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The First Day

Old 08-28-2014, 05:41 AM
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The First Day

Well here I am (again). I joined soberrecovery on another username early last year. I loved it, so much support and friendship... I was over 2 weeks into my quit when some bad news tipped me over and I fell straight back into the bottle. I'd worked so hard and it was gone in an instant.

It's been 18 long months since then and the longest I have ever managed to abstain would be 5 very tough days where my heart just was not in it... I knew I was going to cave. I had only felt compelled to stop because I started getting these pains around my middle that scared the heck out of me. As soon as they cleared up... I got back on the booze.

I'm 28 years old and have been a heavy drinker for over a decade now. I was an alcoholic after my first sip. I know that I was. Where some people will say they hated that feeling of loosing control, I loved it. I wanted it over and over. I felt alive and confident when I drank and felt I could never stop at one or two. Why would I stop? The sheer panic I feel if I'm drinking in a social situation and know I have to be sensible...! Or if we call it a night when I'm still only tipsy?? Nightmare. Much easier to drink on my own - no one there to control my intake. The bulk of my drinking over the last 10 years has taken place on my own... it's how I've always preferred it.

As a teenager I was always very content on my own. I wouldn't be drinking but I could spend the day or evening entertaining myself comfortably. I wouldn't feel bored or pressured. As soon as I turned 18 and was able to get booze myself, the cups of tea in the evening to relax after a weekend at work or a stressful day at college were replaced by wine, lambrini and alcopops. I took a year out after school and worked full time... my evenings were spent in the pub with friends... or having a few drinks at home with mum and dad.... or going out with work mates. I had always been a bit of a shy awkward teenager and the relief booze brought me was intense. I was a happy, confident drunk. I became the life of the party with my new work friends and was always sure to be invited out every weekend... I felt like one of the popular crowd. I was always pretty good though... I never did drugs or got so wasted I was taken to hospital. That never happened. I'd get very drunk - but I was the one who stayed fun.

My first year of University was a typical student experience. LOTS of heavy drinking... and I made a few good friends who enjoyed wine as much as I did. We'd spend all night drinking far too much on a 'wine night' as we called them or going out clubbing/pubbing. Very rarely did an evening go by without booze involved somehow. I knew by this point that I couldn't stop at just one... but it was fine - because I was a student and it's what we do, I'd tell myself. When I returned home that summer, I don't know how it happened... but I started drinking in the day. Just thought I'd try it? It wouldn't be much but it soon crept up. I'd control it.. but days where I didn't have to do anything - I'd get drunk for something to do.

By my third year I knew I had a problem - I was coping at Uni but any available downtime I was drinking on my own (heavily). Usually wine or strong cider but sometimes I'd treat myself to spirits. It was so on/off... one week healthy... the next I'd just binge and binge and binge.

Since graduating I have held down jobs, moved out and have a moderately successful life and career but behind closed doors I am a raging alcoholic. My days off are spent getting wasted.... and most evenings are spent getting wasted too. I forget what it's like to go to work without a hangover. It's a novelty when it happens!!

On the outside, to my friends and family, I am known as someone who likes a drink but they have no idea the extent of my problems. My entire 20s have been blotted by this insatiable need to feel 'out of it' at any given moment.

Any happy time will be made even better with a drink... any challenging time will be improved with a drink... a hangover will disappear.... with a drink.

In the past year I have noticed my drinking get heavier. As a result I feel like an old man nearly all the time. I see this dead look in my eyes, my skin is awful and my once toned body is now podging it's way out of shape. I'll catch glimpses of my real self when I manage to abstain for a day or two and I'll get excited and will myself not to drink again but within 12-24 hours I'll have got drunk again. As soon as the hangover goes, I forget how bad I feel.

The good sign is that I really WANT to stop. I don't just need to stop but I actually WANT to stop. I want my life back. I want the life that I was supposed to have because I know I am still young. I've lost my 20s, I don't want to loose my 30s. The way I drink, I know I won't even see my 40s if I don't stop this now. I know that the pains and aches I feel from time to time are drinking related because they go once I stop. They return when I drink again.

I'm genuinely looking forward to this next chapter - it has to be it. Looking forward to 'meeting' and getting to know as many of you as possible ... I know how amazing this forum can be. I guess I'm on day 2 actually, I didn't drink yetserday or last night and am on my day off today - it's lunchtime - so I'm going to go out, get some healthy food and have a relaxed afternoon and drink lots of water.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

All the best,
James x
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:41 AM
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Hi newstarter thanx for sharing your story. I'm on day 1 myself. I actually binge drank the day before yesterday and woke up feeling like crap (physically and mentally). So because of that I had a beer to even myself out. Which brings us to today. I'm happy for you and your decision and although I'm still feeling a bit depressed and humiliated, I'm also happy for myself. Hang in there. We can do this.
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:57 AM
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Welcome, James! Glad you are back. You already know how supportive this site is!

