Leaving Codependency Behind
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 47
Leaving Codependency Behind Hello Everyone,
I am new to the boards and this is my first post. I wasn't sure whether I should post it in this section or in the Families of Alcoholics section. I hope you don't mind my sharing.
My husband of barely a year and a half is an addict. His addictions are marijuana, internet porn, the internet, Cartoon Network...you name it and he can disappear into it. He does not use alcohol or other drugs, though.
During our courtship (does anyone use that term anymore?), I knew he had some issues with marijuana, but like many people, I didn't see it as an addiction. He was much more functional then before we moved in together and married. But since we returned from our honeymoon in April of last year, I've learned more than I ever thought possible about living with someone with an addictive personality.
My husband was initially not very functional. He had been unemployed for some time living on money earned as an investment banker. Yet our wedding and honeymoon took the last bit of his savings. After the honeymoon when it was time to search for a job, he dawdled, delayed, and avoided like crazy. I ended up asking him "what have you done today?" as a near constant mantra.
We went through some very tough times as he started to realize finally that he had a problem. Though he stopped using marijuana, the computer and internet porn still remained a big escape. (I didn't realize how much until much later). Finally he began to see that he needed help. He did an outpatient day program, attended AA and a sex addiction meeting and went to therapy. He'd do a little better but then stop going to meetings/therapy because he had trouble working it in around the part-time job he had taken in the bakery of a grocery store. Clearly it was an excuse.
My role, as it has always been with my adolescent patients (I'm an adolescent medicine physician) was to frequently point out when he had drifted off track, since he never seemed to recognize it. He didn't mind this because it helped him become more aware (or so he told me). But I also had to remind him to pay his bills (or the creditors would call and wig me out), do his household chores, or remind him that he has an appointment. I knew that I wasn't supposed to try to fix him or manage him, but I felt I was just trying to get him to do the bare minimum.
Within the past 2-3 months he has been much better at attending meetings (averaging 7/week) and has found a more directive sponsor for himself. Yet he still is floundering with his job search and still lapsing into coma in front of the computer (though the porn has stopped after he installed an accountability program that lets his sponsor know whenever he visits a porn site). We restarted couples therapy a month ago with the goal of trying to break this mother/child cycle that we've gotten into. Today, during our 3rd session the therapist said that she felt we should separate in order to help my husband become less dependent on me for everything. (He admitted that he was unable to clean up his messes if I wasn't nearby.)
Both of us are devastated by this recommendation. We love and like each other tremendously. Yes our marriage has been terribly strained by his dysfunction, he wants to become more functional and I believe he can do it. We never anticipated that separation would be recommended, though I see how my husband might grow if I were not there to pay the mortgage, buy the groceries and do the laundry. It may be a bit too comfortable for him here. But I don't want to separate (and I also can't afford to support him in a separate household because I'm barely managing to support us both in this one. He is still only employed part-time in a low-paying job.) and neither does he.
So where does this leave me? Stuck, I feel. Though others have suggested Al-Anon to me many times and I attended one meeting, I've resisted the idea of just letting go and leaving my husband to sink or swim. But now I see that perhaps it is a better alternative to learn to stop my natural tendency to help or play shrink than to ask him to move out. Perhaps the patterns can be unlearned without our having to separate, something neither of us wants.
Thanks my long-winded story. I just hope to find some help here in learning to let go and let God. Thanks for listening (reading).
I am new to the boards and this is my first post. I wasn't sure whether I should post it in this section or in the Families of Alcoholics section. I hope you don't mind my sharing.
My husband of barely a year and a half is an addict. His addictions are marijuana, internet porn, the internet, Cartoon Network...you name it and he can disappear into it. He does not use alcohol or other drugs, though.
During our courtship (does anyone use that term anymore?), I knew he had some issues with marijuana, but like many people, I didn't see it as an addiction. He was much more functional then before we moved in together and married. But since we returned from our honeymoon in April of last year, I've learned more than I ever thought possible about living with someone with an addictive personality.
