MidnightBlue

Binge-eating I mean.

I am almost 22 months sober (will hit this milestone on August 14).

I've resolved many life issues which have been terrifying, terrorizing, and torturing me for a long time.

But still I keep falling and falling with this damn binge eating.

I am trying old proved techniques, like meal planning, along with some new methods like AVRT. I meditate, breathe...But still..

I am reading really good stuff about fighting binge-eating right now. When I read it rings a loud bell and I think "WOW. I can totally relate. Now I am going to find the "silver bullet".

And again my bullets turn out to be blank. Or get rusty and stuck in the barrel.

This Friday I though I knocked this out.

I've had a crazy kind of week when half of my house appliances seem to go on strike. I ended buying a new washing machine. And I installed it by myself. I was tired and exhausted manoeuvring the damn thing around, but hell proud of myself.

I was even more proud that I didn't reward myself with binge eating for this. But went for a swimming.

I felt like I a million dollars after. I felt great. I felt like I crossed Rubiсon and there's no way back. Now I know I don't need this.

And then yesterday I had a terrible headache... and ....binged...

and epic binged today...

I know it's hard to silent my animal brain. I do realize that I don't need to listen to it or to react on urge. But probably because I once literally famished for almost a week as a kid, my animal brain sees threat in any period of fasting now... I don't know...

But I know it will stop NOW.

I have no idea how. But I just can't do it any more.

Bingeing makes me feel helpless, while I know I am not. I've proved a lot of times I am not.

Every time I binge I am still that helpless scared kid.

My bingeing starts at a grocery shop where I look at all this abundance and I just want it all!

My urges go down by the time I get home, but I've already bought a lot of stuff, and I can't force myself toss anything. I can't toss food - I still remember days when my family had no money to buy it.

At these moments I feel like I am getting into some space-time moments where my willpower and mind are sucked out. And I am just a starving animal.

Ok. Enough for self-pity.

Today was my last binge.

I said it in front of all of you.

P.S. I finally did toss the rest of pizza. Oh, well...

HeadLump

Wow! That's powerful, Midnight. I feel and understand the pain in every word and I'm right there with you You can do this, my sister, I know you can.

Nuudawn

I understand my friend. Last night I had a late dinner or two bags of potato chips and a chocolate bar...to top off the giant piece of cheesecake I had after lunch.

I need that sort of insanity to end also. I need to get some proper groceries and return to my structure of healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner regime. I have no idea where it went. I will go all day and then justify some plethora of fat and carbs.

I can't stand it anymore. Right there with ya sister.

least

PurpleKnight

Nice post!! You can do this!!

Thepatman

One thing at a time until time comes, glad you are realizing and wanting to address this.

Congratulations ahead on your 22 months! Amazingly brilliant!

awholenewlife52

You can do this, MidnightBlue. Thinking of you.

Ikelee

One thing that helped me with binge eating was surrounding myself with healthy food. I now snack on carrots, peaches, bananas, pop corn, etc. I don't have the same regret when I eat good stuff. I also find that these things fill me up and actually make me not want to eAt anymore. Hot teas work for me, too.

I'm cheering you on...you can do this.

Aellyce

Midnight - I did not read older posts from you where you probably discussed how you quit drinking and maintained sobriety. Are you trying some similar approaches now for the binge eating? I struggled with bulimia when I was much younger, and recently with the alcohol addiction some of my old methods worked well again. Not all of course because they are different problems, but there is a strong common pattern. In particular, the problem of isolation and a lifestyle that I did not like was common to both of my most intense periods of bulimia and alcoholism. I had to break this in both cases in order to be able to start creating a newer lifestyle that is satisfying and meaningful for me, one that I don't feel tempted to destroy with the tendency for bad habits. It worked very well for my eating disorders in the past and I have never had that problem again since ~25 years of age. I had few years when I was really happy and ~free of any mental problems. The trouble came when I decided to break that life and challenge myself with something that turned out to be far above the limit that I could handle with the "tools" I had back then, and then the alcohol problems started to escalate.

So what's central to my recovery from alcoholism now is, again, creating a lifestyle that is fulfilling enough and that hopefully I don't want to damage much. For me personally, this seems to work better than any of the more structured recovery methods, but I do combine it with those.

I think you have fantastic strength and have overcome so much, you will beat this, too!

Windancer

I personally don't have that problem but I know many that do. It seems just like any other addiction. So all I can say is, you got this Midnight! Many people on here know your strength
Also, congrats on the sobriety time! That is divine news.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, friends for support)

So, today is my Day 1 free of binge eating. I feel awful after yesterday's binge - both physically and mentally. But it's all in the past now.

Today is a new day. And today is all I have.

