Waterfalls2014

Hi FC, glad to hear it didn't turn into more then a 1 day thing. How is your anxiety now? Great job opening up with all of us and starting back up again. Your back on the right track!

Nowsthetime

Let it be that last time. It sounds like it wasn't even enjoyable for you. It's really not even worth it anymore, feeling those ways, the anxiety and guilt. Remember: it's not about us or others or you letting us down. It's about you and what you feel and the decision you make.

Try not to dwell on it. It's over now so work on your new sobriety date.

PurpleKnight

Go at it again FC!! You'll get there!!

EyesOfAStranger

Hi FC, think you know I am big opiate addict myself. This has been me, many times over the years. It's not as bizarre or messed up as you might think It's interesting, that addict voice is so strong, yet that voice is our self. I wish I wasn't such a formidable foe lol. The fact that you didn't continue to use the rest of the weekend is a good sign. One slip doesn't end your journey. Glad you got back up and are fighting it again. You learned a lesson the hard way, but sometimes that's the only way You can do this!

FusterCluck

Hey...ALL OF YOU!

Thank you so much for your warm words of encouragement and understanding which have uplifted me this morning, given me perspective and added to my hope. I really cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support! All of
1. I will ask my wife to lock the medicines up and not give them to me under any circumstances.
2. I will begin again my practice of sitting mindful meditation when I get home from work
3. I will check in here first if/when the cravings are becoming overwhelming.
1. Feeling proud of myself, rather than ashamed, every morning and every evening.
2. Feeling like I was breaking free of a prison.
3. Enjoying the additional clarity in my mind and energy in my body.
4. Not having to worry about when one substance or the other was going to run out.
5. Having much more time to read books (which I do not do if I am getting high). I LOVE reading good books.
1. I will acknowledge stress as it arises within me and breathe deeply and slowly to help myself relax rather than allowing it to build up.
2. I will continue to read, share and help where I can on this forum as I always leave in a better mind place after reading this forum.
3. I will text my wife right after finishing this post and ask her to remove/lock/hide any of my (former) drugs of choice.

Done!

Thank you

FusterCluck

Thank you Waterfalls2014, much appreciated. The anxiety has completely gone now and I am feeling fairly stable and ready for the challenge!

ultradad

I have found great support in AA and I now have people to call and see face to face that goes through the same thing as we all do. It really does help having a safe haven to go to with like minded people. I've done the same thing, I would use for ANY reason and reward was a BIG one. Funny how this disease tricks us to think its sanity to reward our self with the very thing we think we need rewarding for stopping!!!

FusterCluck

Thanks ultradad!

I downloaded the NA basic text today to begin reading and have nearly gone to my first meeting many times. I keep thinking that the others there and their problems will dwarf my own problems/addictions and maybe I will feel out of place etc. Although, as I write that, I realise it sounds like a (weak) excuse for not going. Hmm...

trachemys

FC, c'mere.....

Altoids

Sharing your experience has helped me, FC. Thank you for being brave enough to tell someone what happened. YOU can do this. This this is sneaky and we've all been there in one way or another. Keep checking in. We cannot do this alone. It takes all of us to keep us all strong <3 Sending you blessings and hugs.

FusterCluck

Made me smile, thank you

FusterCluck

Sending some rightbackatcha!

Croissant

FC that list you now have is good.

Being present is so important....that part never goes away. After many months of sobriety, my list is still very similar to yours.

The time to reflect...the experiencing how you are ACTUALLY feeling...AS IT HAPPENS....

Oh yeah...we all have to keep doing that.

Glad you are back on track.

Lostinhk

You haven't let us down mate, as long as you're still pushing towards getting clean then you'll always be supported.

It won't be long before you're back at day 10 and beyond. Keep coming back and updating us mate, we are here for you.

FusterCluck

Thank you LHK, it's nice to hear that.

I came --->this<--- close to taking tablets again last night, but did not do it. My wife had not locked them up at that point and I was not expecting them to be there when I grabbed a paracetamol for my son from the meds cabinet. I actually took the DHC tablets out (no-one else was in the room) made a decision on how many to take (7) and then....stopped. I put them away, went to another room and breathed in and out for a while. I did not do any of them, thank God

Today, as I look back I am again amazed at how my AV literally took my mind over for about 5-minutes or so. It was as if I was temporarily brain-washed, really wanted to do them and all my previous promises/vows were utterly irrelevant. Those promises were not even visible in my mind and my AV just wanted to get me high, and closed out any other judgements for a short while. Somehow, thanks to you guys, maybe a guardian angel knowing you are all here and some deeeep breathing, I got through it unscathed.

I was literally beyond relieved yesterday evening, and this morning, that I did not succumb to the AV's unbelievably seductive whispering. Phew! I got through it and the meds are now long gone. Such amazing relief!

24-hours more please...

Thank you, FC.

DisplacedGRITS

When I was visiting my parent's place in Alabama, a bottle of oxy caught my eye. I swear, there were at least a dozen prescription pill bottles there and that's the one I noticed. My mind wrapped around that bottle. I imagined taking a pill. It was late at night so I could do it unnoticed. I imagined the feel that would come over my mind and body. An undercurrent of rationalization flowed with these thoughts. Just one pill. I'm an alcoholic, not a pill head. I could get away with this. I could get...high? But what? What am I seeking? I walked the entire path that pill would set me on. I watched my serenity break. I heard the lies I would tell and I heard the lies I would tell to cover my lies. I watched my serenity shatter. I felt the shame. I experienced the confusion. I watched my serenity crumble to dust. I felt the regret, the loss, the pain, the remorse. I watched my serenity be scattered by the wind. I felt the chaos and fear. I saw the truth.

I looked at the bottle and I realized that I was experiencing peace. I walked the path without walking it. I saw the truth. I accepted it and I moved on.

There's something amazing that happens when we see and accept an absolute truth in our lives. We find that where we were once chained by desires, lies and deceptions we are now set free by truth and acceptance. I was giddy then I settled into serenity. Sounds like you walked the path without walking it as well. Pretty amazing, isn't it?

FusterCluck

Everything you wrote. The way you wrote it. Absolutely.Spot.On!

Thank you.

FC

soberlicious

The AVRT methods calls what you described "vertigo". It is explain on pages 156-157 of the New cure book. You can read those pages here. They describe the phenomenon and an action to take against it, called labeling. You don't have to even fully understand or follow the AVRT methods to get some useful information from these pages.

FusterCluck

That makes a lot of sense to me, thank you! I'm going to buy the book from Amazon, I just wish there was a digital version so I can read it around others without them knowing what I'm reading!

FC

Dee74

You could always work your way through these:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

and 5 full threads starting with this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

D