My husband was initially not very functional. He had been unemployed for some time living on money earned as an investment banker. Yet our wedding and honeymoon took the last bit of his savings. After the honeymoon when it was time to search for a job, he dawdled, delayed, and avoided like crazy. I ended up asking him "what have you done today?" as a near constant mantra.
We went through some very tough times as he started to realize finally that he had a problem. Though he stopped using marijuana, the computer and internet porn still remained a big escape. (I didn't realize how much until much later). Finally he began to see that he needed help. He did an outpatient day program, attended AA and a sex addiction meeting and went to therapy. He'd do a little better but then stop going to meetings/therapy because he had trouble working it in around the part-time job he had taken in the bakery of a grocery store. Clearly it was an excuse.
My role, as it has always been with my adolescent patients (I'm an adolescent medicine physician) was to frequently point out when he had drifted off track, since he never seemed to recognize it. He didn't mind this because it helped him become more aware (or so he told me). But I also had to remind him to pay his bills (or the creditors would call and wig me out), do his household chores, or remind him that he has an appointment. I knew that I wasn't supposed to try to fix him or manage him, but I felt I was just trying to get him to do the bare minimum.
Within the past 2-3 months he has been much better at attending meetings (averaging 7/week) and has found a more directive sponsor for himself. Yet he still is floundering with his job search and still lapsing into coma in front of the computer (though the porn has stopped after he installed an accountability program that lets his sponsor know whenever he visits a porn site). We restarted couples therapy a month ago with the goal of trying to break this mother/child cycle that we've gotten into. Today, during our 3rd session the therapist said that she felt we should separate in order to help my husband become less dependent on me for everything. (He admitted that he was unable to clean up his messes if I wasn't nearby.)
Both of us are devastated by this recommendation. We love and like each other tremendously. Yes our marriage has been terribly strained by his dysfunction, he wants to become more functional and I believe he can do it. We never anticipated that separation would be recommended, though I see how my husband might grow if I were not there to pay the mortgage, buy the groceries and do the laundry. It may be a bit too comfortable for him here. But I don't want to separate (and I also can't afford to support him in a separate household because I'm barely managing to support us both in this one. He is still only employed part-time in a low-paying job.) and neither does he.
So where does this leave me? Stuck, I feel. Though others have suggested Al-Anon to me many times and I attended one meeting, I've resisted the idea of just letting go and leaving my husband to sink or swim. But now I see that perhaps it is a better alternative to learn to stop my natural tendency to help or play shrink than to ask him to move out. Perhaps the patterns can be unlearned without our having to separate, something neither of us wants.
Thanks my long-winded story. I just hope to find some help here in learning to let go and let God. Thanks for listening (reading).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Hi Teendoc,
difficult decisions is what our lives are made up of, even the decision not to do anything is just as difficult. i surely understand your struggle---your decision is difficult because all the other pieces are put together---it does not sound as if you are suffering from the other forms of abuse that some of us have had to endure, which has forced us to detach and go separate ways. i did run across info on here that mentioned unemployment as a problem in the codie world...so you know that something has to be done...unfortunately, you know that what you are doing is not good for him, but you seem to be very comfortable in your role as his guide. Of course separating would be a very difficult thing to do and giving you advise on this is even more difficult. i guess i would say, making a decision on what is important for the alterior good may be what you two should focus on to help you do what was suggested by that counselor...if it is important to attain the goals that would cause the relationship to thrive and for him to become someone better than who he today. if you are fine with letting him get a way with or settle for what he does and how he is and he loves the way he is, then your difficult decision would be, to leave everything as is...its yall's life...either you want things to change Teendoc or you don't. it really is your call---you are the one reaching out and seeking change. so you are the one that is going to have to make up your mind...of course following a prescription for cure means that some things are going to have to change...can he get his maturity, accountability and responsibility on with him being in the house? only you can determine if that is able to be done...that means that you will have to watch him like a hawk and keep your hands off and relent from your "mommy" tendencies...then you can have your cake and eat it too...problem solved.
Good luck in your findings and in your road to finding resolution in your situations.
