retreating anxieties
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retreating anxieties
Like many of us, underneath all that alcohol fueled swagger, I hold and hide lots of anxieties.
At first in sobriety, I felt as though I was becoming more and more aware of how anxious and panicky I was, starting to "understand" that this was one of the reasons I drank.
Now, the awareness is turning around, backwards. I'm at 47 days, and - without really noticing - some of my anxieties are melting away. I only notice it afterward, once I've completed the activity without sweaty palms, pounding heart, and fervently using all my "coping techniques."
An aside - I once had a therapist suggest meditation to me. I just cracked up, because my whole apartment was a monument to coping technique at the time - from the meditation area to the yoga area to the spiritual books to the exercise gear, all heavily used - and I was still anxious and weird. I remember thinking, "well, if I could just make it a full-time job to comfort myself, I guess I'd be ok."
Back to the anxiety story. Yesterday I had to take a substantial drive for my job. I live in Alaska, so everything (that's drivable in a car; there are lots of communities off the road system entirely) is a substantial distance. The highways and roads are truly dangerous here - winding, in poor condition or dirt, often serious weather - windstorms or blizzards, ice in winter, moose that throw themselves at your vehicle (seriously), etc. So I drive, but am very fearful about it and have to get myself all psyched up. In the past, upon arriving at my destination (and finishing whatever work had called me there), I felt I had to drink to calm my body tension, to "recover" from the experience.
Anyway, yesterday I forgot to even prepare to be anxious. The trees were all golden, and I spent the drive just loving the beauty all around me. It was only later, as I was falling asleep, that I realized I HAD FORGOTTEN TO BE ANXIOUS.
What this teaches me is that perhaps I wasn't medicating for anxiety, but perhaps my anxiety was largely created by alcoholism/addiction. Most specifically, the inability to trust myself and my responses.
I never drove drunk. Because it is a big part of my job, I would never take that risk (which meant I spent a lot of time driving long distances home in the wee hours of the morning). But I sure drove hung-over. My body was almost always in some phase of hangover or withdrawal or fuzziness.
I realized yesterday that I spent a lot of time faking competence over top of feeling shaky in my body. Blustering through my imbalance. Leaning against the wall so my body wouldn't sway.
I remembered and realized that I spent most of my time impaired pretending I wasn't impaired. Fighting not to stagger or slur. Not really letting go into the "wild joy" of drunkenness, but instead doing everything in my power to appear in control and sober...
Interesting. I know that many of us have concurrent anxiety issues, and wondered how other folks experiences them inside recovery.
At first in sobriety, I felt as though I was becoming more and more aware of how anxious and panicky I was, starting to "understand" that this was one of the reasons I drank.
Now, the awareness is turning around, backwards. I'm at 47 days, and - without really noticing - some of my anxieties are melting away. I only notice it afterward, once I've completed the activity without sweaty palms, pounding heart, and fervently using all my "coping techniques."
An aside - I once had a therapist suggest meditation to me. I just cracked up, because my whole apartment was a monument to coping technique at the time - from the meditation area to the yoga area to the spiritual books to the exercise gear, all heavily used - and I was still anxious and weird. I remember thinking, "well, if I could just make it a full-time job to comfort myself, I guess I'd be ok."
Back to the anxiety story. Yesterday I had to take a substantial drive for my job. I live in Alaska, so everything (that's drivable in a car; there are lots of communities off the road system entirely) is a substantial distance. The highways and roads are truly dangerous here - winding, in poor condition or dirt, often serious weather - windstorms or blizzards, ice in winter, moose that throw themselves at your vehicle (seriously), etc. So I drive, but am very fearful about it and have to get myself all psyched up. In the past, upon arriving at my destination (and finishing whatever work had called me there), I felt I had to drink to calm my body tension, to "recover" from the experience.
Anyway, yesterday I forgot to even prepare to be anxious. The trees were all golden, and I spent the drive just loving the beauty all around me. It was only later, as I was falling asleep, that I realized I HAD FORGOTTEN TO BE ANXIOUS.
What this teaches me is that perhaps I wasn't medicating for anxiety, but perhaps my anxiety was largely created by alcoholism/addiction. Most specifically, the inability to trust myself and my responses.
I never drove drunk. Because it is a big part of my job, I would never take that risk (which meant I spent a lot of time driving long distances home in the wee hours of the morning). But I sure drove hung-over. My body was almost always in some phase of hangover or withdrawal or fuzziness.
I realized yesterday that I spent a lot of time faking competence over top of feeling shaky in my body. Blustering through my imbalance. Leaning against the wall so my body wouldn't sway.
