Mrrryah1

And yet - while I recognize & understand this fact to be true - how on earth do I now lower such expectations???

This post is going to sound completely #firstworldproblems and I know that. I am about to sound like a whiny little spoiled brat, and I see that. But it's directly affecting my emotional sobriety at this moment so I'll post anyways.

One thing that has always driven me nuts about - erg - my mother - is that she constantly goes out of her way to control everything in her life - and then guilts the rest of us for "taking advantage" of her or not expressing "enough gratitude" for everything she does, bla bla freakin bla - it's always a guilt trip about something - poor me poor me. I try not to get sucked in.

I had the upsetting realization today that I have been doing the exact same thing with my partner.

Short story - it's my birthday this weekend. Last month was his birthday. I always go out of my way to plan something he will really like. Pre-order a cake, book at his favorite restaurant, plan an activity that he will like. Find him a present that he will appreciate. etc. etc.

A few weeks ago he asked what we were going to do for my birthday. I said - I want to stay out of it completely & let you plan it! All I want is to go to such-and-such restaurant, I can't wait, I'm excited. He says of course "don't worry babe! I got this!"

So he tells me today (2 days before) that he can't get reservations where I want, and he doesn't know what we should do. Well duh - of course you can't - 2 days in advance. And wait - weren't you planning this?

I don't care where we eat or what we do to be honest - that's not the point. I feel like he doesn't care about me when he doesn't reciprocate my efforts to make things special. If he cared he would put effort in - right?

It's not about this specific birthday instance either - this just seems to be a huge reoccurring theme in our relationship - he drops the ball any time he's given an opportunity to handle something, and I constantly feel like he doesn't care.

Not to mention - he doesn't seem to recognize or appreciate all the efforts I put in for him.

Sigh.

I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I sound like my mother.

Having this knowledge, but also not knowing how to change how I feel about it feels like the worst place to be.

I KNOW that if I want to be happy I need to lower my expectations of other people. They don't have to behave like I do. I have no control over other people, places, things. Why am I not grateful that he's trying to plan something period? Whether it's last minute or not - boohoo. Oh - I don't get to go to the restaurant I wanted. Why don't I be grateful that I have the luxury of being able to go out to eat period?

Thinking all of these thoughts is not working. I still feel anger and hurt inside. Has anyone else had SUCCESS in lowering their expectations of others, practicing gratitude, and getting rid of this "poor me" attitude?

Of course my AV is feeding on this - telling me I should drink at him. But thankfully that voice is getting quieter and quieter as each sober voice passes.

EndGameNYC

You might want to check out something I posted on another thread:

The Benefits of Bad Relationships | Psychology Today

Mrrryah1

Wow thanks EndGame. Very fitting.

Soberwolf

Mrrryah this sounds like typical bloke syndrone the whole ' i got this babe' i knew where it was going

in a nutshell he mucked up after saying he had this and then looked at you for answers

my solution: talk to your man explain it a bit like you did here there may be a genuine reason he messed up, talk and both do something that brought love to you 2 in the first place theme park for example ?

happy birthday mrrryah you are doing really amazing and if i was there id take you roller skating lol

you have made such beautiful progress i think your well within your rights to have a great sober birthday

big massive hugs mrrryah

Meraviglioso

First, I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I too feel like such a little brat when I complain about "little" things, but it is ok. You are allowed to feel upset by what upsets you, it doesn't make you a bad person.
I hope that your birthday will be special no matter what you do.

