from dr Jekyll to mr hyde

the only way to stop me from doing these things was to simly not pick up that first drink and then i wouldnt get drunk if i dont get drunk i dont end up in trouble as i know how to behave sober
i do not go around fighting people when sober nor smashing my home up sober

but the madness of this illness will tell me maybe if i drink a bit differntly next time it might be different and it never is

least

I'm glad you're back and trying again.

sprout50

We all know the self loathing and shame. Use this to move forward towards a sober life.

Nuudawn

Acceptance of our alcohol problem seems to be the greatest hurdle. In any problem solving practice identifying the problem is job 1 and then accepting the problem is 2. For many of us, our greatest difficulties lie in wavering with those. We may realize and accept it on Tuesday and then deny it by Friday.

From what you have described I would say your problem is in fact alcohol and abstinence looks like the best remedy. I don't think you need to label it much beyond that. Questioning the abstinence solution essentially confirms the problem.

Glad you're back.

Tall Dawg

Welcome back! Start with today!

Elphaba

Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive words. To think that this hell is self imposed is baffling, I should be running from the sight of alcohol, not mourning any kind of loss.

Nuudawn

Ya but you will. Alcohol was the longest, strongest relationship of my life I think (or was that cigarettes : ).

Jwalker

Welcome Elphaba!

Poke around the site and you will see that you are not alone!

Jwalker

Verte

Hi Elphaba,

One morning I opened my eyes and asked, "what the heck is going on with me?"

Although the answers to that and many other questions were impossible to answer, I knew that I just had to stop with the craziness. The only way I could guarantee this was to stop drinking, completely and totally. For me. In hindsight, it was the simplest solution to drowning imaginable.

Welcome to the forum. The support here is phenomenal.

Ellay

Your post really resonated with me, thank you. I have been romanticizing the thought of going away on vacation, and drinking. What made you decide to drink? Just curious. Hope you are feeling a bit better I know all too well the days after those dinner parties...