I remembered and realized that I spent most of my time impaired pretending I wasn't impaired. Fighting not to stagger or slur. Not really letting go into the "wild joy" of drunkenness, but instead doing everything in my power to appear in control and sober...
Interesting. I know that many of us have concurrent anxiety issues, and wondered how other folks experiences them inside recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Yes, it could be that alcoholism caused your anxiety. That happens for many people. I'm really glad that you are finding things are easier now.
My anxiety issues began in my childhood and my drinking, which began decades later, was a last-ditch effort to cope. Of course, I didn't know that drinking would worsen the anxiety. So, in recovery I still have anxiety but it causes me less stress now because recovery has taught me to be less fearful.
My anxiety issues began in my childhood and my drinking, which began decades later, was a last-ditch effort to cope. Of course, I didn't know that drinking would worsen the anxiety. So, in recovery I still have anxiety but it causes me less stress now because recovery has taught me to be less fearful.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I had no anxiety issues until around age 25 and I was drinking regularly. The anxiety the next day was unbearable so I kept drinking to relieve said anxiety.
SOber, I have anxiety about all the bad stuff that happened while I was drinking. I am sure things get better but I am a little haunted by my drinking years.
Let's try to heal and move on to greener sober pastures.
SOber, I have anxiety about all the bad stuff that happened while I was drinking. I am sure things get better but I am a little haunted by my drinking years.
Let's try to heal and move on to greener sober pastures.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: London
Posts: 4
I suffer immensely from high anxiety -which was only made worse by drinking alcohol. My intake nurse for my assessment for recovery mentioned a certain percentage of how alcohol makes people more anxious - so it's best to stop drinking! (At least for me).
<Anyway, yesterday I forgot to even prepare to be anxious. The trees were all golden, and I spent the drive just loving the beauty all around me. It was only later, as I was falling asleep, that I realized I HAD FORGOTTEN TO BE ANXIOUS.>
That's great news!
<Anyway, yesterday I forgot to even prepare to be anxious. The trees were all golden, and I spent the drive just loving the beauty all around me. It was only later, as I was falling asleep, that I realized I HAD FORGOTTEN TO BE ANXIOUS.>
That's great news!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 64
thanks for sharing this...it definitely helped me. i'm finding that although the intensity of anxiety is diminishing somewhat, it isn't getting less frequent or disturbing, really.
however, because i no longer use alcohol as a coping mechanism, i have the opportunity to look at the root causes.
i'm especially interested in your sidebar about meditation. i have been sitting and doing the counting breaths thing for about 20 minutes a day, roughly five days a week. i wish i could say it has revolutionized my life. u mentioned that, if you could make it a full time job, you might be .... i dunno, healed. any tips/tricks/experiences to share?
however, because i no longer use alcohol as a coping mechanism, i have the opportunity to look at the root causes.
i'm especially interested in your sidebar about meditation. i have been sitting and doing the counting breaths thing for about 20 minutes a day, roughly five days a week. i wish i could say it has revolutionized my life. u mentioned that, if you could make it a full time job, you might be .... i dunno, healed. any tips/tricks/experiences to share?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Great post! One of the reasons I always thought I drank was to deal with my melancholy/depression. Funny though that it went away completely when I quit drinking! Glad to see things are going well for you, heartcore.
BTW, I envy you living in AK! I'm sure it's got downsides (distance, weather) but I love to hike, camp and fish and a bit of a survival buff. I don't know if I would want to live there for the rest of my life but I'd love to do a couple years there while I'm still young-ish enough to do rigorous hikes and camping trips.
BTW, I envy you living in AK! I'm sure it's got downsides (distance, weather) but I love to hike, camp and fish and a bit of a survival buff. I don't know if I would want to live there for the rest of my life but I'd love to do a couple years there while I'm still young-ish enough to do rigorous hikes and camping trips.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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mythofsisyphus -
Yes, I feel privileged to live in such an extraordinarily beautiful landscape. It is also very unpopulated, which was just strange at first, but which I now relish. When I travel elsewhere, I feel crowded by humans at every turn. Alaska has only 700,000 people and is the size of a small continent. Space, room, freedom.
It is also rugged, as you mention, everyone hunts and fishes and takes on crazy challenges as simply a matter of getting from here to there. I have to admit, some of my anxiety probably comes from relocating here after a lifetime living in big cities. I'm a single female, and I have to overcome my fears constantly - from driving in blizzards to shooting guns to riding a 4 wheeler.
I know my capacity as an urban being. I know how to navigate and live in a bad neighborhood. I don't know how to slaughter wild animals, for example, which everyone here does casually, from the time they are children...
