So I failed again ....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 349
So I failed again ....
So I failed again ...
And I feel like a selfish @ss. I just got done reading Thatdeliveryguy's post and I feel selfish as ****.
AA tells you you are selfish, maybe they are right.
I had a stressful day and gave in, again, because I just couldn't handle the stress. I walked the dog, fought against it, blah, blah, blah.
It always seems like the "grand solution," certainly when you are used to it.
Is it? No, but what is? What takes my stress away? What makes me feel better, when I don't?
I have an appt. with my doctor next week and I have white coat hypertension. The only reason this started is because I was worried about my blood pressure in the first place because I am a drunk, so now every time I go to the doctor, drinking or no, my blood pressure shoots up. I don't want to die of a stroke and I cannot change my mind about how I feel.
It is what it is. When I see the doctor, get stressed, it is what it is. Even here, and certainly "friends" help, but I still feel how I feel. When I am stressed, that is how I feel. When I am scared ... that is how I feel. No one can change that about me. It is what it is.
But I do not know how to deal with it, obviously. When I was a kid, I used to hide behind a chair in the living room when my Dad was ranting and raving, being a drunk. I didn't deal with it then and I don't now. But what was I supposed to do? And what can I do now? I don't know if there is a grand answer here.
I am trying to stay sober for my dog and I think that most people here would think it is pathetic. I have never been married, have no children, don't have a lot I guess, except my job and pets, cat and dog. I suppose that is stupid, but if I want to go with AA's theory, than I guess mistreating my dog, not taking her for walks, is me being mean and selfish. I suppose that is dumb and stupid and sad to most of you. Which is why I haven't said anything about it until now.
Beyond that, I do not know. There is no one here on this forum that can make me get sober. No one. You help, indeed, but you cannot do it for me. I know it. It is up to me. I hate feeling like an @ss when I actually think I could be a much bigger drunk like many I have read here than I am. Help more, do more and quit thinking about my sad, pathetic self.
I could go on and on and obviously, I am drinking tonight and I hate that too. When I drink, it is like I open a door to being negative, but sometimes I feel like I need to and when I am sober, trying to be "happy," "happy," I dont' know if I am being my true self or just faking it. I actually know that I am faking it, just do not know how to feel bad, be angry, etc., without drinking. I have had an example for years (my Dad) of how to be or do the wrong thing and still be o.k.
Shrug. Anyhow. As much as I "use" this site to help me, I am not sure if in the end, it really does. If I decide to drink ...... I do. If I decide I do not want to ... I don't. There really isn't all that much in life that makes me change my mind. Of course, because of my childhood, I am used to figuring it out, the best I can, on my own and that is what I do.
Should I have given in tonight after eight days? No. But in the end, sometimes I don't know if it matters. The only thing I have to contribue to life is my Web work (I run my own business now), other than that, and my pets, what do I have? What is the point in living at all except for them? What else have I done or have been great at? Eh, not so much. Selfish, selfish, selfish me.
And there are many, many day when I get so tired of trying. My Dad told me that, six months before he died, that he was tired. So am I. I get tired of fighting for money, I get tired of feeling like a "freak" at a Dr.'s appt., I get tired of thinking that my dog and cat are all that I have, I get tired of not feeling good or happy enough for long enough.
P.S. Before any of you tell me to seek counseling, I will not do it. Just letting you know. Thanks!
And I feel like a selfish @ss. I just got done reading Thatdeliveryguy's post and I feel selfish as ****.
AA tells you you are selfish, maybe they are right.
I had a stressful day and gave in, again, because I just couldn't handle the stress. I walked the dog, fought against it, blah, blah, blah.
It always seems like the "grand solution," certainly when you are used to it.
Is it? No, but what is? What takes my stress away? What makes me feel better, when I don't?
I have an appt. with my doctor next week and I have white coat hypertension. The only reason this started is because I was worried about my blood pressure in the first place because I am a drunk, so now every time I go to the doctor, drinking or no, my blood pressure shoots up. I don't want to die of a stroke and I cannot change my mind about how I feel.
