alphaomega

I'm in a bad way. Bad.way. Terrifyingly awful.

My 81 year old mothers health is failing by the day. I have essentially been her only source of care, companionship, etc since my father crossed 14 years ago. I'm an only child.

Since 2000, I have aided her in healing, and brought her back from the brink of death, more than once. As a matter of fact, I've codependently taken care of her since I was about 3 years old.

Here's the short list of what we have faced in just the last 14 years.

Alcoholism
Diverticulitis hospitalized
Diverticulitis hospitalized
Broken wrist from fight at Grocery store.
Broken nose from tripping while drunk
Broken foot from tripping at home possible while drunk
Bladder cancer
Bladder cancer treatment
Bladder cancer
Bladder cancer treatment
Bladder cancer
Bladder cancer treatment
Kidney cancer
Cystoscopy to watch tumor on kidney and bladder
Cystoscopy bc would not stop smoking
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Cystoscopy
Eventual Nephrectomy (kidney removed)
Breast cancer
radiation
Breast cancer second time
Radiation
Masectomy
Skin cancer on nose
Skin cancer on hand
Skin cancer on back
Skin cancer on arm
Eye stroke left partially blind in left eye.
Cataract surgery
Cataract surgery
Severe spinal stenosis in entire spine.
Multiple epidural injections to try to alleviate that pain.
Rhysotomy
Rhysotomy
Rhysotomy
Neuropathy in feet
Diabetes
Emphysema

And now, she was hospitalized last week for severe back pain, was sent home and since then has fallen out of bed, and we found out today has a blood clot in her leg.

In addition to this, when my sister died, I tried, like hell, to live for both of us.

I drank to cope. It worked until it didn't anymore. I'm now facing withdrawals along with trying to figure out how to navigate through this next leg of her journey.

I'm 44 years old, and realized that I have been searching the ends of the earth for peace and tranquility, to which will never be, until I am free from the constant fear and worry of when the sky will fall, yet again.

And the absolute worst part of this whole thing is I don't even like her as a person. If she were anyone else but the woman who shot me out of her polluted womb (I'm on the fetal alcohol spectrum) I would have high tailed out of here decades ago. And the more she needs me, the more I despise her for needing me. It's the sickest place mentally you could imagine.

I need prayers. Please.

The constant barrage of trauma, for the better part of 40 years, is finally taking its toll. I no longer feel like I am able to cope. Not even a little bit. I have a great support system, fantastic really, but even they are getting weary from all of the constant trauma. There is only so much we can take.

Can be expected to take.

Can be expected to have to face.

I fell apart today. Screamed and cried because I honestly don't know what else to do. I hyperventilated and think I might have blacked out for a few minutes.

I'm sober, but barely. While having to take care of her, in total reluctance, anxiety and fear, wine helps. Temporarily. Until it wears off and then, good god. Everything is compounded and amplified tenfold.

I know this is the beginning of the end. Or maybe it's the end of the end. I don't even know.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

I really appreciate this sanctuary.

Melina

I'm so sorry. I wish I had magic words to comfort you.

I'm here for you at any time.

xoxo,
Melina

chicory

God Bless you , Alphaomega. No one should have to go through all this.
No matter how tired you think others may be of hearing of more trauma in your moms situation, I hope you will lean on others as much as you can, as much as they offer to help.

I am so sorry. Are you able to get to meetings? I hope so. just so you can get out, and see others, and forget your troubles for a bit. She is 81 and forgive me, but someday she will not be around, and your life will be your own. I hope you can take care and preserve something of your own precious self, and begin to maybe think about your future?

big hugs. please, vent whenever you want to. you surely have plenty of stress and worries. we can help, I hope. surely there must be something that can make things better for you?

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear of your mothers continuing health issues alpha. Glad to hear you are not drinking over it either, that is very wise and strong. Now matter how much your addiction wants you to drink, you have to remember that it would be the absolute worst possible choice you could make, bar none. Bad things happen to us all, sometimes horrible things. We have a choice to either find a way to deal with them, or to drink and make them worse.

Venecia

Dealing with a family member's progression toward the end of life is difficult under the best of circumstances. I am so sorry to read that your situation is so greatly exacerbated by a lifetime impacted by your mother's bad choices.

Is it possible to talk with a hospital social worker about her situation? Perhaps there are resources out there that you may not know about? Can you ask whether it's time to transition to hospice care?

I did find this web site for a hospice organization -- maybe it will help:

Home

However hard it may seem, please hold on tight to sobriety during this dreadfully stressful time. No help to be found in the bottle, as we've all learned. (Otherwise, we'd not be here in this remarkable place of sanctuary.)

