What is it?
The trinity in my life.
1. Drinking too much
2. Eating too much
3. Using nicotine
I stop the drinking and feel wonderful and have all the positives, then I decide I need to eat even more than I always do. The eating is the same as the alcohol abuse. I eat even though not hungry and seem COMPULSED to eat. The nicotine works the same way. I can stop it for a few days and then overeat again.
There is a subconscious desire to hurt my wellbeing. Not suicide, but rather overusing everything in my life that can and does hurt me.
The question is what causes this? Is it just a human failure, am I wired wrong, do I have a death wish?
By working hard on the drinking I have realized that I have a serious weight problem, more serious than I thought, since when I was drinking too much I did not think about it. The nicotine just came into play 2 years ago as a way to, you guessed it, lose weight.
There is a lot of work to do, and I am working on it, but I wish I could just find the switch to turn off the self destructive behavior. I don't drink but then fill that void of self destruction with food, when I lose weight I fill that void with alcohol, and nicotine just makes them both better.
If anyone treated me 1/2 as bad as I treat myself, I would go to the ends of the earth to punish them, financially, physically, socially. Yet the guy in the mirror in the morning is worse to me than anyone else on earth?
What gives, I mean this is totally nonsensical!!! Why on earth do I do things to myself that hurt me, badly hurt me. I can stop the booze for a few weeks, and can "mostly control" it, but as soon as I do then I do something else to kill me.
I am not sad, depressed, or angry, just thoroughly confused. It is so easy to look at others and see why they are in the shape they are in, drink too much, eat too much, don't work hard, don't take care of their family etc. And I KNOW these apply to me as well, but for some reason I seem unable to change.
If this is a process then I am up for the battle, but if anyone knows or has experience with this "self loathing", self hatred, or death wish; and has overcome it, I would certainly appreciate some advice on it.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.