It is what it is. When I see the doctor, get stressed, it is what it is. Even here, and certainly "friends" help, but I still feel how I feel. When I am stressed, that is how I feel. When I am scared ... that is how I feel. No one can change that about me. It is what it is.
But I do not know how to deal with it, obviously. When I was a kid, I used to hide behind a chair in the living room when my Dad was ranting and raving, being a drunk. I didn't deal with it then and I don't now. But what was I supposed to do? And what can I do now? I don't know if there is a grand answer here.
I am trying to stay sober for my dog and I think that most people here would think it is pathetic. I have never been married, have no children, don't have a lot I guess, except my job and pets, cat and dog. I suppose that is stupid, but if I want to go with AA's theory, than I guess mistreating my dog, not taking her for walks, is me being mean and selfish. I suppose that is dumb and stupid and sad to most of you. Which is why I haven't said anything about it until now.
Beyond that, I do not know. There is no one here on this forum that can make me get sober. No one. You help, indeed, but you cannot do it for me. I know it. It is up to me. I hate feeling like an @ss when I actually think I could be a much bigger drunk like many I have read here than I am. Help more, do more and quit thinking about my sad, pathetic self.
I could go on and on and obviously, I am drinking tonight and I hate that too. When I drink, it is like I open a door to being negative, but sometimes I feel like I need to and when I am sober, trying to be "happy," "happy," I dont' know if I am being my true self or just faking it. I actually know that I am faking it, just do not know how to feel bad, be angry, etc., without drinking. I have had an example for years (my Dad) of how to be or do the wrong thing and still be o.k.
Shrug. Anyhow. As much as I "use" this site to help me, I am not sure if in the end, it really does. If I decide to drink ...... I do. If I decide I do not want to ... I don't. There really isn't all that much in life that makes me change my mind. Of course, because of my childhood, I am used to figuring it out, the best I can, on my own and that is what I do.
Should I have given in tonight after eight days? No. But in the end, sometimes I don't know if it matters. The only thing I have to contribue to life is my Web work (I run my own business now), other than that, and my pets, what do I have? What is the point in living at all except for them? What else have I done or have been great at? Eh, not so much. Selfish, selfish, selfish me.
And there are many, many day when I get so tired of trying. My Dad told me that, six months before he died, that he was tired. So am I. I get tired of fighting for money, I get tired of feeling like a "freak" at a Dr.'s appt., I get tired of thinking that my dog and cat are all that I have, I get tired of not feeling good or happy enough for long enough.
P.S. Before any of you tell me to seek counseling, I will not do it. Just letting you know. Thanks!
Failure Is Not An Option
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Carmichael, CA
Posts: 244
Hey Cecelia44. Bummer. If you feel the only thing you contribute to life is your work and your pets, how about volunteering? There's no shortage of volunteer opportunities.
Please don't beat yourself up more than you already have. It's not productive. Take BlissWithin's advice & try again.
Please don't beat yourself up more than you already have. It's not productive. Take BlissWithin's advice & try again.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Your post was very moving and brought a tear to my eyes. You expressed your situation beautifully and I feel your pain. I wish I knew something magical to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I do know that you are worth it. You sound like a caring and thoughtful person and you shouldn't belittle the importance of the care you provide to your dear little pets. They love and adore you and totally depend on you. Many of us have tried many times to get sober - eventually it sticks and we make it. You can too, cecelia....you can. Learn to love yourself...you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be there for your animals. A living thing dependent upon you is a good anchor.
Try this:
Look at the glass of liquid. That's all it is. Just liquid in a glass. There's some more in a bottle. It's just liquid. . . . Yet it has the power to waste away a human being - something with a heart and a mind - an active, complicated machine of life. Cells dividing. Synapses firing. Emotions raging. This amazing creation. . . . Now back to the bottle - still, simple, lifeless molecules. What a $%%@-ing waste!
Is that all there is? No. You were meant for more.
Screw your father and screw that glass of liquid.
Try this:
Look at the glass of liquid. That's all it is. Just liquid in a glass. There's some more in a bottle. It's just liquid. . . . Yet it has the power to waste away a human being - something with a heart and a mind - an active, complicated machine of life. Cells dividing. Synapses firing. Emotions raging. This amazing creation. . . . Now back to the bottle - still, simple, lifeless molecules. What a $%%@-ing waste!
