PurpleKnight

No harm in putting some things on hold to focus on you and nothing else.

There's great strength and courage in being able to realise and follow through on it!!

Hang in there Nuu!!

Briar

I agree you should focus on yourself right now. Save your energy for your own journey. Don't waste it on someone else's drama.

biminiblue

I don't know who Patsy is

But there are a lot of gifs of her

I don't dare pick one, though. Because I don't know who she is or what they are about.

#popculturefail




Good job, Nuu. Have a lovely Nuu Saturday, doing stuff you haven't gotten to do since he's been around on the weekends, like walks in nature or folding laundry. Meditative stuff. I love folding laundry though, so maybe I'm projecting.

trachemys

bimi, google Absolutely Fabulous

A BBC show made for people like us

Nuudawn

Thanks guys. Yes this was a new relationship as opposed the the crazy one I broke up with when I first got sober. He was someone I knew from school. And he is not a bad man. Something went horribly sideways after intimacy and well..I just don't have the strength to hang in their in let him get himself figured. I honestly think he's freaking out and distancing himself due to his own intimacy issues. I made a mistake. I never should have gone on the first date. My life was in too much upheaval and my sobriety too knew. He knew I was sober ..but he didn't know the extent of it really. We didn't talk as much about the things we should have talked about. We both just wanted to pretend everything was rosy and we were destined for old age together. He is a good man.

This is me...this is me not being able to handle something probably relatively normal. This is him getting spooked. And this is me getting terrified. I have too much to do. We were foolish and well...pretending we could still be as fresh and naive as kids back in high school..
But instead life and love previous has given us landmines within...
We stepped on eachothers...
And exploded.

soberlicious

Ok, I see. I was thinking it was that one.

But even though it's a different one, do you see yourself repeating similar patterns of behavior? I ask because that was my problem. I had the same relationship over and over, but with different people. When I stopped some of the unhealthier patterns, the people I attracted and became attracted to began to change.

But that said...even after four years of therapy, intimate relationships can still be challenging for me. So, there it is.

Nuudawn

Can I see my terror with new relationships? Yup.
Did a year on therapy with this subject myself.
The ex of before was..a broken addict.
The gentleman I have been seeing for the past 2 months..is a "normie". A good, kind, well raised man.
But did I go for some sort of intimacy phobic gentleman? Yup. Always do.
Water seeks its own level.

I solved my intimacy issue with drinking.
My best guess? This gentleman solves his with his busy overscheduled life.
We all have our "ism"s. Even his last text to me was something to the effect that it was the first night all week he got home from work/coaching before 10 (implying this was the reason he hasn't had a chance to connect).
He told me his "busyness" has ALWAYS been a problem in his relationships and that he is not going to stop being busy. He was very defensive about it.
If it's always a problem...ya..than perhaps it's actually HIS problem. Othen than the text I sent him when I was feeling vulnerable ..after intimacy.. I haven't asked a damn thing from him. I had no problem with his busy life. I'm busy enough recovering and I enjoy my own company.

trachemys

Letsee, highlight and delete that part...highlight and delete the other part....


There ya go.

soberlicious

I can relate.

If you think about it, a broken addict and an overscheduled "normie" are both unavailable types, aren't they? Sometimes when we look below the surface we see commonalities that aren't apparent to the naked eye. Something about me just kept attracting the same no matter how "different" they appear on the outside. I even date both genders, and still end up finding people with the same traits.

Lola23

Oh Nuu.... (((HUGS)) to you.

Relationships are so tough.

These are times I wish we all lived in the same little town somewhere...I would pick you up to go have tea and cake and talk through it all.

Hang in there girl.

biminiblue

^dis.

I don't think it's possible to sort all this in the beginning, though. It takes a lot of time together to figure all this out. I also think rushing things is a bad idea.

That said, I've been happily single for 25 years. Perhaps I should STFU. I take "not rushing things" to epic levels.

Venecia

Count me in. At least in our wishes.

Hope there is tea and cake somewhere in your day, Nuu.

Ptcapote

Ah, Nuu, I totally get where you are. As a matter of fact, I was pretty close to that point again just a few days ago and was just about to step back into it tonight.

Why? Because I am just like what Soberlicious described and while I have done some damn hard work on myself in the past 20 months, I still go for the same guy...over and over and over again. This last guy, like your guy, also had intimacy issues. And, quite frankly, they were issues that I have never had the experience of a dude having...so naturally I blamed it on myself and spent the next six months (the first three months were great) trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. Because, hell, it HAD to be me, right? Couldn't be that he was screwed up.

And here Soberlicious' words are so very sage: water seeks its own level. All of my insecurities, albeit different manifestations, found a yucky match with his insecurities, and we slowly danced our way into hyper-analyses, fight-a-minute, hell. Or at least I did. Because I had to know what was wrong. And, most importantly, I had to FIX IT.

