herradura

The trinity in my life.
1. Drinking too much
2. Eating too much
3. Using nicotine

I stop the drinking and feel wonderful and have all the positives, then I decide I need to eat even more than I always do. The eating is the same as the alcohol abuse. I eat even though not hungry and seem COMPULSED to eat. The nicotine works the same way. I can stop it for a few days and then overeat again.

There is a subconscious desire to hurt my wellbeing. Not suicide, but rather overusing everything in my life that can and does hurt me.

The question is what causes this? Is it just a human failure, am I wired wrong, do I have a death wish?

By working hard on the drinking I have realized that I have a serious weight problem, more serious than I thought, since when I was drinking too much I did not think about it. The nicotine just came into play 2 years ago as a way to, you guessed it, lose weight.

There is a lot of work to do, and I am working on it, but I wish I could just find the switch to turn off the self destructive behavior. I don't drink but then fill that void of self destruction with food, when I lose weight I fill that void with alcohol, and nicotine just makes them both better.

If anyone treated me 1/2 as bad as I treat myself, I would go to the ends of the earth to punish them, financially, physically, socially. Yet the guy in the mirror in the morning is worse to me than anyone else on earth?

What gives, I mean this is totally nonsensical!!! Why on earth do I do things to myself that hurt me, badly hurt me. I can stop the booze for a few weeks, and can "mostly control" it, but as soon as I do then I do something else to kill me.

I am not sad, depressed, or angry, just thoroughly confused. It is so easy to look at others and see why they are in the shape they are in, drink too much, eat too much, don't work hard, don't take care of their family etc. And I KNOW these apply to me as well, but for some reason I seem unable to change.

If this is a process then I am up for the battle, but if anyone knows or has experience with this "self loathing", self hatred, or death wish; and has overcome it, I would certainly appreciate some advice on it.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

earlyriser

I feel your pain. I do all the same you are describing. Though I am not overweight as a result, I'm sure not in my best shape.

One thing I find I do is that as soon as I cave (have a cigarette, a beer, or a piece of pizza) I then just go all out for the remainder of that day. I think,"well, stupid, you blew it for today, but tomorrow you'll get back on track", and I convince myself tomorrow is a better day anyway because I'm off work and can relax, or I have to work and will be distracted. It all comes down to it's really better because it's basically just not today. And I proceed to make my last day a total orgy of overindulging in whichever addiction I caved to.

I have no death wish, but a rational outside observer would likely argue I do. Perhaps your rational voice thinks you must have a death wish, though really you just want to get your real self back? That's where I am at. Hate myself at times, but I really know there is a better me I need to release from all this self loathing and abuse.

I'm on day 2 (again) of trying to break that cycle. Hope you'll join me.

Fly N Buy

Yea, same issues I am trying to overcome. For me I discovered it was indeed the wrong trinity.

My character defects can pretty much be summed up by the 7 deadly sins. Only shot I have to get release through sobriety first and then help from my high power with the rest. Natural instincts run wild in the form of gluttony, greed and sloth are the finer points in my case. Though I really don't discriminate towards any of the " 7 friends"! I look at me ego as the big daddy of these.......IF my HP can whack him down, I stand a chance.

peace man

ElleDee

Me too, minus the cigarettes. When I drink, that gives me permission to eat like crap. When I don't drink and try to eat healthy, I feel deprived of the junk I would prefer to eat. Or I don't drink and eat and say well, at least I'm not drinking. It's irritating to say the least!

herradura

I can relate to all of these posts. I do the same a earlyriser, as soon as I go off a little it is full bore ahead. The effect is the same for all of it. I know I am doing something I should not do, and then do it and as soon as I am done doing it, feel like hell for doing it. I guess I shrug off some of the alcohol related stuff as a "drunk" mind is involved, but when you are cold sober, and consume 5000 calories? Just have to find the switch.

I think often of the seven sins. Certainly ego is involved in a lot of decisions, false sense of pride too I guess.

I don't smoke or chew, I use the nicotine gum. And use it to not eat too much, it works well, then wham I am all in.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Soberwolf

wishing you well herra