Blargggghhhhhh!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Blargggghhhhhh!!!
I am trying to 'let go' and hand over my worries to my higher power.
I am telling myself all the right things.
In my mind, I can say and see that it will all be OK. But inside, in my emotions..... I am scared and sad and heavy and confused.
I don't want to drink. Haven't had any thoughts of it.
But I also don't know how in the hell to deal with the nagging anxiety, glumness and dread.
How? Well.... Soldier on. Do things every day. One foot in front of the other. Exercise. Eat right. Supplements. Counseling. Go to meetings. Keep at it.... Work the steps.... Yoga... Meditate.
I'm doing all of that. Yet I woke this am at 4 and mind whirring could not sleep again. Dread of work issues. Dread perhaps of my birthday this week. Of growing old. Of changes. Of the unknown.
For the first 9 months sobriety was all quite good. The tenth however launched me into a hole of pressure and dread and confusing emotion and sadness. What the heck????
Is it me? Is it sobriety? Is it my age? Is it a midlife crisis????? What IS it???
Patience.... I guess that's all I can do.
Thanks for listening and helping me stay sober.
I am telling myself all the right things.
In my mind, I can say and see that it will all be OK. But inside, in my emotions..... I am scared and sad and heavy and confused.
I don't want to drink. Haven't had any thoughts of it.
But I also don't know how in the hell to deal with the nagging anxiety, glumness and dread.
How? Well.... Soldier on. Do things every day. One foot in front of the other. Exercise. Eat right. Supplements. Counseling. Go to meetings. Keep at it.... Work the steps.... Yoga... Meditate.
I'm doing all of that. Yet I woke this am at 4 and mind whirring could not sleep again. Dread of work issues. Dread perhaps of my birthday this week. Of growing old. Of changes. Of the unknown.
For the first 9 months sobriety was all quite good. The tenth however launched me into a hole of pressure and dread and confusing emotion and sadness. What the heck????
Is it me? Is it sobriety? Is it my age? Is it a midlife crisis????? What IS it???
Patience.... I guess that's all I can do.
Thanks for listening and helping me stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
I had a lot of this stuff in the first 10 - 14 months. First thing in the morning all that stuff would hit me like a train before I heaven crawled out of bed! Horrible. Like the illness had woken up 20 minutes before me. Like you are doing ,I persevered. Thought it might be PAWS and part of the process of recovery. The mind mending and the physiological changes. Either way, a drink was out of the question!
It passes, has passed for me and although I still have my concerns and even fears around some things they are getting to right size. In some proportion and gradually going.
AA, S/R and sticking to my 'sober routine' all helped me push on through.
It will be relieved in time.
Keep focussed and sober 'reason' will prevail.
And if it's mid life and you have a few bob the porche is always an option.....
Courage.
G
It passes, has passed for me and although I still have my concerns and even fears around some things they are getting to right size. In some proportion and gradually going.
AA, S/R and sticking to my 'sober routine' all helped me push on through.
It will be relieved in time.
Keep focussed and sober 'reason' will prevail.
And if it's mid life and you have a few bob the porche is always an option.....
Courage.
G
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I dont know, my 9th month was a killer, very much how you describe your 10th.
I had a lot going on around me and clearly was just marking time because I was just sort of wigged out about so much.
I remember dozing off to sleep and having this shooting anxiety rushing through my body and thinking if this is what people go through that have severe anxiety they have my full respect because this is so harsh and so far removed from normal anxiety!
I personally believe that a lot of it is the brain resetting and healing, simply because that is what I have read and it kind of feels chemical....
You sound great and doing everything right, diet, exercise, a program, meditating....
Recovery is big and the remodeling of our lives that doesn't answer every dilemma, problem, emotion and temperature change with a drink is going to take time to be the new normal...I think that accepted that, I could kick back a bit and make sobriety a bit easier.
I had a lot going on around me and clearly was just marking time because I was just sort of wigged out about so much.
I remember dozing off to sleep and having this shooting anxiety rushing through my body and thinking if this is what people go through that have severe anxiety they have my full respect because this is so harsh and so far removed from normal anxiety!
