Need some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 4
Need some advice
I have been making a very lame attempt to quit drinking for over a year. My lameness mostly comes from the fact that the guy I have been hanging out with for 9+ years, is a very heavy drinker, and likes to hang out in the local bar on a nightly basis. We drink heavily and fight horribly. I am made out to be the reason why we fight constantly. Even though more often than not, I have full recollection of our evenings out, while he does not. He suffers from blackouts lately. It sucks because I do love him, but see that he does not care to change. I feel like I need to make a drastic change to help myself get better, but know what to say or do. I am sick of this routine. Need some advice. Basically one alcoholic, with another alcoholic, that doesn't care to change!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Yew-Kay
Posts: 279
You're right - two broken people, don't make a whole one When you were a little girl, growing up, is that what you wanted for yourself? I know I never dreamed growing up, that I would one day be an 'alcoholic' - a nurse maybe, even a pirate on the high seas at one point, but never a drinker.
I witnessed arguments between family members as a child and it put me off drinking for a lot of years (I was a late starter, as they say) - I'm wondering how your kids are coping with it all, apart from anything else? Sounds like you have a bit of a sticky situation going on
We're here for you!
Welcome to SR by the way - it's a fantastic site
I witnessed arguments between family members as a child and it put me off drinking for a lot of years (I was a late starter, as they say) - I'm wondering how your kids are coping with it all, apart from anything else? Sounds like you have a bit of a sticky situation going on
We're here for you!Welcome to SR by the way - it's a fantastic site
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi and welcome FrumpyJay
A lot of our members have to deal with spouses who drink - I'm sure you'll hear from them
I think supports very important in a case like this - but I know you'll find a lot of that here
D
A lot of our members have to deal with spouses who drink - I'm sure you'll hear from them
I think supports very important in a case like this - but I know you'll find a lot of that here
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, FrumpyJay! I'm not sure what specific advice I can give beyond maybe just tossing out ideas to explore. It seems that you're tired of drinking and ready to "get off the ride." That makes sense; it gets exhausting after a while, the endless parade of hangovers and regrets. It sounds like he's content with the situation as it is, and unwilling to change. Something will have to give.
One option might be that you will quit drinking and he will continue. I could foresee that being miserable for both of you. A sober person quickly tires of hanging out with a drunk all the time. It will be equally tedious for the drunk person to constantly feel judged.
Perhaps you just continue to both drink. The days and years drift by, never amounting to much. You get no closer to any of your life goals, no meaningful milestones are met. Consequences begin to pile up- DUIs, financial problems, health problems. Alcoholism is generally progressive; it it's bad now, just wait.
There's a chance that your getting sober could give him a kick up the butt that gets him to try sobriety, too. Realistically that's a long shot though. Alcoholics persevere with their drinking often for decades despite serious consequences. They will often drink right up to the point where death stills their glass.
So it's quite possible that you will have to make a choice, knowing that it will change your relationship. My ex-wife hated the way I drank. I loved her but not enough to quit drinking...that took a couple more decades.
Whatever you do you will find support here at SR! It's good to have you with us, FrumpyJay.
One option might be that you will quit drinking and he will continue. I could foresee that being miserable for both of you. A sober person quickly tires of hanging out with a drunk all the time. It will be equally tedious for the drunk person to constantly feel judged.
Perhaps you just continue to both drink. The days and years drift by, never amounting to much. You get no closer to any of your life goals, no meaningful milestones are met. Consequences begin to pile up- DUIs, financial problems, health problems. Alcoholism is generally progressive; it it's bad now, just wait.
There's a chance that your getting sober could give him a kick up the butt that gets him to try sobriety, too. Realistically that's a long shot though. Alcoholics persevere with their drinking often for decades despite serious consequences. They will often drink right up to the point where death stills their glass.
So it's quite possible that you will have to make a choice, knowing that it will change your relationship. My ex-wife hated the way I drank. I loved her but not enough to quit drinking...that took a couple more decades.
Whatever you do you will find support here at SR! It's good to have you with us, FrumpyJay.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I would focus on your recovery and keep your distance from this guy you hang out with asap
its destructive and very unhealthy to your sobriety
my advice is stay away and focus on your sobriety Welcome to SR youl meet nothing but support here
its destructive and very unhealthy to your sobriety
my advice is stay away and focus on your sobriety Welcome to SR youl meet nothing but support here
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 189
I'm sorry about your situation. You need to do what is best for you - and you know that involves getting rid of alcohol from your life. This may involve some really hard decisions that involve people you love. SR is a a place where you can find comfort, understanding and support. Welcome and I wish you the best!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome FJ 
I think MythofSysiphus said it all really.
I was in that situation too with one of my exes, both drinking, both fighting. People just avoided both of us eventually as we caused trouble wherever we went.
Concentrate on yourself and things should fall into place.
You will find tons of support here whatever you decide to do.
I think MythofSysiphus said it all really.
I was in that situation too with one of my exes, both drinking, both fighting. People just avoided both of us eventually as we caused trouble wherever we went.
Concentrate on yourself and things should fall into place.
You will find tons of support here whatever you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I personally feel that relationships among non drinkers or narcotic users are difficult enough, add alcohol and I see misery as a normal result. JMO.
We need to get sober for ourselves and that can be tough enough without negative influences interfering.
We cannot get anyone else sober or drunk.
I’d suggest reading, on this site “Friends and Families Forum.” In addition Al Anon in your area has a great record for years of support for anyone with someone with alcoholic ties.
BE WELL
I personally feel that relationships among non drinkers or narcotic users are difficult enough, add alcohol and I see misery as a normal result. JMO.
We need to get sober for ourselves and that can be tough enough without negative influences interfering.
We cannot get anyone else sober or drunk.
I’d suggest reading, on this site “Friends and Families Forum.” In addition Al Anon in your area has a great record for years of support for anyone with someone with alcoholic ties.
BE WELL
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I was once in a six year relationship with another alcoholic. Our drinking didn't always mix well. My experience proved that breaking up with him was the best thing for me. My advice to you is something along those lines Once you see the other person is resistant to change and growth, you have your answer.
Once you see the other person is resistant to change and growth, you have your answer.
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