What else do you plan to change in order to make this time work?
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:00 AM
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I am glad you are back, James. Please post often and let us know how you are doing.

There is hope, James. There is always hope.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:01 AM
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Hi and welcome back. As you experienced this disease will hit us in a heartbeat that’s why it’s called cunning, baffling and powerful. The WANTING to get sober is very important along with self honesty about our drinking. In my case, even with all the handwriting on the wall it took too long to accept that I cannot drink in safety. I don’t suffer well so when the emotional pain got bat I needed to accept I am an alcoholic.

BE WELL
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:02 AM
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Day 1 is the first of many but the biggest moment. It is the first day of your next chapter and there are plenty of people out there to help you. Keep believing in yourself!
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:07 AM
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Receiving bad news while you're trying to get sober is very Tough. Easy time to lapse back into drinking. I have done the same thing , even though I knew as I was taking my first sip after months of sobriety, that there was nothing in that bottle to cure the problems I was facing, and trying to deal with them drunk was not the answer. WANTING to stop is the key, makes the journey so much easier. Be strong, post often.

mrsjosaphat, yes, be HAPPY for yourself, it's a new day, and it's all good. You are so right, you CAN do this.
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:18 AM
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mrsjosophat, thanks! And please don't feel humiliated. We've made a decision to be healthy and start a new life. Lets forgive ourselves for our past mistakes... there is no point to feeling ashamed.
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:25 PM
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Straight back on the wagon don't look back just learn from it

Good luck and kudos for trying again
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:33 PM
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Hello James and Mrsjosaphat.
Good luck to you both. Its a long and at times difficult journey you guys are setting out on. But its so worth while. Get the first few days over and things will start to settle down. And use all the support you can - it makes it so much easier.
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:42 PM
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Welcome back James and Mrsj.

You both sound ready to make it happen this time - and we know you can. You're among friends who care about you, and want to help you get your lives back. Keep on talking to us - this can be done! It's going to feel so good to be free.
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:44 PM
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Loving the hope
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:31 PM
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Welcome Newstarter! Can I just say, your post really hit home for me, because I could have written it. Like you, I was hooked from my very first drink. I loved everything about it; the loss of self control, the feelings of invincibility, the way it seemed to make everything more fun, and the way it made me seem fun to others (or at least that's how I saw it in my head. I suspect the reality was actually quite different). From my very first drink, I didn't drink like other people. I always wanted more, more, more. I wanted to drink until I literally couldn't stand on my own two feet.

Of course, I quickly realized that I didn't drink like other people, or rather like "normal" people, and so I surrounded myself with people who had similar drinking habits. For many years I was able to convince myself that my drinking was normal, because everyone I knew drank like I did. But at some point, we all began to grow up. Friends began to slow down, people started careers, got married, had families, and I was one of a dwindling number that was still getting blackout drunk on a regular basis.

And so began my pattern of drinking alone. With no one there to judge me, I could drink as much as I wanted. And so I spent about 7 years in an almost constant state of intoxication. I lost jobs, I lost friends, I alienated family members. I had health problems (I actually had seizures from drinking. At the age of 29). I was actually homeless at one point. And I still clung to that notion that somehow my life would be awful without alcohol, that nothing would ever be fun again without.

But the truth is, my life was pretty damn miserable because of alcohol. About two months ago, I was laying in bed, feeling utterly miserable. I had nothing going for me. No job, no friends, no relationship, no hobbies (I don't think drinking counts as a hobby), I looked and felt awful, and I thought to myself "I wish I was dead". Not like I wanted to kill myself, but rather that I wouldn't mind, like if I was hit by a bus or something. But it scared the crap out of me. I found this site, and the wonderful community of people here. I also got my butt to an AA meeting. And I am now 53 days sober and on my way to being an actual functioning person! Sobriety didn't magically change all the problems in my life, but it does allow me the ability to make slow, steady progress.

You sound like you are ready to quit, and I love the message of hope in your post. Don't be afraid to post/vent/ask questions/ask for help. You are in good company here at SR! And congrats on 2 days, that is huge!
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:35 PM
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Welcome back, James!! Looking forward to hearing more from you as you make your way to a sober life. Good for you!
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by giochick View Post
Welcome Newstarter! Can I just say, your post really hit home for me, because I could have written it. Like you, I was hooked from my very first drink. I loved everything about it; the loss of self control, the feelings of invincibility, the way it seemed to make everything more fun, and the way it made me seem fun to others (or at least that's how I saw it in my head. I suspect the reality was actually quite different). From my very first drink, I didn't drink like other people. I always wanted more, more, more. I wanted to drink until I literally couldn't stand on my own two feet.