I want to be able to take on new challenges, live in unfamiliar places, and travel the world - sober. I used alcohol for courage up here (guess that's why they call it liquid courage). It is very difficult for me to do things I've never done, that are loud or scary or dangerous, and which I don't know how to do... I think that's the key and goes all the way back to my own childhood. Admitting that something is scary or that I don't have any idea HOW to do it, is horrifying to me. I'm that "cool kid" leaning against the building, smoking, saying "I don't even want to try your ...whatever..." because then I'd have to admit that I don't know how...
Yes, I feel privileged to live in such an extraordinarily beautiful landscape. It is also very unpopulated, which was just strange at first, but which I now relish. When I travel elsewhere, I feel crowded by humans at every turn. Alaska has only 700,000 people and is the size of a small continent. Space, room, freedom.
It is also rugged, as you mention, everyone hunts and fishes and takes on crazy challenges as simply a matter of getting from here to there. I have to admit, some of my anxiety probably comes from relocating here after a lifetime living in big cities. I'm a single female, and I have to overcome my fears constantly - from driving in blizzards to shooting guns to riding a 4 wheeler.
I know my capacity as an urban being. I know how to navigate and live in a bad neighborhood. I don't know how to slaughter wild animals, for example, which everyone here does casually, from the time they are children...
I want to be able to take on new challenges, live in unfamiliar places, and travel the world - sober. I used alcohol for courage up here (guess that's why they call it liquid courage). It is very difficult for me to do things I've never done, that are loud or scary or dangerous, and which I don't know how to do... I think that's the key and goes all the way back to my own childhood. Admitting that something is scary or that I don't have any idea HOW to do it, is horrifying to me. I'm that "cool kid" leaning against the building, smoking, saying "I don't even want to try your ...whatever..." because then I'd have to admit that I don't know how...
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B086 -
No meditation tips...I just keep exploring that realm, in any form that calls me.
I've gone to some meditation workshops that focus on breath, but being the impatient ADD person I am, I find that adding movement (as in yoga) or sound (I play a number of instruments, meditatively) works better for my fidgety self than silent stillness (although I do practice that, too). I do a lot of chanting. Walking can be meditation too.
It's called a "meditation practice" and I remind myself that I am "practicing" - just trying to figure out how things make me feel, what I WANT to do to power up my "cope-ability" at any given moment.
I've also noticed that I use cigarette smoking as a form of meditation - it involves deep breathing, a break from what's happening (by going outside), moving outside to nature, calming, recentering myself.
Not healthy, but a meditation, for sure... I have only realized this in the last couple of days, as I contemplate whether I am ready to quit smoking in my sobriety, and evaluating what exactly I "get" from smoking cigarettes.
I think when I do let them go, I will replace that same amount of time/schedule with meditative deep breathing. A much better choice. I'm fearful though, in the same way we're fearful when we're inside alcoholism and contemplating recovery. It feels very possible at times, and almost impossible at others. I keep telling myself that I need to only focus on sobriety, but part of that is caring for myself, and this would be a form of that. Round and round, until we make the leap...cause that's how we make these sort of decisions...
No meditation tips...I just keep exploring that realm, in any form that calls me.
I've gone to some meditation workshops that focus on breath, but being the impatient ADD person I am, I find that adding movement (as in yoga) or sound (I play a number of instruments, meditatively) works better for my fidgety self than silent stillness (although I do practice that, too). I do a lot of chanting. Walking can be meditation too.
It's called a "meditation practice" and I remind myself that I am "practicing" - just trying to figure out how things make me feel, what I WANT to do to power up my "cope-ability" at any given moment.
I've also noticed that I use cigarette smoking as a form of meditation - it involves deep breathing, a break from what's happening (by going outside), moving outside to nature, calming, recentering myself.
Not healthy, but a meditation, for sure... I have only realized this in the last couple of days, as I contemplate whether I am ready to quit smoking in my sobriety, and evaluating what exactly I "get" from smoking cigarettes.
I think when I do let them go, I will replace that same amount of time/schedule with meditative deep breathing. A much better choice. I'm fearful though, in the same way we're fearful when we're inside alcoholism and contemplating recovery. It feels very possible at times, and almost impossible at others. I keep telling myself that I need to only focus on sobriety, but part of that is caring for myself, and this would be a form of that. Round and round, until we make the leap...cause that's how we make these sort of decisions...
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Originally Posted by heartcore 
Most specifically, the inability to trust myself and my responses.
That's exactly what drinking did to me, over time anyway. And it hurt me doubly, perhaps because my personality type is so largely characterized by thinking and acting intuitively. I too noticed some anxiety seemingly melting away, and then inexplicably, at other times I'm gripped by fear... but then I realize that in those stressful moments it's often because I am finally experiencing something sober that I haven't in years!