I wanted to put a bug in your ear about your thoughts on expectations. Instead of lowering your expectations, what about letting go of them all together?
It is kind of a difficult concept to wrap your mind around. I had a lot of trouble with it, but I have made a lot of progress with it and have found that I don't really have to deal with feeling let down anymore.
I struggled because I would start thinking "but wait, I have to have some expectations on how I will be treated, I expect and deserve respect…. etc. etc." But it goes back to what you said in your next sentence. You have no control over other people. You don't. And that is a good thing when it comes to a healthy relationship. You cannot expect (whether high or low expectations) anything. You can only control your own actions according to your feelings. If you are hurt, that is ok to feel that and it is ok to react the way you see fit- tell him you are hurt, explain what you wanted, leave him and find someone else, do nothing and seethe inside. But expectations only line yourself up for disappointment and put unfair standards onto other people.
You have to decide if you can accept your boyfriend the way he is, which may include the facts that he is not one to verbalize his appreciation and he is not good at organizing surprises at the level that you are.
****There is nothing wrong with desiring someone that will provide those things, nothing at all. But it is also not fair to "expect" someone to change who they are.
I have had to work through some of my own stuff in regards to this. Once I let go of any and all expectations I found my personal relationships improved drastically. I also felt overall more satisfied and secure. I know now that when my partner does something for me he does so because HE wants to. That is a thrilling and exciting, satisfying and comforting feeling. He doesn't do anything because he is trying to meet my expectations- I don't have any of him- he does it because it is what he feels.


I really, really hope this came across in the tone I intended, which was sympathetic and caring. I completely understand what you are feeling. Not that long ago I was in the same spot. But I've done a 180 and it feels great to shed the weight of worrying about other people's actions.

A big hug.

NorCaliGal

Wow....almost the same thing happening to me right now. BF's birthday was the first of the month. Gave him great gifts that took thought and pre-planning. My birthday is this weekend. He hasn't even mentioned it with the exception of a few weeks ago saying "I thought about getting concert tickets for your birthday, but you're so good at getting them..." (so because I'm good at snagging great concert tix for us he won't even try.)

BTW, I'm still waiting for my Christmas gift, dinner out at one of my favorite restaurants. Maybe this hasn't happened because I'm so good at making restaurant reservations (I know, snark snark snark)

Anyway, I feel your pain. And I don't think it's wrong to want to be treated special and feel appreciated occasionally. Now if that were my everyday expectation, yes I have something to work on...

NCG

Mrrryah1

Thanks Meraviglioso for taking the time to write that post.

Letting go of expectations all together. Wow. Initially it sounds impossible. But logically it makes sense, everything you are saying.

I hope with practice, it gets easier. It seems like one minute I can let it go, for a minute, and the very next minute my brain is back to "But - I've been wronged! Not fair not fair! I deserve this and that!" back forth back forth. Kind of like the mental arguing I experienced when I was debating over whether I deserved a drink at the end of the day.

Your tone was very sympathetic and caring so no worries there. And even if it wasn't - sometimes I appreciate the "cut to the point" feedback I hear on the site.

Thanks again.

Mrrryah1

Lol - are we dating the same guy? Nope - you're in Cali.

I get that whole "but, you're so good at it...." too. Come on. Really!?

I don't remember agreeing to adopt a child when I started dating him.

Happy birthday to you anyways!... October 18th??? That's my special day!

NorCaliGal

Yep the 18th!

Happy Birthday to US!!!

Hawks

The most that you can spend on anyone is time.

Take time to just be with him.

Nonsensical

Ummmm....are we married? My wife and I have had discussions on this topic many many times.

Here is how I see it: Our ancestors were hunters and gatherers. But some were hunters and some were gatherers - not many were both. In those terms, I am a hunter and she is a gatherer.

Gatherers had to be able to see everything at once and detect the things of value within the broad spectrum of everything available. They had to look across the vast plain and spot the bush with the berries on it. It was a great success to come back to camp carrying stuff you found - stuff everyone needed to survive. It was heroic gathering.

In modern times gatherers can multi-task and they tend to like to shop, and they especially like to shop for gifts. They love nothing better than to watch someone open their gift and say, "OMG! You found the perfect thing!" It validates their skill as a heroic gatherer.

Hunters had to have focus. They had to maintain that focus for extended periods while they stalked their prey. They could not be distracted or they would miss the kill and the camp would go hungry.