Welcome and hang around for awhile---its a good place to be--check out the meetings again, but with a different outlook going in this time. you may need to reposition your thinking in who you really are and what you are doing to cause things to stay the same. you know, thee old "paradigm shift" thing. you are torn between desire and role responsibilities for him and yourself. is there a way to afford the separation and still be involved to a point where your physical and emotional needs are still being met? who knows, search all your options and senerios. make a plan and make it work. but, you know what is suggested, for you to step back, take your hands off and let him grow. can you do it? the challenge really is......for you.
Again, welcome aboard!
difficult decisions is what our lives are made up of, even the decision not to do anything is just as difficult. i surely understand your struggle---your decision is difficult because all the other pieces are put together---it does not sound as if you are suffering from the other forms of abuse that some of us have had to endure, which has forced us to detach and go separate ways. i did run across info on here that mentioned unemployment as a problem in the codie world...so you know that something has to be done...unfortunately, you know that what you are doing is not good for him, but you seem to be very comfortable in your role as his guide. Of course separating would be a very difficult thing to do and giving you advise on this is even more difficult. i guess i would say, making a decision on what is important for the alterior good may be what you two should focus on to help you do what was suggested by that counselor...if it is important to attain the goals that would cause the relationship to thrive and for him to become someone better than who he today. if you are fine with letting him get a way with or settle for what he does and how he is and he loves the way he is, then your difficult decision would be, to leave everything as is...its yall's life...either you want things to change Teendoc or you don't. it really is your call---you are the one reaching out and seeking change. so you are the one that is going to have to make up your mind...of course following a prescription for cure means that some things are going to have to change...can he get his maturity, accountability and responsibility on with him being in the house? only you can determine if that is able to be done...that means that you will have to watch him like a hawk and keep your hands off and relent from your "mommy" tendencies...then you can have your cake and eat it too...problem solved.
Good luck in your findings and in your road to finding resolution in your situations.
Welcome and hang around for awhile---its a good place to be--check out the meetings again, but with a different outlook going in this time. you may need to reposition your thinking in who you really are and what you are doing to cause things to stay the same. you know, thee old "paradigm shift" thing. you are torn between desire and role responsibilities for him and yourself. is there a way to afford the separation and still be involved to a point where your physical and emotional needs are still being met? who knows, search all your options and senerios. make a plan and make it work. but, you know what is suggested, for you to step back, take your hands off and let him grow. can you do it? the challenge really is......for you.
Again, welcome aboard!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 47
2Sunshine: thank you so much for the welcome and the advice. I've actually done quite a bit of reflection in the past couple of days and have come to important realizations. During the past 2 days I have actively tried to stop this mothering. Guess what? Though I always thought I could stop anytime I wanted to, 
I just wasn't able to. I realized that I am as addicted to mothering him at this point as he is to feeling dependent. Yes you are right, I need to go back to Al-Anon and work on stopping my mothering so that he, hopefully, will be able to grow up.
I think we are going to try this paradigm shift before opting for formal separation. There is so much love between us that we've got to figure out how to save things. I'll continue posting.
I just wasn't able to. I realized that I am as addicted to mothering him at this point as he is to feeling dependent. Yes you are right, I need to go back to Al-Anon and work on stopping my mothering so that he, hopefully, will be able to grow up. I think we are going to try this paradigm shift before opting for formal separation. There is so much love between us that we've got to figure out how to save things. I'll continue posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi Teendoc,
It seems like you have quite a lot of insight into the issues that you and your husband face and particularly in the fact that you could not stop the 'mothering' when you wanted to. It would seem to me that separation might be extreme at the moment, but as you've realized, perhaps stepping back and letting your husband fend for himself would probably help. You might also check out the AlAnon forum on this board. I hope you keep posting.
Anna
It seems like you have quite a lot of insight into the issues that you and your husband face and particularly in the fact that you could not stop the 'mothering' when you wanted to. It would seem to me that separation might be extreme at the moment, but as you've realized, perhaps stepping back and letting your husband fend for himself would probably help. You might also check out the AlAnon forum on this board. I hope you keep posting.
Anna
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