Angel1555

Well, my 39 or 40 days are out the window. I was in a funk day before yesterday and out of the blue my husband said something to me that was hurtful, disrespectful and in my opinion just mean. So I retreated to my office with a glass of wine. I sat there, that glass of wine and I and very deliberately drank it. It had something to do with self-destruction or punishing myself or him. I don't know. So I had another and stopped. Then last night I had 3 glasses of wine and stopped. It was 2 before dinner and one with, then I stopped.

I thought about not drinking yesterday and starting over but it seems all of my resolve that I had built up around me just crumbled.

I had a good run and accomplished a lot. I am pondering it all today. I need to get my head back into the right place. Or in other words, just don't drink today, right?

IOAA2

RIGHT. I try to think to myself at times KISS.

BE WELL

Gronk

You were extremely mad/sad and upset. (which won't happen everyday)

You had 1 then stopped yourself, 1, then dinner, 2 then stopped yourself.

Hey, it stinks it happens, but you stopped yourself already, could you have done that two months ago in a similar emotional situation?

HeartsAfire

Been in the same boat way too many times. Not so much a boat exactly as a sinking ship. Trust me - I get it.

You're doing the right thing by being here & reaching out. Be gentle w/yourself today - wrap yourself in a big, comfy, warm recovery blanket. Today take care of you and start getting a new plan in place. That's what I did yesterday & things look a little better today. It's more than I had yesterday so I'll take it!

You had 40 days before this. You already know you can do it.

Angel1555

I wasn't sure that I was ready to post, but I am glad that I did. I am feeling kind of numb over the whole thing but your comments and support brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much.

GotGrace

Bummer.

But I agree that you are certainly not a lost cause. You stopped yourself before it turned into a binge, which is really impressive.

Back on the horse and onward. You can do this!

Ps, have you talked to your husband about what he said?

mapp

I'm there with you and Hearts <3. Be kind to yourself and take strength,from the fact that you stopped yourself when you did, and came here to SR. Hugs and more hugs.

dwtbd

The great thing about resolve is you can get it back.
It may be that we don't really lose it, when it seems we did. Perhaps your resolve was predicated on drinking still being optional when or if x,y or z happened.
For me I had to make a list of things that permitted drinking as an option, and for me that list had to be really small, like nonexistent small.
I removed emotional states , the whole spectrum from happy through boredom to sad, from the list of things the AV could use as reasons that made drinking acceptable.
The list is used for or only applies to drinking, it obviously can't stop life from trying to put things on list.
It seems silly, but as a mental exercise it can help to reinforce my resolve.
Maybe tweak your list and apply the resolve you have to the new list, you can do this, wish you well.

Gronk

AND stop

Angel1555

Oh yes, I have talked to him. He says it was just a "joke" and he said he had said it before. He said it under his breath, as he probably did before. I just heard him this time. I told him that it was disrepectful and that it hurt my feelings. He just hung on the the "joke" thing and it wasn't a big deal. I said if it was so funny why didn't he share it with my son and his family who are now visiting. Of course he won't because he realizes that he would look like a jerk. He finally apologized the next day-reluctantly. Just to get me to let it go. Which I have. Not because he apologized but because it is best for me.

Nuudawn

I may not be popular, but whether you stopped at one, three or got hammered...you lost your momentum. You picked up under emotional duress.
Your addiction beat your goalie.
Then he came back the next night and beat him again. Perhaps the goalie wasn't even in net this time.

I suppose what you need to determine is whether you're staying on the ice
or leaving AV's game?

I gave into wine after 4 months sobriety under emotional duress last year. I think I was already weakened by a growing hole in my plan anyway. I slid down that slippery slope for months before determining I wanted the enlarged life of sobriety back.

I would really miss you here at SR Mindful.

Angel1555

You are spot on with your comments Nudawn. One or three or five it's kind of all the same. I'm still here. It's a new dawn-haha. I knew this already but my biggest threat to not drinking is depression. I was very depressed day before yesterday, after having one of my best days, the day before. When I went to be last night I made a list of reason why I won't drink today to get myself in the right place. I will not drink today.

Nuudawn

Standing "O".

HeadLump

Ah, Mindful I'm so sorry to hear you've slipped but delighted that you're already getting back on track. Stick with it. You can do this - and everyone here is behind you every step of the way

PurpleKnight

1 day at a time, keep things simple, once we start thinking, well I drank yesterday or last week, we can then start thinking what harm will another day do, I can start Sobriety tomorrow!!

But there are no tomorrows, only todays, 24hrs, just make it to bedtime and that's Day 1 done and dusted and you're on your way to Day 2!!

You can do this!!

Wastinglife

The only time I have control over my drinking is before I have that 1st drink. If that 1st one goes down, I lose all control and rational thought and I am off to the races. It won't be until 3 or 4 days later after I have been drunk 24/7, spent an ungodly amount of money, and made a fool of myself somewhere that I realize it's a good idea to sober up.

A bad day or an argument with someone are big triggers for me as well. They way I deal with it when I am on the verge of pounding a drink is to tell myself to go for a 20 min walk and then maybe have a drink. By the end of that walk, rational thought always prevails and the urge is defeated.

Notmyrealname

Well it sounds like you are thinking about it, that's good.

Did you feel like you "really showed him"? Or did it feel like you "got even" with him? Or was it more of a self-injury thing, like people who cut themselves for a release? Or maybe something else?

I think it is important to examine these links of causation. Why does X lead to Y? How can we make it so X doesn't lead to Y ever again?

I can guarantee this is not the last time someone will say something hurtful or unpleasant, so I think we can assume this situation will present itself again. How do you make it come out differently next time?

Angel1555

Hi everyone. I am working today and popping into SR to read your comments and contemplate on what is being said. You all make good points that I am taking to heart. Will be back to comment when I have more time.
Thanks,
XX

Hereandnow2

Hey mindful. I'm on day 75 and would feel awful to throw it away if I slipped but I think these things happen to teach you where and when you are at your weakest. Then you will be more vigilant next time. I'm working steps and found that playing the victim is my mo . I position myself to create guilt for others. I am working in this and really had no clue I was doing it! Think about what you were trying to elicit by drinking. I'm thinking of you and am so glad you posted!

Funtimefranky

For me it is definitely self harm. I remember a time, I had given up smoking for 7 years and I had an argument with my partner, I was angry so I smoked to hurt myself. Of course I got hooked again. It happened again when I stopped years later...It's always about self harm for me but I'm no closer to working out why? I no longer drink or smoke... I need to be watchful. Maybe next time I'll punch myself instead! Thanks for the post it got me thinking. Sorry to high jack your thread Mindful.