I personally believe that a lot of it is the brain resetting and healing, simply because that is what I have read and it kind of feels chemical....
You sound great and doing everything right, diet, exercise, a program, meditating....
Recovery is big and the remodeling of our lives that doesn't answer every dilemma, problem, emotion and temperature change with a drink is going to take time to be the new normal...I think that accepted that, I could kick back a bit and make sobriety a bit easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Great feedback going on here! I found that sobriety started "getting real" for me at this time. It was so much more than just not drinking...it was about learning to live a sober life. It does take time to settle in to this and I agree wholeheartedly with Notimetoloose that the brain is being remodeled and is healing. Those factors can make a person a little squirrely. LIFE has a tendency to make me squirrely and add sobriety in to that and it got really intereting! For me, talk therapy through a counselor was important. I also did a lot of journaling and reading blogs written by sober people that I found on the internet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 32
Had to reply to this thread since the title conveyed how I am feeling. Quit 9/1 and derailed this past Sat with three glasses of wine. Nothing terrible happened however I feel like a failure. How could I let so many days of hard work slip away from me? Work up in the night angry and sweating. Foolishly thought I had this licked...how stupid of me! What was happening when I fell - hanging out with brother and sister-in-law on an out of town trip to Newton CT to see music man Albert Cummings. Arrived at B&B about 3 pm. I drove so that others could smoke pot and have a couple of beers so that kept me safe for a while however once we arrived, I ran out of handy excuses.
Family knows that I quit drinking however I have yet to say that I quit because I am addicted to alcohol. The first glass was fun, the second glass was just because and the third glass was because I can't control my intake. This all took about two hours. Had supper, went to the concert and had club soda with lime the rest of the evening. Went for a 2.8 mile run the next morning. Beautiful! We came home and while the rest of the crew hung out in the garage drinking, smoking and watching football, I came home and rested. I am proud that I didn't smoke any tobacco as that's been quit since July 7th. I did have a little pot however that's never been my addiction and can take it or leave it. My addictions are tobacco and alcohol.
The self-loathing is hard to contain and I am trying very hard not to hate myself as that makes starting over very hard. I would normally just throw in the towel however I have learned that I love the sober feeling and so here I am again. Day 2!
Liz
Family knows that I quit drinking however I have yet to say that I quit because I am addicted to alcohol. The first glass was fun, the second glass was just because and the third glass was because I can't control my intake. This all took about two hours. Had supper, went to the concert and had club soda with lime the rest of the evening. Went for a 2.8 mile run the next morning. Beautiful! We came home and while the rest of the crew hung out in the garage drinking, smoking and watching football, I came home and rested. I am proud that I didn't smoke any tobacco as that's been quit since July 7th. I did have a little pot however that's never been my addiction and can take it or leave it. My addictions are tobacco and alcohol.
The self-loathing is hard to contain and I am trying very hard not to hate myself as that makes starting over very hard. I would normally just throw in the towel however I have learned that I love the sober feeling and so here I am again. Day 2!
Liz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hi FreeOwl, good going on your 10th month. I've been thinking about this thread a lot this morning and wonder sometimes if in the back of our mind we begin to build up some level of expectation as to how we should be feeling at 3, 6, 9 months etc.. At times the reality versus the expectation may be a little disappointing. I understand that healing takes a long time, PAWS and so on and that alcohol is a depressant. But, nonalcoholic folks can be deal with anxiety/dread/melancholy. I read a quote from Dolly Parten once that she generally woke up happy and expected a good day unless something happened to change it....and if it did she dealt with it and moved on. I tend to be the opposite....and that's been the case for me since before alcohol. I'm going to work hard to remain sober, but after a period of time I'm going to consider a visit to my doctor to investigate my options concerning my often blue outlook. I'm thinking it may be two separate but intertwined issues for me.
I hope you feel better and the week treats you well.
