Newcomer with marital difficulties
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 26
Newcomer with marital difficulties
Hello everyone. I joined 2 years ago but was inactive and (somewhat) in denial about my alcoholism. I'm back, and would like to introduce myself briefly.
40 yr old, female, functioning alcoholic. I used to binge drink in high school and college. Wanted to be a rebel, hand out with the cool kids. In my early mid 20s I found ecstasy,cocaine. Both were fun for a time period, but got old. Not alcohol!
Started with glass or two of wine for dinner, then progressed to an entire bottle. My husband caught me hiding wine in the bedroom. Then it progressed to a pint of vodka after work every night,and often two on the weekends. I knew I needed to quit,but didn't. Hid vodka in my underwear drawer.
Last week, I skipped work to stay drunk all day and my husband caught me. Threatened to leave me. My "rock bottom".
Next day he of few words told me he would give me a second chance and would support me. That I deserve happiness, a beautiful life, with or without him.
In 3 hours and 10 minutes, I will be on day 5. I expected perfection already! But he said something insensitive and I cried and am sleeping on the couch.
Haven't had a drink, don't plan to, but my question is... Will a marriage work like this? He still drinks beer (he's not alcoholic),and thinks all I need is willpower.
40 yr old, female, functioning alcoholic. I used to binge drink in high school and college. Wanted to be a rebel, hand out with the cool kids. In my early mid 20s I found ecstasy,cocaine. Both were fun for a time period, but got old. Not alcohol!
Started with glass or two of wine for dinner, then progressed to an entire bottle. My husband caught me hiding wine in the bedroom. Then it progressed to a pint of vodka after work every night,and often two on the weekends. I knew I needed to quit,but didn't. Hid vodka in my underwear drawer.
Last week, I skipped work to stay drunk all day and my husband caught me. Threatened to leave me. My "rock bottom".
Next day he of few words told me he would give me a second chance and would support me. That I deserve happiness, a beautiful life, with or without him.
In 3 hours and 10 minutes, I will be on day 5. I expected perfection already! But he said something insensitive and I cried and am sleeping on the couch.
Haven't had a drink, don't plan to, but my question is... Will a marriage work like this? He still drinks beer (he's not alcoholic),and thinks all I need is willpower.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
I had to laugh at hiding booze in the underwear drawer...me too! then he'd put the laundry away and I'd be like "No! I'll do it!".
Shame about the beer, if my husband drank beer I would be polishing that off if that was all there was.
Will the marriage work? Well you should end up in a better way. I mean he will benefit from your not drinking right? I've already gone from from a size 12 to a size 10 in 2 weeks, I'm not sitting in a chair accomplishing nothing and being crabby.
You didn't mention so I don't know if kids are involved.
It's totally too soon to tell. I've been changing a lot, I wasn't drinking when I met him, but I was in the first 2 years and didn't assert myself so much. On Friday I texted him a pic of a fridge at Costco, he texted back "I'm not getting a new fridge". Well, yes, nothing wrong with our fridge but I was miffed. I was like, wait a minute, how come he makes all those decisions? I texted back "ok, then let's buy a new house".
And it did flash through my head is my marriage going to survive the new me?
I think it will but there are a lot of things I neglected in the 4 years I was drinking so I am in fix-up mode. I want everything shiny and new.
Shame about the beer, if my husband drank beer I would be polishing that off if that was all there was.
Will the marriage work? Well you should end up in a better way. I mean he will benefit from your not drinking right? I've already gone from from a size 12 to a size 10 in 2 weeks, I'm not sitting in a chair accomplishing nothing and being crabby.
You didn't mention so I don't know if kids are involved.
It's totally too soon to tell. I've been changing a lot, I wasn't drinking when I met him, but I was in the first 2 years and didn't assert myself so much. On Friday I texted him a pic of a fridge at Costco, he texted back "I'm not getting a new fridge". Well, yes, nothing wrong with our fridge but I was miffed. I was like, wait a minute, how come he makes all those decisions? I texted back "ok, then let's buy a new house".
And it did flash through my head is my marriage going to survive the new me?
I think it will but there are a lot of things I neglected in the 4 years I was drinking so I am in fix-up mode. I want everything shiny and new.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi mesmith, I can relate to your situation. I am 37 and also partied my way through college and mid 20's with free-flowing booze, ecstasy, cocaine. Then of course people mature and the party scene dies out. People start to settle down and focus on the important things. I was in a committed relationship with a girl and were living together; marriage possibly on the horizon. However, alcohol was the one thing I couldn't shake. I was also hiding bottles. I would drink beer openly but have vodka stashed somewhere.
