alphaomega

Ohh my friends.

There was this moment, when the nurse practitioner, called me today to say, TRaecey, Your mother has end stage Parkinson's, that I wanted to grab the phone, and just THROW it against the wall.

I wanted it to shatter.

ScottFromWI

I know that feeling. I've been on that end of the phone before too. Talk about it, it helps.

alphaomega

Scott, I don't even know how to process this.

But it all makes sense.

And yet, I'm here, left, holding. This ball.

How, do I do this... How

alphaomega

And I want to smash something. Yet, I don't know how to break anything, because all I have ever done , is piece things together.


I'm so very broken.

Dee74

I know there's a lot of history between you and your mom, but I'm pretty sure noone goes into a situation like this knowing what to do, AO.

One of my neighbours growing up ended up with endstage Parkinsons - his wife and kids didn't know what to do either. Helplessness, numbness and rage are all fairly common, I think.

You'll get a lot of help from Doctors nurses and the like, tho....and support and understanding here.

It would be tragic to lose yourself in all this.

D

alphaomega

Oh my Dee. Friend.

Thank you for being you.

Dee74

d

Lenina

(((((AO)))). I think I know this feeling. You know, we just get through, we do the best we can, get the best information and advice and make it work. I give thanks for my friends, the ones who just listen, the ones who can share experience.

I'm so sorry this is on your plate. But know, you're not alone, we are here.

Love from Lenina

alphaomega

Its over.

I dont how or what I'm feeling right now.

I have dedicated 51 years to her. Always her. And I dont know what to do with the empty spaces now in my head that she isn't occupying.

When I received the call last night, I wailed like a feral cat. My husband just sat there and held space for me to howl and hiss and vomit tears from the depths of my soul.
It was a gutteral, primal scream that came up from every cell in my being.

I still dont believe its over. I have waited my whole life for this to be over. I cant believe its finally over.

I feel rudderless.

My internal compass only ever pointed in her direction.

The agony she caused while on this earth for 87 years goes so far and so deep.

Part of me feels relief, even if I dont know what that even feels like in regards to her.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

I really want to get sober now.

biminiblue

Oh, my gosh, alphaomega. I totally relate to the relief/horror/all of it and the Only Child bit. My compass stopped pointing in her direction in my late twenties, she died in my late forties - but it's a trauma with no real end until the End.

I didn't know you were still drinking.

Yes. It's time to let go of the alcohol.

Hawkeye13

I know that feeling of despair / relief. I remember the same call like yesterday ten years later.

Rudderless relief

Flotsam

Aellyce

I am sending condolences and a virtual hug, AO. My history and relationship with my parents was very different (based on what I can gather from your shares) but still vividly remember the day and the call when my dad died, after a pretty long and dark battle with old age. It felt like a big relief after at least two years of anxiety in relation to being an only child, living on a different continent. Also a relief because I knew how much he was suffering and wanted to go. I was also still drinking at the time and didn't get sober until ~5 years later, which had nothing to do with my dad's passing but would have been a good choice to ride that current of change and put down the alcohol earlier. You have a heart of gold caring for her for so long. Wishing you well

silentrun

Xoxo

tornrealization

I went back and read your entire thread. You’ve been so supportive and always there for her even when it was really hard to do it. I admire your strength for the years of caretaking you had to do. I wanted to offer my heartfelt condolences 💐.

Dee74

Glad to see you and thanks for letting us know AO.

I imagine there’s a maelstrom of emotions involved - but I really want you to get sober too.

D

Libby06

I'm sorry for your loss AO. I spent many years feeling guilty because I was relieved when my alcoholic mother had passed. It wasn't until I got sober that I learned how I felt was OK. They suck so much out of us.

However you are feeling is OK.
Peace to you.

yinzer

Hugs, AO. Please take care of yourself.

lifewithart

Wishing you all the best in this process. My prayers are with you and your mom. Hang in there and stay sober! I would recommend to start wim hof breathing once or twice a day. You can find instructions on youtube. It would get you through nearly any moment and takes only 10 minutes. Daily practice yields long-term results.

fini

ao, good to see you here again, though very sorry about what has you coming back.
i can only imagine the rudderlessness and the agony of that, so am relieved your husband knows how to hold you and open space for this.
and very glad to hear you want sobriety.
as you know, lots of support for that here for you.

fini

hey ao,
you said you really want to get sober now.
so come on, join us here, connect again, you know someone will say to have a plan so maybe do that, show up and don’t be by yourself, rudderless, in pain and relief and overwhelm.
just meant as invitation, ao, not as criticism.
hope you’re hanging in.