sthlondonab

Hi all

I know I have had a major problem since late last year. I have had stints of sobriety since, 3 months was the longest. But I slowly returned to drinking in secret and also at work. I just came off a weeks bender. My partner has left because of my behaviour after threatening to do so before.

I am only going to get my life back with abstinence and true recovery and being true to myself. I have to do this. I have my own issues to deal with before I can focus on my relationship and money worries. I am functioning and have my job but not for much longer if this continues. I don't want to go any lower than here.

Today I feel lonely and anxious so felt the need to post and say hi.

I swore after the last detox for the a Easter weekend I couldn't do another one but staying strong and I will fight through these days. The anxiety and the nerves are already with me. Fighting the urge to drink today but SR is helping me. I have been reading all day.

PurpleKnight

Welcome sthlondonab!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR!! It's great to have you onboard!!

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you sthlondonab. You are among friends.

Posting here really helped with my anxiety when I decided to quit. Everyone understood, no one judged or made me feel strange or weak. Glad you joined us.

sthlondonab

Thank you guys

Good willing and a day at a time I am going to stick around.

I want sobriety so much more than alcohol.

Ghostlight1

Yeah, the anxiety and nerves. Try and remember them the next time you feel like drinking.
I actually became afraid to stop drinking, during a bender, because I knew what awaited me, a nightmare.
I lost relationships, too. But I guess I didn't care, I was going to keep on drinking. I wasn't ready to quit.
I only had relationships with others who drank. That's about all we had in common. Wasn't much of a relationship.
Pretty soon, they were gone, too, and I was left alone with drink. And I did. For many years.
I hit bottom and called AA. They sent me an Angel and I started going to meetings where there were others just like me. I didn't know that.
I would drink again, but it was never the same. I felt guilty.
I hit a deep bottom, where everyone knew I was a drunk, and realized I was a real alcoholic.
It took fits and starts, but I was finally able to quit. It's been over three and a half years sober now, and believe me, I was a bad drunk. Life is great. Even the bad things I can take in stride. I rarely think about drinking now, except when I'm here. I just have to remember how I was, what happened to get sober and how I am now. Given a daily reprieve if I keep my spiritual house in order.
I wish the same for you.
You can do it. Put as much energy into getting sober as you did into drinking and you almost can't go wrong.
Best to you on your journey.

least

The anxiety will go away after some sober time. Glad you are giving it another go.

awholenewlife52

Welcome back, sthlondonab. Stick with us here at SR. Wishing you well.

Dee74

Welcome sthlondonab

do you have a plan yet on how you'll stay sober?

D

sthlondonab

Hi Dee74

Thank you

I am going to use all my strength to get my withdrawal through over the next couple of days and write down how this is making me feel to refer to.

I then think it's going to be back to AA. I am feeling anxious about this and admitting messing up in groups I have been too before but stopped. AA has something to offer me and can help I am sure - I wouldn't let go and ask for help when I was attending before and didn't get with the programme.

Trying to sleep here but not happening. It's like there's a video screen when I close my eyes.

sthlondonab

We'll I am wide awake again. Sleepless night and horrible sweats. I seem to have some bad GI trouble going on too. Horrible. How did I get here? right now it's 6am, going to read and snooze a little more. I will get through this. I will get through this. I know it will pass.

I have work later but the anxiety might be too much I fear and I am a little jumpy so maybe I will take today for me and go sick - I feel it.

sthlondonab

Well I didn't go to work as I need to be at home and near a bathroom. I got as far as walking for a train and then came back to my apartment. I just told boss I was sick. I have never phoned in sick through my drinking time, strangely. They can give me this one day.

I can focus on my day 2 recovery today and getting rehydrated. I have also managed to have a small breakfast which is good as my last food was last Thursday. I have my vitamins. I have lots of things to do in this apartment which I haven't done through binging so maybe I can get the place looking a little bit more like a home than a farmyard if I feel Ok and rest as well.

Going to keep posting to get me through this. It's going to be a tough day but something keeps telling me the journey starts here and at the moment is stronger than the AV.

Meraviglioso

How are you feeling now sthlondonab? The first days are the worst but you will start to feel better and better. I am on day 6 and feel like a whole different person. I too am taking a lot of vitamins and minerals, drinking a lot of warm water with lemon to clean my liver. I've got a loooonnngggggg way to go, but with the support I've found here I think I can do it this time. I know you can too. Keep posting as much as you need. I feel as though I've been over posting! But everyone has been so kind, honest and helpful and it has really made a difference this time. Keep at it, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Every second that passes you are healing and doing something good for yourself and those around you.

sthlondonab

Hi Meraviglioso

I am doing OK. Lots of rest, great tip to go by hour and minute. I know I am a bit of a control freak and want everything sorted now and on my terms. A personality trait I now need to look at and understand further down the line.

