PolarBlue

It was bound to happen.

The past few days have been hell. No, I didn't cut off my former coworkers as I should have. More messages kept coming in. I've since been threatened by one who said he knows where I live and will see me sometime. He's been spreading a lot of rumors and running me into the ground, and I put his messages on facebook so the rest know how he is. And about his drug use at work. He didn't take that well.

Sure, I could make a million excuses for the binge I was just on. I need to get rid of every trigger or I'll never be able to move forward. I was even contemplating ending it all. Now that I'm sober I'm not thinking about that, but that's the new low I found myself in. It was the first time I've actually found comfort in such thoughts, which is kind of scary.

Time to get back on that wagon and make things right again.

BabyJane

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but you said it - time to get back on the wagon and start repairing your life. You can do it! Try to stay as far away from the co-worker as you can! Obviously he / she has their own issues and right now all you can do is control YOUR thoughts and actions right? Wishing you the best.

PolarBlue

True. It's going to take a few days to feel well again. When I quit for 2 weeks my anxiety finally started to go away. Now it's back with a vengeance.

Just a reminder of how not worth it drinking is. While it's in my system, sure problems seem to melt away. It's the day after when you realize you only made them worse. Ugh.

FreeOwl

sounds to me like a very good time to go "All In" with sobriety.

Elodie

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well and happy you're trying again.

If you feel you should have, why didn't you?

Sobriety is about more than just not drinking, as we all know. One thing we have to learn to do is doing the things we should do, rather than just knowing we should do them and not doing them.

You said it was bound to happen. I disagree. You chose for it to happen. We all have our problems, but we have to make a choice to not drink anyway, if our sobriety is really our top priority.

PolarBlue

It has to be the time. During the past couple days I stayed drunk, day and night, and I didn't want to sober up and have to deal with life. Back and forth to the convenience store.

That's a death sentence and I knew I had to stop. Am I ever paying for it now. I thought I was smarter than this.

PolarBlue

I don't know why I didn't. I know they're mostly gossipers and it's making it harder to move on. I need to officially close that chapter of my life.

I always seem to complicate things. If I could free my mind of some of this clutter I think the path to sobriety would open up. Trying it again.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and that you relapsed. It sounds like you know what you have to do, so hopefully you will make the changes you need to.

Elodie

Yes, this exactly! What's awesome is that you seem so self aware.

Let me ask you a question, and this is a TOTAL shot in the dark, but could it be possible that you're subconsciously keeping your life complicated in order to manufacture excuses to drink again?

PolarBlue

I never thought of it like that, but it's possible. I should completely let go of things and stop worrying about what people are saying. It's not like I have to see them again (unless the threats weren't idle). I kept waiting for a knock on my door the other night.

I'm not sure if I worry to drink, or drink because I worry. After a few I forget what the word worry means.

Cecilia44

PolarBlue, I am sorry for your relapse, but you can get sober again.

You said: I need to get rid of every trigger ... You know, that isn't possible. We will have "triggers" all the time, what us alkies need to do is learn to deal with the triggers without the alcohol. That is the key. And once we do, we slowly get stronger and stronger and more and more able to deal with the things that aren't always pleasant in life (and certainly people) without drinking.

One day, situation, person, etc. at a time.

PolarBlue

That's true. I admit the first 2 weeks after the job fiasco were hard, and I did them sober. I know it can be done. Maybe Elodie is right and I'm looking for problems as an excuse to drink. Time to stop doing that.

MavisTheFairy13

Sorry you fell off the wagon. I did too. Keep posting, you can do this

PolarBlue

I was just reading your thread. It's so easy to fall off. Looks like we're both on day one.

Funny how it happens. It's the same thing that happened last time I tried to quit. After 5 weeks I had a couple and stopped for another day or two, and thought I was normal. And before I knew it I was surrounded by beer cans and wondering what day it was.

Now being taunted by a certain person sending me texts hoping I OD on something and "have a drink for me...haha". So annoying, but trying to drink it away isn't the answer.

Hobbers

Sorry- I gotta call people out when they deserve it...

That was a d--k move, and immature beyond belief. It's also likely illegal to have done so.

Don't do crap like that again. Ever.

Jupiters

eep. that isn't good.

PolarBlue

He's telling people I'm on heroin when I'm not. I've had three people message me saying this. And he told me he hopes I die of an OD.

I'm not sure how it's illegal if he was reported and it was documented.

longbeachone

It's funny Polar Blue, I was just glancing at your original post, where you had been really focused on the legality of losing your job. I was thinking that you might just be in for a fall, because that kind of thinking, in all honesty, goes nowhere. It just opens old wounds, makes you miserable and frustrated and leads right back to the bottle, which seems like an escape but is just the source of all of your misery.

So now, you have gotten THAT out of your system. It's time to turn your focus away from what happened with your job, your former fellow employees, all of that. No matter how you act, or turn it over in your mind, no one is going to call you and say "Gosh, it was all a mistake! We were wrong, so come back to work!". Nope, that's over now, and you've got some choices to make. You can continue on this dark path, full of misery and pain, or you can turn to the future and realize that you have the chance to completely change your life for the better.

As hard as it may be to see it now, there is a sober you who has the potential to work in a job you enjoy, feel good and healthy every day and spend your time surrounded by people who enjoy your company and care about you. It will take some work, and in the beginning it won't be easy and may be uncomfortable, but so much of it is mental. You MUST stop obsessing about what is past and put all of your efforts into what CAN be. The money will sort itself out. The only thing that is important now is to focus on a better future.

I think that the support that a 12 step (AA) meeting can offer would be really helpful to you right now. I'm not saying to commit yourself to that program, but being around people who have shared the same kind of experiences (and we ALL have...you aren't alone) would help you feel less alone and frightened. You can find a meeting online. All you have to do is get there, walk in, sit down and listen. If you don't want to say anything, you don't have to.

I know how miserable you are feeling right now....I've been there a dozen times. But I also know that you have the ability within you to use this experience to change your life in a positive way. Stop looking backwards and start putting sober minutes together into sober hours, days, weeks and months. One day you may look upon this debacle and realize that the experience, though painful, was the motivation you needed to become a happy, healthy and peaceful person.

ScottFromWI

Most of the rest of your original post makes a lot of sense. You do need to cut off your toxic relationships, completely in my opinion - as in blocking numbers on your phone ( or getting a new number ) and getting off of facebook.

You are also on to something when you say that you need to simply face up to this. For me acceptance of the fact that I am an alcoholic and that I can never drink, no matter what, was crucial as well.

Your sentence I copied above I disagree 100% with though - drinking is not inevitable or "bound" to happen - it's a choice you make. It is inevitable that you will most likely have cravings and temptations, but how you deal with them is a free choice you can make. Stick around here and use SR to learn how - and perhaps consider seeking some local support too, it can't hurt right?

Glad you are back.

PurpleKnight

Go at it again, you know what needs to be done, go for it and make it happen!!