I hope you feel better and the week treats you well.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
FreeOwl,
What's the issue with going forward in step work? Step 3 is starting to get into meat of program. Is this a sponsor thing or do you feel your not ready? Since you posted "only" on step two, sounds like some frustration perhaps?
When I did step 3 I memorized the 3rd step prayer - still use it daily. It was enlightening and released a lot of the feelings you seem to be having. Willingness to be willing is all that's required.....
peace
fly
Fly
What's the issue with going forward in step work? Step 3 is starting to get into meat of program. Is this a sponsor thing or do you feel your not ready? Since you posted "only" on step two, sounds like some frustration perhaps?
When I did step 3 I memorized the 3rd step prayer - still use it daily. It was enlightening and released a lot of the feelings you seem to be having. Willingness to be willing is all that's required.....
peace
fly
Fly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks fromadistance. Yeah.... I have consciously and outwardly always been generally positive. I really have focused on things working out and being ok....
but inside, for a long long time, I have battled a general sense of dread.
It seems to go in waves and maybe that's just being human.
It also seems from what a lot of people around here (I'm in a northern latitude) tell me that this could also be related to seasonal affective disorder. I'm also under a LOT of pressure to find a new job and it's not going well. Also my lady is under a lot of stress and that's impacting her and sometimes my reaction to her stress is leading to more stress for me. So, there are a lot of elements going on all at once.
I also think that if over time - perhaps another 8-12 months of work - if I have cleared a lot of the sobriety hurdles but am still feeling these bouts, perhaps there is something more going on. For now, I want to deal with it as naturally as possible through the steps, meetings, counseling, exercise, nutrition and lifestyle.
Flynbuy - I'm just working the steps at my speed. For several months, I didn't really "DO" the steps. I mean, I did admit I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable... many times. But it wasn't until about 6 months that I actually worked my way through a comprehensive step one workbook with my sponsor and that process took time. He said that was OK, and actually he recommended that the process take time. I didn't sit down and do it all at once, I did one or two questions at a time, over many weeks. And in between the writing, the process brought up a lot of things that caused me to reflect and really see my life of alcohol and drug use. I think that time was important for me.
The step two workbook was shorter and less time consuming. I actually finished it this morning. It was pretty straightforward because I have believed for a long time now in a higher power. Understanding and being close to and being comfortable really asking for and opening myself to that power's "help" is the next step and while I do try - I still feel a little wierd and uncertain with that. However, I am willing.
Basically, I'm just taking it as I can, as I am called to and in my own time, but taking it seriously and trying to really make each step thorough and engaged.
but inside, for a long long time, I have battled a general sense of dread.
It seems to go in waves and maybe that's just being human.
It also seems from what a lot of people around here (I'm in a northern latitude) tell me that this could also be related to seasonal affective disorder. I'm also under a LOT of pressure to find a new job and it's not going well. Also my lady is under a lot of stress and that's impacting her and sometimes my reaction to her stress is leading to more stress for me. So, there are a lot of elements going on all at once.
I also think that if over time - perhaps another 8-12 months of work - if I have cleared a lot of the sobriety hurdles but am still feeling these bouts, perhaps there is something more going on. For now, I want to deal with it as naturally as possible through the steps, meetings, counseling, exercise, nutrition and lifestyle.
Flynbuy - I'm just working the steps at my speed. For several months, I didn't really "DO" the steps. I mean, I did admit I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable... many times. But it wasn't until about 6 months that I actually worked my way through a comprehensive step one workbook with my sponsor and that process took time. He said that was OK, and actually he recommended that the process take time. I didn't sit down and do it all at once, I did one or two questions at a time, over many weeks. And in between the writing, the process brought up a lot of things that caused me to reflect and really see my life of alcohol and drug use. I think that time was important for me.
The step two workbook was shorter and less time consuming. I actually finished it this morning. It was pretty straightforward because I have believed for a long time now in a higher power. Understanding and being close to and being comfortable really asking for and opening myself to that power's "help" is the next step and while I do try - I still feel a little wierd and uncertain with that. However, I am willing.