Is that all there is? No. You were meant for more.
Screw your father and screw that glass of liquid.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 262
Get some sleep, be kind to yourself. You had 8 days of breathing sober air. Focus back on you ...as for your fur babies, can u hire a dog walker while you're recovering? That's what I did - made such a difference. Be well.
Sent from my iPad using SoberRecovery
Sent from my iPad using SoberRecovery
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
You have a hole in your soul.
Booze fills it temporarily, but being liquid, cannot fill it permanently, so you need to put more and more in.
Paradoxically, the more booze you put in, the bigger the hole in your soul gets.
AA doesn't just label you as "selfish " and that's it.
Chapters in the Big Book are titled
"There is a solution " (and it's not booze by the way)
And
"How it works " (not "why it works" for other people.)
It will work for you if you let it.
There is no chapter titled, "You are Selfish... Amen"
Booze fills it temporarily, but being liquid, cannot fill it permanently, so you need to put more and more in.
Paradoxically, the more booze you put in, the bigger the hole in your soul gets.
AA doesn't just label you as "selfish " and that's it.
Chapters in the Big Book are titled
"There is a solution " (and it's not booze by the way)
And
"How it works " (not "why it works" for other people.)
It will work for you if you let it.
There is no chapter titled, "You are Selfish... Amen"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 21
Cecilia, the important thing is don't give up...don't give this poison the satisfaction of thinking it's won. Get up tomorrow and start again.
I recall speaking with a longtime AA member and he told me he tried to quit so many times that he had a drawer full of one month chips. Relapse after relapse.
That same man just got his 44 year recognition a few weeks ago.
Don't ever give up
I recall speaking with a longtime AA member and he told me he tried to quit so many times that he had a drawer full of one month chips. Relapse after relapse.
That same man just got his 44 year recognition a few weeks ago.
Don't ever give up
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
It took me a long time to trust any other solution but alcohol.
I didn't feel I was strong enough to face a life full of feeling, full of stress and regular times of sadness and pain.
It's a bind because the only way to prove you are strong enough is to do it.
I did have some counselling help. I needed an expert outside perspective in the beginning because my perspective was corrupted by tears of self-abuse and self loathing.
Doing it without that will make it harder and longer I think - but not impossible.
There is support here, always
If you feel like drinking, post.
Your addicted self will not like it one bit, but you just might be able to find the courage and strength to open door B next time?
You can do this, like any of us can Cecillia. Believe that
D
I didn't feel I was strong enough to face a life full of feeling, full of stress and regular times of sadness and pain.
It's a bind because the only way to prove you are strong enough is to do it.
I did have some counselling help. I needed an expert outside perspective in the beginning because my perspective was corrupted by tears of self-abuse and self loathing.
Doing it without that will make it harder and longer I think - but not impossible.
There is support here, always
If you feel like drinking, post.
Your addicted self will not like it one bit, but you just might be able to find the courage and strength to open door B next time?
You can do this, like any of us can Cecillia. Believe that
D
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
Hugs to you!
Tomorrow is a new day. You get up and try again. Alcohol is such a depressant. I know I get very negative when I drink. I think life is not worth it, why do I try, im an idiot, im mean then I will proceed to pick a fight with my husband for no reason or drunk text someone that pissed me off and make a huge ass out of myself.
I have quit many times. so your not alone. Just keep trying.
I grew up watching my drunk father as well. It is what it is..my favorite saying to most things after raising myself. Drunk dad, high mother. It is what it is. Your not alone.
Life IS worth living. The alcohol is telling you its not. Dont listen to it. I believe that when I quit this bad relationship I will open a new door to my sober life with endless possibilities. My goal..I want to write childrens books. I actually have a whole series of books in mind. I have all the characters and story lines. I just never do it. Why? because its hard to get published with childrens books. So when I drink I think to hell with it. What a stupid idea. It will never happen. When Im sober I think at least try. How will you ever know unless you try. Maybe your idea will be awesome. The drunk me..your idea and storyline is soooo stupid! I dont stay sober enough to have the time to sit down and write my first book. Its hard to make things happen for the good in our lives when we let alcohol hold us back.