Hunters couldn't care less about gift buying. Hunters almost never buy each other a gift, and when they do it is usually liquor or a sleeve of golf balls. The receiving hunter shows almost no emotion at having received a gift and the gifting hunter doesn't care. Those same two hunters will talk for 25 years about a big fish that was caught, and the enthusiasm never dies. Hunters long remember a display of excellent hunting skills.

When a gatherer gives a hunter a gift the gatherer expects the hunter to react like a gatherer. The hunter doesn't, though, because hunters don't appreciate the gathering skill. Hunters appreciate the hunting skill - which is focus. What the hunter really wants is the gatherer's focused attention (usually in bed). The hunter isn't distracted by ringing phones, car alarms, or crying babies, and we want our gatherer to be the same way. What a gift!

Nothing is more perilous to the hunter than having to get a gift for a gatherer. Especially if that gatherer is his spouse. We don't have the gathering skill, and we know we are about to be in trouble for not having it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Soberpotamus

And that is why gatherers sometimes make great lists to give the hunter... so they can go hunt down the exact gift we want. Lol.

Nonsensical

Hunters love a pick list for gifts provided by the gatherer.

Fiona630

I am going through some of my own issues with this right now. I love the idea of letting all expectations go. I can only control myself and I can barely do that at the moment lol

Mrrryah1

So what is good about a hunter?? They like to take in bed, and they aren't good at buying presents?

Lol.

Nonsensical

I have no idea, I married a gatherer. Perhaps you should, too!

Ruby2

Happy birthday! I've had this problem. I agree with Mera in just letting go expectations. And I wholeheartedly agreed with Non's entire post which made me laugh. I don't expect gifts from my husband. If I don't expect anything I can't be disappointed. I also laughed at the posts about husbands and boyfriends leaving the arranging to the significant other because they're so good at it. My husband does that and I think in many ways it's because he's afraid that if he makes plans or arrangements I won't be happy with them. I trained him to not do it so I can't get mad at him if he doesn't.

I used to get frustrated and angry about the gift thing. Over time I realized that it all wasn't as important as someone who loved me and showed me in different ways that they cared. I had to learn to recognize what those ways were. It may not have been a "thing" after all. My husband shows his love and appreciation by doing little things. His biggest gift? Staying sober. He's an alcoholic as well.

Anyway, my two cents. Have a great birthday.

DoubleDragons

I have this problem with my husband and I have learned that very clear communication is key. He loves me and our family more than life itself and I know this. He shows this by being the most reliable, dedicated family man and provider I could ask him to be. Still, my feelings still manage to get hurt when he misses out on doing "thoughtful" things that in my mind translates to lack of intimacy. So, I spell it out very carefully why this hurts me, why these gestures are important to me, and even after being together over 25 years, why I still need to hear how much he loves me and how important I am to him. So, for about a few weeks he puts in valiant effort, which makes me feel good, and then things slowly go back to the way they were and after a while I have one of my communicative hissy fits to remind him that some of my emotional needs are important whether they feel comfortable to him or not. Bottom line, overall, we are two people who show love differently, but we love each other deeply. Communication just stops the resentments from growing. So, communicate, readjust your expectations if overall, this is a good man who you can see spending forever with, and try to focus on all of the positives he brings to the table.

Aellyce

Ha ha, I am a woman and definitely identify more with the hunter role than the gatherer. And I'm most typically drawn to and in relationships with other hunter kinds, so am more familiar with how two of those like to please each-other, it's true usually not via buying gifts

But seriously, I agree with everyone suggesting letting go of expectations and focus on result and outcome in a relationship. High expectations usually get in the way of satisfaction and finding fulfillment. And they can really drain the whole relationship, because the partners will be happy and there will not be harmony.

Jupiters

I really need to work on this NO expectation thing you speak of as well.

ps - Happy BDay M