Peace be with you.

Dee74

Hi AO

I too am sorry to read this.
Being a carer is a big job. The biggest.

Sometimes carers need care too.

Would it be at all possible for you to get some extra care, even part time, to look after your mom?

Would it be possible for you to find a carers support group or something?

Like I said, it's a mammoth job. I think it's more than ok to admit you need help with this.



D

HeartsAfire

Sending you love, light & healing tonight, AO.

LadyinBC

I am so so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong your strength is inspiring.

EndGameNYC

Hi alpha.

After reading your comments, I don't know how you make it out of bed each day.

You're in my thoughts.

Nuudawn

Alpha...I had no idea. Reading through the list of your mother's maladies..that you have been there for...wow.
I'm so very sorry you have had such an enormous load. I do hope you look into Dee's suggestion bout perhaps hiring some sort of part time care aid.

In my thoughts friend.

FourSeasons

Or... just maybe... this is the beginning of a brand new beginning for YOU!! You deserve it and you deserve to be happy and FREE!!

My thoughts are with you, AO

Verte

Chin up, buttercup

What you have endured is spectacular, alphaomega. I just want to extend some hugs and strength. Glad you are here.

w2r

I really feel for you. You are only 44
I am the only child. mother 91, father 98.
But I am 61, hardend to the life of caregiving.
My free time is spent hanging out in the hospitals.
In February I hired a lovely lady from a business in senior care.
She does half the week for me, I do the other half.
It has helped me cope.
There will be an end.
I know I will be happy that I did what I could.
You really learn what life is all about.
Its been a year since I learned I should not drink. I have been up and down on my efforts to quit.
But I have realized, that I will be soooo happy to bid farewell foreverer to wine.

soberjuly

Can you get some respite care for her? You need a break. You can't carry this weight alone.

soberjuly

My cousin had some sort of respite care for her mother in Buffalo, MN. Her mom is schizophrenic and an alcoholic. My cousin is also an alcoholic and bi-polar. She said it was like senior daycare. Her mother was always thinking there were men in the basement plotting to kill her or she would say she spoke to aliens. My cousin was very stressed out taking care of her. I'm so sorry you have all this stress on you.

VikingGF

The beginning of the end of what, though?

It could be the end of your suffering, if you can remain sober and reach out to services that are available to you as the caretaker of your mother. This may give you the relief you need so you can turn your attention to the most important thing- you. Look into home health services, they will provide you with some relief and support. Caring for an ailing loved one, no matter what the situation, is a physically and emotionally draining experience for anyone- don't be too hard on yourself for looking for coping mechanisms, but rather try to replace the ones that don't work (drinking) with ones that do (asking for help.) Respite care may even be a possibility, which would provide you relief from care-taking for a period of time so you can make a plan for yourself.

All the best to you.

Ruby2

Hi Omega, that is more than any one person can bear alone. My prayers are with you. Your location says Windy City so I don't know if you mean Chicago? I found a link to Lutheran Social Services and they do have programs for respite care. Maybe check them out. If you aren't in chicago, google catholic charities or Lutheran social services or united way, Salvation Army. This link is for Lutheran social services Welcome to Intouch Home Care Services

You need time for yourself. To breath and relax. To find and create a life for you. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling. It is a lot to bear. It's ok to not like your mother under these circumstances. Many care givers feel the same way when they are overburdened. I was just talking to someone the other day who voiced the same thoughts.

You are not alone. Keep reaching out.

lilgolden73

Ok, no one will like me for saying some of this, but have you looked into a nursing home or around the clock help? ANY help will help you? I hate to say it but you've given way more than I will, I'm a victim of a dysfunctional childhood and although I'm very understanding for the way my mother is, I won't be her sole caregiver, I refuse. This won't end with her death or if you have help, you will need to lean on others and get therapy or support somehow, I've come to realize the marks dysfunctional people leave on our lives don't go away because they do. Much love, prayers and hugs your way!

Anna

I'm very sad for what you're going through with your mother's health issues. I hope, as others have said, that you can find some kind of relief to be able to get away for a bit. You know that you should not give up your recovery because you are overwhelmed by your mother's issues. That would not help either of you. I pray that you can find some peace in this situation.

firstymer

AO, I can't imagine the difficulty of doing what you are doing. I won't pretend to know how great your burden.

But as heavy as your burden may be, I am pretty sure that being drunk and/or hungover will make it seem even heavier. I hope that you will be able to remain sober.

Know that you are in the thoughts of many of us. May your load soon be lighter.