All very good stuff, nice post, Heartcore.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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"I remembered and realized that I spent most of my time impaired pretending I wasn't impaired. Fighting not to stagger or slur. Not really letting go into the "wild joy" of drunkenness, but instead doing everything in my power to appear in control and sober... "
This was me exactly.
Why did I constantly do this to myself when, as you say, I wasn't even having fun?
Thanks for the great post.
This was me exactly.
Why did I constantly do this to myself when, as you say, I wasn't even having fun?
Thanks for the great post.
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Heartcore, that's an interesting statement you wrote about "feeling fear while being inside the alcoholism, contemplating recovery...."
I'm rather new to recovery, and I don't recall feeling fear contemplating recovery, maybe hope? Maybe resignation that I couldn't go on trying my own solutions?
Unless by fear you mean anxiety? Are anxiety and fear the same animal? If they were fabric holes, I imagine fear as a sharp, pencil hole to anxiety's frayed hole. One is more intense and well-defined than the other.
I wonder why you felt fear contemplating recovery?
In recovery I still experience anxious thoughts, but because I'm more aware of what they are and what might be causing them, they no longer have a strong hold on me. I know I can move past them (or they move past me). They rise, they cease, they don't last. Yay!
I'm rather new to recovery, and I don't recall feeling fear contemplating recovery, maybe hope? Maybe resignation that I couldn't go on trying my own solutions?
Unless by fear you mean anxiety? Are anxiety and fear the same animal? If they were fabric holes, I imagine fear as a sharp, pencil hole to anxiety's frayed hole. One is more intense and well-defined than the other.
I wonder why you felt fear contemplating recovery?
In recovery I still experience anxious thoughts, but because I'm more aware of what they are and what might be causing them, they no longer have a strong hold on me. I know I can move past them (or they move past me). They rise, they cease, they don't last. Yay!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Heartcore I never fully realized how much alcohol can cause anxiety until I gave it a break. I was a bit on the anxious side growing up, but not nearly as bad as those first few days sober after a binge. As someone who's drank pretty much daily for over 15 years, it only got worse with age.
Maybe some can relate, but hangovers transformed over the years. When I was younger it would mainly be a headache and sometimes vomiting that lasted a day. Now it's deep depression, fear, body aches, and a slew of other symptoms that can last for days. Not to mention some of the stupid things I did while drunk that haunt me during the process. Sure there's a quick "fix" for that. But it doesn't solve anything.
Glad to see you're doing well.
Maybe some can relate, but hangovers transformed over the years. When I was younger it would mainly be a headache and sometimes vomiting that lasted a day. Now it's deep depression, fear, body aches, and a slew of other symptoms that can last for days. Not to mention some of the stupid things I did while drunk that haunt me during the process. Sure there's a quick "fix" for that. But it doesn't solve anything.
Glad to see you're doing well.
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Carpathia - I love the image of the sharp hole of fear vs. The fraying fabric of anxiety.
I think what I meant about sitting inside alcoholism with fear as I contemplated sobriety was both the fear that I would fail & the fear that I would succeed. Either outcome meant that I lost the safe in-between place where I was perched. This may be specific to my experience - I was on a relapse run this last time. Once you've tasted sobriety & then deliberately given it up, drinking becomes a desperate & shameful act, while simultaneously your AV (who you have already defined and gone to war with) has won, & is gleeful & hungry. So, I guess it would be right to say that the AV festival sharp fear at the prospect of my getting sober & my sober warrior just felt weak & hopeless.
Wow, I think I just made it more convoluted! As I think about it, the useful truth is that as you get big chunks of sobriety under your belt, relapse wounds. It is a progressive wounding of self. Relapse costs. It takes a lot to come back.
I think what I meant about sitting inside alcoholism with fear as I contemplated sobriety was both the fear that I would fail & the fear that I would succeed. Either outcome meant that I lost the safe in-between place where I was perched. This may be specific to my experience - I was on a relapse run this last time. Once you've tasted sobriety & then deliberately given it up, drinking becomes a desperate & shameful act, while simultaneously your AV (who you have already defined and gone to war with) has won, & is gleeful & hungry. So, I guess it would be right to say that the AV festival sharp fear at the prospect of my getting sober & my sober warrior just felt weak & hopeless.
Wow, I think I just made it more convoluted! As I think about it, the useful truth is that as you get big chunks of sobriety under your belt, relapse wounds. It is a progressive wounding of self. Relapse costs. It takes a lot to come back.
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