Of course, I quickly realized that I didn't drink like other people, or rather like "normal" people, and so I surrounded myself with people who had similar drinking habits. For many years I was able to convince myself that my drinking was normal, because everyone I knew drank like I did. But at some point, we all began to grow up. Friends began to slow down, people started careers, got married, had families, and I was one of a dwindling number that was still getting blackout drunk on a regular basis.

And so began my pattern of drinking alone. With no one there to judge me, I could drink as much as I wanted. And so I spent about 7 years in an almost constant state of intoxication. I lost jobs, I lost friends, I alienated family members. I had health problems (I actually had seizures from drinking. At the age of 29). I was actually homeless at one point. And I still clung to that notion that somehow my life would be awful without alcohol, that nothing would ever be fun again without.

But the truth is, my life was pretty damn miserable because of alcohol. About two months ago, I was laying in bed, feeling utterly miserable. I had nothing going for me. No job, no friends, no relationship, no hobbies (I don't think drinking counts as a hobby), I looked and felt awful, and I thought to myself "I wish I was dead". Not like I wanted to kill myself, but rather that I wouldn't mind, like if I was hit by a bus or something. But it scared the crap out of me. I found this site, and the wonderful community of people here. I also got my butt to an AA meeting. And I am now 53 days sober and on my way to being an actual functioning person! Sobriety didn't magically change all the problems in my life, but it does allow me the ability to make slow, steady progress.

You sound like you are ready to quit, and I love the message of hope in your post. Don't be afraid to post/vent/ask questions/ask for help. You are in good company here at SR! And congrats on 2 days, that is huge!
Awesome post Gio...
The part where you say that having lost virtually everything you still clung to the notion that life would be awful without alcohol....know that feeling!
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Old 08-28-2014, 05:45 PM
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Your story is very similar to mine except i would close to never drink on my work days but i would drink 3 days streight when i off. It would start with night out...couple of drinks and i start feeling confident, i feel like guys looking at me and my shyness dissappears. About 4 years ago i started to drink alone. I would actually pretend that i am tired or something that i can go home and drink. I loved it, good show on tv, some food, cigarets, comfort zone. After that i started binge drinking and then i started getting major anxeity attacks, so bad that i would think about suide. Now i am on day 4, still scared but full of hope, i never and i mean never want to feel shame, embarrassment ever again. I dont have physical withdrawal anymore but emotionally still shaky. But i know its gonna get better, much better...my new addiction is SR, so much love and support. If you need to talk just send me message. We can do it!!!
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Old 08-28-2014, 07:28 PM
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welcome back newstarter, and welcome mrsjosaphat

I really believe it's never too late to get this right...look at whats gone wrong in the past, start formulating a plan to help you get past those kinds of obstacles, find support, use it, and make the changes you feel necessary for you to stay sober

you can do this

D
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:09 PM
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Newstarter,

Congratulations on day 2! Glad that you are feeling a genuine desire to not drink. I guess I never realized before that so many of us are closet alcoholics. Thank you for this story, it hits close to home.
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Old 08-28-2014, 09:37 PM
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thank you for posting, and welcome back.

i could relate to essentially everything you wrote...my story is very similar.

the great news, which might seem hard to believe, is that it is possible to recover so completely that you basically never think about drinking. and when you do, it has no power to compel you to drink; drinking loses its appeal.

you are wanted and needed here. its probably a good idea to make a specific plan for how you will stay sober. there are a ton of resources around to help out.
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Old 08-28-2014, 11:10 PM
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Thank you all so much for such wonderful words of encouragement!!! Truly means a lot. I know I'll find the support I need here.

Happily just woken up on day 3 - and even though I'm getting ill - I've never felt more thankful to wake up in the morning without a hangover!!! It's a typical chilly UK morning but the sky is blue and the birds are singing!!! AAAAH!!
I also don''t have to work today so going to take another day out for myself to relax and rest.

GotGrace, Dee, and a few others asked what will I do to change/do differently then before/what the plan is?
I've thought about this a lot and have decided I'm going to try AA. There's a meeting not far from my place so I'm going to go after work on Monday and try it out. See what it's all about. No harm in trying!! I've had quite a few life changes recently too... new flat by the end of the month and will be away from my toxic and miserable housemate. Also started a new job last month that I'm really enjoying and its awful to admit this but I used to drink at work (once the shop was closed and everyone else was gone). I'd stay back and drink a bottle before heading home.
... Well that's not possible in my new job thank goodness. Going to find a way to fill up my evenings in other ways - joining a gym is job 1, and if I like AA I'll do that regularly too.

Seriously excited!!!

Thanks again for the support and encouragement
James
x
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