I wish everyone a great sober week!

SixSongs

I know exactly how you feel MidnighBlue. I have the same problem.

Croissant

MB. I'm so sorry.

Understand the feeling completely. It's a terrible cycle.

It's also good to know I'm not the only one struck with fear when having to throw food out!

I know I waver between one extreme and the other, which is why I avoided dieting too hard to lose weight when I stopped drinking. I was so petrified I'd replace drinking with Bulimia.

Slowly, sugar and chocolate crept up on me, to the point that faced with not getting choc each night would make me feel panicked.

Anyway, thank you for being honest. And again, I'm sorry for that terrible feeling from after the binge.

Verte

Midnight, you are one of the most intense, powerful people I have ever read and met in words. So sorry to read that you have been struggling with this addiction. Please keep writing in for support and understanding. We are all here with you. When I struggle, I check in. Check in, check in! And hugs

MythOfSisyphus

I feel for you, MidnightBlue! I joined/quit drinking at the same time as you. Early on I gave myself permission to eat anything and everything I wanted, just so long as I didn't drink. Over time I began to ratchet it back down to normal. The minor issue I have is that I'm a chef, so being around good food all the time requires taking steps to watch that I cook, not eat!

Ten years ago when my drinking was not quite as bad as it later became I became a devotee of the Aktin's Diet. In fact, over about six to eight months I lost nearly 100 lbs! I got back down to about 15 lbs over my high school weight and kept the weight off for a few years. Ultimately I was undone by booze; hard to keep off the weight while drinking a twelve pack or more every night. Switching to wine helped a little but not a lot.

Now I've had a bit better luck by still keeping carbs down but in a little different manner. I've cut almost all of the empty carbs out of my diet- no sugar, no white bread, no bleached flour, etc. Eating normal amounts of better food and working out has me dropping pounds a little slower but probably it's more sustainable.

I don't have any big 'genius tips' but one thing that helps me is to permit myself an indulgence occasionally. A serving of ice cream or an order of fries occasionally keeps me from flipping out and eating a whole cake!

GreenEggsAndHam

Food is an issue for me as well. I actually had weight loss surgery 3 years ago and one year later is when my drinking escalated to new levels. When I quit drinking, I start eating a lot again. I know I do it for comfort/anxiety but it's so hard to stop.

jdooner

I have not read all the responses. However, I have struggled with eating as one of my many addictions. I find I used to eat out of emotion vs hunger. I am currently working with a Dr. mapping my genomic makeup in an effort to truly figure out what foods work with my composition as well as a host of other medical stuff - taylor made medicine.

Anyhow, I have learned a few things so far. One, I have become both gluten and dairy intolerant. This is a function of my alcohol abuse and a symptom of leaky gut actually. I am also addicted to bread - no surprise the molecular structure closely resembles vodka actually. Dairy or the parts that I am intolerant to also at a molecular level are similar to break and alcohol.

When I removed bread, processed foods, and processed sugars from my diet I started to drop weight. I am not down 42lbs from January and less than 15% body fat.

Becoming aware of what foods you might be addicted to might help in the powerless struggle. I would imagine, although don't know, that you might not be powerless over all foods. Some are highly addictive as they molecular structure might fit with your addictions at least this was the case for me. Also some foods can actually trigger alcohol cravings (i.e., bread for me). If you can afford to meeting with a Dr. that specializes I have found quite useful.

I am in the middle of testing - seems never ending and I hope this process will help shed more light on what works with me and against me.

Gilmer

IMHO, it is far more difficult to give up binge eating than it is to give up alcohol. With alcohol, you never [have] to touch the substance again--moderation is impossible.

We cannot just never touch food again, though. We have to moderate somehow. The only times I have ever gotten down to my goal weight is when I was fascinated with an activity that kept me actively engaged with my mind for the whole day and even into the evening. Then I simply forgot to eat: the activity took precedence over food.

Nowadays I'm still looking for an occupation like that again. I have good, sensible days and bad days. Struggling to have more sensible than bad days!

Gilmer

Very interesting, JD!

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much for kind words and very good advices)

My major issue the next day after the binge is self-hatred.

My mind is foggy. I feel sluggish and apathetic.

I've just back from the gym where I had two intensive workouts, but instead of giving a pat on my back for working out, I was beating myself all the way looking at the mirror seeing myself all bloated and my behind seemed twice its size.

Don't get me wrong - it's not all about apeearance. But appearance matters too)

All my existence is screaming for a pizza now. I have to get through today.

Going to a session with my therapist now. Maybe bring this question again. I brought it up once but she seemed to not take it too seriously. I don't know.

Thanks, guys and gals.

See you later.