100 days sober but. . .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I don't recall who posted this, but it made a ton of sense to me about "starting over." It read something like "If you are in a marathon and trip at mile 4, they don't make you go back to the starting line. You just get up where you are and start from there." Personally I don't track days. How long it has been since my last drink means nothing. All that matters to me is today. When I crawl in bed tonight alcohol free. . . .THAT is a win in my book.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 444
I too have had a (really) hard time with the 'forever' concept. It is partly why I relapsed back in the early Summer after going a shade over 4 months (122 days?).
1. That first time around, it wasn't actually that 'hard'.
2. Which made me sure that either "I'm cured!", or "I wasn't that bad before- was just 'headed down the wrong path'.
After relapsing, I am now more certain I'm not just a 'problem drinker', but that I have a disease that is affecting my brain, body, and chemistry. Also, this time it (staying sober/good) is a bit harder than last time around, and I also don't get those little self-affirming accomplishments- "Yeah, I made it 2 weeks! I haven't done that ever/Yeah, I made it a month- first time I ever did that!/Yay! 3 months with no drinking for the first time!"
Now, nothing is/feels new til I get over 4 months in, lol.
and then, there is that 'forever' thing that still makes me very, very angry.
1. That first time around, it wasn't actually that 'hard'.
2. Which made me sure that either "I'm cured!", or "I wasn't that bad before- was just 'headed down the wrong path'.
After relapsing, I am now more certain I'm not just a 'problem drinker', but that I have a disease that is affecting my brain, body, and chemistry. Also, this time it (staying sober/good) is a bit harder than last time around, and I also don't get those little self-affirming accomplishments- "Yeah, I made it 2 weeks! I haven't done that ever/Yeah, I made it a month- first time I ever did that!/Yay! 3 months with no drinking for the first time!"
Now, nothing is/feels new til I get over 4 months in, lol.
and then, there is that 'forever' thing that still makes me very, very angry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London
Posts: 204
I've set myself a target of 100 days too. It's so far beyond what i think i could achieve that if i got there i have no idea what i would do then. probably the same as you've done.
Think & reflect & plan the next step, but don't loose that sense of achievement.
you've done absolutely amazing to hit 100 days. focus on that !
WELL DONE!!!
Think & reflect & plan the next step, but don't loose that sense of achievement.
you've done absolutely amazing to hit 100 days. focus on that !
WELL DONE!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Aborkie, I'm not sure. Sometimes I think counting days for me can actually be counterproductive--thinking back on it today I wonder if it's no coincidence that I chose to chuck in the towel on day 100. I think I felt so good about it that I decided to reward myself. With the very thing that I felt proud of cutting out in the first place. Good grief how stupid. Thank you everybody for the kind words and support. I'm feeling off and slightly withdrawy today--actually still processing the last of it out of my system I suspect--with a strong dose of post-binge anxiety to manage. But I'm committed to getting back on the path. It feels like a relief to not be drinking today despite the discomfort. God what poison. Thanks again all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Just a note to check in, all. I've hit quite a wobble this September. The post that started this thread was the first of two relapses--the second being last week and lasting 4 days. I've allowed myself to stray from SR in recent weeks and that's been one mistake out of several. I'm feeling physically awful but mentally still committed to righting this ship again. I don't want to come to this forum singing this same song anymore.
Anyway. Day 2 again. I've arrogantly, stubbornly fought to keep alcohol a manageable part of my life, but it's a fight I lose every time. My wife asked me if I'd truly accepted my alcoholism. I feel like up until now I've accepted its presence...but I still struggle to accept that it won't go away. I'm very, very tired of that struggle now. Life is so much better sober. I don't know why it's taken me so long to believe the evidence all around me.
I will look forward to posting September 22 next year with a much different story to share.
Anyway. Day 2 again. I've arrogantly, stubbornly fought to keep alcohol a manageable part of my life, but it's a fight I lose every time. My wife asked me if I'd truly accepted my alcoholism. I feel like up until now I've accepted its presence...but I still struggle to accept that it won't go away. I'm very, very tired of that struggle now. Life is so much better sober. I don't know why it's taken me so long to believe the evidence all around me.
I will look forward to posting September 22 next year with a much different story to share.
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