I bailed on the new..whatever it was.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I bailed on the new..whatever it was.
Didn't go to the city. Plans fell thru. Returned my former amour's text this morning. I was light and lovely. I didn't hear from him all day. We have spent every weekend together hanging out almost from the get go. By 7:30 tonight I was a wreck. My emotions CANNOT be dictated by my phone right now..whether he contacts me or he don't.
I'm not strong enough for this right now. I have too much to sort in my own life. I still have resolved my business issues or my lease or many other unattended things. My part time money gig is ending on monday and I need a new one. I have too much to do than be consumed by all this. My sobriety and smo-briety is too damn new.
I blocked his number. I'm sorry. I'm a coward. I will not know if he contacts me..or he doesn't. I may remove him from my blacklist in a few days..I may not. I just can't handle this right now. I really really can't.
I'm not strong enough for this right now. I have too much to sort in my own life. I still have resolved my business issues or my lease or many other unattended things. My part time money gig is ending on monday and I need a new one. I have too much to do than be consumed by all this. My sobriety and smo-briety is too damn new.
I blocked his number. I'm sorry. I'm a coward. I will not know if he contacts me..or he doesn't. I may remove him from my blacklist in a few days..I may not. I just can't handle this right now. I really really can't.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Good for you for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself. There is a reason they are called ex's.
Sorry in advance for being vulgar, but it's like trying to put a bowel movement back into your colon. Just flush already and don't look back.
Sorry in advance for being vulgar, but it's like trying to put a bowel movement back into your colon. Just flush already and don't look back.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Love is such a high risk, high reward undertaking. As your SR friend I would like to remind you of how accomplished you are in your quest for genuine self love. Yes, you share some of your heart space with the new whatever it was...but all is not lost. You are still the same beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful sober woman on a quest.
We never thought that actively living our lives, as our best selves to the best of our ability would be a straight shot, did we? So now let's grab some ice cream, sit on the couch wearing toasty warm sweats and turn something funny on the TV while you talk it out. No whirling dervish Nuu tonight - you are doing what you need to do and you are among friends.
We never thought that actively living our lives, as our best selves to the best of our ability would be a straight shot, did we? So now let's grab some ice cream, sit on the couch wearing toasty warm sweats and turn something funny on the TV while you talk it out. No whirling dervish Nuu tonight - you are doing what you need to do and you are among friends.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte 
Love is such a high risk, high reward undertaking. As your SR friend I would like to remind you of how accomplished you are in your quest for genuine self love. Yes, you share some of your heart space with the new whatever it was...but all is not lost. You are still the same beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful sober woman on a quest.
We never thought that actively living our lives, as our best selves to the best of our ability would be a straight shot, did we? So now let's grab some ice cream, sit on the couch wearing toasty warm sweats and turn something funny on the TV while you talk it out. No whirling dervish Nuu tonight - you are doing what you need to do and you are among friends.
We never thought that actively living our lives, as our best selves to the best of our ability would be a straight shot, did we? So now let's grab some ice cream, sit on the couch wearing toasty warm sweats and turn something funny on the TV while you talk it out. No whirling dervish Nuu tonight - you are doing what you need to do and you are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Nuu, I speak from the relatively safe place of a 38 year marriage (I hasten to add I was very young when we married 
) but, as another woman in recovery, I am greatly relieved that you have put this new relationship aside from your current main focus. I found it hard enough to sustain an old beloved relationship through recovery -- to initiate and sustain a new one would paralyse me.
It may be that this fellow will turn out to be someone you do want in your life later on or down the track but right now, no, you cannot be living a newly sober life while watching your phone for messages.
Embrace what you need to do for you and embrace the people who come into your life in friendship and support without holding out on you. You are too smart, funny and loveable not to have an enduring relationship when the time is right Nuu.
) but, as another woman in recovery, I am greatly relieved that you have put this new relationship aside from your current main focus. I found it hard enough to sustain an old beloved relationship through recovery -- to initiate and sustain a new one would paralyse me.It may be that this fellow will turn out to be someone you do want in your life later on or down the track but right now, no, you cannot be living a newly sober life while watching your phone for messages.
Embrace what you need to do for you and embrace the people who come into your life in friendship and support without holding out on you. You are too smart, funny and loveable not to have an enduring relationship when the time is right Nuu.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Nuu Big hugs to you. That was such a tough decision and such a BRAVE one. I am glad to see you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
While I don't have 38 years of experience like Marcher, I am in a very stable, healthy and loving relationship. Yes despite this there have been moments during my recovery that I have just felt the need to be alone and focus solely on myself and my sobriety. I say that to remind you that even great things can be a stressful weight during this delicate time. If the relationship was causing you even more stress that the normal ins and outs of romance then you definitely have made the right decision.
Good for you for taking care of yourself the way you need to and the way you deserve.
I know that just knowing you made the right decision does not necessarily make it easier though. Hang in there.
