PurpleKnight

Seems to be a common occurrence in life I am growing to learn more and more, whether it be in relationships, at work, in friendships, people's expectations not aligning.

I don't think it's to do with people "not caring" as much, people simply have a different skill set for planning, organisation, innovation for ideas to make things seem special, putting thought into an event or occasion, it seems to be a subjective thing, what may seem going all out and making things special can fall very short of another person's definition.

Greater understanding of this has lowered my frustration levels with people, but also as already suggested communication, what we want someone to do may not happen if we don't express that for the already mentioned reason of different perspectives.

NorCaliGal

I may indulge in a "communicative hissy fit" (love this!) before getting back to trying to manage my expectations.....lol!

NCG

littlefish

I think with relationships its probably a good idea to accept when your partner is just lousy at doing some things. And hopefully can be counted on for doing other things well. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't care, It sounds like the planning for a birthday is just not something he is good at.

The topic you are addressing is a frequent point of disagreement in a lot of marriages: the division of labor. You mention that your partner seems to drop the ball and doesn't fulfill his promises. Thats an issue: if he says he is going to do something he should do it. On the other hand, maybe a realistic discussion is needed about who should be doing what and if the expectations are realistic. If he is promising to do things he will never actually do, just to make you happy, well, that's pointless behavior that he should stop.
Have a realistic discussion about the shared responsibilities and who should fairly be doing what. That may not constitute lowering your expectations as much as shifting them around a little.

Notmyrealname

If you are very particular about your birthday going a certain way it makes little sense to delegate the decision making process to someone else. That is just setting your partner up to fail and setting yourself up for disappointment. It's hard enough to find a decent gift without playing event planner. His best option would have been to decline, but even then he's getting a black mark next to his name out of the deal. Best of bad options, I suppose.

I suggest next time you just tell him you're going to pick the place -- and he's picking up the check. Everyone goes home happy from that one (except his wallet).

Meraviglioso

I second the clear communication. My boyfriend is wonderful and loves me and would do anything for me. He is also not a mind reader. When we have had bumps it is because I expected something of him without clearly communicating it to him, I then felt let down when he didn't come through. When we would discuss these events he would say "just tell me, I will do almost anything, but you have to be clear with me" So, despite it not always being totally romantic, I tell him.
I used to get so frustrated inside that I would work my ass off making a wonderful meal for him and his friends, plan everything, prepare everything, clean up everything…. Then the next day when he would be leaving to go home he would walk by the bags of recycling and garbage and just leave them for me to deal with. I finally blew up when I couldn't take it anymore and he was astounded. He said "of course I'll take the garbage out, just ask me" And I went on and on about how I wanted hi to care enough to see that, he should want to help without me asking…. He was so confused. He just said "I sometimes don't notice these things, it doesn't mean I don't love you or care but it is unfair for you to be angry at me by expecting things of me and not clearly communicating them"

So now I do, I say what I want. And 99% of the time, he provides. Much easier!