Basically, I'm just taking it as I can, as I am called to and in my own time, but taking it seriously and trying to really make each step thorough and engaged.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
wow Freeowl, thanks for posting this. I feel the same way lately. And with my spouse going through a lot of stress it magnifies mine. I'm worried more about her than myself. But I did notice the past week or so I have been feeling down. It started when I returned to this house after being gone for a couple weeks. I know I'll snap out of it. And tomorrow will be my 10 month date. Interesting from the responses that what I am experiencing seems 'normal'.
I also noticed that I have been quite busy trying to just live life and have gotten away from working on myself.
Thanks all who replied.
I also noticed that I have been quite busy trying to just live life and have gotten away from working on myself.
Thanks all who replied.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
I also think that if over time - perhaps another 8-12 months of work - if I have cleared a lot of the sobriety hurdles but am still feeling these bouts, perhaps there is something more going on. For now, I want to deal with it as naturally as possible through the steps, meetings, counseling, exercise, nutrition and lifestyle..
And, I agree about the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I know we have only a few more weeks before the leaves will be gone from the trees and winter will begin to set in. One thing I do to counteract that is to get outside and be active.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Free Owl,
Could I accuse you of being a little like me? I'm still looking for the bottom to fall out on most days but praying that I can hold on. This is the longest I've been sober in a very long time and I am quite frankly afraid of losing it. These past almost ten months have been the best of my life yet still I remember the rush of the burning liquid drain down my throat. It finally came to just drinking cuz I had to. It finally came to the cry of help for myself. Finally God came to my rescue. I still count each day with gratitude and pray for another one to fill up my days. I am still not sure where I'm headed but afraid to ever go back where I came from. I am giving in to the faith of my God because He knows what I can accomplish. You can do the same.
Hang in there for the best ride of your life.
Could I accuse you of being a little like me? I'm still looking for the bottom to fall out on most days but praying that I can hold on. This is the longest I've been sober in a very long time and I am quite frankly afraid of losing it. These past almost ten months have been the best of my life yet still I remember the rush of the burning liquid drain down my throat. It finally came to just drinking cuz I had to. It finally came to the cry of help for myself. Finally God came to my rescue. I still count each day with gratitude and pray for another one to fill up my days. I am still not sure where I'm headed but afraid to ever go back where I came from. I am giving in to the faith of my God because He knows what I can accomplish. You can do the same.
Hang in there for the best ride of your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by LizH
Had to reply to this thread since the title conveyed how I am feeling. Quit 9/1 and derailed this past Sat with three glasses of wine.
The self-loathing is hard to contain and I am trying very hard not to hate myself as that makes starting over very hard. I would normally just throw in the towel however I have learned that I love the sober feeling and so here I am again. Day 2!
Liz
The self-loathing is hard to contain and I am trying very hard not to hate myself as that makes starting over very hard. I would normally just throw in the towel however I have learned that I love the sober feeling and so here I am again. Day 2!
Liz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks everyone.
I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments. They each give me something more by way of growth and experience and comfort.
I shared all of this at a meeting today and felt a little bit unburdened... Sharing here, this discussion, sharing there, the comments that followed; it all helped.
Living life sober is perhaps a little like coming back from outer space. The re-entry to the atmosphere of emotions can burn intensely after all those years floating around above them.
I know I will adjust and find that along with these more challenging feelings will come ever greater joy and love and fun and bliss as well. This is
Being Human. It's the pure juice of life - without the haze over it. And for that, and all of you, I'm grateful.
I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments. They each give me something more by way of growth and experience and comfort.
I shared all of this at a meeting today and felt a little bit unburdened... Sharing here, this discussion, sharing there, the comments that followed; it all helped.
Living life sober is perhaps a little like coming back from outer space. The re-entry to the atmosphere of emotions can burn intensely after all those years floating around above them.
I know I will adjust and find that along with these more challenging feelings will come ever greater joy and love and fun and bliss as well. This is
Being Human. It's the pure juice of life - without the haze over it. And for that, and all of you, I'm grateful.
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