My girlfriend at the time was becoming increasingly worried about my drinking so I attempted to smarten up and show her I didn't have a problem. At least, I would hide the problem from her. Whenever she wasn't around or sleeping I was drinking vodka. I called in sick to work too only to end up passed out wasted on the couch by the time my girlfriend got home.
I was an alcoholic in denial at the time so my relationship would never have worked out. I think your marriage can surely survive if you address your drinking problem. Remember, people who can drink normally, don't ever need to hide bottles.
My girlfriend at the time was becoming increasingly worried about my drinking so I attempted to smarten up and show her I didn't have a problem. At least, I would hide the problem from her. Whenever she wasn't around or sleeping I was drinking vodka. I called in sick to work too only to end up passed out wasted on the couch by the time my girlfriend got home.
I was an alcoholic in denial at the time so my relationship would never have worked out. I think your marriage can surely survive if you address your drinking problem. Remember, people who can drink normally, don't ever need to hide bottles.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 26
Wow, soberjuly, we sound a lot alike so far. Thanks for the relational note. The main thing I need to fix is ME. I've neglected myself.... And my family, friends, housework, etc. No kids BTW. It's funny... I neglected myself yet was so self centered BC all I thought about was me, keeping a buzz.
I'm grateful to hear your reply and to have SR at my side. I'm hoping to open up and post more.
I'm grateful to hear your reply and to have SR at my side. I'm hoping to open up and post more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 26
Thank you, wasting life. We, too sound a like. There is comfort knowing we aren't alone. And comfort in being able to share openly and honestly without judgement.
Anna, thanks for welcoming me back!
Anna, thanks for welcoming me back!
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Welcome!
*Mine* worked out. When I finally was ready to be sober above all else, whether my marriage was going to work out the way I wanted was secondary. I made a plan and followed that plan. Before that, I got clean for short periods to get people (husband) off my back, but I always went back to booze.
My marriage has since changed a lot. Him telling me to "go get fixed" and other stuff was not going to be how we communicated anymore. We both went to individual therapy and also marriage therapy. We were in couples therapy for 2 years. I also worked the 12 steps. Later, husband did too. He started in Alanon but after I was sober for over a year and he was still having issues that he could not blame me for anymore, he decided to stop drinking also.
Our relationship is the best it has ever been. He really is my best friend. In 7 days we will celebrate 16 years of marriage.
I got sober with a small group of people (about 10) who came into AA when I did and I am the only one still married to the same guy. Not to rain on the parade but I can only change me, not my spouse. He had to make that decision to change for himself. Many spouses don't make that choice. Esp in the beginning, even my husband was like "why do I have to change? YOU are the drunk!!"
Glad you are here.
*Mine* worked out. When I finally was ready to be sober above all else, whether my marriage was going to work out the way I wanted was secondary. I made a plan and followed that plan. Before that, I got clean for short periods to get people (husband) off my back, but I always went back to booze.
My marriage has since changed a lot. Him telling me to "go get fixed" and other stuff was not going to be how we communicated anymore. We both went to individual therapy and also marriage therapy. We were in couples therapy for 2 years. I also worked the 12 steps. Later, husband did too. He started in Alanon but after I was sober for over a year and he was still having issues that he could not blame me for anymore, he decided to stop drinking also.
Our relationship is the best it has ever been. He really is my best friend. In 7 days we will celebrate 16 years of marriage.
I got sober with a small group of people (about 10) who came into AA when I did and I am the only one still married to the same guy. Not to rain on the parade but I can only change me, not my spouse. He had to make that decision to change for himself. Many spouses don't make that choice. Esp in the beginning, even my husband was like "why do I have to change? YOU are the drunk!!"
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
As far as neglecting ourselves...like I said, I was at Costco when I walked passed facial cleanser...I looked at it in awe and wonder. Facial Cleanser. Yes, we do that right? We clean our skin. You forget when every night you go to sleep with your best friend, Mr. Wine. Then I went to town. Okay, next...decent shampoo. You don't have to be using your 4 yr-old's strawberry detangling shampoo with teddy bears on the outside...
I didn't even want my husband going to bed when I went to bed with Mr. Wine. If he entered the bedroom I would scowl at him and say I needed my me time. As if I had only started drinking at 10pm.
Oh, the lies we tell ourselves...
I didn't even want my husband going to bed when I went to bed with Mr. Wine. If he entered the bedroom I would scowl at him and say I needed my me time. As if I had only started drinking at 10pm.
Oh, the lies we tell ourselves...
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