We'll done on Day 6. I like the sound of the Lemon In warm water. May have to get some. I'm looking forward to getting through today and tomorrow is tomorrow.

SR is great - so much help and support on here. Posting is keeping my anxiety as to what lies ahead in check so I think I will keep doing this. What other plans do you have after the withdrawal is over?

VikingGF

The problem with drinking in secret is we can't hide it from ourselves.

So we drink until we don't feel guilty anymore.

Congratulations on your sober time, it gets better and easier over time. Feel VERY proud of yourself.

That's a feeling we don't want to drink away, right?

IOAA2

Hi. We understand as many of us went through the same experiences. Please recognize that this disease is powerful, cunning and baffling and it seems to try to induce us from out of nowhere to drink.
This is the reason there are many suggestions many don’t like so stay away. I needed to remember that when it takes over we are headed for a probability of a quicker than normal death, or worse staying in that miserable period of drinking.

BE WELL

Meraviglioso

I buy lemons by the case! Lemon helps clean out your liver. From what I have read the most effective way to use this is to squeeze the juice of 1/2 a lemon (i use a whole one, trying to get an extra boost! ha!) in a glass of warm water and drink it right when you wake up. Then wait 30 minutes before consuming anything else. It also has a lot of other benefits such as helping straighten out your digestive system, improve your skin, etc. Who knows.... but I do feel better and notice a difference.
You can also add milk thistle supplements to aid in liver repair. I also take vitamin B, fish oil (omega 3), selenium and a multi vitamin. In addition, Kudzu is supposed to help with cravings. I have tried it and I think different brands are better than others. I seemed to notice a good deal of help with some and not much with others. I honestly can't say if it works or not, there is a lot of research claiming it does, but I think for hard core alcoholics the effect is minimal. It might be worth a try but you would have to evaluate the perceived results vs. the cost.
I would also suggest taking a warm bath with epsom salts. The salts will pull toxins out of your body. Whether or not this helps with withdrawl I can't say, but it can't hurt and at a minimum you have had a few relaxing moments soaking in the bath.
I am on day 6 and feel like a lot of the physical effects have worn off. Except for the sleep and vivid dreams/nightmares. I wake up sweating and can't get back to sleep. That said, even after a night of little or poor sleep I still wake up feeling better than I did for years waking up with a hangover. I still feel a bit foggy in the brain, but each day is better and better.
As for the future, I plan on continuing to post here as much as I feel I need to. I really benefit from posting my thoughts, it helps to write them down in a safe place where people understand. I also benefit greatly from reading the stories and thoughts of others. It is such a cliche' but so true, it just feels good to know you are not alone in this. I have been concentrating on counting days but some days I have had to break it down into smaller chunks and think "ok, I won't drink for the next 30 minutes" and then when I arrive at that, if the craving hasnt' passed I put another short goal out in front of me.
I am also focussing on staying really positive this time. In the past when I have quit I really suffered emotionally. I mourned the loss of alcohol in my life. It felt a great and tragic loss. I was sad. I was angry and frustrated that I couldn't drink. I was depressed. Not this time, each tiny event that passes I focus on how much better I feel, how much happier I am and how much easier life is now that I have admitted that once I take that first sip I am no longer in control.

Altoids

After my last (and I mean LAST) relapse, I high tailed it back to my group which I hadn't seen in a looooong time and fessed right up. That accountability made the difference.

Here's my thought: IF you needed dialysis, would you ever miss your Dr's appt? Nope. Think of AA as your Dr's appt. Go, even when you don't feel like it. Go, even when "you GOT this!" Go! Check in with them on a regular basis. I go 3 times a week. . .just like I would go in for my dialysis.

And, Mera. . .I love how you think about using food as our pharmacy. Food can do wonderful things.

Keep on hanging with us. Together we can do this.

sthlondonab

Great advice from people on SR, thanks.

I'm still good. Hot flushes now, weird, after a day of mini snoozing and a few chores. I can actually feel myself rehydrating today after struggling to keep anything down until early this morning. I have Gatorade and water. I am exhausted but reading posts has helped me to understand insomnia should be temporary. I may be posting tonight to keep me sane! I am spotting a few typos where my concentration is a little off.

I hope to go back to work tomorrow. I was reading about HALT earlier and three of those letters I can take away with a day in the office. I need to see real people and take my mind off the last withdrawals. Tired I can live with for the sake of my recovery.

Meraviglioso

Each night seems to get better for me. I think it is a combination of the withdrawls and just plain getting used to falling asleep naturally as opposed to passing out.