Here are two quotes that I have indelibly woven into my mind, they might sound insipid but they get me through tough spots sometimes:
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
The salts of life make the fruits taste sweeter.
Hope they help you like the often do me.
While I don't have 38 years of experience like Marcher, I am in a very stable, healthy and loving relationship. Yes despite this there have been moments during my recovery that I have just felt the need to be alone and focus solely on myself and my sobriety. I say that to remind you that even great things can be a stressful weight during this delicate time. If the relationship was causing you even more stress that the normal ins and outs of romance then you definitely have made the right decision.
Good for you for taking care of yourself the way you need to and the way you deserve.
I know that just knowing you made the right decision does not necessarily make it easier though. Hang in there.
Here are two quotes that I have indelibly woven into my mind, they might sound insipid but they get me through tough spots sometimes:
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
The salts of life make the fruits taste sweeter.
Hope they help you like the often do me.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi nuu,
I think you are confused. Blocking his number does not make you a coward. Quite the opposite actually. Sitting back and basing your happiness and well being on his actions is the weaker action. Letting him decide how you feel will never bring you happiness. The action you took was hard, and brave.
I know first hand that relationships can be just as addictive as substances. So much so, that I compromised responsibilities and other relationships, I compromised my financial situation, I compromised my self worth, just to be with a person who abused me. Sounds weird doesn't it? It was exactly like my relationship with alcohol.
So ending it was the same process as quitting drinking for me. Blocking him was complete abstinence. Continuing to see him a little here and there was akin to moderating, and we all know how that ends. And of course, just like with booze, my AV would come up with all kinds of reasons why I should contact him, take his calls, listen to what he was telling me, just be "friends", etc. again I did the same thing I did with quitting my substance addiction. These type of thoughts:
"Things will be different."
"He's learned, he's grown"
" I can handle seeing him"
" I can handle sleeping with him and not becoming emotionally involved"
"We will just remain friends"
All those thoughts were AV. I recognized that and said no every time. No contact with him helped me so much because just like drinking a little bit, it can be deceiving. If I were to drink a couple of glasses of wine, I would be fine for a short honeymoon period. But very soon, I will be waking up in the psych ward again.
I know this to be true with drinking. I know this to be equally true with that relationship.
I promise you in time you will be involved in a relationship that feels less like an addiction and more like something comfortable. For a woman like me, that was a problem in itself at first, but it really is worth it to give up the roller coaster rides.
I'm editing to add: I didn't realize this was a 'newish' relationship. I'm thinking you had a bad relationship before? Or maybe I have you mixed up with someone else...
Sorry if my post doesn't apple to your current situation. Xo
I think you are confused. Blocking his number does not make you a coward. Quite the opposite actually. Sitting back and basing your happiness and well being on his actions is the weaker action. Letting him decide how you feel will never bring you happiness. The action you took was hard, and brave.
I know first hand that relationships can be just as addictive as substances. So much so, that I compromised responsibilities and other relationships, I compromised my financial situation, I compromised my self worth, just to be with a person who abused me. Sounds weird doesn't it? It was exactly like my relationship with alcohol.
So ending it was the same process as quitting drinking for me. Blocking him was complete abstinence. Continuing to see him a little here and there was akin to moderating, and we all know how that ends. And of course, just like with booze, my AV would come up with all kinds of reasons why I should contact him, take his calls, listen to what he was telling me, just be "friends", etc. again I did the same thing I did with quitting my substance addiction. These type of thoughts:
"Things will be different."
"He's learned, he's grown"
" I can handle seeing him"
" I can handle sleeping with him and not becoming emotionally involved"
"We will just remain friends"
All those thoughts were AV. I recognized that and said no every time. No contact with him helped me so much because just like drinking a little bit, it can be deceiving. If I were to drink a couple of glasses of wine, I would be fine for a short honeymoon period. But very soon, I will be waking up in the psych ward again.
I know this to be true with drinking. I know this to be equally true with that relationship.
I promise you in time you will be involved in a relationship that feels less like an addiction and more like something comfortable. For a woman like me, that was a problem in itself at first, but it really is worth it to give up the roller coaster rides.
I'm editing to add: I didn't realize this was a 'newish' relationship. I'm thinking you had a bad relationship before? Or maybe I have you mixed up with someone else...
Sorry if my post doesn't apple to your current situation. Xo
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Nuu, there is much good advice for you here, and you know that you are doing the right things for yourself, even though it hurts and is a bit scary right now. You are growing and you are moving forward. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Nuu, your decision to step away from this relationship was a courageous one. While there is no such thing as a smooth sailing romantic relationship, a new relationship shouldn't be causing stress and anxiety.
You are an incredibly bright, insightful, funny and strong woman with a wealth of goodness to bring to a relationship. Somewhere out there is a man who is wondering where in the world Nuu is and when he is finally going to finally you.
You are an incredibly bright, insightful, funny and strong woman with a wealth of goodness to bring to a relationship. Somewhere out there is a man who is wondering where in the world Nuu is and when he is finally going to finally you.
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