And your pets needing you is a big thing. I love my dogs. Dogs to me are all thats pure in this world. Some are abused beyond belief and survive and can come back and give someone else so much love. People dont do that, I dont think we are capable. We hold grudges and say we move past bad things but a lot of us dont. I would much rather have a house full of pets then a house full of judging people. lol but thats just me. Maybe your calling will be to rescue animals. Id love to foster but my husband put a limit on dogs in the house. only 2.
selfish? ...you need to be selfish to take care of you! If your dog has a spot to go to the bathroom then he is fine. Do you love and feed/water your pets? they are fine. Do you make sure they are safe and healthy? if yes, they are fine. I dont take my dogs on walks much. I have a lead I put them on when its potty time. Plus Id have to drive to the park and then everyone else there is walking their dogs and I end up pulling my dog for the entire walk cuz he and she want to sniff everyones butts and then play. Its not a peaceful walk for me. lol Take care of you!
Feel free to PM me anytime. Hang in there. Start again tomorrow. You are not alone!
Tomorrow is a new day. You get up and try again. Alcohol is such a depressant. I know I get very negative when I drink. I think life is not worth it, why do I try, im an idiot, im mean then I will proceed to pick a fight with my husband for no reason or drunk text someone that pissed me off and make a huge ass out of myself.
I have quit many times. so your not alone. Just keep trying.
I grew up watching my drunk father as well. It is what it is..my favorite saying to most things after raising myself. Drunk dad, high mother. It is what it is. Your not alone.
Life IS worth living. The alcohol is telling you its not. Dont listen to it. I believe that when I quit this bad relationship I will open a new door to my sober life with endless possibilities. My goal..I want to write childrens books. I actually have a whole series of books in mind. I have all the characters and story lines. I just never do it. Why? because its hard to get published with childrens books. So when I drink I think to hell with it. What a stupid idea. It will never happen. When Im sober I think at least try. How will you ever know unless you try. Maybe your idea will be awesome. The drunk me..your idea and storyline is soooo stupid! I dont stay sober enough to have the time to sit down and write my first book. Its hard to make things happen for the good in our lives when we let alcohol hold us back.
And your pets needing you is a big thing. I love my dogs. Dogs to me are all thats pure in this world. Some are abused beyond belief and survive and can come back and give someone else so much love. People dont do that, I dont think we are capable. We hold grudges and say we move past bad things but a lot of us dont. I would much rather have a house full of pets then a house full of judging people. lol but thats just me. Maybe your calling will be to rescue animals. Id love to foster but my husband put a limit on dogs in the house. only 2.
selfish? ...you need to be selfish to take care of you! If your dog has a spot to go to the bathroom then he is fine. Do you love and feed/water your pets? they are fine. Do you make sure they are safe and healthy? if yes, they are fine. I dont take my dogs on walks much. I have a lead I put them on when its potty time. Plus Id have to drive to the park and then everyone else there is walking their dogs and I end up pulling my dog for the entire walk cuz he and she want to sniff everyones butts and then play. Its not a peaceful walk for me. lol Take care of you!
Feel free to PM me anytime. Hang in there. Start again tomorrow. You are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 668
You got to day 8 which in itself is huge, so you know you can do this! I fell on day 9 and since then I've had lots of day 1's but am determined now. You want to be there for your animals (I'm a huge animal lover too), I want to be there for my son. But at the end of the day we have to want to do it for ourselves as we deserve better. I know you don't want counselling but have you considered hypnotherapy? I used it to put something in the past instead of reliving it every time I thought of it. And it really helped me. There are other techniques you can use to help with stress too - meditation, yoga etc. I use hypno cds to help me sleep and they are mainly using positive reinforcement and they definitely helped me in the first few days of sobriety but then I didn't use them for the last few days so I think they were helping more than I realised. They were not alcohol specific by the way, they are for stress, healthy eating and my favourite one is paul mckenna 'change your life in 7 days'. I will be listening religiously when I get home from my break. Which has been very stressful! You can draw a line and start again! You had 8 days and nothing can take that away from you. Just don't let your slip stop you. Keep going ((((hugs)))).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Northeast, USA
Posts: 1,629
Cecilia,
Pick yourself up and start again. We all have. It's not the end of the world. There is nothing wrong with your pets being important in your life and doing this for them, as well as yourself. Nothing!