Well, guess what? Until I fix my own junk? I am definitely going to keep attracting the same type of dude, again and again. And, for real, I am sick of men who are a mess. So I gotta fix my mess so I attract something different.

But the urge to open the door a crack, take a peek, see if maybe, just maybe, there was something that was left unresolved or some answer left on the table that I missed? Holy hell is that a strong thing for me right now. I was beginning to engage again when I came here, read your thread, read what Soberlicious said, and jumped back down from the Crazy Train.

This place is magic. Tonight (thankfully I am far, far away from said dysfunctional former partner) I needed to read exactly what you wrote and exactly what Soberlicious said. In addition to all the other good advice here.

Thank you Ladies. You saved me from doing something that was no damn good for me.

Now, you too, Nuu. It's NO. DAMN. GOOD.

Stay strong, I'm with ya in spirit.

EndGameNYC

First of all...Knock it off!

You make it sound as though you were on an acid trip or otherwise going through some sort of psychotic process.

Sorry to break the news, but you're neither an emotional cripple nor a toxic relationship partner. In either of those cases, you might be content to never have attempted love again, and with good reason. So the bad news is that you're entirely capable of having most of your needs met in a relationship, and you cannot opt to hide from this.

Perhaps the only shortcut to intimacy is both people surviving an extremely traumatic event with each other. (Which may or may not have been the case in this instance.) Many have attempted to get to that simultaneously hallowed and terrifying place quickly (or sidestep it completely), and always with bad results. It seems that each of you may have posed a threat to the other's defense against intimacy. Welcome to the human race. On the hierarchy of human experiences, risking interpersonal intimacy should be within the top three. He put on his "busy" suit, and you blocked his number. Where are the police when you need them?

Only you can decide whether or not and to what extent your attempt at exploring the "final frontier...where no one has gone before" has been worth it for you or not. Yet all this emotional chaos may have better prepared you for your next great adventure. I mean, really, wasn't all this very exciting, even invigorating, for you at times? Have you lost your job, your dignity or your life as a result of allowing yourself to be vulnerable? My therapist used to call such events FLEs...effing learning experiences. And though such experiences can be universally beneficial, few among us place them on our Christmas lists. At least, and mercifully for you, you didn't continue this dance for sometimes hopeful, sometimes excruciating, years. And there would be no shame were you pick things up with him again down the line.

I've more passively than otherwise avoided involvement in romance since my XGF kicked me out about four-and-a-half years ago during my relapse. She was then, and a long time before we finally go together, "the one" for me, though there were at least two other women earlier in my life who also fit that particular bill. But Patricia was going to be the woman with whom I not only grew older, but much happier for her being with me. I'm still heartbroken over it all, but not at all to the extent I once was. Perhaps that's one reason why I haven't found the urge or the motivation to venture again into what we often euphemistically refer to as "the dating game?" I don't know, and haven't given much time or thought to it, but I'm not at all unhappy about it either.

Okay, so now I've lost my place...

Though I do believe that love is a kind of madness, it isn't necessarily a pathological state or condition. When people talk about chemistry between two people, they're often referring to the crazy-good feelings they have when they're with someone new (or even just when they're thinking about the other person), though lurking underneath is an abiding and predatory sense of dread, decked out with talons, fangs and razor blades. A haunted house where the "recommended donation" is a complete loss of self, and that you won't find in any travel brochure.

Perhaps the most important rule when beginning any new relationship is to survive it. But if we ask for or hope for nothing more, then I'm not at all certain that the risk is worth it.

Waterfalls2014

Nuu, you did the right thing. I've always heard when a guy wants to be with you, he will do whatever he can to make that happen. If you start to feel a disconnect there's nothing wrong with doing whatever you can to get on with your life and not look back.

Nuudawn

Oh Endgame...mucho gratitude for your thoughts (and the heartfelt chuckles I had as well).

Everyone just needs to breathe sometimes.

So ya..I've used drinking to "check out" and well, perhaps I used "call blocker" to check out. But I know I can breathe right now. I can go about the stuff I have to do over the next few days.

One way or another, everything is going to be okay. I truly and deeply know that. With...or without him.

"Someone call the police"..lol

EndGameNYC

Isn't it great that laughter often is the best medicine?

soberlicious

Ptcapote, I'm glad my words were helpful to you. The sage words "water seeks it's own level" came from nuudawn, though. And she is so right.

I agree with endgame. You are not broken, or incapable, or anything else. Struggling with intimate relationships is common.

Nuudawn

Thank you all so, so much.
When folks sit in those AA rooms and get that glazed over look about the undying gratitude they have for the program that got/kept them sober...I get it.
With NO discredit to AA...

^^^^ THIS ..all of the above. This community. The jokes, the smiles..the Patsy (and yes I am cool : )..the song threads..the whatever...

THIS..keeps me sober.

Meraviglioso

How are you feeling today Nuu? I've been thinking of you.

Oh and great stuff Endgame, your honesty and insights are so refreshing and helpful for all that read them.