TheLayers

Bear with me as I think this might be a slightly lengthy post.

Today is day 14. It is almost surreal that I have gone this long without a drink. Looking back on my previous posts, I have been everything from singing at the top of my lungs, to bawling my eyes out for no reason in the bath tub.

The past two days I've leveled off, but on the more depressed side of things.

First Issue :
I reached out to my cousin who has fought several addictions and has been an avid AA go'er for over a decade. I went to an AA meeting with him last Wednesday. While the support in the meeting was nice, I felt somewhat out of place. Mostly older gentleman, and I am a 29 year old "vibrant" if you will female. Two problems I found with the meeting, 1) They were all a long way into their sobriety 2) The god concept. I opened the "Big Book" and started reading and I just couldn't do it. I do not understand nor grasp the concept of God or a "higher power". I haven't attended another meeting and am feeling a struggle if I should be forcing myself to go, or if there are other means of support out there.

Second Issue :
My SO is a non drinker. He also does not understand addiction, alcoholism, depression, anxiety, etc. He went to an AlAnon meeting last Friday which I'm very happy about, and came back a new man. I have been on the brink of ending the relationship since I became sober as I quickly realized he was doing the opposite of supporting me from day one. Not because he doesn't want me to be sober (he wants that more than anything!) but because he does not know how to communicate. Yesterday again I was trying to tell him I was just feeling blue. Nothing he did, nothing happened, simply feeling blue. When I finished telling him how I was feeling, he came back with "It "irked" me when you changed the channel". Like I had not just tried to reach out and talk and was looking for support. He then gets frustrated, raises his voice, doesn't let me finish sentences, sits with his arms crossed, etc. I just don't know what to do. I've pulled away again from him and am in a place where I don't know if he is going to be more of a hinderance than support to my recovery. We are very much in love but I feel if I can't talk to him and he's the biggest part of my life, what do I do ? I'm almost afraid to try to talk to him again.

While I had big cravings in the first week (especially when SO and I had an argument, which happened 3 times), I am having cravings now that are not anger driven. I got off work early yesterday and ended up feeling like I need to socialize. This is the longest i've been out of a bar in my adult life. Often I go for drinks with coworkers after work, or go see friends and family at the pub. Or go for dinner and have a couple. I haven't done any of those things. Yesterday, I really longed for the social activity and I got so sad and felt deprived that I can't do that anymore. My cousin calls it having the 'itty bitty ****** committee' around (which I get a kick out of, pardon the profanity). I sit here again today just wishing I could go out for a drink, relax a little, have a laugh, feel like I have a social life.

I'm not even sure what i'm hoping to hear right now, I guess anything would be good. I feel like I hit a wall and I don't know what the next step is. If anybody was open to more one on one conversation with me, I'd really appreciate it. Is there an alternative to AA ? Will I ever be able to go out and not feel sorry for myself because I can't drink because of this "disease"? Should I take a break from my SO while I tend to my own healing and recovery ?

I realize I seem like i'm asking for all the answers, not finding them myself. I admit it, I don't know where to find them.

Soberwolf

Hi Layers 14 days is great yes there are alternatives here look at this

Yes you can go out and live a happy life sober without thinking about drink

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

biminiblue

Your boyfriend is not going to respond in the perfect way every time. As a matter of fact, no one will. Your feelings are yours. If you are feeling blue, it's not his "job" to make you feel better, it's your job. He doesn't get it about your drinking, and never will. He may just want you to be happy and maybe realizes that happiness is an inside job. You can tell him what you need in a nice way - maybe a hug? A blanket? A bowl of ice cream?

AA is not the only way. This website offers understanding and support. Stick around, read as much as you have time to do.

TheLayers

I understand this completely. I had asked for some "space" around day 6 for a couple days as I knew it was up to me to deal with my own feelings. The thing is, if I'm feeling a little blue I tend to shut off to him. I'll tell him very directly I love him, it has nothing to do with him, it is just my own stuff i'm working through. He will constantly press me with "what's wrong"'s, and even make comments when I say I don't want to talk that by being quiet/down i'm "bringing him down". I will then reluctantly try to explain why i'm feeling the way I am, and he seems to come back as though I've started a challenge to who feels more down. He gets frustrated with me when I finally open up, he gets tense, he starts saying things that make me feel worse about myself and wish I had never said anything. It's as though he doesn't want to hear it, but he can't stand not to know. Several times i've very calmly ended the conversation when he started getting upset with me, for being upset. He continues on, it seems there's no end. He makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be down, and that I have to put on a charade for him because my down mood is ruining his day.

least

Congrats on two weeks sober!

VikingGF

2 weeks sober is great!! It is also very early. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place, welcome to the club. Also, this is all new to both you and your SO. Be patient, be kind to yourself and go slow. Expecting big changes to soon can set you up for disappointment, and you really don't need to have any. Time will help, being strong and persistent on your sobriety will help and as you gain confidence, communication will improve. It's not a magic button, but being strong and clear-minded makes all of the hard things easier. Just keep going. You can do this.

Rence

Read the Big Book anyway. Forget the God stuff - relate to what you can relate to and ignore the rest. As far as the AA meetings, keep going ! Also take what you need from there and leave the rest behind. The old timers with a lot of sober time have the experience and wisdom of the recovering alcoholic that they want to share with people who need to get sober. Go to different meetings too - and keep going ! I promise you it WILL help if you go daily and listen.

In the meantime, focus just on your sobriety and keeping it. Try not to dwell on people and actions that are not in your control - and don't TRY to control them You must be selfish and vigilant about your sobriety early on. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Dee74

I was a mess at 2 weeks TheLayers.

My advice is try not too think too far ahead...there's enbough to be doing with today and not drinking.

I was a million different people in my first 30 days. I wouldn't make any life changing moves until you get a firm idea of who sober you is.

I'm not a 12 stepper but I'd probably give AA more than one meeting too - unless you live in an area well served by other recovery options

D