The self loathing is sooooo severe.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Elphaba, welcome back.
I agree with what everyone has said. Especially about the shame and guilt leading you back to drinking. I remember that cycle well. Shame-guilt-anxiety-drink-shame-guilt...
It truly is neverending and it will never, ever get better. I promise. I used to fool myself that this was just a bad run or a bad time or that I wouldn't drink so much the next time, etc. No matter what, if you are at the phase you're describing? You WILL be there again and it will get worse the next time.
I don't want to scare you but I do want to let you know that the best thing you can do right now is just stop, get yourself through the shame (with us, with whatever support you need) and anxiety, and just do not pick up again. Get whatever support you need and do not for one minute be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
Hang in there and get back on the horse. You can totally do this again and have learned more for it. Hugs.
I agree with what everyone has said. Especially about the shame and guilt leading you back to drinking. I remember that cycle well. Shame-guilt-anxiety-drink-shame-guilt...
It truly is neverending and it will never, ever get better. I promise. I used to fool myself that this was just a bad run or a bad time or that I wouldn't drink so much the next time, etc. No matter what, if you are at the phase you're describing? You WILL be there again and it will get worse the next time.
I don't want to scare you but I do want to let you know that the best thing you can do right now is just stop, get yourself through the shame (with us, with whatever support you need) and anxiety, and just do not pick up again. Get whatever support you need and do not for one minute be ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
Hang in there and get back on the horse. You can totally do this again and have learned more for it. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I was awful for waking up still drunk and carrying on drinking.
When I had no choice but to sober up as it was time for work or whatever, it was a brutal, painful process. Both physically and emotionally.
I hated myself.
I would tell myself what a waster I was, that I had this dirty secret, that I was different to everyone else. That I deserved nothing.
It took a while, but I eventually realised that if I didn't have that first drink, there was no way I could wake up drunk in the morning.
I also remember bad things happening.
I became quite unpredictable when I had been drinking.
I could have 10 drinks and be fine. I could have 4 drinks and black out and wake up to be told all the hideous things I had done.
I would make deals with myself and say things like 'tonight I will have no more than 2 drinks, then nothing bad will happen'.
Of course that went out the window many times.
After 2 drinks I wanted another, then another, then I didn't care and I was back to blackout and waking up thinking where did I go wrong?
Again it took a while, but I finally got it that the first drink for me is the most dangerous. Its not the 10th drink that gets me drunk, its the 1st drink that does.
If I don't have that first drink, I can't blackout.
If I don't have that first drink I won't forget what I say and make a fool of myself.
If I don't have that 1st drink, I won't have to rely on others to tell me what happened.
I am 1001 days without a drink today!
The thing I miss the least about not drinking is not the money I wasted on it, the hangovers, the wasted time sat consuming it, but the fact that for 1001 mornings I have not had to wake up and think OMG what happened?
For me that makes sobriety priceless!
I wish you the best xx
When I had no choice but to sober up as it was time for work or whatever, it was a brutal, painful process. Both physically and emotionally.
I hated myself.
I would tell myself what a waster I was, that I had this dirty secret, that I was different to everyone else. That I deserved nothing.
It took a while, but I eventually realised that if I didn't have that first drink, there was no way I could wake up drunk in the morning.
I also remember bad things happening.
I became quite unpredictable when I had been drinking.
I could have 10 drinks and be fine. I could have 4 drinks and black out and wake up to be told all the hideous things I had done.
I would make deals with myself and say things like 'tonight I will have no more than 2 drinks, then nothing bad will happen'.
Of course that went out the window many times.
After 2 drinks I wanted another, then another, then I didn't care and I was back to blackout and waking up thinking where did I go wrong?
Again it took a while, but I finally got it that the first drink for me is the most dangerous. Its not the 10th drink that gets me drunk, its the 1st drink that does.
If I don't have that first drink, I can't blackout.
If I don't have that first drink I won't forget what I say and make a fool of myself.
If I don't have that 1st drink, I won't have to rely on others to tell me what happened.
I am 1001 days without a drink today!
The thing I miss the least about not drinking is not the money I wasted on it, the hangovers, the wasted time sat consuming it, but the fact that for 1001 mornings I have not had to wake up and think OMG what happened?
For me that makes sobriety priceless!
I wish you the best xx
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