I suggest you think about what stressed you out and how you can respond to it better next time. Come up with alternatives. Many of them... and use them next time because there will be more stress. Since your dog is important to you maybe this can be an interesting diversion. Saw this on 60 minutes. https://www.dognition.com/
Perhaps you should ask your dog for advice. I hear they can be very very insightful.
Goose
Pick yourself up and start again. We all have. It's not the end of the world. There is nothing wrong with your pets being important in your life and doing this for them, as well as yourself. Nothing!
I suggest you think about what stressed you out and how you can respond to it better next time. Come up with alternatives. Many of them... and use them next time because there will be more stress. Since your dog is important to you maybe this can be an interesting diversion. Saw this on 60 minutes. https://www.dognition.com/
Perhaps you should ask your dog for advice. I hear they can be very very insightful.
Goose
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
Cecilia,
There is nothing wrong with loving your critters...they love and accept you unconditionally...what an amazing gift they give you everyday...they LOVE You...
they don't judge you...if you tell them your darkest secrets it stays with them...they do not
gossip...so hug your critters and love them...and eventually in time you will find you love yourself...yeah get yourself to counseling it can help...If nothing else be kind to yourself...one day at a time!
There is nothing wrong with loving your critters...they love and accept you unconditionally...what an amazing gift they give you everyday...they LOVE You...
they don't judge you...if you tell them your darkest secrets it stays with them...they do not
gossip...so hug your critters and love them...and eventually in time you will find you love yourself...yeah get yourself to counseling it can help...If nothing else be kind to yourself...one day at a time!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Your pets are fortunate to have you. A guy once told me in a psych ward that now that we are adults we can be a better parent to ourselves and nurture. Hug yourself, forgive yourself and love yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Cecilia I have white coat syndrome too and I also had high blood pressure. 18 months down the track of not drinking I have stopped taking almost all bp medication but I still have white coat syndrome.
I certainly can't stop you drinking -- only you can do that -- but there is not a single thing that will make your life better than putting down the bottle.
I certainly can't stop you drinking -- only you can do that -- but there is not a single thing that will make your life better than putting down the bottle.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
You had 8 days. You can do it again.
The best indicator of being really conflicted about drinking, is drinking while posting on a recovery site. Been there, got the t-shirt.
You can fully embrace sobriety. It is liberating to not be conflicted, but committed. It is normal to experience doubts and ambivalence. Understand that sometimes you have to push through that.
Get back on that horse lady. You can do it.
The best indicator of being really conflicted about drinking, is drinking while posting on a recovery site. Been there, got the t-shirt.
You can fully embrace sobriety. It is liberating to not be conflicted, but committed. It is normal to experience doubts and ambivalence. Understand that sometimes you have to push through that.
Get back on that horse lady. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
Cecilia, Don't under value your pets. It does not make you less of a person because you are not married with kids. My dog is family! Matter of fact, today is his 9th birthday and yes, we are getting him a doggie cake.
Have you tthought of volunteering at an animal shelter? Not only would you be using your knowledge of animals, you will meet others there with the same interest.
Hang in there.
Have you tthought of volunteering at an animal shelter? Not only would you be using your knowledge of animals, you will meet others there with the same interest.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Somewhere USA
Posts: 238
Ceclia, I agree with @sprout50, don't' undervalue yourself. Your pets need you, they are your family. I am 54 married, but divorced, no kids, and no one but my cat. Now how's that sound for pathetic? 54 year old guy with a a cat! lol
What I'm saying it, you can do it. You can do it for you, and you can do it for your dog!. You can do it for any number of reasons. You have plenty to contribute, we all do.
What I'm saying it, you can do it. You can do it for you, and you can do it for your dog!. You can do it for any number of reasons. You have plenty to contribute, we all do.
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